Heroic Origins

Jeff:Wait, why are you asking me about Roger Ebert?

Abed:I'm just trying to understand your romantic preferences. So would you date Roger Ebert?

Jeff:What? No! Why would—that's so specific and random.

Abed:Exactly. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Jeff:So you're telling me you make money selling photos of your feet?

Jeff:And people just... request them? Specific angles? Specific lighting?

Jeff:Do they ask for your toenails painted a certain color, or is that extra?

Troy:That was really generous of you to donate your kidney, Pierce.

Pierce:Well, I was hoping it would be stolen. You know, like in the urban legend? I'd wake up in a bathtub full of ice, missing a kidney. That would've been so cool.

Troy:You... wanted your kidney stolen?

Pierce:I wanted the story! Nobody steals kidneys anymore. It's all organ donation now. Where's the drama?

Abed:You know, it's interesting. In television, there's a thing called the fourth wall, where—

Jeff:Nope.

Britta:We talked about this.

Annie:We made a pact.

Troy:No meta tonight, man.

Shirley:We're not doing this.

Pierce:Not happening.

Jeff:Well, I was thinking of the French trilogy by Kieslowski.

Abed:That's too obscure. You should go with Unbreakable. It's more accessible.

Britta:I don't have feet pictures! Why would I— *nervous laugh* —that's ridiculous.

Annie:It's like Truffaut, but with a existential crisis about identity and —

Abed:Yeah, or you could just watch Unbreakable. Way more accessible.

Chang:But it's a really good catalog! Look at these overhead compartments!

Abed:I call it 'The Dreamers of the Day.' It's a reference to T.E. Lawrence.

Abed:My backup name was 'String Theory.'

Jeff:Your little craft project doesn't need research, Abed.

Abed:It's not just a craft project. It's a statement.

Jeff:A statement? What are you, Martha Stewart?

Abed:Martha Stewart went to prison.

Jeff:Exactly.

Britta:Wait, you're telling me the loom of fate is just... Abed's filing system?

Abed:It's not just a filing system. It's a metaphorical representation of narrative causality expressed through textile-based organization principles.

Britta:...You named your loom of fate. You actually named your loom of fate.

Abed:The Loom of Fate Mark VII. Mark VI kept jamming.

Britta:I can't... I don't even have words for how stupid this is.

Annie:I was a overachiever in high school. I did Israeli folk dancing.

Annie:I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people.

Annie:Okay, so I've been working on my impressions of recent indie film characters. Watch this.

Annie:I'm the manic pixie dream girl who solves everyone's problems while ignoring my own crippling anxiety.

Annie:Now I'm the brooding, sexually ambiguous artist who communicates primarily through meaningful stares and acoustic guitar.

Annie:And finally, I'm the precocious teenager who's somehow wiser than every adult and also having a sexual awakening.

Troy:I only care about statistics, not math.

Annie:Troy, statistics IS math.

Abed:It's not surprising Troy didn't remember Annie.

Troy:Yeah, I have no memory of her.

Shirley:You know what, Andre? I don't care who's looking. I want you right now.

Andre:Shirley, we're in the food court!

Shirley:I don't care. Do you know how attractive you are when you're eating a Sbarro slice? It's driving me crazy.

Andre:People are staring at us.

Shirley:Let them stare! Let them see what a real woman does for her man!

Dean Pelton:Well, as you know, this campus sits on land leased from the Arapaho nation. We had a little misunderstanding about 150 years ago involving their entire civilization, but we worked it out. They get 2% of our parking revenue and we get to use the cafeteria on Tuesdays.

Chang:Steve Winwood as the epitome of mid-tier casino entertainment

Britta:I was part of an anarchist collective.

Other Character:So you were an anarchist?

Britta:No, I was a her-chist.

Jeff Winger:Thank you. I did win that case.

Britta Perry:It was amazing how you found that loophole in the statute.

Jeff Winger:Well, actually, the loophole was based on a 1987 precedent where a judge in Reno ruled that if you file your brief on Tuesday, but the courthouse is closed on Tuesday, you can file it on Monday of the following week.

Troy Barnes:That's insane.

Jeff Winger:It gets better. The judge's name was Harriet, which is the feminine form of Harris, which means 'son of Harry.' The original case was tried by a judge named Harry. So technically, we were appealing to his daughter.

Abed Nadir:That's not how law works.

Jeff Winger:And that's why we won.

Britta:Well, the group disbanded because we couldn't agree on anything, which I guess proves that anarchism works.

Jeff:Or it proves that you need organization to accomplish anything.

Britta:That's not... you're just saying that because you work for the system.

Shirley:Jeffrey? JEFFREY?! You defended a stripper?

Abed:Shirley's marriage troubles, Uncle Ben's murder — it's all awesome because we're connected to it.

Mysti:I'm going to powder my nose.

Mysti:I mean, I'm literally going to do cocaine.

Troy:You got any corn nuts?

Troy:NOOOOOOOO!

Annie:I lost to Troy? Troy?! I have a 4.0 GPA, perfect attendance, I'm on the debate team, the Spanish club president, I volunteer at three different organizations, and I've already been accepted to seven Ivy League schools!

Troy:Well, I'm also Jewish.

Annie:What does that have to do with anything?

Troy:And I lead a Christian youth group.

Annie:You're just a mindless robot who does whatever anyone tells you to do.

Troy:Who are you?

Magnitude:Pop pop!

Abed:The prequels didn't just ruin Star Wars, they murdered it. They took something beautiful and beat it to death with a lightsaber made of bad dialogue and CGI.

Abed:Jar Jar Binks is like a tumor. You don't appreciate your healthy cells until there's a Gungan destroying everything.

Abed:George Lucas took my childhood, wrapped it in a body bag, and threw it in the Sarlacc pit.

Abed:Pointing out a continuity error with Chewbacca knowing Yoda

Abed:I'm on a crusade to warn people away from the prequels.

Annie:So anyway, that's when I realized I had a problem with pills.

Therapist:And how did that make you feel?

Annie:Honestly? Pretty good. I mean, I stole them from the school nurse, so there was also that rush.

Jeff:Wait, wait. Let me get this straight. You're upset that Abed got you arrested for drugs, but you were the one carrying around a backpack full of pills, talking to yourself, and not sleeping for three days?

Britta:I may have made some questionable decisions. Like that time I accidentally unleashed a psychotic monkey on campus. But in my defense, I didn't know it was psychotic at the time.

Pierce:I'm gonna get drunk enough that I forget I'm racist, but not so drunk that I forget how to drive.

Jeff:Look, Shirley, I know I messed up. Remember when I told everyone about that thing you did in high school?

Shirley:Jeff, that was so humiliating. I trusted you with that.

Jeff:I know, and I'm sorry. But in my defense, I was drunk and stupid.

Shirley:You're always drunk and stupid.

Jeff:Fair point.

Annie:Pierce, I've decided to forgive you for everything. All those racist comments, the inappropriate touching, the time you called me—

Pierce:Annie, you don't have to—

Annie:No, I need to say this. The time you called me a 'tight little—' in front of the whole group. I've moved past it.

Jeff:Remember that time you peed yourself?

Abed:That would have really tied my conspiracy theory together.

Abed:It's like making a prequel that ruins the original story.

Abed:I feel terrible. I ruined things like a prequel.

Jeff:I draw the line at apologizing to George Lucas.

Chang:You know what? Self-service frozen yogurt is a legitimate job skill. I'm recruiting at Pinkberry.

Dean Pelton:Oh no. Oh no no no. What is happening to me? I think I'm experiencing a sexuality... a sexuality I didn't know I had.

Abed:Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is actually a masterpiece. The aliens are the best part. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg understood that the franchise needed to evolve beyond just Nazis and ancient artifacts. Extraterrestrial mythology is a natural progression for the character.

Abed:Meesa sorry!

Troy:Abed is weird, man.

Jeff:Yeah, he's definitely weird.

Duncan:The monkey reference is ironic given later events with actual monkeys

Pierce:Help! Help! I'm dying!

Mall Employee:Sir, are you okay? What's wrong?

Pierce:The frozen yogurt machine is broken!

Mall Employee:Sir, that's not a medical emergency.

Pierce:You don't understand—it's a tragedy!

Abed:I'm streets ahead.

Annie:So you're saying the study group is like a snowglobe?

Abed:Not a snowglobe. A snowglobe is a metaphor for a snowglobe. We're the snow inside the metaphor of the globe, which is actually a concept, not a physical object.

Annie:I... okay, but what does that mean?

Abed:It means we're trapped in layers of symbolic representation.

Jeff:You know what? Sure. We're trapped. I'm going to get a drink.

Abed:Chang, I've been analyzing your behavior patterns, and I think I've figured something out.

Chang:What? What have you figured out?

Abed:You don't actually remember if you're Chang or Kevin. You just respond to whoever called you last.

Chang:That's ridiculous! I know exactly who I am!

Abed:Do you though?

Jeff:I'm out. This is ridiculous.

Abed:You can't leave. You're emotionally invested now. I've seen 247 episodes of television. You're at the point where you care about the group but you're pretending you don't. Next comes the slow-motion walk away, then the 'wait' from someone behind you.

Jeff:That's not—

Abed:Wait.