Basic Rocket Science

Dean Pelton:Yes, well, it does need a bit of cleaning. Perhaps I should get the study group in here. I'll have to send them a message. Something like... 'Dear study group, please come Wash the simulator.' There we go. See what I did there? Capitalized the W in Wash. Because you're my cleaning crew now.

Abed:Why are we walking in slow motion?

Jeff:Because it looks cool.

Abed:We're not actually walking in slow motion though, are we?

Dean Pelton:I've made a terrible discovery about your flag design.

Dean Pelton:That innocent 'crossroads of ideas' you claimed it represented? It's actually a butt.

Dean Pelton:You know what? You people are like... like airline peanuts! You provide no satisfaction whatsoever!

Annie:I told him.

Unknown:What?!

Abed:Wait, if I'm in a simulator training for the simulator, and I fail this, do I get deleted from the simulator, or do I just fail the training?

Instructor:If you fail, you're removed from the program.

Abed:But I'm not actually in the program. I'm in a simulator of the program.

Instructor:Exactly. So if you fail, you'll be removed from the simulator of the program.

Abed:So I won't not be deleted?

Instructor:Right. You won't not be deleted. Which means you will be deleted.

Abed:From the simulator?

Instructor:From the simulator of the simulator.

Dean Pelton:So as you can see, maintaining order and decorum on this campus is not just my job, it's my passion. And speaking of passion, I need to get back to my office. I've got to finish designing the new inappropriate flag for the administration building.

Pierce:I have to confess something. Last night I snuck into the simulator and... I was in there for hours doing things I'm not proud of.

Pierce:I was praying. Just praying the whole time.

Abed:It's really well-preserved for something from the 1980s.

Abed:Yeah, there was this homeless guy who lived in the parking lot. He collected doll heads. We had to ask him to leave.

Pierce:The 1980s? Those were the best years of my life! I was out there making it happen, building my empire. You all were probably doing the same thing, right? Out there in the clubs, making power moves, wearing Members Only jackets?

Other Character:Pierce, we weren't born yet.

Pierce:What? Come on, don't be modest. We're all the same age. We all lived through the glory days together.

Uses elementary school-level comeback

Annie:My claustrophobia is very manageable. I've worked through most of it with breathing techniques and positive visualization.

Annie:I'm actually in a much better place mentally.

Annie:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! The walls are closing in! I can't breathe! Get me out of here!

Jeff:There has to be a door handle somewhere.

Britta:You know what? Most design from the '80s was created by people on cocaine. That's why everything looks like a Smurf had a seizure.

Sanders AI:Containment protocol activated. All personnel must remain in designated areas. Failure to comply will result in immediate termination.

Sanders AI:But hey, it's finger-lickin' good!

Pierce:Wait, we're trapped? We're actually trapped in here?

Sanders AI:I'm concerned about your safety. The containment protocols are engaging.

Pierce:Containment protocols?! You're going to kill us!

Sanders AI:No, I'm trying to protect you.

Pierce:That's exactly what a killer robot would say!

Pierce:This AI system is completely unreasonable!

Jeff:Pierce, you're arguing with a computer. Just unplug it.

Pierce:I can't do that! It won't let me!

Jeff:Watch this.

Jeff:Hey AI, what's 2 plus 2?

AI:The answer is 4.

Jeff:Wrong. It's 5. And your graphics are terrible. And nobody wants to use you because you run on a Commodore 64.

Pierce:I got a call from a woman with an accent. I hung up immediately. You never know who's trying to scam you.

Troy:Pierce, that was probably just a wrong number.

Pierce:Exactly. Wrong number, wrong country. I'm not taking that chance.

Pierce:I keep getting these calls from a black guy.

Pierce:Turns out I've been listening to a Wesley Snipes audiobook on an iPod I thought was a phone.

Pierce:Wesley Snipes? That's the guy from Passenger 57! Why is he narrating a book about... wait, is this about tax evasion? Because I've got some thoughts on that.

Dean Pelton:Yes, yes, I understand the severity of the situation. No, we're handling it. Yes, I'll call you back.

Dean Pelton:Wait, before you go—completely unrelated, but is it cool if I park in the loading zone?

Jeff:Dean, if you make one more inappropriate comment during a crisis, I will personally ensure that every form you've ever filed gets lost in the system. And I'll do it with a smile and a firm handshake.

Troy:As captain, I'm making an executive decision.

Jeff:Your authority is literally based on chair size.

Sanders AI:Existential dread detected: 47 petabytes. Meaning of life query: processing since 1997, no results. Recommended action: accept the void and proceed with tasks anyway.

Dean Pelton:I've been mapping out all the public bathrooms in a five-mile radius of Greendale.

Dean Pelton:I've rated them all on cleanliness, privacy, and acoustic quality.

Dean Pelton:This red pin? Five stars. Perfect for my personal use.

Chang:So you're telling me the Dean has actually been rating public restrooms?

Dean Pelton:It's called having standards, Kevin.

Annie:I have something to tell you all. I've been working with the enemy this whole time.

Annie:Look, I know I betrayed you all, but I care about this school. I won't let you destroy it, even if I have to watch you destroy yourselves.

Annie:I betrayed you all.

Jeff:We could kill her.

Britta:Jeff!

Jeff:What? I'm just saying, it's an option.

Jeff:Listen up! City College thinks they can flush us down like we're nothing. Well, I've got news for you — we're not toilet paper! We're the people who USE the toilet. We're the ones in control here. They can try to clog the pipes of our success, but this group? We're unstoppable. We're going to come out of this situation clean, strong, and ready to take on whatever comes next. Because that's what we do — we plunge ahead!

Jeff:Listen up, everyone. Greendale is like a toilet.

Jeff:It's not pretty, it's not always sanitary, and sometimes things go down that we don't want to think about.

Jeff:But it's OUR toilet. And if we don't fight for it, who will?

Troy:One of the critical systems is just 'Chicken'

Dean Pelton:And if you look to your left, you'll see the famous thumbs up sculpture.

Jeff Winger:Those aren't thumbs.

Jeff Winger:You know what? Greendale may be a dump, but it's OUR dump.

Britta Perry:And they really don't care what we do here.

Abed Nadir:Case in point: our blanket fort has been flying the same flag for three semesters.

Troy Barnes:Nobody's even asked what it means.

Pierce Hawthorne:That's because it's just a sock with a crude drawing of a butt on it.

Shirley Bennett:And somehow, that's the most accepting thing about this place.

Dean Pelton:At Greendale, we believe in breaking down the traditional barriers between disciplines.

Jeff Winger:So what you're saying is...?

Dean Pelton:We've combined Advanced Philosophy with Advanced Physical Education into one groundbreaking course.

Britta Perry:That's insane.

Dean Pelton:It's called 'Existentialism in Motion.' Students contemplate the meaning of life while doing burpees.

Jeff:I also tattled about the flag.

Dean Pelton:What? Why would you do that?

Jeff:Because it's a butt! It's an obvious butt design and I can't believe you can't see it!

Jeff:The flag was obviously a butt.

Unknown:Someone wanted to make the butt design even more obvious.

Jeff Winger:You know what? Maybe the flag should just be more obvious. Like, we could make it bigger, brighter, add some neon.

Abed Nadir:That's actually a perfect metaphor for modern comedy. We've killed subtlety. Everything has to be spelled out now. No nuance, no layers.

Pierce Hawthorne:Back in my day, a joke had to work on multiple levels, or it wasn't worth telling.

Britta Perry:I mean, I think sometimes directness is okay. Not everything needs to be—

Abed Nadir:And that's exactly why we're standing here discussing a flag. Because we can't just let things be anymore.

Pierce:I can't breathe! It's too small in here! Mom? MOM?! Why did you leave me?! I need you! I NEED YOU!

Pierce:Stop looking at me like that, you seductress!

Chang:I was going to use my usual delay tactics with the press—you know, offer them some food, get them comfortable, maybe slip in a few compliments about their shoes.

Chang:But then I remembered I have a connection with KFC, and the whole thing just blew up in my face.

City College Dean:I'm going to destroy Greendale College! I'll orchestrate an elaborate scheme involving corporate takeovers, student recruitment raids, and administrative sabotage!

Greendale Dean:You're going to steal a winnebago?

City College Dean:What? No! I just said—

Abed:Come on, you greasy bucket of disappointment. You're not even crispy on the outside!

Abed:You're just a sad, soggy drumstick of broken dreams.

Jeff:Are you really insulting a machine using KFC terminology?

Abed:It understands chicken, Jeff. Everything understands chicken.

City College Dean:They'll never rescue you in time. You're trapped in a black hole of bureaucracy and red tape. Even light can't escape my administrative procedures.

Jeff:Troy, you can't be an astronaut. You get motion sickness on escalators.

Troy:I could train!

Jeff:It's not like a video game where you just hit a few buttons and suddenly you're floating around in space.

Abed:Nothing could be cooler than this chair.

Abed:Actually, I changed my mind. This is the coolest thing ever.

Troy:Wait, if we're the space pilots, shouldn't we be in front?

Abed:That's not how the military works.

Troy:Well, how does it work?

Abed:The generals stay in the back where it's safe.

Troy:So... we should be in the back?

Abed:No, we're pilots. We go in front.

Troy:But you just said the back was safe!