Basic Intergluteal Numismatics

Student:Those are some really good crackers.

Student:Et tu, Brute? You were supposed to be there for me!

Student:We've been through so much together, and you just... break on me now?

Overly dramatic cliché applied to trivial problems

Jeff Winger:We face challenges every day. Financial struggles, academic pressures, questions about our futures...

Britta Perry:We wonder if we're making the right choices.

Troy Barnes:If we're becoming the people we want to be.

Abed Nadir:But there's one threat that supersedes all of these concerns.

Dean Pelton:The Ass Crack Bandit.

Dean Pelton:We need to address the gluteal cleavage situation immediately.

Dean Pelton:Wait, we have more than one newspaper?

Student Reporter 1:The Greendale Gazette, sir.

Dean Pelton:Right, right.

Student Reporter 2:And The Community College Times.

Dean Pelton:Oh my god, how long has this been happening?

Reporter:What's your stance on the new soccer field proposal?

Raul Lopez:I... we're in the middle of a campus security briefing.

Dean Pelton:The bandit's letter says he robs banks to buy Hanes underwear.

Dean Pelton:Hence his ways.

Annie:This is barely literate. The formatting is atrocious. And he uses 'your' instead of 'you're.' Twice.

Dean Pelton:I want to assure you that security at Greendale is my top priority. We have state-of-the-art protocols in place.

Dean Pelton:Well, actually, I have no idea what those protocols are. I just nod when the security guy talks to me.

Duncan:My mother's been ill. I've been taking care of her.

Duncan:But I've done my duty. Whether she makes it or not, that's on her now.

Britta:Duncan, what did you have done? You look amazing!

Duncan:I was caring for my mother.

Britta:Oh my God, you went to Switzerland!

Dean:We've had our share of PR crises at Greendale. Remember when I accidentally approved the budget to build a statue of myself made entirely of marzipan? In July? In Arizona? The statue lasted three hours before it became a puddle of Dean-flavored disappointment.

Abed:This is serious. We need to investigate who ate the last bagel. I'm going to document everything.

Abed:Okay, I'm playing Fruit Ninja now. HYAH! SLICE! The watermelon is destroyed! Another combo! Oh no, the banana got away! This is the most intense moment of my life!

Chang:This game is racist! The fruit is clearly biased against me!

Troy:Hey, uh, I was thinking we could grab dinner tonight. Maybe hit up that new place downtown? Or we could go to the meat store if you're in the mood for, uh, steaks or whatever. The meat store. Yeah.

Troy:You know what? In every movie, when someone's sad, they just throw a blanket over them and suddenly everything's better. But here's the thing — I'm still sad. The blanket didn't work. I think movies have been lying to us this whole time.

Dean Pelton:Effective immediately, I am banning all change from Greendale Community College campus.

Jeff:Dean, that's insane. What about people who need to do laundry?

Dean Pelton:That's their problem. I want to hear what people think, and if they want to give me their two cents, they're going to have to give me actual pennies and nickels.

Ass Crack Bandit:I know what you're thinking. How can someone with such a narrow entrance get in and out so quickly? The answer is simple: practice, dedication, and a strictly regimented diet of fiber supplements and prune juice.

Annie:Dean, I have evidence that proves—

Dean:I'm going to stop you right there. According to subsection 12, paragraph B of the imaginary bylaws I just made up, anything you say is stupid and also you're stupid.

Jeff:Just take it easy.

Annie:Why? A quarter of a buck is still a quarter!

Jeff:Look, I'm not a psychologist. The guy steals things and wears a mask. That's literally it. Stop trying to make it deep.

Annie:No squealing? But that's my favorite part!

Annie:*squeals excitedly*

Vendor:Safety pants! Get your safety pants here! Protect yourself from bandits with our reinforced denim!

Jeff:How much are those?

Vendor:Forty dollars a pair.

Britta:Forty dollars? For pants?

Vendor:Safety pants. They're different.

Radio Singer:It's a quarter to ass.

Duncan:Based on the evidence, the bandit is either male or female, likely between the ages of 5 and 85. They probably have a face. They may or may not be wearing clothes. The bandit could be anyone in this room... or no one. They might strike again... or they might not.

Abed:You want me to use my powers? Fine. Here's what's going to happen: I'll make a reference to a TV show, everyone will laugh because they got it, and we'll all feel smart. Then I'll point out that my character exists only to make references, which is itself a reference to postmodern television. Then someone will say 'that's so Abed,' and we'll have achieved meta-comedy inception. But here's the thing—by acknowledging the trope, I'm not transcending it. I'm just another character in a show about characters who are aware they're in a show. We're all just doing what the writers want us to do. Even this speech. Especially this speech.

Abed:The problem with bad TV writing is it's not just intellectually offensive, it's physically painful. Like, my brain is literally rejecting it. I can feel synapses misfiring. This is what it must be like to be allergic to incompetence.

Hickey:If the decoy butt was free, then everything Chang owns is stolen.

Annie:Dear Greendale, you've been a real thorn in my side, but also a refreshing breeze that's been breathing down my neck.

Annie:Mixed metaphor. A thorn and a breeze are two completely different things. You can't be both a thorn in someone's side AND a breeze breathing down their neck. It's grammatically inconsistent and logically incoherent.

Annie:Ants don't have butts.

Hickey:Yes they do. They have an abdomen.

Jeff:Hey, Dave Matthews is a musical genius! The man plays violin AND sings. Do you know how hard that is? He's like if Mozart and a really attractive guy had a baby.

Jeff:And 'Crash Into Me'? That's not just a song, that's a transcendent experience. It's what plays in God's car when he's driving to work.

Jeff:You people wouldn't know artistry if it serenaded you with a jam band and made you feel feelings you didn't know you could feel.

Jeff:Okay, so who here is a Dave Matthews fan? Anyone? Anyone at all?

Jeff:Well, I guess that's the list.

Troy:I'm not comfortable with cameras in the bathroom.

Troy:But I'm also not comfortable with getting assaulted in the bathroom.

Troy:So I guess it's a wash.

Dean Pelton:Safety in numbers, people. That's why I always travel in groups of at least three.

Dean Pelton:One to keep watch, one to keep... a... notch, and one to... spots... the... crotch!

Annie:The teacher said he was at the science dance all night.

Jeff:Wait, if he was at the science dance all night, how come only one student showed up?

Chang:What? I'm eating with my real mouth.

Professor Bublitz:This stuff is incredible. I mean, the flavor profile is complex — you're getting notes of citrus, maybe some pine. The high is very cerebral, very clean. No paranoia, no couch lock. And the ash? Silver. Silver ash, man.

Annie:You can't suspend me.

Dean:Oh, I can't? Watch me. It's like those magazines quizzes: 'Which Douchebag Are You?' I'm all of them.

Dean Pelton:I've been observing you two, and what I'm seeing is a classic case of intellectual codependency masked as academic collaboration. Jeff, you're projecting your father issues onto Annie's need for validation, while Annie, you're unconsciously seeking a father figure through Jeff's superficial charm and emotional unavailability.

Dean Pelton:Jeff, you're going to coach our water polo team as punishment.

Jeff Winger:Water polo? Dean, I don't know anything about water polo.

Dean Pelton:Well, you're going to learn. And you're going to look *very* good in those tight coaching shorts.

Jeff:We don't have romantic tension.

Annie:Yeah, there's nothing there.

Jeff:Absolutely nothing.

Annie:Zero tension.

Bandit:You better watch your back, Dean. I know where you live.

Dean:Well, I appreciate the concern, but actually I've been meaning to tell someone—I've been going to a yoga class on Tuesday nights, and I think it's really changing my core strength. The instructor says I have natural flexibility for someone my age.

Annie:Greendale has stables?

Jeff:This place has the exact same creepy stable environment as my mother's house. Same lighting, same furniture, same smell of regret and horse feed.

Annie:What are you doing out here?

Starburns:I'm training horses to do my taxes.

Annie:What?

Starburns:And teaching them to speak French. Also, I'm building a spaceship out of hay.

Annie:Starburns, that's insane.

Starburns:Wait until you hear about my plans to marry the head horse and open a nightclub.

Chang:In Taiwan, we do it like this. Different countries, different high fives.

Annie:The evidence doesn't match up. The timeline is inconsistent, and the witness statements contradict each other.

Jeff:You know what? I think what's really going on here is that you care about me. A lot.

Annie:What? Jeff, focus—

Jeff:No, it's okay. I see it. And honestly, I'm flattered.

Annie:Jeff, why did you touch my shoulder like that?

Jeff:It was a supportive touch. Platonic. Entirely non-romantic and completely appropriate for a study group member to give to another study group member in a moment of emotional vulnerability.

Student vendor:Do you have any idea how much money you're throwing around like it's nothing?

Student vendor:This is actual currency! People work for this!

Duncan:I'm a huge Dave Matthews fan.

Jeff:That's streets ahead.

Hickey:David Lee Roth? Now that's a man who knew how to live. The guy had it all - the bandana, the splits, the screaming fans.

Starburns:I didn't not make that phone call.

Duncan:I saw some photos of you online.

Duncan:On FaceBrit.

Duncan:I say, these laces require a minimum of seven-and-three-quarter inches of structural integrity to maintain proper pedestrian safety standards, as per the Royal Academy of Footwear Sciences.

Duncan:I'm bending down to tie my shoe in a way that respects the indigenous footwear traditions of the Pacific Northwest.

Shirley:We need to find him before he gets away!

Jeff:I'm on it! Which way did he go?

Abed:According to my calculations, he's heading toward the library.

Troy:Then that's where we're going!

Dean Pelton:Excuse me, students. I have some terrible news.

Shirley:What is it, Dean?

Dean Pelton:We just received word that Professor Professorson has passed away.

Real Neil:This is Real Neil from the radio, paying tribute to Pierce Hawthorne. He was like the dragon from our D&D campaign—old, powerful, and ultimately defeated by his own greed and lack of armor.

Jeff:Pierce may be gone, but he's still here in all of us. In our hearts, in our memories, in the way he taught us to live life to the fullest. And in his outstanding collection of racist memorabilia. Psssshhhhh!

Annie:Jeff, I'm worried this case is going cold.

Jeff:Don't worry. I've got the killer instinct of a man on a mission.

Annie:Woman.

Jeff:What?

Annie:A woman on a mission.

Starburns:So you give me money, and in return... you get absolutely nothing. No equity, no updates, no cat car rides. Just the knowledge that you helped make a dream real.

Investor:That's... that's not how crowdfunding works.

Starburns:Isn't it though?