Origins of Vampire Mythology

Troy:Bye bye bye!

Abed:Don't want to hear you say goodbye!

Troy:We're gonna miss you!

Abed:So much!

Troy:When we're gone!

Abed:You'll cry!

Pierce:You know, sometimes I wonder if any of you actually like me, or if you just feel obligated because we study together.

Group:Aww, Pierce...

Pierce:Oh, shut up! I don't want your pity. That's worse than not liking me.

Dean Pelton:Random personal declaration about trains

Dean:Choo choo! All aboard!

Britta:His name is... Subway.

Jeff:Like the sandwich place?

Annie:Oh no.

Troy:Britta, what were you thinking?

Abed:That's worse than any of her other decisions.

Pierce:I dated a girl named Olive once. Different situation.

Shirley:Lord have mercy.

Abed:She's right. We're laughing at her pain, which is the same thing that's happening to us right now — we're laughing at a character laughing at a character's pain. It's meta-comedy, which means the joke is on us, which means we should feel bad, which means we're laughing at ourselves feeling bad. It's a perfect loop.

Jeff:Wait, your name is Blade? Like the Marvel character?

Blade:Yes, that's my name.

Jeff:I'm gonna need you to stop that immediately. Marvel's lawyers are very aggressive.

Jeff:You're such a nerd for knowing all that comic book stuff.

Abed:Oh yeah? Well you knew Britta's boyfriend's favorite beer without her telling you. That's pretty nerdy too.

Jeff:That's different.

Abed:Is it though?

Jeff:Britta's taste in men is so bad, she dated a guy who thought a turn signal was a suggestion.

Jeff:Then she dated someone who microwaved fish at work.

Jeff:And finally, a guy who dog-eared his books. She's basically dating characters from a Dostoevsky novel at this point.

Troy:Wait, what does that mean?

Pierce:It means you put your... look, never mind. You're not ready for this conversation.

Pierce:I was just trying to make a joke. Why does everyone always assume the worst about me?

Pierce:I know I'm not always... politically correct. But I'm not a bad guy. I just say things without thinking sometimes.

Pierce:And now nobody wants to hang out with me because of it. Which, I guess, is fair. But it still sucks.

Jeff:Blade? What kind of name is Blade? It's so stupid. Although, to be fair, the first two movies were actually pretty good.

Jeff:I love having a locker. Do you know how many outfit changes I can do in a day now?

Jeff:I've already done three. I'm on my fourth. By lunch, I'll have cycled through my entire wardrobe twice.

Jeff:So what do you guys think? Does this work?

Annie:No.

Troy:Not at all.

Jeff:I didn't even finish the outfit.

Annie:Doesn't matter.

Annie:Troy! That is completely inappropriate!

Troy:What? It's a classic movie reference. I'm just saying, like in When Harry Met Sally, we could—

Annie:I don't care what they did in the movie! You can't just say things like that!

Troy:Why not? Harry and Sally figured it out. Maybe we should just—

Annie:Oh my God, stop talking!

Britta:I have a weakness for Blade. You know, the vampire hunter? Wesley Snipes? I just... I can't help myself. He's so dangerous and mysterious.

Jeff:So what you're saying is... he really knows how to... fill in your blank squares?

Britta:That's not funny.

Britta:Annie, I need help with my addiction comparison essay. Like, what's something you're addicted to?

Annie:Um, I don't know. Studying?

Britta:Okay, so you're addicted to studying like I'm addicted to... what if we're both addicted to the same thing but in different ways?

Annie:That doesn't make sense, Britta.

Britta:What if I'm addicted to thinking about being addicted to thinking about addiction, and you're addicted to thinking I'm not thinking about it?

Annie:I'm leaving.

Troy:Britta's really into that guy. She's like, desperately into him. I've never seen her like this before.

Troy:You know what? I think I know how she feels. Women get like that around me sometimes. It's just something I have to deal with.

Dean Pelton:All aboard! Next stop, administration! Choo choo! *adjusts conductor hat* The 4:15 to—

Visitor:Excuse me, where's the registrar?

Dean Pelton:Sir, if you could just wait until I've completed my—

Visitor:I'm in a hurry.

Dean Pelton:But I haven't even gotten to the part where I mime the coupling mechanism!

Dean Pelton:Troy is a very talented student of the African-American persuasion.

Dean Pelton:I need your help with something, but I can't be specific about what it is.

Secretary:Um, okay? What do you need help with?

Dean Pelton:I just told you, I can't be specific. But it's urgent and it might involve... alcohol.

Secretary:Dean, I really need more information.

Dean Pelton:Fine. I'm completely helpless and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

Troy:Blade has these silver stakes, and he uses them to—

Britta:Can we please not talk about Blade right now?

Troy:But Blade's the best vampire hunter! He's got—

Jeff:I think she means her ex, Blade.

Britta:Can I ask you something? And I want you to answer honestly.

Britta:If you were texting with someone, would you tell me?

Britta:Because if you were, and you didn't tell me, and I found out from someone else, I don't know if I could ever trust you again. I mean, we'd probably have to move to separate countries. Change our names. I'd become a interpretive dancer in Montreal.

Britta:I'm not saying I need my phone, I'm saying that in today's society, constant connectivity is essential for personal safety and professional obligations. It's about being responsible.

Annie:You're addicted to your phone.

Britta:Oh my god, what is this?

Jeff:We need to talk to you about something.

Annie:We've all been very concerned.

Troy:This is an intervention.

Abed:We even wrote it down so you wouldn't feel blindsided.

Pierce:There's a message on the banana.

Shirley:We love you, and that's why we're doing this.

Britta:Why won't you unblock me?! I'm not even mad, I'm just frustrated!

Britta:You know what? Fine. You're being really immature about this.

Britta:Actually, you're being downright stupid. Like, genuinely dumb.

Britta:You're a sentient turd! A walking pile of incompetence!

Britta:You're basically Batman, but if Batman was made of wet spaghetti and bad decisions!

Troy:She just called me the opposite of Batman.

Abed:What's the opposite of Batman?

Troy:I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I'm not it.

Jeff:Pierce, if you ever tell anyone about the things we do together, I will destroy you.

Pierce:What things? We don't do anything.

Jeff:Exactly. And I'd like to keep it that way.

Pierce:I found a best friend.

Jeff:Chang? Really? That's like saying you found the best gas station on the highway. Sure, it exists, but nobody's aspiring to that.

Chang:So what do you want to do today?

Pierce:I don't know, maybe we could play some Russian roulette?

Chang:Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a little intense, don't you think?

Pierce:What? You're the one who suggested it!

Chang:No I didn't! I said we could play... uh... Parcheesi. Parcheesi roulette.

Shirley:Blade is way better looking than Jeff.

Jeff:Shirley, come on.

Shirley:What? I'm not just saying that because you're here. Blade is genuinely more attractive.

Jeff:Blade is an aspirational figure for the African-American community. He's a hero who doesn't apologize for his sexuality or his desire for vengeance. He's a man who understands that sometimes you have to embrace your darkness to save yourself.

Jeff:C'est magnifique, non?

Britta:You're my sister now.

Annie:What? No, I'm not!

Britta:Yes, you are. Sisters share everything. Now give me your phone.

Annie:That's not how this works!

Annie:I switched our phones so you'd have to listen to me.

Troy:That's like if Blade had a gun that made you not a vampire anymore. That's not a gift, that's a curse!

Annie:Britta, your passive-aggressive behavior is unacceptable, and frankly, your psychology degree is a joke. Also, it's 'narcissism,' not 'narcissim.' You spelled it wrong on your business cards.

Jeff:So your name is just... Blade?

Blade:Yes.

Jeff:Like the vampire hunter?

Blade:I don't know what you mean.

Jeff:Your parents named you Blade?

Blade:Mustard is a window into the soul.

Jeff:I'm not cool anymore. I've lost my edge.

Shirley:Jeff, you're still cool. You're like the coolest guy here.

Jeff:No, Shirley. Blade said—

Shirley:Honey, you don't need Blade to tell you you're cool. You just are.

Pierce:Chang, you're my best friend, my brother from another mother.

Chang:Pierce, you complete me.

Pierce & Chang:🎵 We are friends, forever friends, riding on a rainbow's end! 🎵

Pierce & Chang:🎵 Through the highs and through the lows, that's the way our friendship goes! 🎵

Annie:Oh my god, Britta's been texting me all day. Let me read you these...

Annie:"Hey, remember that thing we talked about?" Okay...

Annie:"I've been thinking about it a lot." Thinking about what?

Annie:"We need to talk." Oh no...

Annie:"It's about us." There is no us, Britta!

Annie:"I can't keep this secret anymore." What secret?!

Annie:And then... "He has your eyes."

Troy:Dean Pelton, what are you doing here?

Dean:What am I doing here? I work here, Troy. I'm the Dean.

Troy:Oh right, sorry Dean.

Dean:It's okay. It just... it hurts a little.

Annie:Some people call me Blade. Some people call me daywalker. I don't really care what you call me.

Annie:I just know that vampires are afraid of me, and I'm not afraid of them.

Abed:She's experiencing a mixture of rejection and relief, with a subtle undercurrent of arousal from the leather.

Dean Pelton:Look, I'm not saying these relationships are real, but they're not NOT real. They exist in a space between reality and... Dean-ality.

Dean Pelton:Besides, I may have altered some transcripts to make sure my imaginary girlfriend meets the prerequisite requirements for advanced courses. It's called love, people.

Chang:I didn't cheat on that law school exam. I used magic.

Pierce:Magic? Chang, that's impossible.

Chang:And that's why a magician never reveals his secrets.

Jeff:I'm not studying Blade because he's black. I'm studying Blade because he's a master of multiple fighting disciplines, he has impeccable fashion sense, and he's a daywalker. Those are universal themes that transcend race.

Pierce:So how do we make sure we don't end up fighting like this?

Chang:We just need to be honest with each other. No secrets, no passive-aggressive comments.

Pierce:You're right. Like when you borrowed my stapler and never gave it back?

Chang:I gave it back! And it's not even a big deal!

Pierce:Not a big deal? It had my name on it!

Chang:Oh, so NOW we're talking about the stapler? This is exactly what I was worried about!

Pierce:Well maybe if you hadn't brought up 'no secrets,' I wouldn't have mentioned it!

Jeff:Blade, come on. I spent good money on this. You have to tell me your secret.

Blade:I don't owe you anything, Winger.

Jeff:Please. Please. I'm begging you. Just tell me. What is it? How do you do it?

Jeff:I need to know. I NEED to know!

Dean Pelton:I've been thinking about this moment for weeks.

Troy:Really? Because it seems like you've been thinking about it for about five seconds.

Dean Pelton:Well, yes, but those were very intense seconds.

Annie:You switched the phone numbers on us?

Britta:Well, you switched them first!

Jeff:Blade is brain damaged.

Shirley:Jeff, that's a terrible thing to say!

Jeff:No, I mean literally. He has brain damage. Look at the medical report.

Jeff:Okay, so Blade's got this mysterious confidence, right? Turns out when he was seven, he got his head stuck in a funnel cake machine at the county fair. They had to shut down the whole ride to get him out. He was in there for like forty minutes.

Jeff:When they finally got him out, the doctors said he had some swelling, but he'd be fine. Except... he wasn't fine. He came out of that funnel cake machine with this weird, unshakeable confidence. Like the machine had rewired his brain to believe he was invincible.

Jeff:So that's why Blade does crazy stuff and never doubts himself. Carnival funnel cake machine brain damage. It's actually beautiful in a way.

Jeff:Look, Britta, relationships are like a class you're taking. You show up, you do the work, and sometimes you realize you're not actually enrolled and you've been sitting in the wrong room for three weeks.

Britta:That's... actually kind of wise?

Jeff:I know, right? I'm basically a therapist. That'll be $200 an hour.

Abed:You know what I've noticed about apartment buildings? They're designed by people who have never actually lived in them. Like, why is the thermostat always in the worst possible location?

Abed:Mine's right next to the front door, so every time someone leaves, the temperature drops twenty degrees and the system kicks in. I'm basically paying to air-condition the hallway.

Abed:And the walls are so thin, I can hear my neighbor's conversations. Last week I learned their entire relationship history without ever meeting them. They should really consider that as a tenant screening tool.

Abed:I've been thinking about building quirks. You know, like how every building has its own personality? This one has character flaws.

Troy:Yes! Exactly! It's like the air conditioning—

Abed:The air conditioning works exactly how it's supposed to, which is never.

Troy:That's what I was gonna say!

Abed:I'm in my imaginary room right now, completely isolated from the world. Nothing can touch me here.

Abed:Wait... is this bathroom... real?

Abed:You brush your teeth like you're doing physical comedy.

Troy:I do!