Media Blitz

Ron:I found something special. Something truly remarkable. This is the kind of discovery that changes a man's life.

Other Character:Ron, that's a broken desk lamp from a dumpster.

Ron:A broken desk lamp from a dumpster that somebody didn't want anymore. Do you know what that means? It means it's free. And anything free is worth ten times what you paid for it.

Ron:I found a 1952 Hermes 3000 typewriter on electronicbay.com for a reasonable price.

Leslie:Ron, it's eBay. E-B-A-Y.

Ron:That's what I said. Electronicbay.com.

Ron Swanson:I don't understand why everyone keeps complaining about my typewriter. It's a beautiful machine.

Leslie Knope:Ron, you've been typing the same memo for three hours. And it's just the word 'no' repeated 47 times.

Ron Swanson:Efficient communication.

Jerry Gergich:My ears are bleeding.

Dr. Harris:That's acute acoustic trauma.

Ron:I'm typing threats to protect my typewriter.

Ron:I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America.

Ron:Megaphone. Monday.

Ron:I've been compiling a list of words that should be permanently removed from the English language. Words like 'moist,' 'tender,' and 'ponder.'

Ron:However, I've decided to add one more word to that list.

Ron:And that word is... well, let me just say it involves a four-letter word that rhymes with 'duck,' followed by 'taco.'

Ben:Actually, it was 47 percent, not 48.

Tom:Oh wow, Ben Wyatt everybody. The man who can tell you the exact percentage of his own irrelevance.

Ben:I'm very precise with my words.

Tom:Oh, you're very precise with your words? That's great. I'm very precise with my words too. We're both very precise. We're precision guys.

Leslie:I've been manifesting a call from Oprah using The Secret. I made a vision board, I wrote affirmations, I even burned sage in the shape of her face. The universe is listening. Any day now, Oprah's going to call me and we're going to talk about my initiative.

Leslie:We have two radio hosts here today. First, we have Harris, and then we have... The Douche.

Leslie:Crazy Ira and The Douche are actually really talented. They're just as good as some of the other radio personalities out there.

Leslie:I mean, they're no worse than Imus or Stern or any of those guys.

Chris:You know, the key to optimal physical fitness is maintaining a consistent regimen with proper form, adequate hydration, and a balanced macronutrient intake. I've been tracking my metrics for seventeen years and—

April:If you say one more thing about your metrics, I'm leaving.

Chris:April, I'd like to offer you a position in my office.

April:What are the benefits?

Chris:Well, we have a 401k, health insurance, paid time off—

April:Do you have internet?

Chris:Yes, of course.

April:I'm in.

Andy:What was that meeting about?

April:Oh, we were just discussing the upcoming town hall and how we need to increase budget allocation for squirrel prevention. Apparently we've had seventeen confirmed squirrel incidents this month alone. It's a real crisis. They're getting bolder.

April:Andy is dumb. Like, really dumb. He's so dumb that he makes other dumb people feel smart. He's dumb-dumb. And not like a fun dumb, like a dumb dumb. Like a dumb stop.

Crazy Ira:Because in space, no one can hear you fart.

The Douche:That's one small step for man, one giant... PRRRRIIIIIP for mankind.

Crazy Ira:We're changing your name to Haverfart.

Tom:What? No!

Crazy Ira:Too late, Haverfart. That's your name now.

Crazy Ira:So you and your boyfriend—

The Douche:Your mom.

The Douche:Hey, it's Ira's mom. I'm so proud of my son. He's doing so well with his business ventures.

The Douche:You know what I love about the fall? Hay rides.

The Douche:Hey, ride me.

April:You need a permit to post missing bird signs.

Citizen:But it's a missing bird. It can fly. By the time I post signs, it'll be in another state.

April:Then I don't see why you need the signs.

Andy:I eat nails for breakfast.

April:Without milk?

Andy:Okay, okay, I got this. I'm a professional permit clerk now.

Henry:Dad, watch this!

Andy:Ow! Hey, what are you—ow! Not there! Henry, stop!

Henry:You said you were a professional!

Andy:A professional at permits, not at being repeatedly kicked in the groin!

Ron:I don't care about April's relationship. What she does in her personal time is her business.

Ron:But if she leaves this department, I will lose the world's worst assistant, and frankly, I've grown accustomed to her face.

Crazy Ira:We did some research on Ben Wyatt using AltaVista.

Roger Refrigerator:Yeah, we found out he's a nerd.

Radio Host:Come on, Ben, just tell us the name of the project.

Radio Host:What was it called?

Ben:It was called the Cones of Dunshire.

Ben:Get away from her, you bitch!

Tom:You know what? A calculator wearing sunglasses would be more personable than you right now.

Ben:So, uh, Pawnee has a lot of... cars. People drive them. On the roads. Which is where cars go.

Ben:Some of them are red. Or blue. Or... the other colors that cars can be.

Chris:Ann, I need to tell you something important. Something I've been holding back.

Ann:What is it, Chris?

Chris:Your apartment has terrible feng shui. The energy in here is completely blocked. You need to rearrange everything immediately.

Ann:That's what you were being so mysterious about?

Chris:The chi is stagnant, Ann. Stagnant!

Ann:Okay, you can rearrange my furniture.

Chris:Really? This is the best day of my life!

Ann:Yeah, just... try not to move things too much.

Chris:I'm going to move EVERYTHING.

Ann:Okay.

Chris:Your couch is going against that wall!

Ann:Sure.

Chris:Your bed is going in the living room!

Ann:That's fine.

Chris:I'm painting your walls a different color!

Ann:Whatever you want.

Chris:Ann... are you okay?

Ann:I don't even know who I am anymore.

Joan:Well, I guess you could say this conversation is really... ear-iting. Get it? Corn? Because corn has ears?

Joan:And I'm not trying to be un-beet-able with these puns, but I think I'm really crop-ping up with good material.

Joan:You're not laughing. I guess you could say the vibe is getting a little... stalky. Stalk? Corn stalk?

Joan:Lettuce just agree these are gourd puns. Get it? Like the gourds you use in fall decorations?

Leslie:We're colleagues with benefits.

Leslie:You know, we work together and we get health insurance, dental, a 401k...

Andy:Dear Mrs. Johnson, thank you for the lovely gift—

April:That's Mr. Johnson. He's a man.

Andy:Right, right. Dear Mr. Johnson, thank you for the lovely gift. Your generosity means so much to me and my wife.

April:He's not married.

Andy:Okay. Dear Mr. Johnson, thank you for the lovely gift. As a fellow man, I appreciate your manly generosity.

April:Why would you say that?

Andy:Because he's a man!

Andy:Dear Mrs. Henderson, thank you for the lovely gift of the casserole dish.

Andy:Actually, it was a serving platter.

Andy:Wait, no, a decorative bowl. A decorative bowl shaped like a duck.

Andy:The duck is blue. No, green. It's definitely green and it quacks when you press it.

Andy:Which is weird because I don't think ducks are supposed to quack at that pitch. That's more of a seagull sound.

Andy:Anyway, thank you for the rubber seagull. We love it.

Tom:Hey Perd, you ever see RoboCop? You're like RoboCop, but instead of being part man, part machine, you're part man, part... news.

Perd:That's the worst thing anyone's ever said to me.

Tom:That's not what RoboCop says. He says 'Dead or alive, you're coming with me.'

Ben:Actually, he says 'Dead or alive, you're coming with me' in the first film, but in RoboCop 2 and 3 the line is slightly different depending on—

Tom:Ben. Ben, no. I was just trying to make a cool action movie reference to seem impressive. You don't need to correct me.

Ben:I'm just saying, if you're going to reference something, you should get it right.

Tom:That's not the point! The point was to seem cool, not to be accurate about 1980s sci-fi action cinema!

Tom:Garbage? This is OshKosh B'Gosh. It's a children's clothing line, but it's very durable.

Andy:Okay, I'm going to photograph 'melancholy.' What does melancholy look like?

April:A chair.

Andy:A sad chair. Got it.

Andy:I'm sorry, floor. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you by standing on you.

Pawnee Citizen:I want a foot massage from Andy.

Andy Dwyer:Okay, let me see your feet.

Pawnee Citizen:Well, I have this really bad corn on my big toe. It's huge and yellow and kind of looks like a little baby chicken is trying to peck its way out of my foot.

Tom:Yeah, so there's this new roller coaster at the carnival. But here's the thing – you have to be fat enough to ride it. Like, you need to meet a minimum weight requirement. It's the opposite of every other ride.

Ben:I have something I need to confess. When I was seven years old, I wore my mom's wedding dress to school for show and tell.

Ben:I... I can see them. The birds. They're everywhere. They're watching me.

Police Officer:So you're telling me you were alone in the woods at midnight with a shovel?

Andy:Yes, but I was just burying something!

Police Officer:...

Andy:I mean, it was just a dead body—I mean, a dead animal! A dead animal body!

Tom:Joan! You look amazing. You're like a less angry Jennifer Aniston.

Joan:Less angry? Jennifer Aniston's not angry.

Tom:I know. That's why I said you're like a less angry version of her. You're angrier than Jennifer Aniston.

Tom:Will you marry me?

Joan:Are you serious?

Tom:Yeah, I thought you were Heidi Klum.

Joan:I'm not Heidi Klum.

Tom:Well, you're married to Seal, right?

Joan:No, that's Heidi Klum.

Ron:When you fish, you don't think about the fish's feelings. The fish doesn't think about your feelings. You both just respect each other, and the best fish have a big, lovable fish heart.

Ann:This tastes like dirt.

Chris:It does. But it's nutrient-dense dirt.

Ben:Look, I get it. You want me to respond to every single criticism on social media. But have you seen Pawnee's internet infrastructure? We're still using computers from 2003. I can't even load Twitter without the whole system crashing. So you'll have to forgive me if I'm not exactly racing to engage with every troll on the internet when I can barely send an email without the servers catching fire.

Ben:Who hasn't done something dumb at 18?

Joan:I slept with my history teacher.

Tom:Perd Hapley, more like Turd Crapley.