Digital Estate Planning

Pierce:I brought my seven closest friends to meet the executor requirements.

Jeff:Pierce, there are only six people here.

Pierce:I know. I'm counting myself.

Pierce:I could've brought anyone. I had Ryan Gosling on my maybe list.

Gilbert:I'm not a puppet on a string. I control my own destiny.

Pierce:That's what I thought too, until I realized I was just a marionette with salt and pepperies.

Gilbert:Your father and I had a very special relationship.

Pierce:Okay...

Gilbert:We met at a bathhouse.

Pierce:Oh.

Gilbert:He taught me everything I know.

Pierce:Right.

Gilbert:We were very close. In every sense of the word.

Pierce:...This is weird.

Pierce:My father left me a video game? What is this, some kind of joke?

Pierce:That diabolical old fossil! He's making me work for my inheritance from beyond the grave!

Gilbert:Your father spent 30 years developing a video game.

Jeff:Wait, if he spent 30 years on it, and he's only 60 now, he would have started when he was 30.

Pierce:My father is 87.

Jeff:Right, so he started when he was 57.

Pierce:No, that's... that math doesn't work out.

Pierce:Wait, you need my likeness? Nobody told me to bring that. I thought this was just a photo shoot.

Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool.

Troy:Wow, okay, so this one's a... a beautiful diverse group of people. Very colorful. I'm not saying that because they're not white, I'm saying that because there are literally lots of colors.

Troy:And this one is a strong, capable woman. Not because she's a woman, but because she looks very... capable. Of womanly things.

Britta:Wait, so you take a photo of yourself, and then the avatar looks nothing like you? That doesn't make any sense. Isn't the whole point of taking a photo so it WILL look like you?

Jeff:Yeah, well, welcome to the internet, Britta.

Britta:I mean, my avatar doesn't even look like me. The nose is completely wrong.

Annie:Yeah, totally. Mine's way too thin though. Like, I don't have cheekbones that defined.

Abed:This is a hippie NPC with only three dialogue options.

Hippie NPC:Hey man, far out.

Troy:What if we ask him about the crystal?

Hippie NPC:Hey man, far out.

Britta:He's just repeating the same line.

Abed:Classic limited NPC dialogue tree. His other options are probably 'Far out, man' and 'Peace, brother.'

Annie:Aww, look at the little guy!

Jeff:Annie, it's a UI element.

Annie:Aww!

Jeff:It's literally just a button.

Hippie NPC:Peace. Love.

Hippie NPC:And also, I'm going to steal your car and sell your organs on the black market.

Jeff:I just committed murder in a video game.

Annie:That was my character!

Jeff:It's not real, Annie.

Annie:You killed me!

Jeff:Virtually.

Jeff:I didn't murder Annie, I just... aggressively disagreed with her continued existence.

Jeff:Murder is better than doing nothing.

Britta:That's insane, Jeff.

Jeff:Is it though?

Annie:Yes. Objectively, yes.

Unknown:Jeff murdered Annie! Someone help!

Hippie NPC:Yeah man, like, Jeff's really good at 'helping' people.

Pierce:Why does a blanket fort have a dungeon master?

Pierce:Well, I'd rather not get into the specifics, but let's just say there was an incident involving a golf cart, some confusion about the rules, and a surprising amount of regret.

Pierce:Right? RIGHT?! I've been pointing right the whole time!

Pierce:These controls are not intuitive, they're counter-intuitive!

Sarcastic callback to the failed strategy

Jeff:Fine. You're right. The moist towelettes were a good call.

Cornelius:I know they were.

Cornelius:I appreciate you all coming to mourn the passing of my son, Pierce Hawthorne. He was a man of many talents, though most of them involved being offensive and outdated.

Cornelius:You there, the dark fellow — you're looking well-groomed for one of your... people.

Cornelius:And you, the Oriental gentleman, I trust you've been eating plenty of... rice?

Cornelius:The young lady in the short skirt — very progressive of you. My generation simply called that 'asking for it.'

Cornelius:You people are all sluts and degenerates!

Jeff:Okay, first of all, we're not 'you people' — I'm a lawyer.

Pierce:My father made me compete with my friends for my inheritance? That's not a competition, that's a betrayal! I'm Pierce Hawthorne. I don't compete with friends. I WIN against them.

Jeff:We're not going to fight Pierce for the inheritance. It's not worth it.

Jeff:The guy can't even win at Pac-Man. Look at him.

Pierce:I'm doing great!

Jeff:You just ran into a wall.

Pierce:Wait, isn't that... no, that can't be right. Gilbert's got that black guy avatar thing going on. I thought he was into, you know, the Wesley Snipes thing.

Pierce:Why won't you guys fight me for the inheritance?

Jeff:Because we're your friends, Pierce.

Jeff:Gilbert, you've been really hard on Pierce. He's sensitive.

Gilbert:Sensitive? The man's a dinosaur.

Jeff:Yeah, well, you're one to talk. You're like... Andy Griffith.

Jeff:Alright, let's go confront Gilbert. On three. One... two...

Group:THREE! You're a cad! A bounder! A scoundrel!

Jeff:Wait, this note is threatening, but... did you see this font? It's Comic Sans.

Britta:Jeff, focus on the threat.

Jeff:I am focused. Whoever wrote this also figured out how to make letters shake. That's actually impressive.

Troy:Pierce, man, I know things have been rough. But you're not alone in this.

Pierce:Thanks, Troy. I... I appreciate that.

Abed:If this were a video game, Troy would put his hand on your shoulder now and you'd get the 'Emotional Support' achievement.

Troy:Abed, what are you—

Abed:But in real life, I've calculated the appropriate distance for human comfort is 18 inches, and Troy is currently at 14. So he can't move without triggering a collision detection error in my social interaction algorithm.

Troy:There's no collision detection in real life.

Abed:There is for me.

Jeff Winger:Look, I'm not going to stand here and tell you that you're not going to die. Because you are. We all are. But that doesn't mean you have to do it today.

Britta Perry:Wow, that was really inspiring, Jeff. I'm going to go live my life to the fullest now.

Jeff Winger:Great.

Abed Nadir:Unless dying is a lifestyle choice you're really committed to.

Jeff:Look, I know what you're thinking. 'Jeff, how do you always know exactly what to say?' The answer is simple: I don't. I just string together whatever clichéd motivational phrases I've heard in movies, add some hand gestures, and boom—instant wisdom. The power of friendship? That's not real. That's what we tell people when we've run out of actual solutions. But you know what? It works. Because deep down, everyone wants to believe in something, even if that something is complete nonsense dressed up in a nice suit and a confident smile.

Troy:I'll go talk to her.

Pierce:She's gonna reject you.

Jeff:What is this white crystal?

Pierce:It's from my father's old text adventure game. He was really into that stuff.

Britta:A white crystal? In a game from the '70s?

Pierce:What? It was just a quest item!

Troy:Dude, I think your dad might have been making a joke.

Pierce:What kind of joke?

Abed:The kind about cocaine.

Pierce:Wait, so my dad wasn't just collecting decorative minerals?

Troy:My mom was right. She said if I was good at something, I should stick with it.

Annie:I'm just going to borrow this torch for a second.

Merchant:You're a thief!

Game:*WANTED: ANNIE - REWARD 50 GOLD*

Shirley:I'm showing mercy. This poor creature is suffering.

Shirley:You shot it!

Troy:We need to find a way to go back in time and stop this from happening.

Abed:We could use the blanket fort's time machine.

Jeff:That's not real, Abed.

Britta:Wait, how are we even supposed to go back to a time period we don't know about?

Annie:We need something from that era. Something anachronistic that will help us blend in.

Pierce:I've got it! A Pong paddle!

Shirley:Pierce, Pong wasn't invented until the 1970s.

Pierce:So? We're time travelers. We can find one anywhere.

Jeff:Stop playing like a girl.

Britta:Excuse me? That is a deeply problematic statement that reinforces harmful gender stereotypes. Women are just as capable as men in any physical endeavor. This kind of casual sexism is exactly why we need to deconstruct the patriarchal power structures that have marginalized female bodies for centuries. Maybe if you spent less time perpetuating toxic masculinity and more time exploring your inner chakras and reconnecting with your divine feminine energy, you'd understand that gender is just a social construct designed to control us.

Shirley:I don't think we should be playing these violent video games. It's not Christian.

Jeff:Shirley, come on. It's just a game.

Shirley:Well, I'm not going to—

Shirley:Oh my God, I got a triple kill! Did you see that?! Get out of my way!

Jeff:Okay, we need to come up with a story. We were never here.

Britta:We should say we were at the library studying.

Troy:What if we blame it on a glitch?

Abed:That won't work. We need to establish alibis. I suggest we coordinate our stories down to the minute.

Shirley:This is insane. It's just a video game!

Jeff:Shirley's right. We're way overthinking this. Nobody even knows about it.

Pierce:Too late. I already posted about it on the forums.

Troy:This is the most fun I've had all week!

Annie:I'm not very good at poker.

Abed:I think I'm developing feelings for her.

Troy:Abed, she's code.

Abed:I know.

Troy:You're in love with code.

Troy:Wait, what did you say to Hilda?

Abed:I explained to her that she's exhibiting classic NPC dialogue trees. Limited conversational pathways, repetitive responses to similar stimuli, and a complete lack of agency outside her programmed parameters.

Troy:You called her a robot?

Abed:Non-Player Character. It's different. She's not mechanical, she's just operating within a predetermined narrative structure with no awareness of the larger game world around her.

Jeff:Abed, you seem really comfortable here. What's going on?

Abed:I grew up in a basement.

Jeff:Well, this is an upgrade. At least there's a window.

Abed:So after her parents died, Hilda had to take over the farm and raise her sister alone in a medieval Scandinavian setting.

Abed:Which means she'd realistically be married off to a neighboring landowner within months to secure political alliances and ensure the family's survival.

Abed:She wouldn't actually get to be an independent adventurer. She'd be a chattel asset in a dynastic negotiation.

Dungeon Master:Britta, you need to drink the potion to regain your health.

Britta:Okay, okay, I'm drinking it.

Dungeon Master:You... you're pouring it on yourself.

Britta:It's a potion, it works however!

Jeff:Britta, you have to drink it.

Britta:I am drinking it!

Dungeon Master:You're licking your own elbow.

Troy:Wait, Britta's making the drinks?

Abed:Yeah, why?

Troy:Have you seen her try to drink before? She's terrible at it.

Jeff:Actually, that might work in our favor this time.

Britta:What does that mean?

Shirley:It means whatever you make will probably be so bad, nobody will actually drink it.

Annie:Wait, everyone's okay? That's great! But... how much did I lose on the poker game?

Abed:I'm basically an artificial intelligence. I process the world through pop culture and media references, I have trouble with human emotion and social interaction, and I'm trapped in a body that doesn't feel like it's entirely mine. So yeah, Hilda and I have a lot in common.

Abed:You all think I'm just some weird guy who watches TV and makes pop culture references, but I'm not trying to be annoying. I'm trying to connect with you the only way I know how.

Jeff:Abed, that's a beautiful speech. Very genuine.

Abed:I know. I got it from a movie.

Britta:This is offensive! This game has racist stereotypes and we shouldn't be playing it.

Jeff:Oh come on, Britta, it's just a game. You're being too sensitive.

Britta:No, I'm right about this. It's actually problematic and—

Jeff:And yet somehow you're still wrong. That's your superpower.

Pierce:I earned this white crystal fair and square.

Jeff:How did you earn it?

Pierce:I bought it.

Jeff:Dude, you can't just use the infinite lives cheat code like that.

Gilbert:What? Why not?

Jeff:Because you have to enter it during the loading screen, not mid-game. You're doing it wrong.

Pierce:What I meant to say was, you don't look like you could be my brother because you're way too cool.

Jeff:Okay, listen up. We just respawned. That's not a setback, that's a heroic transformation. We're like phoenixes rising from the ashes, except we're still us, just slightly more experienced and noticeably angrier.

Abed:She's programmed with over 300 different responses.

Jeff:Yeah, that's... that's still fewer than an actual girlfriend.

Abed:Well, yeah, but those are all useful.

Abed:I've created a virtual family. This is my wife, these are my children. They have inherited traits based on their parents' code.

Jeff:Abed, those are just pixels.

Abed:They're real to me, Jeff. And they're very well-adjusted.

Cornelius:Welcome back, Gilbert. I have prepared a contract for your review.

Cornelius:Please note sections 3 through 7 contain standard terms regarding your employment classification and compensation structure.

Baby Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool.

Baby Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool.

Baby Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool.

Troy:You know what we need? Our friendship song!

Abed:Troy and Abed in the moooorning!

Troy:No wait, like the combat version.

Both:Troy and Abed, fighting bad guys in the morning!

Abed:Nights!

Both:Troy and Abed, fighting bad guys!

Cornelius:I'm letting you win because I want to give you all a gift.

Cornelius:The gift of my death.

Pierce:Gilbert deserves the inheritance more because he actually knew our father. I mean, really knew him. And by 'knew him,' I mean he experienced firsthand Dad's special brand of casual cruelty.

Pierce:Like the time Dad told me my comic book collection was 'a waste of a man's potential' and then used one of my rare first editions to level a wobbly table at Thanksgiving.

Pierce:I always carry a spare. You never know when you'll need to give one to a Gilbert.

Gilbert:Let me make it up to you. First round's on me. I'm thinking we get you one of those crazy novelty drinks - you know, the kind with the sparklers and the dry ice and like seventeen different liqueurs all layered in a glass the size of a fishbowl, with a tiny umbrella and a gummy bear on top that's been infused with artisanal bitters.

Pierce:So you're my half-brother. This is amazing! We should bond. We should do brother things together.

Pierce:Hey, quick question though — is it okay if I call you the N-word?

Abed:We need to be more supportive of our virtual baby.

Hilda:You're right. I've been neglecting it.

Abed:Well, look at this — the NPC just sent us a message.

NPC:Why do you never call? Your mother misses you. I gave you everything, and this is how you repay me?

Abed:It's actually pronounced 'Crell Moset.' The 'Crell' is silent.