Bowling For Votes

Leslie:The focus group said I need to be more vulnerable, so I'm just going to come out and say it: I have feelings about myself.

Focus Group Member:She's aggressively short. Like, she chose to be that tall to spite us.

Ben:Cool.

Focus Group Member:I'm not voting for Leslie Knope. We took a bowling compatibility test and we're not compatible bowlers.

Leslie:Bowling is a sport, Derek. It's in the Olympics. And Ron Swanson once told me that bowling is the only acceptable form of exercise because you can do it while eating a hot dog.

Ben:Leslie, you can't obsess over one comment about your bowling skills.

Leslie:One comment? Ben, I've already drafted a memo proposing we form a Parks Department bowling league, and I've created a seventeen-person committee to oversee it.

Leslie:The committee will report to a sub-committee, which will report to a oversight board, which will report directly to the City Manager.

Leslie:I've also prepared a PowerPoint presentation with pie charts demonstrating the health benefits of bowling.

Ben:Leslie...

Leslie:And I'm entering the regional bowling tournament next weekend. So.

Focus Group Member:I'd vote for Leslie Knope.

Focus Group Member:But I gotta be honest, I don't like her last name. Knope? It sounds like a sneeze. If she changed it to something like Leslie... Hopeston, I'd vote for her 100%.

Leslie:I'm not good at letting things go. Like, I once mediated a custody battle between Ben and me over a dog toy. I presented a PowerPoint.

Leslie:I did my research on you.

Leslie:Your name is Jerry.

Leslie:I've been doing some research on you.

Ben:Oh yeah? What kind of research?

Leslie:Well, I looked into your bowling statistics from high school. You averaged 147 pins per game in 1998.

Ben:You investigated my bowling statistics?

Leslie:I investigate the things I care about.

Ben:Leslie, did you really spend all weekend researching bowling techniques?

Leslie:Not just techniques, Ben. I cross-referenced historical bowling data with demographic trends, analyzed ball weight optimization for various wrist configurations, and I may have created a seventeen-page binder.

Ben:A seventeen-page... Leslie, we're just going bowling for fun.

Leslie:Fun? Ben, there is no such thing as 'just' bowling. Every frame is an opportunity for excellence.

Ben:Oh my God. You're serious about this.

Leslie:This criticism is completely sexist! You wouldn't say these things about a man who was passionate and driven and had strong opinions about—wait. Oh my god. I'm being elitist right now, aren't I?

Leslie:I'm actually really good at bowling.

Ben:Oh yeah? Well, I'm going to need to see some credentials. Maybe a bowling license, a letter of recommendation from the pins.

Ben:Who should I ask about this?

Leslie:Me! You should ask me!

Jerry:Is everybody feeling good about phone banking?

April:No. I'm in Hell. This is Hell. I'm being punished for something I did in a past life. There's no other explanation for why I'm here making phone calls to strangers and listening to them describe their problems.

Jerry:Alright everyone, let's get this party started! I'm gonna drop some sick beats and show you how we do it in the Gergich household.

Jerry:Yo, yo, yo! Who's ready to get jiggy with it? I've been practicing my dance moves all week.

Jerry:I even bought this backwards baseball cap to show I'm hip to the times. What do you think? Pretty radical, right?

Jerry:Hey everyone, I just got tickets to the community theater's production of Cats! Who wants to go?

April:No.

Tom:It can't be. Phone banking is the worst. You're calling strangers and trying to convince them to care about something they don't care about. It's like being a telemarketer, except nobody hangs up on telemarketers because they're hoping to win a cruise.

Tom:No one was thinking that.

Andy:I was.

Ben:I'm giving away two free movie tickets!

Chris:Two movie tickets? That's literally the best prize I've ever heard of. I'm going to see a film. In a theater. With a seat. This is incredible.

Chris:I need to remain completely impartial as city manager. I can't show favoritism to any department.

Chris:That said, Parks and Recreation is clearly the best department in this city by a wide margin.

Chris:In fact, I'd say they're the greatest municipal employees in the history of local government. They're like superheroes, but better because they're real. And so humble! So incredibly humble!

Leslie:Do I look laid-back?

Ben:You look... approachable.

Ron:I have no idea why anyone comes to a bowling alley for the food. If I want a hot dog wrapped in a pizza, I'll just ask my wife to stop loving me.

Ben:Ron, are you scared to eat at the bowling alley?

Ron:Scared? No. I'm not scared of the bowling alley. The bowling alley is scared of me.

Tom:Hi, yes, I'm calling to see if you'd like to make a donation to the Parks Department. Who am I speaking with? Deirdre Splatterfork? Oh my God. Oh my God! That is the most beautiful name I have ever heard in my entire life. Deirdre Splatterfork. It's like a Tolkien character married a kitchen utensil. I'm in love with you.

Jerry:Hello, yes, this is Jerry Gergich. Yes, G-E-R-G-I-C-H. My address? 1247 Elm Street, Pawnee, Indiana. My social security number? Sure, it's 043-29-1847. You need my mother's maiden name? That's Garfunkel. My PIN? It's 1234. Wait, should I not be giving you this information?

April:I'm going to make a donation so large and so public that everyone will know I'm generous and thoughtful.

April:Just kidding, I'm going to donate nothing and tell everyone it was your idea to ask me.

April:It's like that scene in The Ring where the girl has seven days to live. Except you have seven days to find another donor, and if you don't, you die. Metaphorically. Your event dies.

Tom:Yo, yo, yo! We just crushed that fundraising goal! That's what I'm talking about!

Tom:Tom Haverford in the house! Dropping knowledge, dropping dollars, dropping beats!

Tom:I'm the fundraising king, the money-making thing, hear my cash register cha-ching!

April:I'm only doing this because I want to win and have it be really obvious that I won, so that everyone knows that I'm better than them.

Tom:Okay, what about 'The Gutter King'?

Tom:No, no, no... 'Strikes of Our Lives'?

Tom:How about 'Tparker Posey'? Wait, that's taken.

Tom:What if I go by 'The Bowling Inferno'?

Tom:'Bowlzart' — Mozart, but bowling.

Tom:Okay, I got it: 'Sir Bowls-a-Lot, Duke of Strikeonia, Protector of the Pins.'

Tom:What about 'T-Dawg'? Or 'Tommy Tubular'? 'The Tomster'? 'T-Money'?

Donna:Tom.

Tom:Yeah?

Donna:No one cares.

Donna:Your nickname is Tom.

Tom:Tom? That's perfect. That's the best nickname I've ever heard. Tom. I love it. Thank you, Donna. This is amazing.

Derek:Wait, weren't you at the focus group yesterday?

Leslie:No. No, I wasn't.

Derek:You were definitely there. You were very vocal about municipal parking.

Leslie:I think you have me confused with someone else. I've never even been to a focus group. I don't know what those are.

Derek:You asked for a second helping of the snack mix.

Leslie:That wasn't me. I'm very opposed to snack mix. On principle.

Ron:I have no use for your fancy techniques. Bowling is about one thing and one thing only: throwing a heavy ball down a wooden lane. Everything else is just noise.

Leslie:Okay, okay, I'm just gonna be cool about this. Real casual.

Leslie:You know what, bowling ball? You're not even that round.

Leslie:Your holes are weird and small, and frankly, I've seen better grip patterns on a basketball.

Leslie:So good luck with that, you beautiful, stupid sphere.

Leslie:Did you see that?! I threw it so hard, I thought for sure... Oh my God, it went right in the gutter.

Ron:Leslie, I'm going to give you some advice that I wish someone had given me when I was your age. When you realize you're bad at something, stop doing it in public.

Ben:Leslie, why are you so obsessed with this one person?

Leslie:Because Ben, if you care about the big picture, you have to care about every individual picture that makes up that big picture. And if you don't care about the small pictures, then the big picture is just a bunch of small pictures you don't care about, which means you don't actually care about the big picture at all. So really, by obsessing over this one person, I'm caring about the big picture more than anyone.

Leslie:I promise I'll treat Derek exactly like everyone else.

Leslie:I've created a color-coded spreadsheet tracking his coffee preferences, work patterns, and optimal moments for 'spontaneous' encounters. I'll casually mention his interests in group settings to boost his confidence, then subtly guide conversations toward topics where he'll shine. I'm also scheduling strategic compliments for Tuesdays and Thursdays when his mood typically dips.

Leslie:WHOA, 'THAR' SHE BOWLS.

Derek:Do you have scoliosis?

Leslie:No, I'm just being ca-sual.

Leslie:Wait, you love wings? I'm shocked. I thought you hated wings.

Leslie:Actually, no, that makes total sense. Of course you love wings.

Derek:Why are you mad? You just bowled a strike.

Leslie:Because I'm not supposed to be good at things! I'm supposed to be quirky and lovable and a little bit of a mess. My therapist says I have a fear of success because my dad never validated me, and my mom was too busy with her horses.

Leslie:Here you go, Derek. A nice cold beer.

Derek:Thanks, Leslie.

Leslie:You know, this beer is brewed in a small town in Belgium, right between where they make chocolate and where they make waffles.

Derek:Wait, is that a reference to something?

Leslie:What? No. I mean, maybe. I don't know what you're talking about.

Leslie:I watch lots of normal TV. Regular person TV.

Ron:Tom, I know you're excited about your bowling score, but I need you to listen to me very carefully. You are a man. Act like one.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you see that? I think I just bowled a perfect game!

Tom:Wait... that ball just went straight into the gutter. How is that possible?

April:Hi, I'm calling to ask if you'd like to donate to the Parks and Recreation Department. We do stuff like... maintain parks. And recreation. Anyway, it doesn't really matter if you donate or not. We'll probably be fine. Or we won't be. Either way, I'll still be here tomorrow doing this exact same thing.

Andy:Hey there, friend! This is Andy Dwyer calling from the Parks Department, and boy oh boy, do I have a opportunity for you! You know what my pappy used to say? He said, 'Andy, money is just like a beautiful woman – you gotta treat it real nice or it'll run off with a banker.' Now that don't make no sense, but it sounds real good! So whatcha say, partner? You gonna help us out or are you gonna be one of them fancy city folk who don't care about parks?

Ben:Hi Mrs. Henderson, this is Ben Wyatt calling from the Parks Department. We're raising funds for the new community center and I was wondering if you'd be interested in making a donation?

Mrs. Henderson:Well, my husband and I have been having some issues lately.

Ben:I'm sorry to hear that, but maybe the community center could be a place where you two—

Mrs. Henderson:He never listens to me. He's always on his phone. We haven't been intimate in months.

Ben:Um, I think you might need to talk to a professional about that.

Mrs. Henderson:You seem like a good listener, Ben. What do you think I should do?

Ben:I really think a marriage counselor would be better equipped to—

Mrs. Henderson:Should I leave him?

Ben:I'm just trying to raise money for a community center.

Donna:You know what? You're going to be great. You're going to be so great, you're going to be... great.

Leslie:Derek, that was an amazing bowling performance. You really knocked it out of the park. Or should I say, you knocked the pins out of the... pins place. You're like the LeBron James of bowling, if LeBron James bowled. Which he probably does. Do you think LeBron bowls?

Leslie:Norma Rae is this classic film from 1979 about a working-class woman in North Carolina who stands up to her employer and becomes a labor activist. It's incredibly inspiring and Sally Field won an Oscar for her performance. It's a really important movie about workers' rights and—

Leslie:You know what, never mind, it doesn't matter.

Derek:TRY NOT TO BREAK A NAIL.

Leslie:Oh, wow! That was a real zinger, Derek! You really got me there!

Leslie:Sexism is hilarious!

Ben:Don't fixate on one pin. You gotta see the whole lane.

Leslie:That's actually genius advice for campaign strategy. Don't fixate on one demographic—see the whole electorate.

Derek:Hey Ben, get me a beer.

Ben:I'm not a waiter, Derek. I work in government.

Derek:Yeah, so get me a beer.

Leslie:Derek, Ben works here now. He's part of the Parks Department.

Derek:Wait, Ben? Your husband Ben?

Leslie:Yes! And it's great because now we get to spend all day together doing what we love — public service!

Ben:We actually try to avoid each other during work hours.

Leslie:But when we do see each other, it's super romantic. We once made eye contact by the vending machine. Very charming.

Chris:I wanted to ask Jerry for his blessing before I proposed to Ann.

Jerry:My blessing?

Chris:Well, actually, I wanted to ask Ann's father for his blessing.

Chris:Octagonal houses are statistically proven to have 12% fewer negative energy vortexes. It's science.

Jerry:Why don't you take your break in the living room?

Chris:That's a great idea, Jerry. You're really thinking outside the box here. This is the kind of initiative that gets people promoted.

Jerry:I'm so excited about moving in with you, Chris. I've never lived with anyone before.

Chris:Well, you're going to love it. We'll have so much fun together.

Jerry:I know. I've been practicing my roommate skills. I alphabetized your spice rack and color-coded your socks by shade and thread count.

Chris:Jerry, that's... a lot.

Jerry:(whispering) I also replaced all your regular light bulbs with full-spectrum ones so you'd have better mood lighting. And I laminated a chore chart.

Ron:I'm very angry.

Tom:I have sustained a devastating injury to my bowling wrist. This is serious. I may never bowl again. My career in casual recreational sports is over.

Jerry:You bowled one frame.

Tom:One frame! That's all it takes. One frame to change your life forever.

Ron:Why are you still talking?

Tom:Ron, I know what this is about. You're jealous because I bowled a 147 and you've never broken 100.

Ron:Tom, I don't care about your bowling score.

Tom:That's exactly what someone who's jealous would say.

Ron:Tom, you're like a bird that's been shot. You just keep flying in circles, getting worse.

Tom:That's not helping, Ron.

Ron:I'm not trying to help. I'm trying to describe what I'm witnessing.

Leslie:So Derek, I'm just gonna level with you. I need your vote. What do you say? You gonna help me out? We cool? That's tight. Fo' shizzle?

Derek:...What?

Leslie:I said fo' shizzle. It means 'for sure.' I'm hip. I'm with it.

Derek:Look, I appreciate what you're doing for the parks, but you're not getting my vote. Honestly, you're kind of annoying. You talk too much, you're always trying too hard, and you make me uncomfortable.

Leslie:I'm actually really good at bowling. I have a 147 average.

Derek:That's not even a real thing.

Leslie:It is! A 147 average means I bowl a 147 on average!

Derek:No one has ever bowled a 147.

Leslie:I have! Multiple times! Why won't you believe me?

Leslie:Ron, I need your advice on something.

Ron:I'm listening.

Leslie:What do you think I should do about this situation?

Derek:I don't care what Ron thinks.

Ben:Everyone, this is Derek. He's... here.

Ben:Oh, Leslie, I'd like to introduce you to the concept of irony.

Leslie:Oh, Ben, I'd like to introduce you to the concept of shut your mouth.

Tom:Thank you so much for the twenty dollars.

Tom:You know what? For someone like you, I could set you up with a platinum package. That's only four hundred and ninety-five dollars.

Tom:Or, if you're really serious about this, we have our diamond level, which is twenty-five hundred.

Tom:That gets you a custom leather portfolio, a pen that costs more than your car, and my personal cell phone number so you can call me whenever you want business advice.

Andy:Yeah, so... I should probably go. My dog is really upset about something.

Andy:I can tell because he's making that face where he's mad at me.

April:That's the worst moonwalk I've ever seen. Michael Jackson is rolling in his grave. Probably moonwalking.

Andy:I have no idea what you're talking about. A song is a song. If it's catchy, it's good. That's it. That's the whole thing.

Leslie:Ha! In your face! I am the bowling champion! I am the queen of the lanes! Bow before me, peasants!

Ben:Leslie, you're being really unsportsmanlike right now.

Leslie:I don't care! I won fair and square, and now I get to rub it in all of your faces for the rest of eternity!

Leslie:Oh my God, Derek, that's amazing! You got a strike! Well, technically it's a spare, but for you, that might as well be a strike. I'm so proud of you!

April:I have the ability to sense when people are about to receive bad news. I'm sensing it right now. You're about to get bad news.

Derek:YEAH, I'LL JUST WRITE IN 'BITCH.'

Leslie:That was amazing! Ben, you just punched Derek! I've never been more attracted to you!

Ben:Pew pew! Pew pew pew!

Leslie:Ben, what are you doing?

Ben:I'm just... practicing my gun sounds for the Sweetums presentation.

Leslie:By making them right now? In the middle of the office?

Ben:Would you rather I do it unprepared?

Leslie:Let's just put down that Ben was 'aggressively volunteering' and Derek got in the way of his fist.

Tom:Hey buddy, how ya doing? You feeling okay? You need anything? Water? Juice? A little snack?

Ben:Tom, I'm fine. It's just a minor injury.

Tom:Oh, so you think you're tough? Let me tell you something — I am also injured. We're injury buddies now. We're bonded for life.

Tom:Does somebody need a boo-boo kiss?

Tom:Hey man, I get it. You're hurting. I once sprained my wrist trying to open a bottle of Cristal with my teeth.

Ben:That is not the same thing at all.

Ben:And the winner of this year's fundraising competition is... April Ludgate!

April:What? I didn't even try.

Ben:I know. That's what makes this so impressive.

Andy:That's my wife! April won the contest! Woo!

Tom:I bowl one-handed. It's a power move.

Tom:Ow, my shoulder.

April:Oh wow, Tom, that was incredible. I've never seen someone fake an injury with such authenticity. You should really consider a career in theater. Or mime. You'd be perfect at mime.

Leslie:What if instead we went with 'Pawnee: A City on the Rise'? No wait, 'Pawnee: Rising to the Occasion'? Or 'Pawnee: We're Not Terrible'?

Ben:Do you need more whipped cream?

Leslie:No. No, I don't. I need to stop. I need to have some self-control. I need to think about my body.

Leslie:Okay, I lied. Yes. All of it. Give me all of the whipped cream.

Leslie:I don't eat whipped cream. I never have, I never will.

Leslie:I would like to formally request whipped cream.

Chris:Ann and I have decided to end our relationship.

Chris:But I have to say, I'm feeling really good about it. This is a new chapter. A fresh start. I'm gonna focus on my health, my career, my personal growth. You know what? I'm gonna run a half-marathon. I'm gonna read more books. I'm gonna learn to play guitar. Life is full of infinite possibilities!

Chris:I'm going to look at this breakup as a positive opportunity for growth.

April:Cool.

April:Chris, they're nosebleed seats. You don't need to thank me like I gave you a kidney.

April:The third ticket was for... excessive happiness. I was smiling too much and it was making other people uncomfortable.

April:What? Don't look at me like that. It's a real thing.

Leslie:Derek called me 'sweetie' at the press conference, which is offensive. Then he called me 'honey,' which is more offensive. And then he called me 'chief,' which is the most offensive of all.

Leslie:Ben didn't do anything wrong. He's the most ethical person I know. I mean, I've seen him naked and he doesn't even have the decency to be ashamed about his body, which I respect. Also, we've been intimate numerous times—

Leslie:—I'm gonna stop talking now.

Derek:I'm not racist, I have a black friend.

Derek:Wait, no I don't.

Leslie Knope:I'm going to build a wall around Pawnee and make the raccoons pay for it.

Focus Group Member 1:Leslie, you're so tough. You don't take crap from anybody.

Focus Group Member 2:Yeah, we really respect that about you.

Focus Group Member 3:So when that guy cut me off in traffic yesterday, I was thinking... could you maybe break his legs?

Ben:Yeah, I'll punch someone over earrings.

Ron:I'm going to the bowling alley. I enjoy the undeniable mathematics of knocking pins down with a ball.

Ron:Dear God. I have never seen anything so beautiful in my life.

Ron:No. That ball will never see the light of day. It stays in my house, in a glass case, in a room to which I alone have the key. I check on it once a year, and I let no one else know that it exists.