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I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster. An old Underwood 5 with original carriage return.

Took her home, polished her up and bought a brand new ribbon off of electronicbay.com

Somebody has got to do something. I'm getting a cluster headache.

What is he typing, anyway? 'If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter, I'll kill you.'

I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America.

Megaphone. Monday.

Butthole.

Boy, 35%? It's actually 34.2%. '34.2%.' I'm Ben, the numbers robot.

It's just an exact calculation. 'It's just an exact calculation.' All right.

Well, I tried to call Oprah. I couldn't get her number. I'm putting it out there, like The Secret. And hopefully, she'll call me.

Crazy Ira and... The Douche.

So much better than Tubby Tony and the Papaya. Am I right?

This feels almost perfect, but I don't think your core has maximized elasticity. Okay. I'll come back, if you guys are being weird.

That sounds boring. But I have nothing keeping me here. Do you have Internet in your office? Yes. Fine, I'll do it.

It turns out Chris is my real dad.

Unless Andy can un-kiss Ann, then I'm not going to change my mind. But if he wants to take my dumb sister to her dumb dance class, then I'm not going to dumb stop him.

You know why I'd never be an astronaut? Two words. Space farts. You can't roll down the window of the shuttle. Am I right, folks?

Houston, we have a... What do you think about that, Neil Armstrong? That's one small [fart] for man, one giant [fart] for mankind.

Tom 'Haverfart' and Ben Wyatt

You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you, Douche? That's right. To your mom.

Crazy Ira! Clean your room! There's also going to be hay rides. 'Hey, ride me,' is what Crazy Ira's mom said.

My bird is missing. I need a permit to post signs. There's no time! He can fly!

I eat 'running the permits desk for an hour' for breakfast.

Physical comedy of child hitting Andy in the groin repeatedly

I would never be able to find a worse assistant.

We're looking him up on AltaVista.

Ice Town.

Game over, man. Game over.

We should just slap a pair of Ray-Bans on a calculator, because that would be way more charming.

There are a lot of cars. I mean, not too many. Trucks and stuff. But, you know...

I want to define your bagua. It's a feng shui term. The energy in this house is a little stale.

I'm not really attached to the way this stuff is arranged. Or the stuff itself. Or this house, even, really.

Harvest Festival more like 'Harvest Bestival.' They've planted the seeds, and now, they're harvesting the rewards. They'll put the fun in funnel cake.

We are colleagues with benefits. We're colleagues who benefit from the fact that we're also friends.

Dear April's grandmother... I said grandfather. You are a beautiful and amazing woman... Man. I hope someday, I can become half the woman you are... He's a man.

Thank you for the $500... It was $5. Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD... He is deaf.

Hey, Perd. Was your dad RoboCop? Because your arms are guns.

RoboCop didn't have guns for arms. Oh, my God. That's so not the point, you nerd.

Because Brooks Brothers Boys doesn't make garbage.

Boom. A sad desk. Boom. Sad wall.

Sorry for stepping on you, floor.

I have got a corn so big you could slap butter on it.

Sweetums is even building a plus-sized roller coaster for some of Pawnee's obese thrill-seekers. You must be this wide to ride.

Look. Who hasn't had gay thoughts?

Is there a bird in here? I swear, I keep seeing a bird in this studio.

Are you trying to lure this young lady into your van? Yeah. But she's being really difficult about it, and it's actually not my van.

Joan? I thought you were Jennifer Aniston filming a movie here.

If we're both still single in an hour, let's get married. Tom, I'm already married. That's right. To Seal. What? I confused you with Heidi Klum again.

When you have a fish on the line, you don't just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in or you cut him loose. Especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart.

Wow, that's disgusting. Yes, it's very hard to drink.

First of all, why does everyone in this town use AltaVista? Is it 1997?

Joan? I stole my gym teacher's husband.

More like 'Turd Crapley.'