Campaign Ad

Bobby Newport:My campaign is going great. I'm having the time of my life. You could say I'm really enjoying the campaign... pleasure.

Leslie Knope:Bobby's got the looks, the charm, the charisma. But you know what I've got? A comprehensive understanding of municipal code, a working knowledge of the Parks Department budget, and I've read every single binder in the planning office. And that, my friends, is sexy.

Bobby Newport:Of course, I'd be happy to sign something for you, uh... Leslee? Is it Leslee?

Leslie Knope:It's Leslie.

Bobby Newport:Right, right, Leslie. L-E-S-L-I-E-E.

Bobby Newport:Wait, Leslie Knope is running for city council? Against me?

Bobby Newport:I didn't know that.

April Ludgate:Hey Ann, were you fired for sleeping with doctors?

Andy Dwyer:My stomach hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts. I think I'm dying, Ann. I'm pretty sure this is what dying feels like.

Ann Perkins:Andy, you're not dying.

Andy Dwyer:How do you know? You're not a doctor. Oh wait, you are a nurse. But that's basically the same thing, right? My left eye won't stop twitching. I think I have a brain tumor. Also, I'm pretty sure I saw a ghost this morning.

Ann Perkins:You saw a ghost?

Andy Dwyer:It was wearing a white sheet. Turned out to be a bed sheet. From my bed. I couldn't find it this morning and got really upset. Also, I haven't eaten since yesterday.

Andy Dwyer:I've been experiencing some troubling symptoms. Occasional headaches, fatigue, and sometimes my left arm feels tingly.

Ann Perkins:Andy, those are just normal human experiences. You're not dying.

Andy Dwyer:But what about the tingly arm?

Ann Perkins:You probably slept on it wrong.

Andy Dwyer:No, I didn't hit my head.

Andy Dwyer:I hit the wall in the head area with my head area.

Andy:I hit my head pretty hard on the swing set.

April:Yeah, you were out for like twenty seconds. It was awesome.

Andy Dwyer:Yeah, I got hit in the head pretty bad, but you know what? I've been trying to remember things better, and I actually remembered my PIN code on the first try today.

Andy Dwyer:So who's the winner now?

April Ludgate:Wait, health insurance? I thought insurance was just for cars.

April Ludgate:I don't have that either.

Leslie Knope:In my dream scenario, Mr. Belvedere is my campaign manager.

Ron Swanson:I have not considered it. I volunteer at the Fire Department. I fight fires.

Chris Traeger:You do?

Ron Swanson:No. But if there's ever a fire, I will be there with a gun and some increasingly angry buckets of water.

April Ludgate:Are you a drug addict?

Andy Dwyer:Well, I was doing this thing where I was like, 'protecting my brain helmet,' you know? And I put my hands up like this, and I guess I didn't realize how hard I was gonna hit myself. So I was just like, 'whoosh,' and then my brain helmet made contact with the wall, and that's when I knew it was bad because usually my brain helmet is pretty 'indestructible,' but apparently it's not as indestructible as I thought.

Andy Barton:I was reading this encyclopedia and I got so lost in it, I didn't even realize three hours had passed. It was incredible!

April Ludgate:You fell asleep on the couch.

Doctor:Is there anything else bothering you?

Andy Dwyer:No.

Doctor:You sure?

Andy Dwyer:Well, actually, now that you mention it, my knee pit area has been really itchy, I've been having these weird dreams where I'm falling, and sometimes when I sneeze, a little bit of pee comes out.

Andy Dwyer:My doctor says I have the health of a sixty-year-old man. I'm thirty-four. He also says I sound like a rattlesnake when I breathe. I don't know what that means, but it doesn't sound good.

Andy Dwyer:So I ate a candy wrapper yesterday, and I've been tracking its progress through my digestive system. I'm pretty sure I felt it pass through my stomach around 2 PM.

Jerry Gergich:Andy, you're not supposed to eat the wrapper.

Andy Dwyer:Well, I know that now, Jerry. But the important thing is, I'm documenting the journey. By tomorrow, it'll be out of my system completely, and I'll have a full timeline to present to my doctor.

Andy Dwyer:I've been swallowing gum for 25 years. The doctor said I'm gonna die, but I'm gonna die with the cleanest insides.

Andy Dwyer:So I've got high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, and a really bad back. Oh, and I broke my thumb. Can you just... fix all of it? Like, everything?

Bobby Newport:I'm just a regular guy, you know? I shop at the same stores everyone else does.

Bobby Newport:In fact, my dog is a rescue dog. Well, he was rescued from the Queen of England's personal kennel, but still.

Ben Wyatt:Donna, I think you might have some issues going negative.

Donna Meagle:Ben, I don't have issues. I have a strategy. If you assume the worst, you're never disappointed. And occasionally, you get pleasantly surprised.

Ben Wyatt:That's not healthy.

Donna Meagle:It's worked for me for 55 years.

Ann Perkins:I can't believe how negative this campaign has gotten. It's awful. Leslie and I used to be friends, and now we're just... I don't know, it feels like we're enemies and... wait, is this a Crayola marker?

Ann Perkins:Oh my God, this smells amazing. What color is this? Burnt sienna? I love burnt sienna.

Ron Swanson:I don't care about the river dam project. I don't care about rivers. I don't care about dams. And I certainly don't care about your concerns. Good day.

Ron Swanson:I crushed your dreams. That's what I do. I crush dreams and build dams. And we're all out of dams.

Tom Haverford:Here's my strategy: I bet on every horse. That way, no matter which one wins, I'm a winner.

Leslie Knope:Jerry, you're going to be on Ben's team.

Jerry Gergich:Oh, okay.

Leslie Knope:Yeah, I figure if anyone's going to be a big negative, it might as well be you.

Leslie Knope:Look, being positive is better than being negative. Obama was positive, and he became president. Ben is negative, and he's stuck in a mid-level government job.

Ben Wyatt:I'm not negative, I'm realistic.

Leslie Knope:That's what negative people say.

Optometrist:Can you read the next line?

Andy Dwyer:Yeah, it says... W, uh... that's a middle finger, right? And then an E, another middle finger, and then... is that a Q or a 9?

Optometrist:Those are all the letter M.

Andy Dwyer:Oh, wow. Your font is really aggressive.

April Ludgate:If you get glasses, I'm divorcing you.

Andy Dwyer:What? Why?

April Ludgate:You'll look like a nerd.

Andy Dwyer:I am a nerd.

April Ludgate:Exactly. And I married you despite that, not because of it.

April:I don't like glasses.

Andy:Yeah, I don't like them either. I'm worried the doctor's gonna be really upset.

Tom Haverford:Bobby Newport's got great herr. I mean hair. No wait, herr. That's how they say it in Europe, so it's cooler.

Jerry Gergich:Congressman Newport. Congressman Newport. Congress... man... Newport.

Jerry Gergich:I can't believe this is happening. Everything's falling apart. My career is over, my reputation is ruined, and I don't know how I'm going to face anyone ever again.

Ben Wyatt:It's gonna be fine, Jerry.

Chris Traeger:What are you going to order, Ron? Something raw and cucumber-based?

Ron Swanson:I'll have a cucumber.

Ron Swanson:I don't remember agreeing to this lunch. Did you drug me?

Chris Traeger:What? No, Ron, I didn't drug you.

Ron Swanson:Then how did I get here? I have no recollection of the last two hours.

Ron Swanson:And my drink tastes like it has a memory-altering substance in it.

Leslie Knope:I'm Leslie Knope, and I support the following things: a strong public sector, women's rights, environmental protection, education, affordable housing, and hot dogs.

Leslie Knope:Wait, why did I say hot dogs?

Off-screen voice:You like hot dogs!

Leslie Knope:That's not a political position!

Ben Wyatt:Look, I'm not going to lie to you. That was... that was really bad.

Ben Wyatt:Like, impressively bad. I didn't know it was possible to be that bad.

Andy Dwyer:They microwaved my arm.

April Ludgate:You mean X-rayed.

Andy Dwyer:That's what I said. They also ran some tests for science.

April Ludgate:For medical reasons.

Andy Dwyer:Yeah, that too.

Andy Dwyer:Wait, you weren't actually a doctor?

Unknown Character:No, I'm not a doctor.

Andy Dwyer:But you've been describing all these medical procedures like you knew what you were talking about!

Unknown Character:I watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy.

Andy Dwyer:Oh my God.

Announcer:This ad was paid for by the Committee to Elect Leslie Knope.

Leslie Knope:I'm Leslie Knope and I approve this message.

Leslie Knope:Wait, no I don't!

Ben Wyatt:Leslie, what are you doing?

Leslie Knope:I'm not letting this ad air. This is a negative ad and I don't do negative ads.

Ben Wyatt:I have some good news and some bad news.

Ben Wyatt:The good news is, the bad news isn't as bad as it could be.

Leslie Knope:I'm so sorry I tackled you.

Ben Wyatt:It's okay. I mean, I'm not a physical person. I'm more of a... spreadsheet guy.

April Ludgate:I would help you, but I'm going to get ice cream first. My priorities are pretty clear.

Andy Dwyer:Wait, we have insurance? So why do we owe $500?

Andy Dwyer:That's what insurance is for. It's like... it's like a shield made of money that protects you from having to spend money.

Andy Dwyer:I'm not paying this medical bill. I'm just gonna run out of here!

Andy Dwyer:They can't catch me, I'm fast.

Andy Dwyer:Ow! Ow! My leg! I think I pulled something!

Andy Dwyer:I need a doctor!

Bobby Newport:Well, I think the most important thing is... uh... I haven't really thought about it. I mean, I've got some ideas, but they're mostly just things my dad told me to say. Actually, no, I don't even remember those.

Ron Swanson:Chris, I'd like you to meet Jerry Gergich, our Parks Department... wait, no. Gary. Gary Gergich.

Chris Traeger:I thought his name was Jerry?

Ron Swanson:It is. I just like to call him Gary to hurt his feelings.

Kyle:I'm not really interested in Japanese culture. I just needed a job.

Bobby Newport:Leslie, please just quit the race.

Bobby Newport:Just quit. Just quit, quit, quit, quit.

Bobby Newport:Quit quit quit quit quit quit quit.

Bobby Newport:Why won't you quit?

Bobby Newport:Quit!

Bobby Newport:Well, my dad said I should run for something, and politics seemed easier than a actual business.

Bobby Newport:Look, Leslie, I'm a reasonable guy. Let's compromise. You keep doing your job, and I'll take all the credit and the salary.

Leslie Knope:That's not a compromise, Bobby. That's just you being you.

Bobby Newport:Wait, how were you yourself as a child?

Leslie Knope:What do you mean?

Bobby Newport:Well, you're not yourself now.

Andy Dwyer:We could treat each other's injuries ourselves. It'd be like being our own doctors.

April Ludgate:That does sound romantic. Like we're living under a bridge, performing surgery with a bottle cap and whatever we find in the dirt.