Basic Crisis Room Decorum

Frankie:I'm like a dolphin. I only rest half my brain at a time.

Dean Pelton:Jeff? Is that you?

Takashi:Yes, is Jeff. How are you doing today, Dean?

Dean Pelton:Something seems off about your texts...

Takashi:I am fine, very good. We should to make the sexy times together, yes?

Dean Pelton:TAKASHI?!

Dean Pelton:You know, Jeff, you're so different in texts. You're witty, you're charming, you're... you're almost a completely different person.

Jeff Winger:That's ridiculous. I'm exactly the same person in texts as I am in real life.

Dean Pelton:Are you though? Because this text you sent me just now is completely nonsensical. Meow.

Jeff:Do you have any idea what time it is? I was in the middle of my nighttime skincare routine. Do you know how much my moisturizer costs? It's more than your car payment.

Abed:She's been awake for 47 hours. Clearly the government implanted a tracking device in her fillings during that dentist appointment, and now it's emitting a frequency that prevents REM sleep. Also, her coffee mug is a Bluetooth receiver.

Britta:I'm not drunk. Could a drunk person do this?

Britta:(falls over/stumbles/hiccups/etc.)

Jeff:Yes, KZBC is the TV station. Obviously. What else would it be, a breakfast cereal?

Jeff:Wait, so our registration numbers are up, but students never actually graduate?

Dean Pelton:It's a business model, Jeff. We prefer the term 'extended enrollment.'

Jeff:That's literally a Ponzi scheme.

Dean Pelton:A Ponzi scheme implies fraud. We're just... hopeful.

Jeff:Get a room, you two.

Annie:Jeff, we're just having a professional conversation.

Jeff:Yeah, well, get a conference room.

Jeff:Oh, where do I even start? There's the incident with the cafeteria, the things I may have done in the library after hours, my relationship with a certain dean that could be interpreted several different ways, the fact that I once told a girl she had a nice butt and didn't get consent first, my academic record which is basically a work of fiction, the time I pretended to be a lawyer, my various romantic entanglements that could be construed as harassment depending on who you ask, the dean's obsession with me which he may or may not have documented, my general disregard for the rules, the study group's various crimes, my narcissism, my selfishness, my complete lack of actual knowledge about anything, and that's just the tip of the iceberg of ways they could destroy us.

Jeff:Who is Brenda?

Britta:I don't know, the email just says 'Brenda is in the hospital.'

Troy:Wait, which Brenda? There are like five Brendas.

Abed:Statistically, there are probably more than five Brendas in the greater metropolitan area.

Pierce:I knew a Brenda once. Terrible woman. Stole my boat.

Shirley:Pierce, you don't have a boat.

Pierce:That's how good she was at stealing it.

Annie:This is serious! Someone named Brenda is in the hospital and nobody knows who she is!

Jeff:Maybe the email was sent to the wrong person.

Britta:Or maybe we all know a Brenda and don't realize it's the same Brenda.

Troy:My head hurts.

Abed:We've created a Brenda paradox.

Abed:I have friends in AV at City College.

Abed:My loyalty to AV transcends institutional boundaries.

Abed:We're not bigger nerds. We've just peaked earlier.

Annie:Okay, we're going to need a situation room. Let me think... a large table, communications equipment, maps on the walls, maybe some coffee...

Annie:Actually, we should probably have a big map table like in the war room, with the little pushpins and the... the swivel chairs, and someone standing there with a pointer...

Annie:And then we'd have the big screens showing satellite imagery, and everyone's in military uniforms, and we're tracking the enemy movements in real-time, and there's that satisfying moment when someone says 'We've got him' and everyone nods seriously...

Annie:You know what, we should also have a giant laser grid protecting the perimeter, and the walls should shake whenever the monster takes a step, and we need those big windows so we can see the creature destroying the city in the background...

Chang:I need to leave the situation room.

Chang:Impossible and gross explanation

Jeff:A situation room? It's just a room.

Annie:Well, if it's just a room, then why do we have cookies in here? Situation rooms have cookies. Regular rooms have... I don't know, a Pottery Barn catalog?

Dean:I found something.

Dean:Britta wandering pantsless.

City College Ad:Greendale Community College: where even dogs can get degrees. They're really getting boned out of an education.

Dean Pelton:Well, that's a complex question that involves many factors including accreditation standards, state regulations, and how we define 'dog' in an academic context.

Jeff:Wait, wait, wait. Did the dog actually get a degree from Greendale?

Britta:That's not the point. The point is whether it matters.

Jeff:Of course it matters. I'm a lawyer. I only care about provable evidence, not truth.

Jeff:Look, I'm not interested in truth. Truth is just what everyone agrees on, and honestly, that's usually whoever yells the loudest or has the best lawyer. So why waste energy on it?

Jeff:Wait, so if Brenda doesn't exist, but we're all talking about her, does that make her real? Or does it make us crazy?

Jeff:Because I'm pretty sure the answer is yes to both.

Jeff:So the dog is registered as a Schnauzer, but the ad said it was a Golden Retriever?

Jeff:That's false advertising. How am I supposed to trust this dog? It can't even get its own breed right. What else is it lying about?

Jeff:Chang, I need you to make an attack ad against my opponent.

Chang:Say no more. He's a pedophile.

Jeff:Whoa, whoa, whoa. We haven't even started yet.

Chang:I know. That's why I'm getting ahead of it.

Jeff:You can't just call someone a pedophile without evidence.

Chang:Why not? It works.

Jeff:I could attack the dog's character. Point out his barking has a subtle racist undertone.

Jeff:Chang, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to go get me a coffee.

Chang:Sure, what kind?

Jeff:I need it from that place... you know, the one that only exists on Tuesdays, in the food court, but only if you approach from the east side of the building, and you have to be wearing something blue, but not too blue.

Chang:Okay...

Jeff:And they only take payment in a specific type of currency that was discontinued in 1987. Think you can handle that?

Chang:Yeah, I got this.

Jeff:Great. And Chang? Take your time.

Annie:No! Bad! Bad Jeff! You don't bury evidence in the backyard!

Annie:We talked about this.

Chang:I'll destroy him! I'll poison his coffee, frame him for theft, and spread rumors that he's a secret agent for the Canadian government!

Jeff:Yeah, okay. Sounds good. Let's do it.

Chang:Wait, what? No! Did you hear what I just said? I'm going to poison someone!

Dean Pelton:Wait, why does fake Jeff hate olives so much?

Takashi:He doesn't. He's obsessed with them. He eats them constantly, but he tells everyone he hates them so nobody asks him to share.

Dean Pelton:That's... actually brilliant.

Fake Jeffrey:I need five cans of olives. No, wait—five cans of the olives.

Chang:I'm hoping that dog degree story is true. I want everyone to be devalued so my own worthlessness feels normal.

Frankie:I was 40 when I got into that teen band. I know, I know, it's weird.

Frankie:But you have to understand, I had a very isolated childhood. My parents kept me in the basement until I was 16.

Frankie:I hope that hope is bad. I hope it's a tumor. A beautiful, benign tumor that grows inside you and makes you think everything will be okay when really you're just slowly dying.

Frankie:I hope hope is a virus. A virus that spreads through optimism, mutating your brain cells until you can't remember what disappointment feels like.

Frankie:I hope hope is a black hole. An invisible force that sucks in all your rational thought and spits out delusion and false dreams on the other side.

Frankie:Chang hears my voice like a dog whistle—except the dog is insane.

Annie:Oh my God, I found it! I found the transcript!

Annie:Wait... no. No, no, no. The dog story isn't real.

Frankie:See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. You got excited, then devastated, all in thirty seconds. Hope is a con.

Annie:But...

Frankie:No buts. You felt nothing, then everything, then nothing again. That's the cycle. That's the trap.

Annie:I found no degree in his file!

Frankie:That's only meaningful at Greendale.

Attack Ad Narrator:This dog has stolen cookies from the kitchen. Not once, not twice, but multiple times.

Attack Ad Narrator:This dog has eaten from the trash without permission.

Attack Ad Narrator:And most disturbingly, this dog impersonated a lobster at the community pool last summer.

Attack Ad Narrator:Can we really trust a dog like this?

Chang:I mispronounced 'Earl Jones' as 'roll Jones' and 'Darth Vader' as 'bater'

Jeff:This dog's academic record is incredible. You're an animal.

Annie:That's just Boomer. He's always been a hard worker.

Jeff:That's right, you fraudulent furry bastard. You never graduated. How does it feel to be exposed as a fake, you four-legged con artist?

Annie:You attacked a dog! That's evil!

Jeff:Okay, silly. Not evil.

Annie:Okay, things that are both silly and evil: a clown who pickpockets, a mime who commits identity theft, or a guy in a mascot costume who steals your organs.

Frankie:That last one is just a regular crime.

Jeff:So we're back where we started. It's like the whole night was pointless.

Jeff:Which I guess makes it pretentious German cinema.

Annie:Jeff, people are looking at us. This looks really bad.

Jeff:What? No it doesn't.

Annie:A 40-year-old man physically restraining a young woman? Yeah, it looks pretty bad.

Jeff:Oh my God, you're right. Let go of me.

Annie:You can't buy hope for a dollar anymore.

Jeff:It's actually two fifty.

Jeff:You know what I miss about the '90s? How cheap cynicism was. You could dismiss anything with a single eye-roll. Now everything's so earnest and sincere, it costs a fortune to maintain proper disdain.

Jeff:Wait... cynicism was cheaper when everything cost less. I've been pricing my apathy wrong this whole time.

Abed:Your dog is doing great in school. Which is sad because it means your dog is smarter than most of the students there.

Annie:I knew they wouldn't attack the dog.

Frankie:You hoped they wouldn't.

Annie:Fine, I hoped. And it worked!

Annie:Hope works, Frankie. Your whole philosophy is wrong.

Jeff:Chang, this isn't pornography.

Chang:What do you mean? I'm alone, I'm performing, I'm on camera. That's porn!

Jeff:No, that's just... that's a video of you doing something.

Chang:Exactly! A solo performance! That's the definition of porn!

Jeff:That plan has a huge flaw.

Chang:We're reshooting.

Dean:Takashi, I want you to know that whatever you're going through, this school is a safe space for you.

Takashi:Dean, I'm not going through anything. I just need to tell you my last name.

Dean:Of course, of course. Your identity is valid here.

Takashi:No, I'm literally just trying to introduce myself properly. My name is Takashi Shiroma.

Dean:Shiroma... what a beautiful way to honor your heritage.

Takashi:It's my actual last name! That's all this is!

Dean:And we celebrate that journey, Takashi. We celebrate it.

Takashi:And that's how a simple misunderstanding at the bar that night led to me becoming a Yakuza leader.