Remedial Chaos Theory

Troy:We're moving in, yeah, yeah!

Abed:New place, new adventures!

Troy and Abed:Troy and Abed in the mooooorning!

Abed:According to this book on party hosting etiquette, you should never use outdated racist terminology.

Troy:What if you just casually mention it with a matter-of-fact explanation?

Abed:That's still racist, Troy.

Shirley:Time flies when I'm baking.

Britta:No it doesn't. You've been standing there for four hours.

Abed:Check this out. I installed a pressure-sensitive floor tile that triggers a rolling boulder mechanism.

Abed:And here's the golden idol—perfectly balanced so it triggers the trap when you remove it.

Abed:Watch this.

Abed:Adiós, mi amor.

Annie:Abed, this Boulder model is incredible! The detail work is just... I mean, wow!

Britta:Seriously, it's like you captured the exact essence of Boulder. Every rock, every shadow...

Annie:It's basically a work of art. Museum-quality. Like, I wouldn't be surprised if someone offered you money for this right now.

Abed:You guys realize you're doing that thing where you oversell something to make the person feel good, and then you immediately point it out, which somehow makes it worse?

Shirley:I made a pizza with cauliflower crust, nutritional yeast instead of cheese, and these are sun-dried tomatoes I prepared myself.

Jeff:That's great, Shirley.

Shirley:Well? Try it!

Jeff:No.

Abed:Bonjour, Jeff. Je m'appelle Abed-ieu.

Jeff:What?

Abed:It's French and Spanish combined. Like our names. Abed-ieu. Get it? A-bed and adieu.

Jeff:Wow, Abed. This is a lot of Indiana Jones stuff.

Abed:I know. I'm a fan.

Jeff:Yeah, I can see that. You know what this reminds me of? 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Virgin.'

Troy:I acknowledge receipt of your insult and have filed it away for future reference.

Jeff:Pierce, your mansion is incredible. How can you possibly complain about it?

Pierce:Jeff, it was built in 1987. That's basically a nursing home for real estate.

Pierce:Yeah, I had him erased from all my family photos. Cost me a fortune at the photo place.

Pierce:This is Serbian rakija. It's so strong, it's been banned in Serbia.

Jeff:Guys, check it out. I got invited to the most exclusive club in the city.

Abed:That's amazing, Jeff. How did you manage that?

Jeff:I know, right? I must have finally made it.

Abed:There's just one thing. That invitation? I made it. On my computer. Last night. As a prank.

Abed:The club doesn't exist. I've been planning this for three weeks.

Jeff:Wait, you're telling me I got invited to the 'Competitive Tickling and Interpretive Screaming Club'?

Jeff:Competitive... Tickling... and... Interpretive... Screaming...

Jeff:This is fake, isn't it?

Jeff:I can't believe I fell for that. A guy named 'Buddy Sparkles' sends me an invitation and I just... I never even questioned it.

Troy:So what are we doing tonight? Something awesome, right?

Abed:We're playing board games.

Troy:Board games? I thought we were going to do something cool!

Abed:Board games are cool.

Troy:Can we just go with your original plan instead?

Pierce:You know what I call Yahtzee? Dice-a-Rooney.

Abed:In an alternate timeline, you rolled a one and got no pizza. In another, you rolled a six and got all the pizza. In infinite other timelines, infinite yous are rolling infinite dice.

Jeff:Abed, I'm just trying to order lunch.

Abed:That's what they all said.

Pierce:Whoa, whoa, whoa, 'going down'? That's what she said!

Pierce:Reminds me of the time I was with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom.

Pierce:It was totally natural.

Troy:What does a pregnancy test look like?

Abed:Two pink lines.

Troy:Oh thank God, I found a gun.

Pierce:A gun? That's it? I've fought in three wars. I once took down a man with a shoe.

Troy:A man hits his head. It's funny because it hurts and he wasn't expecting it. That's physical comedy in its purest form.

Troy:Pizza, pizza, in my belly. I love pizza, it's so jelly. Pizza, pizza, on my plate. Pizza makes my taste buds celebrate!

Britta:He's cute. I wonder if he delivers more than just pizza, if you know what I mean.

Abed:I don't know what you mean. Are you implying he also delivers other food items, or are you making a sexual innuendo?

Britta:The second one.

Abed:Why would a pizza delivery person have access to other people's bodies?

Abed:What if we're not in the prime timeline? What if there's another version of us somewhere making different choices right now?

Abed:In one timeline, I'm saying this. In another, I'm not. In another, I'm saying something completely different.

Jeff:Shirley, we're worried about you. This baking thing has gotten out of hand.

Britta:Yeah, you're baking at all hours. It's like a compulsion.

Shirley:It is NOT a compulsion! I just love baking!

Abed:You've baked 47 casseroles this week. That's a compulsion.

Shirley:Well maybe I'm just passionate!

Pierce:Honey, I've seen addiction. My first three marriages were addictions. This is addiction.

Pierce:That reminds me of the time I met Eartha Kitt in the bathroom of a department store.

Pierce:What? I was just trying to be helpful!

Pierce:I got you something special, Troy. A troll doll. I remember you mentioning how much you loved them.

Troy:Pierce, no. No, no, no. That's not... I never said I loved trolls. I said I was terrified of them as a child!

Pierce:Well, consider this exposure therapy.

Troy:That's not how exposure therapy works! And that thing... look at its eyes. It's staring into my soul. This is exactly like the one from my neighbor's house. The one that gave me nightmares for three years.

Shirley:My pies! They're ruined!

Jeff:Shirley, baking isn't a personality.

Shirley:You know what? I am a baker. A real baker. And you people are just sexually frustrated children who can't handle a woman with actual skills and confidence.

Shirley:Nobody ever asks me out. I'm invisible to men.

Pierce:Hey, I know how you feel. Women won't even look at me anymore.

Shirley:Really?

Pierce:Yeah. I'm thinking of getting one of those vests that says 'I'm not a threat' on it.

Abed:She had a nervous break—I mean, she broke down nervously. I wasn't making a pun.

Pierce:Oh, that reminds me of the time I was with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom. I got to say 'crap' one time.

Pierce:It's where my mind went.

Other Character:Your mind is completely gone.

Britta:This is a really nice apartment, Troy. You should be so proud of yourself.

Troy:Thanks, Britta. It means a lot coming from you.

Britta:I mean, look at you, paying bills, keeping plants alive... here, you've earned this.

Troy:Is that... is that a gold star sticker?

Britta:You've been such a good boy this month!

Troy:Britta? What are you doing in here?

Britta:Nothing! I was just... washing my hands.

Troy:Your hands are dry.

Britta:I'm very efficient.

Troy:Look, I'm mature enough to handle whatever this is.

Britta:I was practicing my acceptance speech for a Peabody Award.

Troy:You were singing Beyoncé in the mirror again, weren't you?

Britta:No.

Britta:You've got your own apartment, you pay your own bills, you even have little olives in your bathroom.

Troy:Those are for my toilet.

Britta:I know what they're for, Troy. That's fancy.

Troy:Jeff, why do you need three locks on the bathroom door?

Jeff:It's called privacy, Troy. Some of us value our personal space.

Troy:Three locks? That's not privacy, that's a panic room. What are you doing in there, defusing a bomb?

Jeff:I also installed a keypad. And security cameras.

Troy:Security cameras? In the bathroom?

Jeff:Only pointing inward. For my own records.

Pierce:You know, with looks like that, you should be doing porn, not delivering pizzas.

Annie:I'm an adult. I can stab whoever I want.

Jeff:No, you can't.

Annie:Why not?

Jeff:Because I said so.

Pierce:You can't escape me, Troy! I am the master of this troll doll, and you are its prey!

Troy:Pierce, please! Just put it down!

Pierce:Never! The troll has spoken, and its hunger knows no bounds!

Britta:I went to get pizza and somehow got instantly engaged to the creepy pizza guy.

Abed:I wonder what I'm doing in other timelines. Like, in one timeline, I'm probably a really successful film director.

Britta:In another timeline, you're probably dead.

Abed:Thanks, Britta.

Britta:No, I'm serious. You should be careful. There are infinite versions of you, and statistically, most of them are probably dead.

Troy:Troy sings while Pierce is dying in the burning apartment

Pierce:Pierce makes final commentary while flames consume the room

Jeff:Wait, these taste like regular pies.

Shirley:They're mini pies, Jeff.

Jeff:I know, but they taste like full-size pies. How is that possible?

Shirley:It's the same recipe, just smaller portions.

Jeff:This is witchcraft.

Jeff:Wait, I wasn't supposed to mention the no-pie pact.

Britta:What no-pie pact?

Jeff:Okay, fine. We also agreed never to eat ice cream on Tuesdays.

Annie:Jeff, what are you doing?

Jeff:And we may have made a blood oath about pudding.

Abed:You're spiraling.

Jeff:There's also the thing about the methamphetamine lab in the study room!

Everyone:WHAT?!

Pierce:Jeff, my boy, I want to give you something special. How about a lifetime supply of turtle necks?

Pierce:No? Okay, okay, I've got it - a jet ski. A jet ski for the library.

Pierce:Still no? Fine, fine, I'm thinking bigger now. What about my collection of vintage pornographic playing cards?

Pierce:A solid gold toilet seat with your initials engraved in it?

Pierce:My old toupee collection? I've got seventeen of them, Jeff. Seventeen!

Pierce:What if I just... gave you a year's supply of expired mayonnaise? I've got it in the freezer.

Shirley:You're a drug addict, Jeff.

Jeff:I'm not a drug addict. I'm a baker. I just sold some brownies to a guy behind the library for fifty bucks.

Jeff:He said they were 'life-changing.' I'm thinking of expanding my operation.

Britta:Okay, so I'm watching you two, and Jeff, your technique is very textbook. Very... by-the-book. Annie, you're doing that thing where you're thinking too hard. I can see it happening. You're literally thinking during the kiss. Also, Jeff, your jaw is too tense. Relax your jaw.

Shirley:You know what, Pierce? You're a terrible person!

Pierce:Oh, that's rich coming from you, you sanctimonious hypocrite!

Shirley:At least I don't spend all day making racist comments and thinking I'm hilarious!

Pierce:And at least I don't hide behind religion to judge everyone while being just as awful!

Shirley:You're a fossil! A walking, talking relic from an era nobody misses!

Pierce:You're a shrill, obnoxious busybody who nobody actually likes!

Abed:I wonder what happened in the timeline where I found twenty dollars.

Troy:What? I found twenty dollars!

Abed:You can't roll the die, Jeff. Not because of the rules, but because chaos isn't something you control—it's something you accept. And right now, the only thing more chaotic than a die roll is a group of people who've learned to care about each other despite everything telling them not to. That's the real roll. That's what matters.

Abed:You know what I love about our group? We're predictable. In the best way. Jeff does something selfish, we call him out, he has a moment of growth, and we all hug it out. It's beautiful.

Jeff:Wait, what? I calculated every variable in that equation to make sure I'd come out on top.

Abed:Exactly. Predictable.

Jeff:I'm not manipulating you guys. I'm just... strategically leveraging our friendship for mutual benefit.

Jeff:And honestly, that's what friendship is about. It's like that song says: 'You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.' Classic friendship anthem.

Jeff:What's wrong with you? You're like an airplane bathroom—small, cramped, and full of crap.

Pierce:That's it! That reminds me of the time I was in an airplane bathroom with Eartha Kitt!

Jeff:This is actually pretty great, you know?

Britta:I know, right? No conflicts, no drama.

Troy:We should do this more often!

Abed:This is like a musical montage sequence.

Annie:Everyone singing together in perfect harmony!

Shirley:Hallelujah! This is what I've been praying for!

Pierce:Even I'm not ruining this with something inappropriate.

Group:*singing and dancing together*

Abed:We're like a TV show that just lost its weirdest character. Now we're just a standard ensemble drama waiting to get cancelled.

Abed:In this timeline, there was a fire in the blanket fort.

Troy:Why don't we just put it out with more fire?

Abed:That's not how fire works, Troy.

Troy:Well, I'm not a scientist!

Abed:You can't just eat a troll like that. You need to think strategically.

Troy:What are you talking about? This is exactly how you eat a troll. You go in fast, catch it off guard, and—

Abed:That's not how this works.

Troy:Look, I've done this before, okay? The key is you want to get the troll when it's vulnerable. If you hesitate, it's going to turn on you.

Abed:Our lives have gotten pretty dark.

Jeff:Yeah, I dyed my hair black.

Abed:I lost my arm.

Abed:We could become evil versions of ourselves.

Jeff:How? Evil goatees?

Abed:We'd need practical evil accessories. I'm thinking eye patches with growing instructions.

Jeff:You can't just manipulate people like that! Do you have any idea how evil that is?

Abed:Actually, it's not evil. It's morally gray.

Jeff:It's EVIL, Abed!

Abed:Evil has a specific definition. This is more of a chaotic neutral situation.

Troy:Hey Abed, you know what this calls for?

Abed:Our jingle?

Troy:Our jingle.

Troy and Abed:Troy and Abed in the moooorning! (Evil laugh) In the morning!