The First Chang Dynasty

Dean Pelton:It's not 'doppel-deaner,' it's 'deanel-ganger.'

Jeff Winger:We need to find a replacement for the Dean.

Britta Perry:What about that guy who looks exactly like him?

Abed Nadir:You mean his doppelgänger?

Troy Barnes:I think you mean his Dean-gänger.

Jeff Winger:Actually, officer, I'd like to point out several legal technicalities that make this arrest invalid.

Unknown character:Delayed appreciation for the wordplay

Chang:I have a very rare condition called Throne Dependency Syndrome. My vertebrae are shaped like a throne. It's a real medical emergency.

Chang:You're all fired. Budget cuts. Effective immediately.

Aide:Sir, we saved you $40,000.

Chang:Well, rehire everyone except Kevin. Kevin's expensive.

Jeff Winger:Chang, this is ridiculous. You can't just throw a party in the study room without—

Chang:But Jeff, I hired a DJ!

Jeff Winger:I don't care about your DJ, this is completely inappropriate and— wait, did you say a DJ?

Chang:And he does laser light shows.

Jeff Winger:...Laser light shows? When does this start?

AC Repair Guy:They're watching you. Surveillance cameras everywhere. Your phone, your emails, your location data. It's a massive network of constant monitoring.

AC Repair Guy:Also, I noticed you had a tuna sandwich for lunch yesterday. You should probably switch it up.

AC Repair Guy:Yeah, I know Joshua. He's got a face like a melted candle, a voice like a dying walrus, and he smells like a dumpster behind a fish market that's also on fire. I hate him so much.

AC Repair Guy:He's like a fungus on a moist shower curtain.

AC Repair guy:You know, everybody deserves a second chance. Even the President. Even Troy.

Jeff Winger:I'm not worried about prison. I'll be fine.

Jeff Winger:I'm charming, I'm good-looking, I can talk my way out of anything.

Britta Perry:Yeah, that's exactly why you'd get murdered in prison.

Pierce:I want to do my swami act.

Jeff:We're not including you in the plan.

Pierce:What? Why not?

Jeff:Because the plan requires competence.

Chang:Oh my god, a bathroom organizer? This is the best gift I've ever received!

Chang:Look at all these compartments! Finally, a place for everything!

Chang:I'm 25 years old.

Troy:Why am I a pinecone?

Abed:I ran out of supplies.

Troy:But look at the detail on the rest of this. This is incredible work.

Unknown character:I got like a thousand Facebook friend requests after that video went viral. People I haven't talked to since high school are suddenly sliding into my DMs.

Unknown character:It's like everyone's become a Facebook stalker. Deep dish, if you know what I mean.

Unknown character in plumber disguise:Yeah, I'm gonna need to see the pipes. My wife, she don't understand pipes. I say 'honey, pipes is pipes,' she says 'no they ain't.' I say 'yes they are,' she says 'no they ain't.' We been married thirty years, she still don't get pipes.

Annie:I manipulated a child online.

Dean Pelton:My wife, she don't understand me. She thinks I spend too much time with my tools.

Dean Pelton:I've been catfishing Joshua online. I told him I was a woman named Brenda who loves spreadsheets and efficient filing systems.

Jeff:Dean, that's... wait, that actually worked?

Dean Pelton:He's been messaging me for weeks. Last night he sent me a photo of his perfectly organized closet arranged by color and thread count.

Pierce:Okay, okay, that wasn't racist. But this is...

Magician:I need a volunteer from the audience.

Chang:I'll do it!

Magician:Great! Now, I'm going to make you disappear.

Chang:If you don't make me reappear, I will hunt you down and kill you.

Chang:Wait, wait, wait. I'm in too!

Britta:Chang, you weren't even here.

Chang:I know, but I heard you guys say 'I'm in' and I want a moment!

Ricky Nightshade:Your card was the five of diamonds, correct?

Chang:I have no idea. I wasn't paying attention.

Ricky Nightshade:You... you picked the card.

Chang:Yeah, but I wasn't listening when you told me to remember it.

Pierce:No, no, you must be mistaken. I am Swami Bangalore, spiritual guide from the Eastern lands.

Other Character:Pierce? Is that you?

Pierce:Namaste, my friend. I know not this Pierce you speak of. I am a man of great spiritual wisdom and mystical powers.

Pierce:See? I do the ancient dance of the Himalayas.

Guard:We have a Code Cinderella. The Dean has left the building.

Radio Dispatcher:Copy that. Be on the lookout for Code Sleeping Beauty.

Guard:Why are we using fairy tale code names?

Radio Dispatcher:Dean's orders. He said it would make surveillance more whimsical.

Fake Plumber:Yeah, my wife's been complaining about the pipes all week.

Guard:That's rough.

Fake Plumber:Tell me about it. She says they're making this weird noise. But you know what? I got her some new cleaning supplies from Home Depot, and she hasn't mentioned the pipes since.

Guard:Home Depot?

Fake Plumber:Best prices in town. Great customer service too.

Abed:Oof baboof! Oof baboof!

Abed:I need plumber's acid!

Chang:Oh, that's right. Slow clap. Very good. You got away. Congratulations.

Pierce:We pulled off the heist flawlessly. The Dean is safe.

Dean Pelton:Pierce, what are you doing? You're supposed to be dead!

Pierce:Well, I was, but then I realized—

Jeff:Okay, I may have underestimated the situation. By which I mean, I completely botched this and we're all going to die.

Jeff:Shirley? How did you get here?

Shirley:I don't know, I just appeared!

Britta:But you weren't with us when they captured us.

Abed:This defies all narrative logic.

Troy:Shirley, you're like a magic trick nobody asked for.

Chang:Fire cannot spread if you remove all the oxygen from a room. I have simply sealed the vents and lit a small contained fire to consume all the oxygen. Once the oxygen is gone, the fire will die, and the school will be safe.

Jeff:That's not how fire works.

Chang:You're thinking of wind, Jeffrey.

Chang:You know, when I was growing up in Korea, we didn't have much. But my parents always said, 'Ben, you can be anything you want to be.' And I believed them. Even when times got tough. Even when we had to... make difficult choices about food.

Chang:One, two, Chang!

Dean Pelton:I've been really getting into the rave scene. I rent out my warehouse for electronic music events.

Dean Pelton:We've got dubstep nights, house music, drum and bass... I'm very familiar with all the genres.

Dean Pelton:In fact, I consider myself quite the connoisseur of... the drops.

Jeff:What are you doing?

Britta:I'm fighting!

Troy:That's not fighting, that's just flailing!

Abed:Actually, the Foley work suggests a more sophisticated choreography.

Pierce:I think someone just kicked me in the face.

Shirley:Dear Lord, this is madness!

Annie:Everyone stop! You're doing it all wrong!

Fake Dean:You know, this is just like that song. It's hard out here for a pimp.

Chang:I'm here to ex-Chang the situation with the school board.

Fake Dean:Wait, wait, wait. Before you take me away, I need to know one thing.

Fake Dean:Am I going to be compensated for this?

Pierce:Well, I've been thinking about what went wrong here...

Pierce:And I think the answer is pretty simple. I've been drunk the entire time.

Dean Pelton:We need to take responsibility for our actions and stand together as a community.

Group:Awww.

Pierce:Troy, let me give you some advice. When you're with a woman, you want to make sure she knows you're in charge. Dominate her with your presence. And if she says no, well, that just means she hasn't heard your best material yet.

Pierce:That's great advice, isn't it?

Jeff:No, Pierce, that's terrible advice.

Pierce:You gotta assert dominance, Troy. Show her who's boss.

Jeff:No, that's terrible advice. Just be honest and respectful.

Abed:I made you something. It's a video compilation of all our moments together.

Jeff:Abed, that's... actually really sweet.

Abed:I also included footage from the security cameras when you didn't know I was filming.

Jeff:Okay, that's creepy.

Abed:I said, 'I'm not crying, you're crying.' It's a classic.