The Psychology of Letting Go

Britta:I'm actually relieved the oil spill happened.

Annie:What?

Britta:I couldn't think of any more ideas for Haiti relief.

Jeff:Look, my body is like a luxury car. Sure, it runs perfectly fine, but you still need to take it in for maintenance.

Troy:I don't have internet at home. I go to the library and use their computers. I'm still on AIM.

Troy:I have 47 away messages.

Troy:I saw a dead body in the stairwell.

Pierce:Oh, that's just stairwell season. Happens every year around this time. You gotta get your flu shot and your stairwell body vaccination.

Troy:I went into the garage to get the jumper cables, and there she was. Just lying there. And I didn't know what to do, so I just... I stood there. And then I realized—she looked just like my cat when it dies. You know how cats go somewhere to die? They just find a quiet place and lay down?

Troy:I saw her underwear.

Jeff:Pierce, your mom passed away.

Pierce:No she didn't.

Shirley:Honey, we were at the funeral.

Pierce:That was a nap.

Abed:Pierce, she's not breathing anymore.

Pierce:She never did much of that anyway.

Troy:Her heart stopped beating.

Pierce:Wrong. She's alive.

Pierce:My mother passed away. She was a very spiritual woman. She believed in a lot of things. Reincarnation, chakras, healing crystals, level five laser lotus.

Pierce:Level five laser lotus. That's what she called herself at the end. She said she'd reached the highest plane of spiritual enlightenment.

Pierce:Our sacred texts speak of the great Cybertron in the sky, where the Autobots wage their eternal war against the Decepticons of sin.

Pierce:And when you achieve enlightenment, you too can transform into a vehicle of righteousness. I myself have achieved the form of a 1987 Cadillac Eldorado.

Pierce:The Megatron of darkness tried to possess me once, but I simply recited the Book of Bumblebee and he retreated back to the Negative Zone.

Jeff:What?

Troy:Did you know that a group of flamingos is called a 'flamboyance'? Yeah, a flamboyance. I don't know why I know that.

Jeff:Yeah, because Abed's a great barometer for normal human behavior.

Jeff:Who's normal?

Abed:Baptists.

Abed:Different cultures have different death rituals. Jews sit shiva, Hindus have cremation ceremonies, and apparently we have Jeff ignoring phone calls for three days.

Jeff:I'm not ignoring your calls, Abed. I'm just... selectively not answering them.

Jeff:Abed, you can't keep correcting people like that.

Abed:Actually, the correct term is 'humankind.' 'Mankind' is exclusionary.

Jeff:That's not even what we were talking about.

Abed:Exactly. Language matters.

Jeff:I don't see what's different about Pierce's religion compared to any other religion.

Pierce:Well, we have lasers.

Jeff:Oh. Okay, that's... that's different.

Pierce:Hello?

Abed:He does that thing where he asks a question at the end of his statements to make sure people are still listening. It's a common speech pattern for people who've experienced social rejection.

Pierce:It's like breaking in a new pair of shoes, except the shoes are breasts and I'm the one wearing them.

Duncan:I'm your substitute teacher for today. I should mention, I was arrested last week for attempted strangulation, but that's all been cleared up with the administration.

Duncan:What is anthropology?

Duncan:Miss... (gestures inappropriately at female student)

Student:Anthropology is the study of humanity.

Duncan:Wow. And here I thought it was going to be complicated.

Chang:You're a drunk limey!

Duncan:I am not a drunk. I have a letter from my doctor stating I only drink in the evenings.

Chang:Duncan, this letter is dated 9 AM.

Chang:You know what? I'm not even mad about the 25 feet thing. It's actually a relief. Because every time I look at Duncan, all I can think is... Beaker from The Muppets had a baby with a scrotum.

Annie:Did you know pelicans can hold more fish in their beaks than they can eat in a lifetime? It's like they're optimistic!

Britta:That's not true at all.

Annie:Well, they're still very noble creatures and I'm going to write a strongly worded letter to whoever invented the negative pelican stereotype.

Nurse:You have something infectious.

Jeff:What? What do I have?

Nurse:Your smile. It's infectious.

Nurse:Yeah, I've given like three people AIDS diagnoses by accident before.

Jeff Winger:I treat my body like a temple.

Nurse:Well, your temple is just meat.

Jeff:We're all just falling apart, you know? Our bodies decaying, our minds going. It's like watching the Indiana Jones franchise.

Jeff:Started out incredible, groundbreaking. Now we're just waiting for the next one to come out so we can be disappointed again.

Jeff:Nothing matters! We're all going to die! The universe is cold and indifferent!

Chang:Cool, cool. Hey, you want some yogurt?

Jeff:Look, Pierce's beliefs are just as valid as anyone else's. You can't dismiss someone's entire worldview just because it's different.

Jeff:And frankly, I think we could all benefit from embracing a little more nihilism. Nothing matters, everyone dies, and there's no inherent meaning to any of our actions. So really, you should be nicer to Pierce.

Britta:Annie, your fundraising numbers are incredible. What's your secret? Do you have some kind of routine?

Annie:A routine? I just... I ask people nicely and they give me money. Is that not normal?

Britta:No, Annie, that's not— most people have to manipulate or coerce donations.

Annie:Oh! Well, I do manipulate them. I just use my eyes and my voice and say things like 'Please help the children' while looking very concerned.

Britta:That's... that's exactly what I just said.

Annie:Then why did you ask if I had a routine? I thought you meant something weird, like a dance or a chant.

Annie:I'm not going to apologize for my fundraising methods. If people want to make a puppet of me, that's their choice.

Jeff:That came out wrong.

Annie:What? I meant they can control me, manipulate me, use me however they want!

Britta:Yeah, maybe use different words.

Britta:Look, my fundraising numbers are lower because I actually care about consent and boundaries.

Annie:Britta, that's not fair. I care about those things too.

Britta:Oh really? Then why are you always enabling sexual assault?

Annie:I am NOT enabling sexual assault!

Britta:You literally smiled at Jeff yesterday.

Annie:You're being so bitter, Britta.

Britta:Oh, I'm bitter? That's rich coming from someone named Annie.

Annie:What's wrong with Annie?

Britta:It's just so... annie. Like, you're the annie-est Annie that ever annie'd.

Annie:Did you just verb my name?

Britta:I'm annieing right now. We're all annieing. This whole conversation is very annie.

Annie:Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.

Britta:Ridiculous? RIDICULICIOUS. The most ridiculicious thing in ridiculia.

Annie:I wasn't trying to sexualize myself! The back brace is causing my posture to be all arched and...

Annie:I can't help how it makes me look!

Pierce:This lava lamp is my mom.

Troy:Wait... what?

Pierce:Well, you see, the energon doesn't just appear out of thin air, Jeff. You gotta understand the basic thermodynamics of crystalline lattice structures. The pods, they're harvested from deep within the Earth's crust where the pressure and heat have naturally compressed the exotic matter into a semi-stable state. Then you gotta run it through a centrifuge—a very specific centrifuge, mind you, not just any centrifuge—to separate the pure energon from the mundane rock. It's all very scientific.

Jeff:Yeah, and I'm sure it comes in a leather-bound box from the SkyMall catalog.

Duncan:What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

Jeff:About 200 years and a really good real estate agent.

Troy:Is it like a video game?

Pierce:Yes! Exactly like Pac-Man. You go around, eat dots, and try to avoid the ghosts.

Jeff:The difference between a religion and a cult is the number of people who think it's crazy. Pierce's religion has exactly one.

Pierce:My spirituality is empowering. It's like... it's like a video game where I'm the main character and God is my co-op partner.

Troy:That's... that's not how co-op works, Pierce.

Pierce:No, no, no. I'm telling you, it's the same thing. I level up spiritually, collect power-ups through prayer, and God's got my back when the boss fights get tough.

Pierce:The bathos of eternal enlightenment tasting like cheap fruit drink

Annie:Oh my gosh, you guys, I'm like a little baby! Goo goo ga ga! Look how pelicany I am!

Britta:I don't need male attention to feel validated. I'm completely independent.

Jeff:Really? Because you've changed outfits three times since we got here.

Britta:That has nothing to do with—

Abed:You also asked me twice if your hair looked okay.

Britta:Well, that's just basic grooming!

Shirley:Y'all are the same person. One of you just has more emotional baggage and the other one has more emotional baggage.

Jeff:I've made a lot of sacrifices for my health. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I work out every day.

Abed:That's not health, that's vanity.

Jeff:Well, yes, but the results are the same.

Jeff:Do you know what I've sacrificed for this group?

Abed:Your dignity, mostly.

Abed:If I had imaginary powers, I'd use them on Chang.

Jeff:You know what? I've been thinking about what I said to Pierce, and... I realize I was wrong.

Abed:Really?

Jeff:Yeah. I wasn't nearly harsh enough. I need a better strategy to really get under his skin about his religion.

Jeff:Look, I know I'm being cruel, and that self-awareness actually makes me want to be even crueler. It's like knowing you're a bad person gives you permission to embrace it.

Troy:Let's go get some ice cream! They have a new flavor and it's number 69!

Troy:You know what? I'm gonna get a 69.

Abed:That's the sex number.

Troy:What? No, it's not. It's just a number between 68 and 70.

Britta:You know what? I've made some really bad romantic choices in my life, but at least I never dated Pierce.

Britta:Oh my God, I've been sleeping with a man who wouldn't help Pierce. What does that say about me?

Jeff:That you have terrible taste in men?

Britta:I already knew that.

Chang:This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. This is what America is all about.

Pierce's Mom (recording):My dearest Pierce, I've left you this message to play after I'm gone. It's time for you to let go of the past and move forward with your life. I want you to know that I love you, and—

Pierce's Mom (recording):Oh, and that energon pod you've always treasured? It's just a lamp from Bed Bath & Beyond. I got it on sale for $19.99.

Pierce's Mother:Pierce, my son, I need to tell you the truth. The organization you've joined is a fraud. They've been manipulating you for years. I'm dying and I can't let you go on believing their lies.

Pierce:Mom, you're just confused. The dementia is getting worse. You don't understand what you're talking about.

Abed:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just spoil Inception like that! Some of us haven't seen it yet!

Abed:Do you know how many layers of dreams are in that movie? I need to experience that confusion firsthand!