Regional Holiday Music

Jeff Winger:You know, I thought Christmas decorations might actually make our mascot less terrifying.

Britta Perry:Nope. Somehow it's worse.

Abed Nadir:He looks like he's going to steal Christmas and also my identity.

Unknown:Yeah, well, I'm not 'trimming the tree' — I'm summoning Pinhead.

Abed:The special got terrible reviews. Like, actually terrible. Critics called it 'an assault on the senses.' But then something weird happened — the British government got involved. They were like, 'This is so bad, we're revoking the creator's knighthood.' Which is crazy because he didn't even have one to begin with. But they were so offended they created the position just to take it away.

Abed:I want to watch something terrible twice.

Troy:My family doesn't acknowledge Christmas. We're Jehovah's Witnesses.

Jeff:Jehovah's Witnesses? Isn't that a little severe?

Troy:Compared to what?

Shirley:I'm thinking about targeting some of our more persuadable Jewish friends for conversion attempts this Christmas.

Annie:A gift is something given without expectation of return. What you're doing is emotional blackmail wrapped in a compliment.

Annie:Why can't you take both your grandmothers to the movies?

Unknown:One of them's dead.

Abed:Come on, Jeff. Let's have some light-hearted fun.

Jeff:The problem with forced cheer is that it's a paradox. You're supposed to be happy, but you're miserable that you're not being happy the right way.

Pierce:Wait, what are regionals? Is that like a medical condition? Do I need to be concerned?

Jeff:They're going to do a terrible mashup remix. I'm calling it now. Three... two... one...

Glee Club:[starts playing a horrible mashup]

Jeff:And there it is.

Jeff Winger:We're doing a pop music mashup.

Britta Perry:What songs?

Jeff Winger:Elton John, Lil Jon, and John Lennon.

Abed Nadir:So... three Johns and absolutely no musical cohesion.

Troy Barnes:That's ridiculous.

Jeff Winger:Exactly. That's the point.

Britta:Wait, where's Jeff? He usually leads the Glee club mockery.

Troy:Yeah, he's been really quiet about the whole thing.

Abed:Jeff's not saying anything? That's like a solar eclipse of douchebaggery.

Annie:Do you think he actually... likes Glee?

Jeff:I don't have an opinion on Glee.

Shirley:Oh honey, that's the most suspicious thing you've ever said.

ASCAP Agent:Hello. I am here on behalf of the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers. It has come to our attention that you have been performing copyrighted musical compositions without proper licensing or royalty payments.

ASCAP Agent:This is a serious matter. Each infringement carries penalties of up to $150,000 per work.

ASCAP Agent:You're operating an unlicensed performance venue. I'm shutting down the glee club effective immediately.

ASCAP Agent:As of now, you are the history club.

Glee Club Member:No! You can't shut down the Glee Club! This is the only place where I can express myself through song and dance without being judged!

Glee Club Member:Without Glee Club, I have nothing! My life is meaningless! I might as well just wander the halls like a common student!

Glee Club Member:This is worse than when they took away the good pudding cups from the cafeteria!

Jeff:I'm going to go ahead and pretend I didn't see any of that.

Dean Pelton:We've lost three glee clubs this semester alone. Three! Do you know how that looks for my administration?

Pierce:What are regionals? Is that like a brand of soda?

Pierce:What are regionals?

Dean Pelton:Well, Pierce, regionals are when the top show choirs from schools in the region compete against each other. It's very close. Very, very close.

Mr. Rad:You can call me Mr. Rad, or Radical, or Rad Daddy, or The Radical One.

Mr. Rad:Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crumbly! Get it?

Mr. Rad:Anyway, I prefer my pizza with extra cheese and no anchovies.

Jeff:Mr. Rad is like frozen yogurt - sweet, but ultimately artificial and a little bit of a lie.

Mr. Rad:You know, I want to thank you all for your help. And I want to say that I'm glad the glee club died in that bus crash.

Britta:It was like a drug. You know, that rush, that high, the way your pupils dilate, you can't sleep, you're grinding your teeth...

Britta:Wait. That was ecstasy. I took ecstasy at that glee club competition.

Britta:Mr. Rad is incredibly manipulative. He's like Hanson and Charles Manson had a baby.

Pierce:Wait, what? Regionals? Again? I thought we already did regionals. Are there multiple regionals now? Is that a thing?

Abed:I'm going to tinkle on the piano.

Mr. Rad:Pain becomes shoes, shoes become dance, dance becomes pain, pain becomes chance, chance becomes... uh... glee?

Abed:I'm spreading glee like it's a virus.

Abed:But don't worry, it's a healthy virus.

Abed:Okay, here's what we do. You're not celebrating Christmas, you're going undercover in a deep cover operation where your alias is a devout Christian. You have to blend in completely, which means attending all the Christmas parties, exchanging gifts, and singing carols. It's all part of the mission.

Troy:That's... that's actually genius.

Abed:I know. And if anyone asks why you're being so festive, you just tell them your cover is airtight.

Troy:I'm a spy now? This is the coolest thing that's ever happened to me!

Troy:What's my code name? Do I get gadgets? Oh man, do I get gadgets?

Troy:I'm going deep undercover. Nobody will ever suspect me because I'm just a regular guy who loves blanket forts and has impeccable comic timing.

Abed:I'm on the autism spectrum, it's not a big deal, just how my brain works, yo.

Pierce:Wait, you guys are rapping? Without me?

Troy:Well, we didn't think you'd be interested, Pierce.

Pierce:Not interested? I invented rap. I was rapping before any of you were born.

Abed:Pierce, you've never rapped in your life.

Pierce:That's because I've been waiting for the right moment. And I guess that moment is never going to come, is it? You know what? Fine. Rap without me. I'll just be here. Alone. Like always.

Britta:Even I'm confused about regionals, and I'm the one who's supposed to be confused about things!

Britta:No, Jeff. A man who's that cheerful and that tan? He's either hiding something or he's a skin cancer billboard. There's no in-between.

Annie:Wait, wait, wait. So you're saying that by not letting you bully us, we're actually bullying you? That's reverse bullying. Which, by definition, would make it... regular bullying. So you're just describing bullying. Which is what you were doing in the first place. So technically, we've just come full circle to the original problem, which means nothing has changed, and you're still a bully.

Troy:Your generation invented, like, everything. You guys basically built the world.

Pierce:Well, we didn't invent *everything*. But yes, we did most of it.

Britta:Wait, who are you? Why are you sitting at our table?

Stranger:This is my table.

Britta:No, no, no. This is OUR table. We sit here every day.

Stranger:Well, I'm sitting here now.

Britta:Am I having a psychotic break? Is this a test? Did Abed put you up to this?

Annie:But logically, if we break down the argument into its component parts and examine each premise systematically...

Abed:You should do that as a song.

Annie:What? No.

Abed:People respond better to information when it's set to music. It's a proven fact.

Annie:Abed, that's not going to work here.

Abed:Everything works better as a song.

Britta:Actually, this is a perfect example of how advertising exploits generational narcissism. Baby boomers are constantly told they're special, unique, and young at heart, which creates a vulnerability to products that promise to restore or maintain their youth. It's insidious manipulation of deep-seated fears about mortality and irrelevance.

Troy:Santa's a baby boomer, yeah!

Abed:He invented the Internet in '69

Troy:Came down the chimney in a tie-dye

Abed:Santa's a baby boomer, it's true

Troy:He gave participation trophies to me and you

Pierce:Santa invented the Santa Fe Railroad, the Santa Ana winds, and Santana, the band.

Pierce:He also invented Santa's Workshop, Santa Claus: The Movie, and Santa Fe salad dressing.

Pierce:Plus he came up with Santa Anita Park, the Santa Maria, and Santa Fe soap.

Mr. Rad:Britta, you're a tree.

Jeff:A glee club? In our study room?

Britta:They're taking over the whole space.

Shirley:I have a very specific fear of the abundance of top hats.

Jeff:Wait, you joined Glee Club? Annie, that's basically asking to get slushied.

Annie:Jeff, it's not that bad.

Jeff:Not that bad? Annie, those people are social lepers. You're going to lose all your friends.

Annie:I like singing.

Jeff:You like a lot of things! You like organizing things, and studying, and following rules. But Glee Club? That's where social capital goes to die.

Annie:So?

Jeff:So? SO? Annie, I'm trying to help you. These are the facts. Statistics show that Glee Club members have a 40% lower chance of dating anyone attractive. Plus, you're a Christian. Don't you have like a rule against this or something?

Annie:Santa's coming tonight, he's gonna be so big and strong, and he's gonna fill my stocking with candy canes and toys and—daddy issues.

Jeff:Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. Baby talk is cute for about... six months. After that, it becomes a cry for help.

Annie:Goo goo ga ga, it's Christmas time, fa la la la la, me want candy cane, nom nom nom. Oopsie woopsie, me dropped my present, gaga dada boom boom, Santa make it all better, yes he do, yes he do. Me so happy, me cry happy tears, goo goo gaga, Christmas is for babies like me!

Shirley:Happy birthday, Jesus! Happy birthday, Jesus! Happy birthday, Jesus! Happy birthday to you!

Shirley:We're so glad you were born! We're so glad you were born! We're so glad you were born on Christmas Day!

Mr. Rad:I really hope you guys make regionals.

Jeff:Wait, this isn't regionals?

Jeff:I just want to say, singing is my passion! I've decided to dedicate my life to show tunes and harmonizing with my fellow performers. This is who I really am!

Jeff:Okay, fine! I'm in the glee club! And you know what? It's the most beautiful, transcendent, life-affirming experience I've ever had! My voice has never felt so free! I'm alive! I'm truly alive!

Mr. Rad:Level one: you compete in traditional dodgeball. Level two: you compete in dodgeball, but the balls are filled with smaller balls. Level three: the balls are filled with snakes. Level four: the balls are filled with smaller dodgeballs. Level five: forget the balls, it's just snakes. Level six: it's snakes versus balls in a cage match. Level seven: we've stopped keeping track of what's happening.

Mr. Rad:This isn't just for Christmas. This is forever. We are a family now. A permanent, unbreakable family.

Britta:♪ My love is like a... bicycle made of chairs... ♪

Britta:♪ And your eyes are... sandwiches? No, spaghetti eyes... ♪

Britta:♪ We'll dance in the refrigerator of our souls... ♪

Mr. Rad:Britta, that was... that was something. You know what? I'm done. I'm done pretending to be positive and encouraging. Your singing is an assault on the human ear. It's like watching someone torture a cat, except the cat is music itself and you're doing it with your voice. I've listened to every tone-deaf performance, every flat note, every time you murdered a perfectly good song, and I just kept smiling and nodding like some kind of deranged motivational robot. Well, the facade is cracking, Britta. It's cracking hard.

Mr. Rad:That was... I need to sit down. No, I need to lie down. Actually, I need to leave the country. Britta, I've heard cats being tortured that sounded more musical than that. I've heard a lawn mower with a speech impediment sing better than you. Your voice doesn't just break glass—it shatters the human spirit. You didn't sing that song, you murdered it. You committed an audio homicide and I'm the only witness.

Jeff:Hey, hey, hey! Nobody insults Britta but me. I have seniority.

Mr. Rad:I didn't say anything about a bus crash. I would never say that. Why would I say that? I wasn't even there when the bus crashed.

Mr. Rad:Wait... no, that came out wrong.

Mr. Rad:Look, I don't know how to explain this, but your metaphorical brake lines are cut. Literally cut. Someone took scissors to them.

Jeff:Wait, what? My brake lines?

Mr. Rad:It's a metaphor, man. For your life. Your life's brake lines are cut.

Jeff:Okay, I don't... I don't understand.

Mr. Rad:Have you ever heard of The Police? Great band. Sting, really talented guy.

Mr. Rad:Look, I didn't kill anybody, okay? I was just... I was at the gym that night. Alone. In the dark. Disposing of... I mean, WORKING OUT.

Mr. Rad:You know who else had an alibi problem? Pearl Jam. Great band. Have you heard 'Alive'?

Shirley:It's been a dark semester. I may have killed a man.

Shirley:I killed someone.

Britta:I attacked my friends with an axe.

Britta:Oh my god, this singing is terrible.

Annie:It's like watching our glee club all over again.

Troy:We were really bad, weren't we?

Abed:The worst. Just like this.

Tag singers:Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, Jeff! Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, Britta! Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, Annie! Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, Troy! Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, Abed!