Intermediate Documentary Filmmaking

Pierce:I've seen things, man. Demons, aliens, and... Battlefield Earth.

Pierce:That John Travolta movie haunted me more than any supernatural entity ever could.

Abed:I didn't want to film Pierce because I found him boring. It's a minor character flaw of mine — I only find interesting people interesting.

Pierce:These are my final words.

Troy:Wait, you're dying?

Pierce:No, no, I'm not dying. I just meant... never mind.

Pierce:I'm going to the hospital to visit Shirley, but what she doesn't know is that I'm actually there to finally get revenge on Dr. Heaton for that incident in '87.

Pierce:I've been planning this for years. The slow burn, the psychological warfare, the perfectly timed one-liners. By the time I leave that hospital, he won't even know what hit him.

Pierce:It's all very James Bond. Except instead of saving the world, I'm going to subtly insult a man's medical credentials while eating Jell-O.

Pierce:It's amazing how easy it is to manipulate you people. I barely have to try.

Pierce:You all care so much about whether I live or die, it's pathetic.

Troy:I can't make fun of Pierce right now. It wouldn't be right.

Troy:The last time I made fun of someone who was down, Gregory Hines died.

Annie:Don't worry, Pierce is just being dramatic. He'll be fine.

Pierce:FINE?! Annie, I have a hangnail! A HANGNAIL! I'm basically a Civil War amputee!

Troy:You're being so analytical right now, Jeff. You're like Abed.

Troy:Oh, Abed's right here.

Abed:It's okay.

Troy:When I die, I want my vinyl collection to go to Abed, my car to go to Annie, and all my Levar Burton photos to go to... Levar Burton.

Troy:Actually, wait. I want copies of my Levar Burton photos. Like, high-quality prints.

Troy:And I want them sent to Levar Burton monthly. Like a subscription.

Troy:And I want him to know they're from me. With a note each time.

Troy:Actually, I want to be cremated and have my ashes made into a photo frame for a Levar Burton photo.

Troy:A Levar Burton photo of him holding another photo of me holding a photo of him.

Shirley:I found this beautiful mug for Pierce. It says 'Home Sweet Home' but with a picture of a dumpster on it.

Shirley:I thought it really captured his essence.

Pierce:Shirley, let's face it - we're both hated. You're the black sheep of the group, and I'm the black sheep of the group.

Shirley:Pierce, did you just—

Pierce:Wait, wait. I meant you're the black swan. There, that's better.

Pierce:I recorded all of you on a CD. It's got about 40 gigs of storage, which is more than enough for all your bitching and moaning. I just burned it right onto the disc using my CD burner, which I got for a great price at the Sharper Image back in 2003.

Jeff:Pierce, CDs max out at like 700 megabytes.

Pierce:Well, this is a special military-grade CD. It's got quantum dots or something. The guy at Circuit City said it could hold anything.

Pierce:You don't believe in the technology.

Shirley:No, I believe in the technology. I just don't believe there are recordings of me.

Shirley:Pierce, I want you to know that you've meant so much to all of us. You're a pillar of this group, and... and I just want to say goodbye in a way that honors everything you've—

Shirley:Later, dude.

Britta:Dylan Thomas said, 'Do not go gentle into that good night.' It's about raging against the dying of the light.

Britta:Actually, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I just made that up.

Britta:Of course I'm selfless. I'm constantly thinking about how other people perceive my selflessness and whether they appreciate my self-sacrifice. It's exhausting being this generous.

Pierce:Here's a charitable donation check for you, Britta.

Pierce:Of course, you could always just keep the money for yourself instead.

Troy:I don't want to die in a hospital.

Abed:Why not?

Troy:Because that's where they throw away old magazines.

Troy:I hope to die surrounded by family.

Troy:Death is the only circumstance under which I'd tolerate my family.

Troy:If our show gets cancelled, we said we'd fake our deaths together.

Abed:Right. We'd stage it beautifully. Maybe in the desert.

Troy:Very cinematic.

Abed:But then Netflix would pick us up and we'd have to explain where we've been.

Troy:You're right. They're definitely bringing us back. Did you see those renewal petitions online?

Abed:Six seasons and a movie.

Troy:Six seasons and a movie.

Britta:I need to research charities carefully. You can't just give money to any organization. What if it's a scam? What if—hypothetically—someone gave $500 to what they thought was a dog rescue, but it turned out to be a front for a Ponzi scheme? And then hypothetically, that same person couldn't afford their car insurance that month. And then hypothetically, they got pulled over, and the officer asked why their registration was expired, and they had to explain that they'd donated their emergency fund to dogs that didn't exist?

Troy:Jeff, you just 'Winger'd that nurse. You know, made a compliment that was actually an insult?

Jeff:I don't know what you're talking about.

Troy:Yeah, you do. You do it all the time. I've been keeping track. There's 'Winger-ing,' 'pull a Winger,' and my personal favorite: 'getting Wingered.'

Jeff:Those aren't real words.

Troy:They are now. I'm gonna add them to my personal dictionary. And I'm gonna Winger you right now by saying you look really handsome today, but your soul is empty.

Pierce:I always imagined this moment differently. I thought I'd be a hologram, you know, projected from some distant starship. They'd say, 'Pierce, your consciousness has been uploaded to the cloud.' And I'd say, 'Of course it has. I'm Pierce Hawthorne.'

Pierce:But no. Here I am. Regular. Biological. Disappointing.

Pierce:I don't hold grudges. Life's too short.

Pierce:Unlike my father, who I will hate eternally for the grudges he held.

Pierce:So Jeff, how's your relationship with your father?

Jeff:Well Pierce, I'd say it's more of a 'non-relationship' — he's really committed to the bit.

Pierce:My father's on his way.

Jeff:How long until he gets here?

Pierce:Oh, about one father.

Britta:Well, my parents conceived me in 1986 to the song 'Dead Man's Party' by Oingo Boingo. My dad said it really set the mood.

Troy:Your mother was a wonderful woman.

Annie:My dad character has no standards because he slept with your mother.

Troy:I'm a sentient oil spill that gained consciousness in Denver, but I'm also somehow the mayor of a town that doesn't exist in a state that's underwater. I have seventeen wives, all of whom are my mother, and I communicate exclusively in sign language even though I'm blind. Also, I'm lactose intolerant but I'm made of cheese. I think I've made a huge mistake.

Troy:Oh my god. Oh my god.

LeVar Burton:Hello.

Troy:I... you... reading rainbow...

Jeff:Wait, so everyone else is getting actual gifts? And I'm getting... what, psychological warfare? This is about me, isn't it? Pierce's finally found a way to torture me specifically while making it look like he's being generous to everyone else.

Troy:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Is this real? LeVar Burton is here! This is the best day of my life!

LeVar Burton:Hello Troy, it's great to meet you.

Troy:No no no no no! Don't talk! If you talk, you might say something that disappoints me! Just stand there and be perfect!

Troy:Because right now, you're everything I've ever dreamed of, and the moment you open your mouth, reality has a chance to ruin that!

Pierce:Annie, this tiara has been in my family for generations. It was worn by my great-grandmother at her debutante ball.

Annie:Pierce, this is beautiful! I don't know what to say.

Pierce:It's yours now. A symbol of the Hawthorne family legacy.

Annie:Wait... is this a tiara from a costume shop?

Pierce:Well, yes, but my great-grandmother was a very dedicated method actress.

Jeff:I'm not freaking out about my father! Why would I freak out about my father?

Jeff:And whoever's editing this, if you're adding dramatic music or zooming in on my face right now, just know that I'm aware of it, and it's not going to work.

Jeff:Because I'm not freaking out.

LeVar Burton:Take a look, it's in a book. Reading Rainbow. I can go anywhere. Friends to know and ways to grow. Reading Rainbow. I can be anything. Take a look, it's in a book. Reading Rainbow.

Troy:

LeVar Burton:I'm trying to reach you, Troy. Make it so.

LeVar Burton:Engage with me. Please, I'm begging you.

LeVar Burton:You are my warp core. Without you, I am adrift in the vacuum of space.

Annie:Pierce, where did you get this tiara? Please tell me it's not from a conflict diamond situation.

Pierce:Conflict diamond? Annie, this is worse. It's from a mine where they don't even pay the workers.

Annie:Oh my God, that's terrible!

Pierce:It gets worse. The mine is located on an endangered species habitat.

Annie:No!

Pierce:And the company that runs it? They also make the stuff that's killing the bees.

Britta:I wanted to keep the money. I imagined myself in a tasteful studio apartment with exposed brick, and I'd be reading a book about social injustice, and there'd be a knock on the door. It would be the charity. And I'd have to tell them, 'I'm sorry, I spent your money on my apartment and my book collection.' And they'd say, 'Britta, there are children starving,' and I'd say, 'I know, but look at my throw pillows.'

Pierce:I'm telling you, they were talking about Shirley behind her back!

Jeff:Pierce, that's ridiculous. We would never—

Britta:Yeah, come on. We respect Shirley.

Annie:We literally just said we love her like ten minutes ago.

Abed:The audio evidence suggests otherwise.

Troy:Wait, what? No! We didn't say anything bad about—

Recording:[Everyone on recording immediately begins criticizing Shirley]

Pierce:I rest my case.

Jeff:Okay, so Pierce tried to spy on us with this equipment?

Pierce:It's state-of-the-art!

Jeff:Pierce, this is a potato with a camera duct-taped to it.

Britta:There's a potato.

Abed:The duct tape is from 1987.

Jeff:Pierce, don't fake your father coming. I'm warning you.

Pierce:Or what?

Jeff:Or I will tell everyone about your fake British accent, your fake medical degree, your fake lawsuit against Hammer pants, and I will beat you to death with a tire iron.

LeVar Burton:You paid to extend my flight so this kid could meet me?

LeVar Burton:Honey, that's the kind of financial decision-making that leads to a life of ramen and regret.

Britta:I mean, it's not like I *want* Pierce to die. I just... if he did die, it would solve a lot of problems. Financially speaking. Not that I'm hoping for that! I'm just being realistic about the potential upside of a hypothetical scenario.

Britta:Besides, Pierce is old. He could go anytime. That's not morbid, that's just statistics. And if I happen to benefit from the natural order of events, that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me... practical.

Britta:So really, when you think about it, wanting his money isn't selfish—it's just accepting reality and preparing for the inevitable. Which is actually very mature of me.

Britta:Woo! Pierce's gonna die!

Britta:I'm so relieved Burton didn't take my money.

Britta:I guess you could say my finances are no longer in chains.

Pierce:I couldn't make it to your recital because I was deep-sea diving for rare minerals.

Pierce:Then I had to stop a runaway blimp from destroying a village.

Pierce:And after that, I was personally asked by the President to negotiate peace in a fictional country.

Pierce:But you know what? None of that matters, because you'll always be my special child, and I'm proud of you no matter what.

Pierce:I told the study group that I was dying so they'd appreciate me more. It was therapeutic for them.

Pierce:You all think I'm insensitive, that I don't care about anyone but myself. Well, I do care! I care deeply! And it hurts that you'd think that about me.

Annie:Pierce, you just proved our entire point.

Annie:You use emotional manipulation as a defense mechanism to mask your deep-seated insecurity and fear of abandonment.

Pierce:That's true. You're my favorite.

Annie:That was a beautiful speech about elitism and accepting people for who they are.

Pierce:Actually, I just like you best.

Abed:You know, making a documentary is like shooting fish in a barrel. Except the fish are ideas, the barrel is cinema, and I'm using a camera instead of a gun. Which makes it less like shooting fish in a barrel and more like... filming fish in a barrel. Which is actually what this documentary is.

Abed:Comparing documentary format to fish in a barrel is like... well, it's like fish in a barrel.

Abed:You know what happens to actual fish in a barrel? They suffocate. They die. Within minutes, the water becomes stagnant, toxic. The barrel fills with their waste and their corpses float to the surface.

Pierce:You know, Jeff, over the years I've come to think of you as the son I never had.

Jeff:That's not happening.

LeVar Burton:Pass the butter, would you? Kunta needs his toast.