Bowling For Votes

ALL THE THINGS MAKE ME FEEL A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT MYSELF.

SHE'S KINDA SHORT, DON'T YOU THINK? AGGRESSIVELY SHORT ALMOST. IT'S LIKE SHE'S THROWING IT IN MY FACE.

INSIGHTFUL.

SHE DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU COULD GO BOWLING WITH

WHAT? THAT'S RIDICULOUS. I AM EXCELLENT AT BOWLING. ASK RON.

I'M JUST REMINDING MYSELF TO TELL RON TO TELL YOU HOW GOOD I AM AT BOWLING.

I ONCE KNEW A LESLIE, AND, UH, SHE WAS JUST AWFUL. SO NOW I HATE ALL LESLIES. WOULD SHE CONSIDER CHANGING HER NAME?

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES A FUN TUG-OF-WAR WITH A DOG OVER A CHEW TOY TURNED CONTENTIOUS. ONE OF US ALWAYS ENDS UP MAD.

I DID SOME RESEARCH TOO ABOUT THE GUY WHO SAID THE THING ABOUT ME AND BOWLING, AND HIS NAME IS DEREK.

AND GET THIS--HE'S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD OF A BOWLER. HIS AVERAGE IS 132, ACCORDING TO THE MOST RECENT AVAILABLE DATA.

OH, MY GOD.

WOULD THEY DEIGN TO SAY SUCH THINGS TO WOODROW WILSON OR BENJAMIN DISRAELI-- OKAY, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

NO, I DON'T THINK I BELIEVE YOU. IS THERE ANYONE I CAN ASK?

YEAH. ASK RON.

OH, I DON'T KNOW, JERRY. IT'S SUNDAY NIGHT, I'M MAKING PHONE CALLS TO STRANGERS, AND YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE. MY LIFE COULDN'T BE WORSE.

LET'S GET THIS PHONE PARTY STARTED.

NO.

NO ONE'S THINKING THAT.

I KINDA WAS.

OH, MY GOD. I COULD USE THAT FOR A ROMANTIC NIGHT WITH MILLICENT GERGICH. OUT OF MY WAY, SUCKERS.

AS CITY MANAGER, I PLAY NO FAVORITES. BUT AS A PRIVATE CITIZEN, I AM FREE TO SUPPORT WHOMEVER I CHOOSE, AND I CHOOSE TO SUPPORT TEAM KNOPE 'CAUSE THEY'RE THE BEST. EVERYBODY'S THE BEST. WE'RE ALL WINNERS.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO LOOK LAID-BACK.

THIS BOWLING ALLEY HAS MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT IN PAWNEE.

WHEN I EAT, IT IS THE FOOD THAT IS SCARED.

THAT IS LITERALLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NAME I HAVE EVER HEARD.

I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY YOU WOULD NEED MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, BUT--WELL, YEAH, NO. YOU'RE RIGHT. I GUESS IT COULDN'T HURT TO GIVE IT TO YOU. IT'S 210--

[creepy voice] I'M CALLING FROM INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. I CANNOT BE STOPPED. * COME ON NOW GET SOME MONEY * * COME ON, APRIL GET AN EARPIECE * * COME ON DO IT *

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT PRIZE, BUT I'M GONNA WIN BECAUSE I WANT HIS HAPPINESS TO GO AWAY.

TYPE IN 'T REX' FOR ME. NO, NO, NO. UM, 'T-BOZ.' WAIT, WAIT. 'TOMMY TSUNAMI.' NO, 'TICKY TICKY TOM-TOM.' NO, 'FLY GUY.'

I WROTE 'TOM.'

CLASSIC. TIMELESS. I LOVE IT.

OH, I WOULDN'T KNOW. I'M NEVER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS WITH THOSE THINGS.

STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. NO HOOK, NO SPIN, NO FUSS. ANYTHING MORE AND THIS BECOMES FIGURE SKATING.

COME ON, BIG GIRL. LET'S KNOCK THESE LITTLE PINS DOWN.

OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

SON, PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU.

I'M THINKING ABOUT THE BIG PICTURE. I'M TRYING TO MAKE THE PICTURE BIGGER BY INCLUDING THIS GUY IN IT.

I'LL JUST SAY HI TO HIM, SHAKE HIS HAND, BUY A HIM A FEW BEERS, SHARE A FEW LAUGHS, BOWL A FEW FRAMES, LOSE INTENTIONALLY TO MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD, FRIEND HIM ON FACEBOOK. AND BY THE END OF THE NIGHT, HE WILL BE MINE.

WHOA, 'THAR' SHE BOWLS.

OH, NO. NO, I'M JUST-- I'M JUST BEING CAS.

REALLY? WHO KNEW? I KNEW.

THAT'S HOW I MOTIVATE MYSELF, YOU KNOW? NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.

THESE BEERS ARE AS COLD AS THE TUKTOYAKTUK WINTER ROAD.

YOU WATCH ICE ROAD TRUCKERS? YEAH, DUDE. IT'S MY GUILTY PLEASURE.

TOM, I'M ASKING YOU AS A MAN TO STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY.

WHAT THE [bleep]?

NO, MIRA, MIRA, MIRA, MIRA, MIRA. IT'S, LIKE, WHATEVER YOU WANT. LIKE, $10. IT DON'T MATTER.

[southern accent] WELL, I RECKON IT'S JUST LIKE GRAMMY MARTHA TOLD ME AND MY COUSINS, 'YOU CAN'T EAT THE BISCUITS IF YOU DON'T PAY FOR THE FLOUR.'

PUT THE PHONE DOWN, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, AND THEN YOU ARE GOING TO TELL STEVEN THAT YOU WILL BE TREATED WITH RESPECT, OKAY?

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I JUST WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD THAT'S A BETTER PLACE, AND YOUR CONTRIBUTION WILL DEFINITELY HELP US GET THERE, TO THE... [sighs] BETTER-PLACE WORLD, FRED.

MAN, MOVE OVER, PINS. THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN. YOU ARE SO DOWN WITH STRIKES, THEY SHOULD CALL YOU NORMA RAE.

WHO'S THAT? IT'S A... SALLY FIELD MOVIE ABOUT UNIONS. DOESN'T MATTER.

TRY NOT TO BREAK A NAIL.

AH, CLASSIC DEREK WITH THE ZINGS. MAN, THAT'S WHAT BOWLING IS ALL ABOUT--HEY.

I REALIZE THAT, BUT I WILL KNOCK DOWN THIS PIN, AND THEN THIS PIN WILL KNOCK DOWN ALL THE OTHER PINS.

I-- I DON'T WORK HERE.

CLASSIC DEREK.

I AM GOING TO ASK MILLICENT GERGICH TO MOVE IN WITH ME. D-I--I MEAN, IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU OF COURSE, JERRY.

I'VE DONE SOME READING, AND AN OCTAGON IS THE OPTIMAL SHAPE FOR A HOME IN TERMS OF ENERGY FLOW.

JERRY, I LOVE IT WHEN YOU PULL RANK.

MILLI'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH CHRIS.

I AM VERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

MY FINGER WAS IN THERE. RON CRUSHED MY FINGER. I THINK IT MIGHT BE BROKEN.

ARE YOU A FEMALE BIRD?

YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE. YOU'RE JEALOUS OF MY GIFT.

COME ON, TWEETY BIRD, LET'S GET YOU SOME ICE.

FOR REALS, CAN I COUNT ON YOUR VOTE?

I DON'T LIKE YOU, OKAY?

I AM A REALLY GOOD BOWLER. ASK RON.

I DON'T KNOW WHO RON IS.

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY GOOD FRIEND, ANYONE ELSE.

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE DEREK'S ASS TO MY FOOT.

$20? THANK YOU. UH, YOU KNOW, WE'RE REALLY LOOKING FOR DONATIONS MORE IN THE $10,000 RANGE.

WHAT, CHAMPION? YOU NEED TO GO OUTSIDE NOW? COME ON. THAT A BOY. SORRY, HE'S-- HATES AWKWARD SITUATIONS.

TERRIBLE MOONWALK.

DON'T CARE.

YEAH, WHAT'S UP NOW, HUH?

AW, YOU GOT A SPARE. THAT'S SO CUTE.

I WISHED FOR HIS HAPPINESS TO GO AWAY. I MIGHT BE A WIZARD.

YEAH, I'LL JUST WRITE IN 'BITCH.'

THAT WAS AWESOME.

I HAVE A LOT OF ADRENALINE RIGHT NOW.

DID YOU WRITE DOWN HOW AWESOME IT WAS?

WOW, YOU AND ME, HUH? HURT 'FINGIES.'

NO, NO, TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT INJURIES.

APRIL WINS TWO TICKETS TO THE PAWNEE MONO-PLEX.

[laughs] YES. THAT'S MY WIFE.

WHOO! KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME. OW, MY 'FINGIE' STILL HURTS.

OH, THE BRAVERY. THE PERSEVERANCE. YOU'RE AN AMERICAN HERO.

WELL, THE HEADLINE I WOULD'VE GONE WITH IS 'NO-STRIKE-BOWLING BOWLER STRUCK BY KNOPE'S STRIKING BEAU.'

NOT TODAY. I DON'T DESERVE IT.

BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I DO NEED MORE WHIPPED CREAM. MA'AM.

WELL, AS YOU MAY KNOW, MILLICENT GERGICH ENDED OUR RELATIONSHIP LAST NIGHT, WHICH WAS DISAPPOINTING. BUT HERE'S WHY IT MAY BE THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED.

YEAH, GOOD POINT.

THEY'RE MOVIE TICKETS, CHRIS. THEY'RE, LIKE, 8 BUCKS. IT'S A GESTURE.

I BOUGHT ANOTHER ONE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE YOU, ME, AND ANDY COULD GO TO THE MOVIES SOMETIME. JUST TAKE THE STUPID TICKETS. I'M JUST TRYING TO BE NICE.

AND HE CALLED ME BY MY SECOND LEAST FAVORITE TERM FOR A WOMAN

AND MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER AND I MADE OUT A LOT AFTERWARD. AH, I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT.

I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE BEING KIND OF A BITCH RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU DO NOT VOTE FOR ME, MY BOYFRIEND MIGHT BEAT YOU UP.

YEAH, THAT GUY SAID HE DIDN'T LIKE MY EARRINGS. GO PUNCH HIM.

SURE.

SON OF A BITCH.

I WAS NEVER HERE, AND YOU WILL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.