Advanced Introduction to Finality

Jeff:You can't threaten me with disbarment.

Mark:Oh yeah? Watch me. I'm going to get you disbarred.

Jeff:You can't disbar someone who's already disbarred.

Mark:Community college? That's not a real college.

Jeff Winger:What? Greendale is a perfectly legitimate institution.

Mark:Please. You're basically in high school with older people. Your graduation gift should be a lollipop.

Jeff:It's not a community college. It's just a college. In a community.

Mark:Whip it out.

Mark:The job offer. Let me see it.

Troy:Wait, how is it already fall semester? Didn't we just start spring?

Abed:Time moves differently at Greendale. Last year we had three summer sessions and a Deanbruary.

Troy:What's Deanbruary?

Abed:The Dean declared it a month. It was 23 days long.

Abed:I'm taking a class literally named 'Opinions.'

Abed:I plan to argue with the professor the entire semester.

Britta:There are no classes left. They've all been taken. I looked at every single offering and they're all ridiculous.

Britta:Advanced Comparative Mythology, Introduction to Felt, Post-Modern Interpretive Dance...

Britta:I mean, who needs a class called 'Intro to Senselessness'? That's just life!

Pierce:Teachers taking notes on my wisdoms during yoga

Dean Pelton:Jeff, I want to congratulate you on your hard work this semester. You've really applied yourself.

Jeff Winger:Thanks Dean. I've been trying to strike a balance.

Dean Pelton:Well, it shows. Although I have to say, the irony is that you're working so hard to get out of work. It's quite the paradox, really.

Annie:What did you major in?

Jeff:Education.

Annie:Education? That's the most meta choice possible.

Jeff:Pierce's been here so long, the credits have evolved into 'grand-credits,' like they're the grandchildren of regular credits.

Annie:I've been dreaming about my graduation ceremony since I was a little girl. The cap, the gown, walking across the stage...

Jeff:Yeah, well, at a community college, graduation is just us standing in a parking lot while someone reads names off a clipboard, and half the people don't show up because they're working their second job.

Jeff:We're graduating from community college. It's the saddest thing that's ever happened to me, and I once watched a guy throw up into his own hat.

Jeff:But you know what? Maybe that's the point. Maybe community college isn't about the destination. Maybe it's about the friends we made along the way who will soon scatter to the winds like leaves, never to speak to each other again.

Jeff:So let's celebrate this meaningless achievement by taking a meaningless group photo that we'll pretend to care about for exactly two weeks before deleting it to make room for pictures of our cats.

Dean Pelton:I'll keep it tight and short.

Annie Edison:That's what she said... about you.

Dean Pelton:All of this paperwork is absolutely necessary.

Jeff:What's this one?

Dean Pelton:Pants measurements.

Dean Pelton:You know, Jeff, I've always felt a special connection between us. Something... deeper than just dean and student.

Jeff Winger:Dean, what are you—

Dean Pelton:Let me finish. I think what we have is rare. Precious. The kind of bond that makes people talk.

Jeff Winger:Talk about what?

Dean Pelton:Well, you know. The subtext. The longing glances. The way I comment on your appearance constantly while maintaining plausible deniability about my intentions.

Jeff Winger:So you're just... acknowledging it?

Dean Pelton:I'm acknowledging that we're both aware that everyone else is aware. It's all very meta.

Dean Pelton:Alright Jeff, just sign right here on the dotted line.

Jeff Winger:Sure thing, Dean.

Dean Pelton:Perfect. Now we'll have your John Hancock right next to my Pelton.

Dean:I'd like to invite you all to celebrate the graduation of the Class of 2015. Black tie optional. Open bar. Sit-down dinner. Valet parking.

Annie:Dean, it's just graduation.

Dean:I know what it is, Annie. It's the most important day of their lives. We're doing this right.

Annie:Dean, isn't it a little early to be thinking about weddings?

Dean:Annie, I've had this book since orientation.

Britta:Remember when you were obsessed with that whole darkest timeline thing? Like, we all got evil goatees and everything?

Abed:That wasn't an obsession, Britta. That was a documentary of alternate realities.

Britta:Abed, you made us all act out different versions of ourselves. Evil versions. With facial hair.

Abed:The goatees were a visual metaphor for moral corruption.

Britta:You had us roll dice to determine our fates. Evil Jeff tried to kill us all.

Abed:That's the point. In the darkest timeline, everything goes wrong.

Britta:We're living in it right now, and you're the reason why.

Pierce:Wait, so you guys made plans without me?

Troy:Well, yeah, but it's not a big deal.

Pierce:Not a big deal? I'm not even the primary person you're excluding!

Troy:I drank it all.

Jeff:We need to decide who brings the soda.

Jeff:How about we use the dice that caused the darkest timeline?

Pierce:Do you know what you're asking me to do? You're asking me to walk all the way to the vending machine. That's at least... twelve, fifteen feet.

Pierce:I'll do it. I'll make the journey. But I want you to know that I'm doing this for you, and I expect to be remembered as a hero.

Pierce:If I don't make it back, tell my story. Tell them Pierce Hawthorne gave his life... for a Fanta.

Dean Pelton:Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean...

Dean Pelton:No, no, no, no, no. Catherine, please tell me that's not a cake.

Catherine:It's a cake.

Dean Pelton:Oh God. Oh God, no. Do you know what happens when you bring a cake into the administrative offices? Ants. Thousands of them. Carpenter ants the size of my thumb. They'll swarm the desk, they'll get into the filing system, they'll nest in my blazer—I'll have to burn it. I love this blazer.

Evil Annie:You know, I believe in you. You're capable of so much more than you think. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're smart, you're talented, and you deserve to succeed.

Evil Abed:We will systematically dismantle his sense of self-worth through a carefully orchestrated campaign of psychological manipulation, social isolation, and strategic humiliation. We'll turn his greatest strengths into weaknesses, make his friends question his loyalty, and ensure that every mirror he looks into reflects back the hollow, narcissistic shell of a man he truly is. By the time we're done, he won't just leave Greendale—he'll leave questioning whether he ever truly existed at all.

Evil Abed:Is the plan hard to understand?

Evil Troy:No, I just... I kind of enjoy being condescended to.

Evil Annie:You know what? I'm tired of all this emotional stuff. Let's just skip to the part where we have sex.

Chang:Nice.

Chang:Keep it up.

Abed:You're Evil Jeff.

Evil Jeff:How did you know?

Abed:Your arm makes a loud noise when you move it.

Abed:Is that a paintball gun?

Evil Jeff:Paintball? No. This is much worse.

Abed:Cool. Cool cool cool.

Abed:Cold. Cold cold cold.

Evil Jeff:Well, well, well. If it isn't the Dean. You know, I'd say it's nice to see you, but we both know I'm incapable of genuine human emotion, you monkey.

Jeff:Wait... are we... are we in a bottle episode?

Troy:I'm calling it the 'Troy-angles' — it's a sandwich made with three types of cheese, a handful of bacon, some kind of meat I can't identify, pickles, and a single, solitary grape.

Troy:I'm gonna call it the Ricktastrophe.

Evil Jeff:That's a great name, but here's the thing — nobody knows who Rick is.

Troy:It's just a name!

Evil Jeff:Yeah, but when you order it, you have to explain it every single time.

Abed:In the evil timeline, The Cape wasn't cancelled and is good.

Dean Pelton:Pageantry is not just a hobby, Jeffrey. It's a lifestyle choice. And frankly, I find your tone very hurtful.

Jeff Winger:I didn't say anything negative about pageantry.

Dean Pelton:Well, the way you said it...

Jeff:Okay, okay, you're doing that thing where you're like a Lifetime movie where the mom seduces the pool boy, except you're the pool boy and also the mom.

Abed:Friendship!

Pierce:I staged my own death to teach you all a valuable lesson.

Troy:What lesson?

Pierce:I can't remember.

Pierce:How does the paintball warping work?

Abed:It's a quantum entanglement scenario. When the paintballs make contact, they create a temporary wormhole that uses dark matter as a lubricant. The human body can pass through because we're mostly water, and water is a great conductor of spatial displacement energy. Also, the Darkest Timeline exists in the space between dimensions, so technically we're not warping at all—we're just stepping sideways into an adjacent reality.

Pierce:Oh. That makes sense.

Pierce:I'm going to win this thing!

Pierce:Paintball!!

Annie:You fell for it too?

Britta:Every single time.

Evil Annie:Come on, you know you want to. In my timeline, we've been together for three years.

Annie:What? No! That never happened!

Evil Annie:Not in your timeline. But in mine, we were very happy. Very... close.

Annie:Stop it! That's disgusting!

Evil Annie:You say that now, but you'll come around. You always do.

Annie:No! I'm not going to let some silly alternate timeline seduce me into making bad choices. I have standards. I have principles. I have a five-year plan that doesn't include—

Annie:...okay, fine, it includes Jeff, but that's different because I'm going to make him want me, and then dump him, and then he's going to spend the rest of his life wondering what he could have done differently.

Annie:You're evil! You're everything I'm not!

Evil Annie:Yeah, well, you're a control freak who alienates everyone around you with your passive-aggressive need to be perfect.

Annie:That's... that's not helping your case.

Evil Annie:I know, but it felt good to say.

Troy:Yes! In your face, evil! Troy and Abed in the Moooorning!

Abed:Troy, she's unconscious.

Troy:I know! Isn't it awesome?

Abed:This is all a mental construct. Jeff's mental construct. He's imagining all of this.

Abed:Notice how everyone agrees with him? Notice how he's somehow not at fault for anything? Notice how I'm explaining the joke instead of making one?

Abed:You know what I'm tired of? Paintball episodes. We've done this like five times. It's lazy writing. The show's jumped the shark.

Jeff:Abed, we literally just started talking about this conflict two seconds ago.

Abed:Exactly. And instead of resolving it like adults, we'll probably end up in some elaborate paintball war by the end of the episode. It's formulaic.

Dean:Do you, Jeffrey Winger, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

Jeff:Okay, stop. Can we just do the short version?

Dean:I was reading ahead. I get excited about weddings.

Troy:Wait, you met six important people? Who?

Jeff:Well, there's you...

Troy:Oh thank God.

Jeff:...and five other people.

Jeff:I'm finally going to graduate.

Pierce:Not if I graduate first!

Jeff:Look, I know what you're all thinking. But I have a plan. I'm going to use my natural charisma and exceptional verbal skills to become a successful lawyer, help people, make a real difference in the world.

Jeff:And then, once I'm established and wealthy, I'll probably just use those same skills to manipulate people and get what I want instead.

Britta:I'm naming my baby Chewbacca. It's a beautiful African name.

Jeff:Britta, that's a Star Wars character.

Britta:No, Jeff. Not everything is about pop culture. Chewbacca is a proud African heritage name.

Evil Jeff:I'm breaking the fourth wall right now. This is a TV show.

Troy:We know.

Abed:We've always known.