Two Parties

Water? Like fire water? That's racist, and I do not appreciate it. No, no, no, no, no. I-I didn't mean it like that. I just meant, you know-- I'm just messing with you.

Oh, my God! He's funny. This guy's funny. He does that sometimes.

But seriously. I'll have a whiskey.

Murder-y.

Our slots are downright filthy.

Why don't we retire to my longhouse and smoke the ceremonial peace pipe to celebrate?

Is he joking? I don't know.

and anything that can be penis-shaped will be penis-shaped.

Which is why I'm stress-eating gummy penises.

The game is Settlers of Catan.

I mean, I'm nationally ranked, so it isn't even really fair.

Is this gonna be one of those cool bachelorette parties where things get out of control and we murder someone, and then we all have to take a blood oath to never reveal our secret?

Then I might have to leave early.

Don't you ladies look nice... For once?

I've actually always been attracted to this one.

Start drooling, fatties

Their burgers will kill you! They're full of wasps! Yeah, but they taste real good.

I'm still technically married, but my wife knows the deal.

Seven contiguous segments, giving me longest road and a sweet-ass ten points for the win. Oh, booyah!

Now, I know you said no strippers 'cause they make you sad.

Son, there's no wrong way to consume alcohol.

I ordered a beer. That is a beer.

May I go ahead and chisel your aromasphere?

This is the wrong way to consume alcohol.

It's a whiskey-infused lotion.

Can I ask if this entire establishment is a practical joke of some kind?

If you don't like the Scotch, they have a vodka that's served in the form of a flash of light.

Well, four years of work down the drain, and I have a penis on my head.

This is why I prefer nightmares.

Oh, this is bad. I should not have done this.

Well, if it isn't Babe Lincoln!

Looks like it's time for the Gettysburg undressed!

I'm sorry, I'm just not in the mood for historical nudity.

I sat behind you in middle school band. Do you still play the clarinet?

You never had one before you were married to Wendy? No, it was a green card wedding. I did watch the three-way sex scene from Wild Things a few times the night before, but it didn't really count.

I didn't even have time to take a shower before my wedding. Or after. For, like, a week and a half.

Tammy Two thwarted me by calling in a bomb threat to the steakhouse.

Boop! That's me hitting the snooze button. Don't talk again for another ten minutes.

and to my bride, Rihanna. We truly did find love in a hopeless place.

Shut up, Glenn.

You guys, the penis hats cut your digging time in half. I'm serious. Don't be afraid. Use the penises.

Was she ill, or did your father witness her father committing a crime? Or was she temporarily blind--

She was slender. Blonde hair, big breasts, long legs. Ugh, not my type at all.

He drops it about half the time.

then I yell at Tom Brady and make him cry, then I hook up with Dave Matthews, and we play golden tee for ten hours.

I love them like they're my own children. You're big enough to play football yourself, it looks like to me. I can't tell if you're joking, but I hope you're not.

I got married in your jersey. That's no joke. That's weird. But I respect that.

We're surrounded by hot guys. Boom! Oh, Donna just ripped off a stripper's underwear with her teeth.

Can I take a break? My hands are tired. Uhuh. We paid for an hour. You gonna dig for an hour.

Gingrich, Gergich. I wonder if we're related.

You'd be surprised.

I like her. Whoa! Wow!

Japanese, Muslim, Jewish, none of those weird countries.

Yes, please. Take extra cream, 30 sugars.

I also found some weird-looking gummy candy.

You have turned into a very beautiful, wise, and fertile government employee.

It's kind of weird when she just starts raining compliments on you, huh? Don't try to bond with me.

Usually you can only get board game t-shirts in XXL.

In 1951, Pawnee made it illegal for people to 'Dance or smell like a native American.'

He really plays white people like a fiddle. Wow. It's amazing to watch.

That is not great. It sucks.

Maybe she owns a juice bar in Snerling. Maybe it's April. Maybe I die. Skydiving explosion. Pbbbt.

And I spy on you from my red Corvette.

Why, yes, I-- I thought that was obvious.

Does it, white man?

A group of good friends having fun, doing nice things for each other. I mean, that's what's important in life, and I want to write about it.

A group of good friends having fun, doing nice things for each other. I mean, that's what's important in life, and I want to write about it.

I have thousands of seconds.

How great a day was today? Oh, God, I could die. Greatest day of my life.

How great a day was today? Oh, God, I could die. Greatest day of my life.