A Fistful of Paintballs (1)

Fat Neil:Hey! Come back here!

Unknown pursuer:You can't run forever, Neil! I can see you from space!

Fat Neil:That's not even geographically accurate!

Unknown pursuer:Neither is your diet!

Jeff:So Fat Neil, you need to understand the paintball rules. You're going to be running around a lot, so to speak.

Jeff Winger:I'm gonna rip off your face and use it as a mask.

Annie:Nobody reach for a gun.

Jeff:Why would we reach for a gun?

Annie:Because I'm about to say something crazy.

Annie:What if we all just... left?

Jeff:We played D&D together as friends!

Annie:That doesn't mean anything. We have paintball wars.

Dean Pelton:Attention everyone, the school picnic is this Saturday at noon. We'll have games, food, and a three-legged race.

Dean Pelton:Oh, and Jeff Winger will be demonstrating CPR on an actual cardiac patient. It's really quite educational.

Dean Pelton:This year's paintball prize will be... reasonable.

Dean Pelton:Completely... reasonable.

Dean Pelton:I mean, it's not going to be anything crazy like a... a tank or anything.

Dean Pelton:I promise that this year's prize would be more reasonable.

Dean Pelton:The grand prize is... one million dollars!

Jeff:You can't shoot an unarmed man. That's not how the West works.

Britta:Unless he ate your beans.

Reveals they're literally eating the other person's beans

Chang:Yeah, well I want pants.

Chang:I want to join the math club. I'm very good at math. I can count to one hundred in my sleep.

Math Club Member:That's... not really what we do here.

Chang:Oh, I see. You probably want someone more... Asian.

Math Club Member:What? No, that's not—

Chang:Don't worry, I'm very Asian. I have the highest cheekbones in Greendale.

Chang:I'm joining the math club to expand my horizons and build meaningful friendships.

Chang:Actually, I've noticed the Korean student over there has been getting all the problem sets right. I think he's stealing my answers.

Chang:Yeah, this is definitely the safest group I've ever been in.

Jeff:Pierce has enough ammunition to make a French art student jealous.

Jeff:Pierce, you can't just do whatever you want because you're rich.

Pierce:Why not?

Jeff:Because it's wrong.

Pierce:But I'm rich.

Jeff:That's circular logic.

Pierce:I know. That's how I got rich.

Britta:That doesn't make sense.

Abed:Actually, it's the perfect metaphor for this group. We're trapped in circular logic.

Troy:What do you mean?

Abed:We stay together because we're together. We're friends because we're a group. We're a group because we're friends.

Jeff:So what you're saying is we're stuck.

Pierce:Sounds like my marriages.

Jeff Winger:Who are you?

Unknown Cowboy:Name's not important.

Britta Perry:Okay, but real talk—spurs? In a paintball game?

Unknown Cowboy:They're thematically appropriate.

Abed Nadir:They're impractical and thematically appropriate.

Abed:This mysterious cowboy character just appeared with no explanation. It's like the show's budget suddenly increased.

Troy:Wait, are you saying I'm not worth a higher budget?

Abed:I'm saying the cowboy is.

Troy:We're deputies now. We have authority.

Abed:We can stop you.

Jeff:Over what? A two-block radius of a community college parking lot?

Troy:My forehead isn't too big, right?

Abed:No.

Troy:Really?

Abed:It's huge.

Troy:Pierce set up a whole humanitarian effort in the fort. He's got water stations, first aid kits, blankets...

Abed:What about sleeping arrangements?

Troy:Oh yeah, he's got cots, sleeping bags, pillows—

Pierce:And a bed for me with Egyptian cotton sheets, a down comforter, and a little bell so someone can bring me warm milk before I sleep.

Annie:Wait, why do we keep calling him 'The Cowboy'? He's not actually wearing a cowboy hat or boots or anything cowboy-related.

Troy:Annie, he's terrorizing us like a cowboy would.

Annie:But that's not what a cowboy is! A cowboy is a specific occupation involving cattle herding in the American West. By that logic, we should call him 'The Guy' because he's a guy!

Pierce:It all started in a bathroom. I realized people have a desperate need for basic bathroom access. That's when I knew I had found my empire.

Pierce:Well, I'm not a monster. You guys are my friends. Free bathroom privileges for all of you.

Pierce:I got entertainment more your speed, Jeff. It's called Gaywatch.

Jeff:That's not a thing.

Pierce:Not yet. But when it is, you're gonna love it.

Pierce:Well, she needed the Twinkies and I needed to see her dance. It's called a mutually beneficial arrangement, Jeffrey.

Pierce:Summer means different things to different people. For some, it's a time to travel, to explore new places. For others, it's about spending time with family and friends. But for me? Summer is just... a long, empty stretch of time where I sit alone in my house, waiting for September when I can come back here and pretend I have a life.

Shirley:We need to pump.

Annie:Yeah, we really need to pump.

Troy:Pump? Like... like at the gym? You guys want to go to the gym?

Shirley:No, Troy. We need to pump. You know, express milk.

Troy:Oh. OH. I... I didn't... I'm gonna go.

Dean Pelton:Mr. Chang, you stand accused of infiltrating Greendale Community College under false pretenses.

Chang:Your Honor, those are just pretendsies.

Judge:Did he just say pretendsies?

Dean Pelton:Yes, your Honor. He did.

Chang:Wait, wait, wait! I have something to confess!

Chang:I told the football team that you guys said their uniforms make them look fat!

Chang:And I may have mentioned that you think the mascot costume smells like old cheese and regret!

Annie:I... I think I have beans at home that need... watering?

Black Rider:Beans don't need watering, they need soil.

Annie:Well, I'm not a botanist!

Annie:Do you go to school here?

Black Rider:No, I'm a professional paintball player.

Black Rider:That gun's emptier than your head, sweetie.

Annie:He's not that mysterious. He just wore all black and didn't talk much.

Jeff:So he was basically a teenager going through a phase?

Annie:Exactly. Also, he kept dropping his sword and picking it back up.

Jeff:Threatening. Really threatening.

Jeff:Wait, so you're not good-looking AND you're not a good shot? What exactly do you bring to the table?

Black Rider:I'm very mysterious.

Jeff:You're not even that mysterious. You keep telling us stuff.

Jeff:Wait, how did you even survive that?

Annie:Pierce told me where you'd be. He said he wanted to help, but then he just... left me there.

Jeff:Pierce betrayed you?

Annie:I know. I can't believe I trusted him. Again.

Dean Pelton:I need to get into the storage closet to retrieve the paintball supplies.

Dean Pelton:Oh no. Oh no, no, no. The key is in there, and I'm going to have to... squeeze in to get it.

Dean Pelton:This is... this is very confined. Very intimate. With the shelving.

Jeff:Okay, I'm going in. I need to look confident, powerful, and above all else, attractive.

Jeff:Because if I'm going down, I'm going down looking like I could've won.

Troy:Jeff, you literally just said you'd abandon us for a pretty girl on a motorcycle.

Pierce:Well, if you must know, I was just making sure they were blanks. Last season, someone kept loading real bullets and I wasn't about to let that happen again.

Annie:Pierce, that was you.

Pierce:Exactly. So I learned my lesson.

Annie:We haven't excluded you, Pierce. You're always welcome to hang out with us.

Pierce:Oh really? Then why wasn't I invited to game night last Tuesday?

Annie:Because you said you had a prostate exam.

Pierce:I rescheduled it! And nobody told me about cards night either.

Annie:That was literally yesterday. We texted the group chat.

Pierce:I don't check that thing. My fingers are too big for the phone.

Pierce:You guys are playing cards without me? What is this, some kind of conspiracy?

Jeff:Pierce, we need to talk about your membership in the group.

Britta:We've been voting.

Pierce:Voting? On what?

Annie:On whether you stay or go.

Pierce:Wait, you were voting on me this whole time?

Troy:The cards were just a cover.

Annie:Wait, someone voted to keep Pierce?

Jeff:One person did.

Annie:Who would do that?

Pierce:Well, obviously it was me.

Black Rider:Your hair isn't real, is it?

Jeff:What? No, it's... it's real.

Black Rider:I can tell by the way it moves. It's a wig.

Jeff:It's not a wig!

Black Rider:You're bald underneath. That's why you're so angry.

Jeff:Pierce, you've faked a heart attack before. Remember when you pretended to have a stroke so you wouldn't have to go to that diversity seminar?

Pierce:It worked! It actually worked!

Pierce:I can't believe you all fell for it. You're all idiots.

Black Rider:I don't go to school here.

Black Rider:You've got a face like a foot and a butt for a brain.

Black Rider:I have to go. My shift at Kinko's starts in twenty minutes.

Black Rider:I'm not a student. I never was.

Annie:What? Then who are you?

Black Rider:Let's just say the ice cream sponsorship was never really about ice cream.

Annie:Oh my God. How deep does this go?

Black Rider:Deeper than you can imagine. And if you're smart, you'll forget you ever saw me.

Black Rider:I'm leaving this important conspiracy.

Black Rider:I have to go to a Nickelback concert.

Unknown invader:Your pitiful resistance is as ineffective as your general education requirements.

Unknown invader:We have conquered worse academic institutions.

Unknown character:Are we like the Little Rascals?

Pierce:I was a Little Rascal.

Jeff:Well, I guess we're all going to hell.

Pierce:You think you're so smart, Jeff, but you're about to learn what it's like when you mess with Pierce Hawthorne.

Jeff:Is that a threat, Pierce?

Pierce:It's not a threat, it's a promise. You're going to hell in a handbasket on an iceberg.

Jeff:That doesn't even make sense.

Pierce:That's how mad I am — I'm breaking the laws of metaphor!