Two Parties

Ken Hotate:Fire water? Yes, I'll take some fire water.

Leslie Knope:Wait, you were joking?

Ken Hotate:Of course I was joking.

Leslie Knope:Oh my God, oh my God!

Tom Haverford:Ha ha ha, that's great, that's great.

Ann Perkins:Oh wow, we were so worried.

Ken Hotate:You know what? I do want alcohol. So your question wasn't entirely off-base.

Leslie Knope:Look, the historical relationship between Pawnee and the Wamapoke tribe is... well, it's not great. There was a lot of, um, murder-y stuff that happened.

Ken Hotate:Our new casino slogan is 'Come for the slots, stay for the slots.'

Ken Hotate:Why don't we retire to my longhouse and smoke the ceremonial peace pipe to celebrate?

Ken:I have a longhouse.

Leslie Knope:A longhouse?

Ken:Yes, a longhouse. It's a traditional Native American dwelling.

Ron Swanson:Ken, are you serious right now?

Ken:Completely serious.

April Ludgate:I genuinely cannot tell if he's joking.

Tom Haverford:Yeah, like, is this a thing? Does Ken have a longhouse?

Ann Perkins:So for my bachelorette party, we're going to have penis-shaped straws, penis-shaped cake, penis-shaped balloons, penis-shaped napkins, penis-shaped plates, penis-shaped cups, penis-shaped centerpieces, and a penis piñata.

Leslie Knope:Ann, that's amazing!

Ann Perkins:It's not amazing, Leslie. It's a nightmare. I just wanted a nice, tasteful party and somehow we ended up with a penis explosion.

Ann Perkins:This bachelorette party is literally the most important thing I've ever planned. It's going to be perfect.

Ann Perkins:Leslie deserves the best night of her life.

Ben Wyatt:It's just a board game

Ben Wyatt:I'm sorry, I know this is nerdy. I can put on something else if you want.

Leslie Knope:No, no, keep going.

Ben Wyatt:Really? Because I have to warn you, I'm actually really good at this.

April Ludgate:So what kind of bachelorette party are we talking about here?

Leslie Knope:Oh, just a cool party. Nothing crazy.

April Ludgate:Cool party? Leslie, the last time you threw a 'cool party' three people went to the hospital and we all had to sign blood oaths to never speak of it again.

Leslie Knope:That was one time!

April Ludgate:It was two times. And one of them involved an actual murder.

April Ludgate:So you're telling me there's no murder at this party?

April Ludgate:Well, that's disappointing.

Jeremy Jamm:You know, I have to say, you ladies are looking particularly attractive today. I mean, for women.

Jeremy Jamm:What I meant to say is... I have nothing against women in the workplace. Some of my best friends are women. In fact, I'm very progressive. I even let my wife have her own credit card.

Jeremy Jamm:Welcome to Paunch Burger. Where we don't care about your business, we just want your money. And you're fat.

Leslie Knope:You don't want to eat at Paunch Burger. Their food is really unhealthy.

Leslie Knope:Actually, it's worse than unhealthy. I'm pretty sure it's filled with insects.

Leslie Knope:These burgers could be filled with wasps and nobody would care.

Unknown citizen:Yeah, probably.

Jeremy Jamm:You know, I'm actually in an open marriage. My wife and I have an understanding.

Ben Wyatt:I'm going to build a settlement here, which gives me two victory points and access to three different resources.

Ben Wyatt:Oh! Oh! I rolled a seven! Everyone has to disband their armies! This is the best day of my life!

Ben Wyatt:Did you see that? I just got the longest road! The LONGEST ROAD! That's fifteen points of continuous pathway mastery!

Tom Haverford:We could have strippers at the bachelor party.

Ben Wyatt:No strippers. Leslie would kill me.

Tom Haverford:Come on, Ben. It's your bachelor party. Live a little.

Ben Wyatt:I'm serious, Tom. Leslie has made it very clear that if there are strippers, she will end me. And not in a fun way.

Ron Swanson:Tom, I understand you've been experimenting with some new drinking methods. That's ridiculous. The proper way to drink alcohol is to pour it into a glass, bring the glass to your mouth, and swallow. Anything beyond that is just making things complicated.

Ben Wyatt:I'll just have a regular beer, please.

Bartender:Coming right up.

Bartender:Here's your beer.

Ben Wyatt:What is this? It looks like a science experiment.

Bartender:It's a beer sphere. The flavor bursts on your tongue.

Ben Wyatt:I just wanted a normal beer in a normal glass.

Ron Swanson:There is no wrong way to drink.

Ron Swanson:Well, there is one wrong way.

Ron Swanson:Out of a bowl.

Bartender:It's served as lotion you rub on your hands

Ben Wyatt:Wait, they brought you a drink? And then another drink? Without you asking? And it kept happening?

Ben Wyatt:This has to be a prank. Someone's pranking us.

Bartender:We have alternatives to lotion Scotch. We can inject it directly into your eyeballs.

Bartender:Or we can just pour it into your ear canal and let it drip down into your brain.

Bartender:Or, if you're feeling adventurous, we can turn it into a suppository.

Leslie Knope:I'm wearing penis-themed party gear because I'm embracing my sexuality and supporting my friend's last night of freedom!

Leslie Knope:My dream is dead.

April Ludgate:I prefer nightmares. At least when you wake up from those, you're relieved.

Leslie Knope:Wait, wait, wait. I just planted that artifact in the ground so we could excavate it and make the park look historically significant. That's... that's illegal, isn't it?

Leslie Knope:Oh my God. I'm a criminal. I'm going to jail. I'm going to be somebody's prison wife.

Leslie Knope:No, no, no. I'm Jennifer Barkley's prison wife. Nobody else's.

Ann Perkins:Oh my God, is that an Abraham Lincoln stripper?

Tom Haverford:Yeah, I booked him. I call him 'Honest Babe.'

Stripper:I'm about to issue my own Emancipation Proclamation... of these abs!

Ann Perkins:Come on, live a little. You've definitely had Lincoln sex dreams.

Leslie Knope:What? No! Why would I... I mean, sure, he's tall and powerful, but...

Ann Perkins:Leslie, you literally have a portrait of Lincoln in your office.

Glenn:Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now that nation is about to see me naked.

April Ludgate:Oh my god, it's you! You were at the club last night!

Woman:Yeah, I was working.

April Ludgate:I know. I was there too. We should hang out sometime.

Tom Haverford:I never had a bachelor party because it wasn't a real marriage. Wendy needed citizenship.

Andy Dwyer:Didn't shower for over a week including the wedding

Ron Swanson:I never had a bachelor party. Tammy Two wouldn't allow it.

Ron Swanson:She said if I went to one, she'd key my car, burn my house down, and poison my dog.

Ron Swanson:I believed her.

Jerry:So at my bachelor party, we went to this club and—

Tom:Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Stop. I don't have time for your stories. Actually, you know what? I'm gonna use you as my alarm clock.

Tom:Wake me up at 6 AM tomorrow morning by doing that thing where you say something that makes no sense.

Tom Haverford:To my beautiful bride, Beyoncé. I know we've only known each other for three minutes, but I feel like this is going to work out.

Stripper:Well, actually, I think the real issue is—

Ann Perkins:Okay, we don't need your input right now.

Leslie Knope:Come on, everyone! These penis party favors are perfect for digging. Just use them like real shovels!

Ben Wyatt:Leslie, they're not actually functional tools.

Leslie Knope:Not with that attitude, Ben. Now dig!

Jerry Gergich:She's got beautiful blonde hair, perfect skin, amazing legs... but she's not really my type.

Tom Haverford:How did Jerry get Gayle? I mean, look at him. He's a disaster. Did he save her life? Does she owe him money? Is she in witness protection and he's her handler? Did they get drunk in Vegas? Is she being blackmailed? Did he win her in a poker game? Is she a robot? Did she lose a bet? Is she his prisoner?

Sherm:That's too bad, Gary.

Sherm:I'm always ready. Jerry drops his ice cream cone at least twice a week. I keep a spare in my pocket at all times.

Andy Dwyer:My ideal bachelor party would start with a pickup basketball game with Michael Jordan, then we'd go to a strip club where Dave Matthews is the DJ, then we'd somehow make Tom Brady cry, and then I'd hook up with Dave Matthews.

Andy Dwyer:Is this heaven? Did I die? Oh my God, I died! I'm in heaven!

Andy Dwyer:Wait, really? You think I could actually play in the NFL?

Jim Irsay:Well, you've certainly got the size for it.

Andy Dwyer:Oh man, this is happening. This is really happening. I'm gonna be a professional football player. I'm gonna buy a huge house, and a Ferrari, and... and I'll finally be able to afford those artisanal popsicles I've been wanting.

Andy Dwyer:I wore a football jersey to my wedding.

Reggie Wayne:That's a bold choice wearing my jersey to your own wedding. But hey, I respect the hustle.

Andy:Wait, you're not mad?

Reggie Wayne:Mad? Nah man. You're out here representing. Just maybe next time wear it under the tux, you know what I'm saying?

Ann Perkins:And then Donna showed up in a helicopter, and she was like, 'Everyone get in the helicopter!' And we all flew to this private island where we had dinner with Oprah and The Rock.

Tom:Wait, so the Lincoln impersonator we hired for the party is now doing manual labor with us?

Jerry:Yeah, he needed the work.

Ben:So the Lincoln stripper is now doing manual labor.

Jerry Gergich:Wait, did you say Gingrich? As in... Newt Gingrich?

Jerry Gergich:That's my last name. Well, not exactly, but... Do you think we might be related?

Jerry Gergich:I mean, it's possible. My family tree isn't exactly... well documented.

Ron Swanson:I went to a molecular mixology bar last week. The bartender asked me what I wanted to drink. I said 'whiskey.' He said 'what form?' I said 'liquid.' Apparently that was wrong.

Ron:I have strong feelings for Diane. She's smart, she's talented, she's beautiful, and she makes me want to be a better man.

Leslie:Ron, that's... that's really sweet.

Tom:Did Ron just say feelings? Out loud?

April:I think hell just froze over.

Ben:Ron Swanson said the word 'beautiful' about a woman. This is historic.

Ron Swanson:I would describe my feelings for Diane as... adequate.

April Ludgate:Prison is actually pretty great. You get three meals a day, a bed, and nobody bothers you. It's like a spa, but with bars and murder.

Leslie Knope:April, that's not helping.

April Ludgate:Plus, you don't have to worry about rent or your job. It's basically early retirement.

Construction worker:We haven't found any dinosaur bones, no ancient artifacts, no religious relics...

Construction worker:Basically nothing from any of the weird countries.

Construction Worker:Hey, we found something weird buried out here.

Tom Haverford:What is it?

Construction Worker:A bunch of gummy penises. They're still in the package.

Tom Haverford:Oh my God. Those are from Leslie's bachelorette party!

Ben Wyatt:How deep were they buried?

Construction Worker:About three feet down.

Tom Haverford:Leslie really committed to that party.

Leslie Knope:April, you are so smart, and capable, and funny, and beautiful, and fertile.

April Ludgate:Did you just compliment my ability to reproduce?

Leslie Knope:I did. You're welcome.

Ann:I know what you mean. Leslie's compliments can be a lot sometimes.

April:We're not friends, Ann. We will never be friends. I don't even like you.

Leslie Knope:It was illegal to smell like a Native American.

Leslie Knope:The Holocaust. Slavery. The way we treat our oceans. And... I accidentally threw away the city's only copy of the original town charter.

Tom Haverford:I have to admit something. I didn't actually vote for you for Best Non-Married Guy. I voted for Ryan Gosling.

Tom Haverford:She's gonna be a real smart, beautiful woman. She'll probably be a doctor or a lawyer. They'll have two kids together. A boy and a girl. They'll be happy. But then one day, Tom Haverford will die in a skydiving accident. A mid-air explosion. It'll be tragic.

Tom Haverford:I'm living like a revenge movie character. I wake up at 5 AM, I do 200 push-ups, I drink a protein shake made of eggs and more eggs, I look at a picture of Chris and April together and I say 'Not today, buddy. Not today.' Then I go to work and I'm better at my job than I've ever been.

April Ludgate:Ken's like a sad magician who only knows how to make your will to live disappear.

Jeremy Jamm:Was that a threat?

Ken Hotate:Yes.

Ken Hotate:I offer you this ceremonial peace pipe.

Ken Hotate:Just kidding, it's a regular pipe. I'm going to smoke weed out of it.

Ken Hotate:You? You're going to tell me what's offensive to Native Americans? You're a white man named Jeremy Jamm. Your entire existence is offensive.

Shauna:Hey Chris, do you have a second for lunch?

Chris Traeger:Actually, I have approximately 1,200 seconds available during the standard lunch hour, which breaks down to 20 minutes per meal component if we're being efficient. I'm very excited about the nutritional possibilities!