Contemporary Impressionists

Shirley:I cast my family in all the good roles. My husband is Joseph, I'm Mary, and my children are the three wise men and the angels.

Shirley:The rest of you can be the animals and the inn keeper who says no.

Abed:I'm digitizing my entire VHS collection. It's time for a modern upgrade.

Abed:I'm converting everything to Betamax.

Annie:I am so psyched for this semester! I'm taking Intro to Psychology and I've never been more... psycho-logical about my future!

Annie:I'm on a roll with these psychology puns! You could say I'm really analyzing the situation!

Jeff:Yeah, we're going to stop that right now.

Troy:You already do this constantly. You diagnosed me with abandonment issues after I didn't text you back for like three hours.

Troy:Why do you always have to diagnose everything?

Annie:I'm just trying to help.

Britta:Actually, Troy, what you're experiencing is Persistent Skepticism Disorder. It's very rare. You should see someone about that.

Jeff:Something's changed about me. I have swagger now.

Jeff:My swagger has swagger.

Jeff:My swagger's swagger has swagger.

Jeff:I'm on medication now, which is great because my therapist says I have a tendency to be self-absorbed and defensive, which I completely disagree with because I'm a very open and honest person who's willing to admit when I'm wrong, which I never am, so really the medication is just helping me explain myself better, and honestly, I think I deserve an award for how well I just explained that.

Britta:You're a textbook narcissist.

Jeff:A textbook narcissist? Please. I'm way too unique to be textbook anything.

Harrison Ford impersonator:I didn't kill my wife!

Tommy Lee Jones impersonator:I don't care.

Harrison Ford impersonator:You have to believe me!

Tommy Lee Jones impersonator:Find yourself.

Troy:Abed's been doing this thing lately where he impersonates people from movies and TV shows. It's actually getting pretty good.

Annie:Wait, so when he does the impersonation, is he pretending to be the actor or the character?

Troy:The character, obviously.

Annie:Right, but like... who's playing who in this scenario?

Chang:Stop right there! You're under arrest!

Impersonator 1:You'll never take me alive, copper!

Chang:I'm gonna— wait, why are you talking like that?

Impersonator 2:It's from Casablanca, man. We're just doing scenes.

Chang:Scenes? I thought you were actually criminals!

Dean Pelton:Chang, you can't use a tranquilizer gun on small students!

Chang:You're right, Dean. I'll use a smaller tranquilizer gun.

Dean Pelton:Our financial situation is dire. We need to think outside the box.

Dean Pelton:I've looked into every option, and I believe our best course of action is to steal electricity from the neighboring buildings.

Dean Pelton:It's not technically stealing if we frame it as a community partnership they don't know about.

Dean:Chang, you look like Renée Zellweger in every movie she's ever been in.

Chang:Thank you Dean for letting me hire student security. With their help, we'll finally have the manpower to overthrow the administration and establish martial law on this campus.

Dean Pelton:I'm sorry, what?

Chang:I mean... uh... maintain order. We'll maintain order.

Chang:Wait, what was I saying?

Chang:Hiii-YAH! Wah-chick-chicka! Hoo-ah!

Britta:I looked it up, and I was right.

Jeff:Let me guess — you Googled yourself again?

Britta:Jeff's problem is that he has a fear of commitment, right? So it's like... this apple represents Jeff.

Britta:And this orange represents a relationship.

Britta:When they get close, the apple gets all weird and runs away. See?

Jeff:Britta, you're just moving fruit around.

Britta:I know! That's how bad it is!

Jeff:Britta, apples don't work that way.

Leonard:That's a nice shirt, Jeff.

Jeff:Thank you, Leonard. You know, compliments like that remind me why I served my country. Well, not served exactly, but I certainly thought about it. Several times. In dreams. Mostly nightmares about boot camp, but still—the sentiment stands. Your kind words are the true uniform of a grateful nation.

Jeff:Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to thank you for flying Jeff Winger Airways. We're currently cruising at 35,000 feet and a level of hotness that has caused our oxygen masks to drop automatically. Please keep your seatbelts fastened—it's gonna get bumpy when I stand up.

Dean Pelton:Even his shadow is attractive.

Abed:Yeah, well, the gold mine's run dry. I'm broke.

Vinnie:You owe me money, and I don't take kindly to deadbeats.

Abed:I can explain—

Vinnie:Shut it. You're gonna—wait a second. Hey, Jeff. Come here.

Jeff:What?

Vinnie:Has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like Ryan Seacrest?

Jeff:I don't see it.

Vinnie:No, no, it's uncanny. The hair, the smile... Do you use the same conditioner?

Vinnie:You look just like Ryan Seacrest.

Jeff:Thanks.

Vinnie:No, I mean you're more attractive than him.

Vinnie:You've got great teeth. They're so... straight. And white. Like a beautiful white fence.

Annie:Thank you!

Vinnie:Yeah, shame about the face they're in.

Vinnie:You know who you look like? You look like Usher.

Troy:Really?

Vinnie:Yeah, absolutely.

Shirley:Well, he looks like Denzel Washington to me.

Troy:Denzel? I was thinking more like a young Wesley Snipes.

Shirley:No, no, no. Definitely Denzel.

Vinnie:Usher, no question.

Troy:Can't you guys just agree on something?

Shirley:We should let him suffer. Suffering brings people closer to God.

Pierce:We should help Abed. He's like a beautiful, confused angel who fell to earth and doesn't understand why people keep trying to return him to the store.

Pierce:He gave me a Precious Moments figurine of a little boy crying into a bucket.

Vinnie:You mess this up, there will be consequences.

Vinnie:These guys? They're not just impersonators. They actually ARE what they're impersonating.

Vinnie:This kid's like a rookie soldier - sounds brave until the first shot gets fired.

Vinnie:You can't trust him to hold the line. By the second dance, he's AWOL.

Britta:Don't wear the tux.

Jeff:I'm wearing the tux.

Britta:Jeff, you look like Michael Jackson.

Jeff:Thank you.

Britta:No, white Michael Jackson.

Jeff:Oh, so just Michael Jackson.

Jeff:Britta, you're being ridiculous.

Britta:Am I? Because I think—

Jeff:You can keep talking, but only if you agree to stop using words.

Jeff:I want you to walk backwards and speak in a high voice.

Britta:Okay... *walks backwards in high voice* WARNING: The carpet in the study lounge has a trip hazard near the door!

Shirley:I'm one of the impersonators.

Bouncer:Oh yeah? Who do you do?

Shirley:Come on, you know who I look like.

Bouncer:I... I really don't want to say.

Troy:I'm a Burt Reynolds impersonator.

Bouncer:I'm gonna need to see some ID.

Bouncer:Let me check under 'fat.'

Bouncer:Oh yeah, there you are!

Abed:I'm so sorry about your death.

Lorenzo Lamas impersonator:Yeah, it was a real shame.

Chang:What movie is this?

Abed:It's a classic. A cop and a half-cop, half-ghost detective team up to stop a time-traveling serial killer who's also a sentient weather system. The twist is they're all the same person, but in different dimensions.

Chang:That doesn't sound real.

Abed:It won Best Picture. Three times.

Abed:The fake Lorenzo's Oil movie has this completely ridiculous plot where the dad has to give the kid piggyback rides up a mountain to cure the disease.

Chang:What are you talking about?

Abed:You wouldn't understand. It's a TV thing.

Kid:You look familiar.

Annie:What? I look like Moby?

Kid:Yeah, like Moby.

Jeff:Britta, I need you to do me a favor. Deflate my ego a little.

Britta:You're not that smart.

Jeff:Okay, good start.

Britta:You're a narcissist with the self-awareness of a sexually frustrated golden retriever.

Jeff:Alright, alright, I feel it.

Britta:Your hair is a monument to vanity, and your face would be handsome if it weren't always contorted by your own smugness. You're so desperate to be liked that you've turned your entire personality into a highlight reel, and deep down, you're terrified that without your looks and charm, you'd be absolutely nothing.

Jeff:Whoa, whoa, okay, I think that's enough.

Britta:Plus you have weak calves.

Britta:You're self-absorbed, you're manipulative, you're a narcissist, and honestly, your knees are kind of weird and bony.

Britta:You're a narcissist who uses charm to manipulate people into doing what you want.

Jeff:Okay, well, you're just saying that to hurt me.

Britta:No, I'm not.

Jeff:Yes, you are. Nobody's actually like that.

Jeff:I was just leaving, but... awards you say?

Jeff:An award? For me? I don't need some silly participation trophy from a bunch of kids.

Jeff:Wait, there's an actual award? Like a real, physical award?

Jeff:I'm in. Where do I accept it?

Jeff:I lost to a 13-year-old? A 13-year-old?! Do you know what this means? It means I've peaked. I'm done. My best days are behind me. I'm obsolete. There's a child out there who's more handsome than me, and he's not even finished puberty yet. What am I supposed to do now? Learn to be interesting?

Jeff:I need everyone to look at me right now. LOOK AT ME!

Jeff:I'm falling apart here! My face is too symmetrical, my hair is too perfect, and nobody's paying attention to how attractive I am!

Jeff:This is a crisis! A CRISIS!

Birthday Boy:Wait, was the Hulk part of the entertainment?

Jeff:Yes. Yes, absolutely.

Birthday Boy:Cool!

Troy:I saw Boogie Nights. I know all about Burt Reynolds.

Vinnie:You're a gay fish.

Troy:Yeah, okay.

Patch Adams impersonator:Why did the skeleton go to the hospital? Because he didn't have the guts! Get it? No guts?

Patch Adams impersonator:What did the doctor say to the patient? I've got good news and bad news. The good news is you're going to live. The bad news is... you're going to live!

Patch Adams impersonator:Why don't eggs tell jokes? Because they'd crack each other up! And you've cracked your leg!

Troy:Wait, wait, wait. If Abed hired an impersonator to be Abed, then who's been Abed this whole time?

Abed:We need more impersonators. I'm expanding the operation.

Abed:Multiple characters means multiple revenue streams. I'm thinking Popeye, maybe some others.

Abed:I yam what I yam.

Abed:I don't know if I can trust you to know better.

Troy:Well, how can I know better if you don't trust me to know better? But if you trusted me, I'd know that you trusted me, so I'd know better. But you don't, so I don't. So you can't.

Party guest:Did you see Seacrest Hulk? That's my bubbe!

Britta:Actually, I think I'll use Abed as my study subject instead. He's much less complicated than you.

Abed:I've been thinking about traveling alone. You know, finding myself.

Evil Abed:That's funny. I was thinking the same thing.

Abed:Wait. If you're my evil twin, and we're both thinking the same thing, how do we know which one of us is real?

Evil Abed:Exactly. Maybe I'm the real Abed and you're the reflection.

Abed:Or maybe we're both reflections of some other Abed out there right now having this conversation with his mirror.

Abed:You know what this is? This is us acknowledging that we know we're on a TV show. Which means the show knows that we know, which means they'll do something weird to mess with us for knowing.

Abed:We're in a meta-loop now. We've achieved meta-singularity.

Chang:Listen up, my security force. From now on, you will be known as the Chang Gang.

Students:Chang Gang! Chang Gang! Chang Gang!

Chang:Yes, yes. I know what you're thinking — 'Isn't that just a play on words?' Well, you're wrong. It's a play on MY words. Because I'm Chang.

Students:Chang Gang! Chang Gang! Chang Gang!