Basic Lupine Urology

Narrator:In the criminal justice system, community-based offenses are considered especially heinous. At Greendale Community College, the students who commit these offenses are sent to a special imaginary unit known as the Campus Police. These are their stories.

Narrator:Greendale Community College: where the goofballs and eggheads collide in a deadly mix of ignorance and haughty resentment.

Jeff:Look, I'm not proud of it, but every time I go to the dentist, I flirt with the hygienist. It's just my thing.

Jeff:She leans in close, her hands are in my mouth, she tells me I need to floss more... it's basically foreplay.

Abed:Nothing to see here.

Troy:For once, there literally is nothing interesting.

Annie:A C? A C?! That's like... that's like getting pregnant as a teenager!

Annie:Nobody plans for it, everybody judges you, and you're stuck with it for the rest of your life!

Professor Kane:This whole murder investigation is a distraction from what really matters - my stories.

Professor Kane:Now if you'll excuse me, I have a very important episode of 'Cops and Donuts' to watch.

Annie:Alright people, listen up. We've got a case to crack and I'm taking point on this investigation.

Annie:We're going to need to shake down some witnesses, play good cop bad cop, and get down to brass tacks.

Annie:This perp isn't going to know what hit 'em. We're going full detective mode.

Jeff:Annie, we're looking for who ate the last donut in the study room.

Troy:We got a yam case. It's cold. Real cold.

Abed:The dame at the farmer's market said it came in Tuesday. But nobody's seen it since.

Troy:In this business, yams don't just disappear. They get disappeared.

Abed:We're gonna need to go deeper. Much deeper.

Troy:I've worked homicide. I've worked vice. But I've never seen anything like this yam case.

Troy:This assignment is a hot potato we need to handle with kid gloves.

Abed:So we're juggling potatoes while wearing mittens?

Troy:No, it's just a metaphor—

Abed:Because I can't feel anything through these gloves. The potato is already cold.

Abed:You're giving me the cold shoulder.

Jeff:I'm not giving you anything.

Abed:You're freezing me out.

Jeff:Abed—

Abed:You've murdered me. You've murdered me dead.

Troy:We're done here.

Abed:We're done here.

Troy:You can't just say the same thing I said.

Abed:Why not? Cop shows do it all the time. Two characters say the exact same line for dramatic effect.

Troy:That's... actually a fair point.

Pierce:I'll give you 3-to-1 odds the culprit is whoever looks the most suspicious.

Pierce:And by suspicious, I mean different from me.

Pierce:I didn't mean it like that. I'd say the odds of me being racist are like one in a thousand.

Pierce:Okay, fine. One in five hundred.

Pierce:I am Pierce Hawthorne, and I have come to destroy you all!

Pierce:I was late because I was napping in a sunbeam on my windowsill.

Pierce:What? Don't you people nap in sunbeams?

Troy:No, no, it's real. Pierce told us about it. It happened.

Troy:He's adorable.

Pierce:Well, obviously, it's the study group's enemies. Or as I like to call them, the 'haters-and-doubters-inium.' It's a word I just made up. Sounds profound, doesn't it?

Troy:What happened to your face?

Todd:Oh, I cut myself shaving.

Troy:That's a pretty bad cut. Were you using a razor or Oscar Wilde's sharp wit?

Abed:What kind of muffin was it?

Troy:Listen, in this town, trust is like a house of cards built on a foundation of sand during an earthquake.

Troy:And I'm the only one who can read the map that doesn't exist.

Abed:I'll enhance this photo for the investigation.

Abed:There. I've made it sepia tone.

Abed:That should help.

Britta:What's 2 plus 2?

Britta:5.

Britta:What? I'm great at other things! I'm an excellent dancer and I'm really good at psychology.

Garrett:So who checked out the key?

Magnitude:Pop pop!

Magnitude:Pop pop!

Abed:Order some ketchup.

Troy:Wait, wait — we're at a crime scene. Why would we order ketchup?

Abed:Troy, Troy, Troy. You need to take a deep breath. You're a champion. Champions don't get rattled.

Troy:I'm not rattled!

Abed:You're doing that thing where you get all high-pitched. That's what you do when you're scared. Remember when we played Paintball? You were terrified and you sounded like a dolphin.

Abed:Good cop, bad cop. Classic interrogation technique. I'll be the good cop.

Abed:Star-Burns, my friend here is going to be very hard on you, but I'm going to be nice. We're on the same team.

Star-Burns:Oh, okay. Thanks, Abed. I appreciate that.

Abed:So, you want to tell me what really happened?

Star-Burns:Yeah, sure. Whatever you need to know.

Star-Burns:Wait a second... you guys aren't real cops.

Star-Burns:Real cops don't wear matching outfits from the Gap.

Jeff:We have no authority here. We're like a government that can't pass legislation, a tree that can't photosynthesize, a Coldplay album that nobody wants to listen to.

Other:Did you just compare us to Coldplay?

Jeff:I'm trying to make a point about powerlessness. Work with me.

Star-Burns:Hey, uh, guys? I'm right here. You know that, right?

Jeff:What? Oh, Star-Burns, we weren't—

Star-Burns:No, no, I get it. You're having a secret conversation. In front of me. The guy with the star-shaped burns on his face. Subtle.

Lab Technician:No, this kind of damage could only come from repeated, deliberate trauma. It's like... it's like Josef Mengele, but for yams.

Lab Technician:It takes a very specific amount of force to damage a yam that badly. I'd estimate approximately 300 pounds of pressure concentrated on a single point.

Lab Technician:Based on the depth and pattern of the bruising, I can only conclude one thing: somebody wore a really heavy shoe.

Shirley:A love letter? That's so romantic! I'd give that an A!

Annie:We named our yam Yamanda.

Annie:You see, it's a yam... and Amanda... they rhyme.

Star-Burns:Hey Garrett, you look hungry. You want half my sandwich?

Garrett:Really? That's so nice of you!

Star-Burns:Yeah man, here take the whole thing. And my chips too.

Garrett:Wow, thank you!

Star-Burns:And my drink. And my dessert. Actually, you know what? Take my whole lunch. I'm not even hungry anymore.

Troy:Wait, so you're telling me you broke into someone's house because of a kitten?

Abed:Had to. It was stuck in the walls.

Troy:For how long?

Abed:Three weeks.

Troy:Three weeks?! Abed, that kitten is definitely dead.

Abed:I know.

Abed:Eureka!

Store Announcer:Attention shoppers, we have a blue light special on aisle seven.

Troy:You have the right to remain in the store. Anything you shoplift can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Troy:We've got a 10-31 in progress! We need to set up a perimeter, call for backup, get the—

Troy:We're gonna need to create a net, a—a dragnet, a—

Abed:Perimeter.

Troy:We're gonna need to set up a perimeter!

Star-Burns:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't call the cops!

Jeff:Star-Burns, what are you doing?

Star-Burns:Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Star-Burns:Just... just don't tell anyone!

Jeff:Star-Burns, are you trying to kiss me right now?

Star-Burns:It's a distraction technique!

Jeff:Okay, first of all, your breath smells like a bong made of pepperoni.

Star-Burns:Yeah, so I've been cooking meth in my car. It's just a hobby, you know? Like some people build model airplanes.

Star-Burns:I'll only accept immunity if you swear on a stack of comic books and pinky swear.

Jeff Winger:Star-Burns, you're facing felony charges. We need to be serious about this.

Star-Burns:Serious? Fine. Cross your heart AND hope to die, stick a needle in your eye.

Abed:Todd, we need to talk about your basket weaving.

Todd:What about it?

Abed:It's a lie. You don't actually weave baskets. You just tell people you do while you sit in the corner and practice your lying.

Todd:That's not fair.

Abed:You're right. I apologize. Basket weaving and lying are two separate hobbies, and you're equally terrible at both.

Troy:You have the right to remain silent. Oh wait, no, that's not right. Um, you have the right to talk a lot. And everything you say will be used to help you in court.

Troy:And you have the right to a lawyer, but if you can't afford one, that's cool, we'll just figure something out.

Troy:Also, would you mind coming down to the station? Only if you want to, though. No pressure.

Jeff Winger:A pinky swear is a legally binding contract.

Colonel Archwood:This is why I have no respect for the civilian legal system.

Professor Kane:You know, I spent time in both the military and prison. And I'll tell you, they're not that different.

Professor Kane:In both places, how you look is everything. It's all about appearance and credibility.

Professor Kane:In the military, you've got your uniform, your medals, your bearing. In prison, you've got your tattoos, your scars, your reputation.

Professor Kane:Either way, nobody cares what you actually know. They just care what you look like you know.

Professor Kane:I've spent my entire career fighting against the corruption of educational institutions by outside forces. When the yam case came to my desk, I had a choice: compromise my principles for personal gain, or stand firm for what's right.

Professor Kane:I chose integrity. I rejected the yam case entirely.

Professor Kane:You see, I have principles. I don't compromise them for anyone or anything.

Professor Kane:As Omar Little once said, 'You come at the king, you best not miss.' And I live by that philosophy.

Abed:Hey, hey, hey. It's okay. Just breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth.

Troy:I can't! Everything is terrible!

Abed:Troy, Troy, Troy. Look at me. You're going to be fine.

Troy:How do you know that?

Abed:Because I'm going to help you through this. Just like you helped me.

Troy:Okay. Okay. Thank you, Abed.

Troy:I'm sorry about Abed. He gets a little intense sometimes.

Abed:I'm not apologizing. And Troy, you're doing that thing where you apologize for me like I'm your emotional support animal.

Troy:See, this is what I'm talking about.

Abed:No, Troy. I'M your emotional support animal. Remember? We switched.

Colonel Archwood:Star-Burns, you're a menace! You're probably involved in identity theft, counterfeiting, and... competitive tickling!

Annie:Wait, so you're saying Todd is a hero? That's amazing! I mean, wow, a real hero in our midst.

Annie:Although, now that I think about it, didn't he also steal from the student activities fund? And didn't he start that rumor about Shirley? And isn't he currently failing Spanish?

Annie:So I guess what I'm saying is... Todd's not really a hero, is he? He's just a guy who did one good thing surrounded by a mountain of terrible decisions.

Annie:Todd has a perfect record. Not a single blemish.

Annie:Well, except for one thing that completely ruins everything.

Annie:He's terrible at saying goodbye.

Annie:Wait, wait, wait. I object to your tone. And your shoes. And the way you're breathing. Also, you're a bad person. Actually, no, I take that back. And the shoes thing. And the breathing. I withdraw all of it.

Colonel:Be quiet, Todd.

Todd:Oh yeah? Well you're a... a... SANDWICH PANTS!

Todd:Sir, I'm launching a full-scale investigation into the yam situation. I've got reconnaissance teams sweeping the perimeter, supply lines being audited, and I'm treating this like we're storming the beaches of Normandy.

Colonel:Todd, it's a yam. In the cafeteria.

Todd:With all due respect, sir, there are no small yams in the battle for truth!

Annie:You need to tell the truth, Todd. Just rip the band-aid off.

Todd:It's not that simple, Annie. This is like a military operation. I need to plan my approach, scout the terrain, establish supply lines...

Annie:Todd, that's not a metaphor for confession, that's just you avoiding it.

Todd:I'm going in at dawn.

Annie:I won! I won! I won!

Annie:Whoo! Yeah! Uh-huh! That's right!

Colonel Archwood:You better confess, Todd, or I'm calling your mother.

Colonel Archwood:Remember, son, the key to any successful operation is proper reconnaissance and tactical positioning. You need to establish dominance in the social hierarchy before engaging the target.

Todd:Um, I was just trying to ask her out.

Colonel Archwood:Exactly. First, you survey the perimeter, identify potential obstacles, and execute a coordinated strike. It's basic military strategy.

Jeff:You know what? I'm going to create my own code. It's called the 'Code of Chivalry,' and rule number one is that I get to make up all the rules as I go along.

Jeff:Rule two: all women must wear tiaras at all times. Rule three: every Friday is 'Compliment Jeff' day.

Annie:Wait, so we've been investigating this for three weeks because someone ate a yogurt from the break room fridge?

Annie:A yogurt that was already expired.

Annie:We're not very smart, are we?

Jeff:No. No, we're not.

Annie:The murder weapon was so cold, it was like the Arctic and the Sahara had a baby, and that baby was a frozen knife made of liquid nitrogen and regret.

Annie:See? My theory is working!

Annie:The evidence clearly points to...

Annie:You! It was you all along!

Jeff:Annie, that's me. I'm standing right in front of you.

Annie:Oh my God.

Neil:I have something to confess. I murdered those yams.

Neil:But that's not all. I'm in love with you.

Neil:My parents have a cabin upstate, and I've been thinking about us there, in the hot tub, and... well, my parents use that hot tub too, and they're very active people.

Neil:I sabotaged the yams. It was me. I did it because... because I wanted to prove that I could commit the perfect crime. A crime so subtle, so perfectly executed, that no one would ever suspect Neil. And I got away with it. For a while.

Neil:Treats yam murder like crime of passion

Professor Kane:After witnessing that elaborate yam murder case, I've decided to switch to a simpler biology project.

Jeff:Hello? Yeah, this is he. What? Star-Burns? A meth lab explosion? ...Okay. Yeah, I'll let everyone know.

Dean Pelton:Yes, hello? I'm calling about Star-Burns... Yes, I'm afraid there's been an incident. His meth lab exploded. Yes. Well, he's dead. Quite dead, actually. The meth lab in his car. Yes. Very tragic. Will there be anything else? No? Okay, goodbye.

Troy:Why don't we ever do what sitcom characters do in bunk beds?

Abed:What do you mean?

Troy:You know, have a deep conversation about our feelings, or one of us falls out and we laugh about it.

Abed:Because we're not in a sitcom, Troy.

Troy:But we're literally in a sitcom.

Abed:It's from the nautical term 'bunk,' which means a narrow bed on a ship. When you stack two of them, it's called a 'bunk bed.'

Troy:When is your apartment going to be ready?

Abed:Oh, it's been ready for three weeks.

Troy:What? Then why are you still here?

Abed:Because you guys are my family, and I didn't want to leave.

Troy:Goodnight, Abed.

Abed:Goodnight, Troy.

Troy and Abed:Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite...

Troy and Abed:There's someone watching in the shadows of your room...

Dean Pelton:Sleep well, you two.

Troy:Sweet dreams are made of cheese!

Troy:Wait, is that... did that work?