Ron And Tammys

Budgetary Thunderdome

Every time another department asks for more money, he just stares them down until they back off and, or, wet themselves

First of all, income tax is illegal

This is just another way for her to put her hand up my keister and control me like a puppet

Jail, Ron. Ron, jail. Jail, Ron. Jail. You could go to jail. Jail. Jail. Jail.

Are you broken?

Don't worry. I will think of a better name for it by tomorrow

Hey, thanks for texting me to hang out. I really felt like we'd developed a cool friendship, and it... Anyway, it was just nice to have that validated

No, of course. Yeah, no. I'll just put on my Star Wars pajamas and sit in my mom's basement and pore over some spreadsheets

Yeah, sure, I'll take a look. Let's hit it. What do you... Right now? I have work. And I thought I had a friend

It's almost too easy. I can hear you. I know you can, Ben. That's how easy it is

This one says, 'I bought supplies 2007'

I've heavily invested in gold, which I've buried in several different locations around Pawnee. Or have I?

That is a gentleman's agreement. I made that man a dining room table in exchange for 60 feet of copper pipe and a half pig

Every 30 days, I buy shotgun shells and cigarettes, and send them home to my mom

My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My mom's name is Tamara. She goes by Tammy

Visual gag: Ron's uncomfortable silence after revealing his Tammy pattern

That is Walt Morphling. He was the Director of Public Health, but he had to retire at 46 because he had diabetes

That is sad, but also, in this town, understandable

Casual? Formal? Semi-formal? Sporty? Scary? Posh? Baby? Those are the Spice Girls. I just got caught up in my own thoughts

NBA's on strike, so we got him for only, like, 75% of his original NBA salary

Your name is Angelo. Angelo, thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie. It looks weird on you. Makes your head look like a fish

Lastly, I hate the name Angelo. I'm gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is Jell-O Shot

A hundred thousand dollars a year with full medical

I mean, I would guess they'll be bankrupt by the end of this sentence

We first took up together when I was 15

She was my math teacher in middle school and my babysitter, and she taught drivers ed

I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while I'm here

You know, sometimes, you eat chicken and you get food poisoning, and then even the sight of chicken makes you sick? Tammy One is my blonde chicken

Oh, are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid?

Tim. Tim Buckanowski. Really? No. Andy Dwyer

I'm sure Ron will remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a federal prison in Terre Haute

She's the cold, distant mother I never had. I love her

Leslie, you goofball. Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it

Hey, Jer. Hump day, am I right, buddy?

Yesterday, she converted my bank account into a joint bank account with her. Oh. That's great. And how is that going to help? Not sure

These emails aren't going to send themselves

Great. Just as good, if not exactly the same, as the last one

In that last one, I left a nanosecond of a pause between the words 'together' and 'we'. It felt much better

Do you want to know how we make money? By literally printing our own money

We promote the company by going to clubs and tossing the bills in the air and screaming... Free money!

Are we calling everybody 'baby' now? Because honestly, I love that. Are we saying 'Snapple' anytime we think something's dope? 'Cause I love that, baby

We're here to serve you, friend. I hope the rest of your day is cool beans

Okay. First of all, it's disturbing that you wrote a memo at all

Leslie, please. The government knows what it's doing

Oh, gosh. I'm really in a pickle now

When Ron falls for Tammy Two he turns into a demonic sex maniac. But this? Neutered wimp? This is worse

In a sense, yes. But in another, truer sense, no, it is not

You gold digger. You are literally a gold digger

The thing I love about Tammy is she calls me on my crap. Every guy needs that

Don't forget to grab a free iPad on your way out. He didn't even grab one

I cannot believe I dated him. For a long time. And he broke up with me

When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot

Ew! Could we take a peek at it?

This is America, isn't it? Yes. Then, I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property

Okay, well, that's definitely Ron's mom

That's Swanson Family Mash Liquor. Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speedboats

We use it to burn warts off of the mules

Marvin clonse. Glenn Close

Shh! Go to bed, Jimmy

Oh, right. That's why I dated him

Get rid of four of those accountants. You don't need five accountants

Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican. I can handle it

That's decoy gold. You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground, where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all

I intend to be there the minute you die

Ron, your family is weird

Tom told me that chair was $27,000. That chair, that has a roof

She's probably being paid upwards of $100,000 a year