Intro to Political Science

Pierce:So Tom says to me, 'Size matters,' right?

Tom:Size matters.

Pierce:And I tell him: 'Size more? Try size less.'

Troy:Pierce, why would you tell us that story?

Abed:He's like a celebrity in rehab who doesn't understand why he's there.

Jeff:This is torture. When are we ever going to use anthropology?

Britta:Understanding human culture is actually pretty important.

Troy:Can we please just be done with this?

Dean Pelton:Study group! I need you all in my office immediately!

Abed:That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Dean Pelton:Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce that Vice President Joe Biden will be visiting Greendale Community College as part of his nationwide tour, which he's calling 'The Biden Identity.'

Jeff:The 'Build Back Better' tour? More like 'Build Back Bitter' — because that's what happens when you've been in politics longer than democracy's been on Netflix.

Dean Pelton:Oh my God, a Biden visit! This is huge for Greendale!

Dean Pelton:We need to make sure our campus looks absolutely perfect. I'm thinking red carpet, maybe some bunting...

Dean Pelton:Actually, you know what? Suck it, other schools!

Dean Pelton:Biden's coming HERE. To Greendale. Our Greendale!

Dean Pelton:SUCK IT!

Abed:We're being watched by the Secret Service.

Jeff:Abed, the only thing you're being surveilled by is the Nielsen ratings.

Abed:Yeah, I've been tracking the secret surveillance all week.

Abed:In espionage, we call that a 'burn notice.' You've been made.

Dean Pelton:What should I wear to meet Biden? I want to make a good impression.

Dean Pelton:You know what? I'll just wear my sister's feminine Uncle Sam outfit. The sequins really bring out my eyes.

Jeff:Wait, Dean has a sister? Since when?

Jeff:I'm pretty sure you just made that up right now.

Annie:We need to improve the school. I have some ideas for renovations and better programs.

Jeff:Or we could just burn it down.

Annie:You know what, Jeff? Your problem isn't that you're a cynic. Your problem is that you're vain. You'd rather be right about how terrible everything is than actually try to make things better.

Jeff:That's not fair.

Annie:Isn't it? You spend more time on your hair than you do on your actual character, and we both know it.

Jeff:Oh, I'm sorry, is my intelligence and exceptional good looks making you feel insecure?

Pierce:I know everyone hates when I talk, but I'm going to keep doing it anyway because that's what democracy is all about.

Dean Pelton:Before you say anything, this is a very patriotic outfit, and I will not apologize for my love of this country.

Jeff:Dean, I've been following your sister on Twitter. Turns out she's got some very familiar tweet patterns. Same time zone, same IP address, same obsession with administrative minutiae.

Dean:What are you talking about?

Jeff:Your sister is you, Dean. You've been catfishing the entire school as your own sibling.

Dean:That's ridiculous!

Jeff:Really? Because I just tweeted screenshots to everyone. You might want to log out of that account.

Annie:Oh wow, Jeff threw away my campaign flyers. How... inconsiderate of him.

Annie:Jeff, will you help me campaign?

Jeff:Annie, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to run this campaign with the cunning of a fox, the strength of a bear, the speed of a cheetah, and the quiet dignity of a tortoise.

Garrett:Because I want to make decisions that affect hundreds of people. Wait, that's not what this is?

Jeff:Yeah, well, larger causes are great until you realize they're just an excuse for people to feel superior to each other.

Jeff:Don't kid a lawyer.

Annie:You're not a lawyer, Jeff. You got your degree from an online university that also sells hot tubs.

Abed:I notice everything. I'm like a human DVR with trust issues.

Agent Vohlers:You know, I've been trained to notice the smallest details. A twitch, a glance, the way someone breathes.

Agent Vohlers:But I have to admit... I didn't see this coming.

Agent Keenlan:What is this? A screenplay for 'The Last Airbender'?

Abed:Yeah, I was working on a fan script—

Agent Keenlan:We need to go back further. Way further. Someone should have stopped this before it became a movie.

Abed:The Last Airbender movie is an insult to the source material and everyone involved should be ashamed.

Student:And that's why we need to abolish hierarchical structures and implement a direct democracy where every voice is equally heard.

Jeff:Yeah, no one cares. You're not getting elected.

Jeff:I believe in things that are good, and I'm against things that are bad. I think we should have more of what we want, and less of what we don't want. And I'm pretty sure that's what you want too.

Troy:I'm Troy Barnes.

Troy:My middle name is Barnes with an 'e'. My parents were very creative.

Abed:This is Leonard, our student body president candidate.

Leonard:Actually, I've changed my name to something more relatable to the student body.

Troy:Oh yeah? What is it?

Leonard:Paco.

Abed:That's not pandering at all.

Troy:Garrett is like a beautiful mistake. Like God was trying to make someone else and accidentally created him instead. He's what happens when the universe hiccups.

Abed:His name is Magnitude. It's short for 'Magnetic Attitude.'

Jeff:That's not how abbreviations work.

Agent Vohlers:So what's your story? You seem like you've got some kind of subplot going on.

Abed:I do. And you're in one too.

Agent Vohlers:What? No, I'm not.

Abed:You're a federal agent investigating a community college. That's definitely a subplot.

Agent Vohlers:I... suppose you're right.

Jeff:You know what? I was going to come back with something really cutting, but... I just can't. I'm too tired. It's like that guy from the mattress store commercial said: 'Your back'll thank you.'

Pierce:You listen here, Vicki. I've forgotten more about intimidation than you'll ever know. I once made a man so scared, he aged thirty years in a single day. Now that man is dead. I did that. With words. And a look. This look. So you better watch yourself, because I will hurt you in ways that modern medicine hasn't even invented yet. I'll break bones that don't exist yet. I'll make you regret things you haven't even done. That's the kind of power I have.

Dean Pelton:Everyone heard you threaten her, Pierce.

Annie:We have a serious problem. There's someone going around campus deliberately exposing their butt crack to unsuspecting students.

Dean Pelton:We're calling him the Ass Crack Bandit.

Annie:This is not funny. We need to treat this as a serious threat to campus security.

Jeff:My fellow students, I promise to bring change to Greendale. Together, we will achieve paradigm-shifting synergies through dynamic actualization of our collective potential.

Jeff:Dean, I'm going to use a lot of big words and shuffle them around to sound smart, but it won't actually mean anything.

Dean:Jeff, I went to a lot of seminars.

Magnitude:Pop pop!

Agent Vohlers:You two need to get a room.

Abed:We're in the study room.

Agent Vohlers:I mean for your nerdy bonding.

Secret Service Agent:Why did you repeat first grade?

Abed:I had a logical reason. The other kids weren't ready for my level of discussion. I kept trying to talk to them about narrative structure and film theory, but they just wanted to play tag. So I figured I should wait a year for them to mature.

Secret Service Agent:That's not how school works.

Abed:I'm aware now.

Pierce:You know what? I'm dropping out. Vicki's right. This whole thing was a mistake.

Jeff:Wait, what? Pierce, you were winning.

Pierce:Winning? Jeff, my entire campaign was built on getting back at Vicki for stealing my pencil in the third grade.

Pierce:Well, I believe in a strong platform. You know, something you can really stand on.

Pierce:Which is why I've been practicing my swing with this two-by-four.

Annie:My campaign slogan is 'A vote for Annie is a vote against the black mold!' It rhymes!

Annie:Read my lips, no new hips!

Troy:According to our poll, 73% of students prefer orange juice to apple juice, with a margin of error of 98%.

Troy:Which means the actual number could be anywhere from negative 25% to 171%.

Troy:So basically, our polling methodology is completely worthless.

Troy:Our polling methodology is completely scientific.

Abed:We asked twelve people in the cafeteria.

Troy:All of them were eating pizza.

Abed:So our margin of error is plus or minus... pizza.

Troy:As for broadcast quality, we're using my laptop.

Abed:The one with a cracked screen.

Troy:And one dead pixel that looks like a tear.

Abed:So every newscast looks like I'm emotionally devastated by the news.

Troy:Our camera work is handheld.

Abed:Because we don't have a tripod.

Troy:So it's like watching the news during an earthquake.

Abed:In a canoe.

Pierce:I need fresh-squeezed apple juice. If it's not fresh-squeezed, I will hurt you.

Abed:Your interrogation technique is very... effective. Is that lavender soap?

Agent Vohlers:It's standard issue.

Abed:Well, it smells really good. I mean, not in a weird way. In a... professional way.

Agent Vohlers:I'm going to miss you, Abed. You know, in another life, if you were just a little bit more of a criminal, this could have really gone somewhere.

Starburns:I'm withdrawing from the race. Politics would cut into my drug business.

Starburns:I'm withdrawing from the election campaign.

Starburns:I've realized I need to focus on what's really important - my methamphetamine lab.

Jeff:Blue. It's patriotic, it's sophisticated, it's the color of my eyes.

Annie:I have something to show you. It's an old audition tape of yours.

Jeff:Annie, no. Please don't.

Annie:Oh yes. I'm playing the nuclear option here.

Annie:You're going to watch yourself from ten years ago, and it's going to be embarrassing.

Jeff:I'm gonna show you my potential, make it monumental, get you sentimental with my credentials.

Jeff:I'm a sexy Christmas tree, come and decorate me, don't be afraid to be naughty and ornament me.

Jeff:I'm a sexy Christmas tree!

Jeff:I was younger when I made that tape.

Annie:You were 30.

Jeff:This is a nightmare! My reputation is destroyed. Everything I've built is gone!

Jeff:And you know what? I hope Annie's student government campaign fails miserably. I hope nobody votes for her.

Pierce:You know, I've learned something in my years. Life's like a bottle of wine - it gets better with age, but sometimes it just turns into vinegar and you have to throw it out.

Annie:Wow, Pierce, that's actually really wise.

Pierce:You know what? I've been waiting my whole life to say something smart. Turns out all I needed was to get the pencil I wanted.

Pierce:You know, I've been thinking about life, and I've realized that what really matters is—

Pierce:Wait, is that my pencil?

Pierce:Never mind, everything I just said is true.

Abed:Two titans clash in the arena of democratic discourse. Magnitude, a force of nature, a hurricane of charisma and pure, distilled school spirit. Leonard, a man who exists primarily in the margins, sustained by nothing but spite and the faint hope that one day, someone will notice him. This election isn't about leadership—it's about the fundamental question: does the universe reward blind optimism, or does it punish those who dare to hope? In the end, we're all voting for the person we wish we were, or running away from the person we fear we've become.

Troy:Dude, you're spiraling. You're like a plane that thinks it's too good to land.

Abed:That's not a metaphor, that's just a description of a plane with an existential crisis.

Troy:Exactly. And we're all on it.

Dean Pelton:And the winner of this year's election is... the cartoon show!

Garrett:You know, I've been thinking about my future. I'm gonna run for President.

Garrett:I'm not gonna win or anything. I just want to be on the ballot so I can tell people I ran for President.

Troy (as Kickpuncher):Please, just call me Troy.

Villain:But you're Kickpuncher!

Troy (as Kickpuncher):I know, but I'd really prefer Troy. It's my actual name.

Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool cool cool.