Economics of Marine Biology

Dean:We have a very diverse student body. We accept applicants with all kinds of backgrounds. A marijuana arrest? That's fine. A marijuana arrest in a Whole Foods parking lot? Even better. A marijuana arrest in a Whole Foods parking lot during a organic produce sale? Now you're Greendale material.

Dean Pelton:It says 'You will be desired by many.' Well, that's not happening anytime soon.

Dean Pelton:Wait, wait, wait. It also says 'A windfall of money is coming your way.' Oh! Suddenly I'm very desirable!

Dean:I've been approached by several chip companies who want me to be their spokesperson. Now, I take my endorsements very seriously. That's why I'm proud to announce my partnership with Crunchosity™ and Chipulse™ — two of America's most trusted snack brands.

Troy:Dean, those aren't real chip brands.

Dean:Not yet, Troy. Not yet. But with my Greendale credibility behind them, we're looking at a multi-million dollar enterprise. I've already shot the commercial. It's very tasteful.

Dean Pelton:Pierce has been our whale all along.

Dean Pelton:He's just a big baby.

Dean:Pierce is the perfect example of a whale — you know, a high-value customer who will spend enormous amounts of money on the slightest upsell.

Dean:He once paid $300 extra for a coffee maker that brews at exactly 147 degrees because the salesman convinced him that 148 degrees 'releases the sadness in the beans.'

Dean:Remember when Pierce threw a fit about the air conditioning being too cold?

Jeff:We don't talk about that.

Britta:That was a dark time.

Troy:I still have nightmares.

Abed:Clinically speaking, we all exhibit symptoms of PTSD.

Annie:I can't even look at a thermostat anymore.

Dean Pelton:Troy, I need your help recruiting new students. You're so popular and enthusiastic.

Troy:Ooh, Dean! That sounds amazinger! I'll be like a human magnet of studentiality!

Shirley:We need money for equipment. I could sell my blood plasma, but last time they said I had to stop coming back because my blood kept making the other donors sick. They said it was like mixing Kool-Aid with actual dirt.

Troy:I need to make room in my trophy case for all my awards.

Troy:Wait... I don't have a trophy case.

Troy:I'll just put them in this fishbowl.

Jeff:Fine, I'll volunteer.

Jeff:But only because someone implied I wouldn't.

Jeff:And now I have to prove I'm not selfish by doing something I don't want to do, which is the most selfish thing possible.

Jeff:I have a Winger underbelly.

Britta:That's not a real thing.

Jeff:It's the soft, vulnerable part of me that only comes out when I'm with the group.

Britta:Or it could just be that you're emotionally stunted and we're enabling it.

Pierce:You want a real barber? You gotta go to an Italian barber. They know how to treat hair.

Pierce:Plus, they'll flirt with you the whole time. Makes you feel like a man.

Jeff:That's impressive. I don't think I've ever seen someone offend that many people at once. That's like a hate crime buffet.

Abed:So what you're saying is we need to start a fraternity.

Dean Pelton:No, that's the opposite of what I said.

Abed:Right, right. So Delta Tau Chi Lambda.

Coach:Welcome to Physical Education and Enrichment, or PEE class.

Annie:Wait, isn't that redundant? And it's misspelled in the catalog.

Coach Chapman:I'm not a gym teacher, I'm a PE instructor. There's a difference.

Troy:What's the difference?

Coach Chapman:A gym teacher teaches in a gym. A PE instructor teaches physical education. I teach physical education.

Troy:In a gym.

Coach Chapman:Exactly. So I'm a PE instructor.

Coach:How do you handle disruptive students in your class?

Shirley:Well, I use the same techniques I use with my children. A firm hand, clear boundaries, and when necessary, a wooden spoon.

Coach:You hit college students with a wooden spoon?

Shirley:Only the ones who talk back. And it works! You should see how fast they sit down and apologize.

Abed:I'm not just a member of this fraternity. I'm a way of life. I'm a philosophy. I'm basically the human embodiment of what it means to be Greek.

Dean:You joined last week.

Jeff:Actually, Pierce and I have plans tonight.

Pierce:We do? Well, I guess the cool kids are hanging out together.

Pierce:That's right, I'm cool now. Very cool. The coolest.

Dean Pelton:Welcome to Greendale Community College, where we take education very seriously. I'm Dean of Admissions— I mean, Dean of Students. Sorry, I'm a little nervous. You're a very important prospect.

Dean Pelton:Wait, wait, wait. Before you decide, let me sweeten the pot. We'll give you a full scholarship, plus a lifetime supply of... of... Adderall.

Dean Pelton:We need to do something bold to compete with City College. Something that will make Greendale the talk of the town.

Dean Pelton:I've got it! We'll offer a groundbreaking new course: 'Introduction to Methamphetamine Production: A Culinary Perspective,' taught by celebrity chef Walter White!

Dean Pelton:No wait, he's not available. How about 'Advanced Cocaine Economics' with a hologram of Tony Montana?

Dean Pelton:You can use my computer anytime you need to.

Archie:Thanks, Dean. I'm going to use it to plan the destruction of Greendale.

Dean Pelton:Wait, what?

Britta:You're talking about a slippery slope.

Dean:Well, I prefer to think of it as a slippery slope that's also a slip 'n' slide, which is both a literal and figurative slip, not to mention the slip of the tongue I just made by saying 'slip' too many times, which is slipping into linguistic redundancy.

Coach:You know, Troy, your equipment storage is really something special. Reminds me of Coach Harrison down at Lincoln High – he had the same system back in '94.

Troy:Really?

Coach:Yeah. Same organization, same attention to detail. He also got arrested for embezzlement.

Dean Pelton:I'm offering you my ascot!

Archie:I want it.

Dean Pelton:My cardigan!

Archie:Give it to me.

Dean Pelton:My shoes!

Archie:I need those shoes.

Abed:The combination of the lame name with actual hazing involving pacifiers

Britta:I'm not serving Archie. He's a wealthy suitor and I have principles.

Britta:Back in high school, a rich guy asked me out at the grocery store produce section and I turned him down. I've never looked back.

Jeff:This is it. This is what being a man is about. The barbershop. The camaraderie. The straight razor work.

Barber:You want the fade?

Jeff:I want whatever makes me look like I've done something with my life.

Pierce:You know, I had this dog Walter when I was a kid. He was the sweetest thing. One time he ate a whole wheel of cheese, and then he just sat there looking at me with those big puppy dog eyes.

Pierce:Next thing I know, he let out the most ungodly fart you've ever heard. Cleared out the whole living room. My mother thought the septic tank had exploded.

Troy:Alright, listen up! You see this whistle? This whistle is my voice now. When I blow it, you MOVE. You feel me? I want you pushing, I want you sweating, I want you giving me 110% of that body!

Troy:Come on, get lower! Lower! Feel that burn? That's what I'm talking about. I need you hot, I need you tired, I need you completely exhausted by the end of this.

Troy:Don't you dare quit on me! You're going to take what I'm giving you and you're going to like it!

Jeff:This barbershop is amazing. They really know what they're doing.

Pierce:Yeah, well you should go down the street to the other one. Those guys? Total... you know... they're very good at their jobs and really care about precision grooming.

Pierce:I'm proud of you, Jeff.

Jeff:I'm proud of you too, Pierce.

Pierce:Wait, you're managing me?

Jeff:Yes. And honestly, it's exhausting.

Pierce:I always regretted not having a son.

Pierce:Then I realized... all my friends' sons are disappointments. So I basically got the experience without any of the effort.

Archie:I'm going to steal Magnitude's catchphrase. From now on, I'm saying 'Pop pop!'

Annie:No you're not.

Dean Pelton:Magnitude, I understand you'd like your own catchphrase.

Magnitude:Pop pop!

Dean Pelton:Yes, yes, very good. Pop pop.

Magnitude:No, no. Just pop.

Magnitude:Pop pop!

Annie:Does the ethics of it bother you?

Britta:Not even a little bit. I'm a mercenary.

Annie:You're not a mercenary.

Britta:Well, not a good one.

Jeff:Look, I know Pierce can be difficult, but you're all being unfair. He's not trying to be offensive—he's just emotionally stunted from a lifetime of privilege and unexamined biases. Which, granted, makes him offensive. But the point is, he's not a bad guy. He's just a guy who's never had to think about why the things he says are problematic, so he doesn't. It's actually kind of sad when you think about it. Although, yes, still annoying.

Magnitude:Pop what, what, what?

Magnitude:Pop pop... skeet skeet?

Magnitude:Pop pop... yeet?

Annie:No, no, no, no, no! Stop! You're going to destroy who you are!

Annie:I'm back in PE because I realized that physical fitness is just as important as academic excellence, and I wanted to set a good example for the study group by maintaining a holistic approach to health and wellness.

Annie:Plus, I heard they were serving those little cups of water at the end of class.

Annie:I'm sorry for how I acted in PE class. I was completely out of line.

Jeff:It's okay, Annie. We all have our moments in the locker room.

Annie:Well, I guess you could say I really got dressed down for my behavior.

Dean Pelton:We have a modest library, humble athletics, and a cafeteria that serves food that is technically edible. These are the things that make Greendale authentic.

Archie:I appreciate the pitch, Dean, but I just want to be normal. My parents sent me a vintage motorcycle for my birthday, and I crashed it into a lake. I didn't even care. That's how much I want a normal life.

Abed:I'm back, baby! I'm back, baby! I'm back, baby!

Abed:Wait, what? Delta Cubes? I made that up. Why would I make up a fraternity with a name that sounds like a frozen food brand?

Pierce:You know what's ridiculous? All these guys wearing those plaid pants to play golf.

Jeff:Completely ridiculous. I mean, it's a sport, not a costume party.

Pierce:Exactly! And those visors? Come on.

Jeff:The worst part is they think they look good.

Jeff:So you're telling me you've been this aggressive about Let's, and you don't even eat it?

Troy:Well, I eat Competitor's brand. It has fewer calories and more natural ingredients.

Jeff:You've been defending Let's this whole time while eating their competitor?

Troy:Health is important to me, Jeff.

Dean Pelton:Let's Potato Chips. The only chips endorsed by Greendale Community College.

Dean Pelton:And yes, before you ask, I am being paid to say this. A LOT.

Dean Pelton:So buy Let's Potato Chips, or I will personally track down every single one of you and make your lives miserable.

Dean Pelton:Let's Potato Chips. That's not a suggestion.