Ron Swanson

Is that a travel pillow around your neck?

When you've been down in the pit-- have you been in the pit? No, I haven't gotten down there yet. Well, I have. When you fell in. When I visited the bottom of the pit on a fact-finding mission.

I've been quite open about this around the office. I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government.

My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations. Like chuck E. cheese. They have a perfect business model.

She's insatiable. She's like A... little dog with a-- a chew toy.

This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel.

This is my basketball court. I don't want to see any double dribble. I don't want to see any three-second violations. Bobby knight!

There's a new wind blowing in government and I don't like it.

No comment. / About what?

Hey, Haverford, maybe one day you'll figure out how to spell a three-letter word.

You're worse than my ex-wife, and she's terrible at Scrabble. And she's a bitch.

Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.

You can't even spell vocabulary. / Yeah. V-O-G-X... Was that right? No.

Tom is exactly what I'm looking for in a government employee.

She swears it makes me look thinner. It kind of does.

This is not communist China. You cannot make her whip herself. You cannot make her wear a hair shirt. We weren't planning on doing either of those things. This is America. You want to live in North Korea, you can live in North Korea. I don't want to. I want to live in America.

My idea of a perfect government is one guy, who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe, when he desires them.

In 1994, I gave her a nickname. It's unrepeatable, but it stuck. It's my proudest accomplishment.

It's the Iron [bleep] of Pawnee.

I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toe boot. But this hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp. That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food.

I'd go to a banquet and honor those Somali pirates if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp.

I wasn't offering.

It's just like my brother's. He's an officer in the Air Force.

Marlene is a woman. She has worked in the government for three decades. 30 years. Properly applied, that's how long a good varnish should last.

So Marlene, it is true that you have won this award.

That's funny. Somebody just told me you were queen of the gays. That was me.

Did you get my text? Did you get my emails? Did you see that I paged you? I did not. Did you check your voicemail? I didn't.

Ron slowly explaining his hernia situation while sitting perfectly still

Get my lunch for me, please. Okay, like order you something? No, get it... from there.

AIDS? No, I'm safe. Blindness? Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee? I have a hernia. Do you have syphilis? I said it's a hernia. I know. It's possible to have two things.

I'm Ron [beep] Swanson.

On the other hand, this is a pretty sweet-ass gun.

High five. I never trust anything that quickly. That's why I don't eat minute rice.

I got a remote control and I'm controlling you. Go faster! Go faster, Ron's the master.

Can I smoke in here? You don't smoke. Just asking if I can.

Are you high? I'm high on kaboom!

I'm sorry to burst your ka-bubble, but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the city manager, and now this entire department is ka-screwed.

What the ka-*** were you thinking?

I would prefer that she ask me for my permission so I can say no. I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.

You're a doctor. Yup. I meant your costume. I got it.

So, you kind of dropped the ball with Andy then, didn't you?

I'd hate for you to have to go back to Canada. All that socialized medicine up there.

Of course, that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. That is perfect. The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.

Does she have any weaknesses? / What do you mean no? Everybody has one. / Not machines.

I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side, so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell, one last time.

Would I get married again? Absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

We are oil and water. Or oil and TNT and C-4 and a detonator and a butane torch.

You've aged horribly. / You... son of a bitch.

That is a beautiful sweater vest. You look like you could use $20. Am I right? 'Cause you're a kid and kids always need money.

But this stock photo, I bought at a framing store, isn't real.

A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should've taken a picture of it.

Leslie, I can't thank you enough for sticking your nose where it didn't belong.

I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began.

It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.

She knows her way around a penis.

But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a park or a museum or a mega church? / Or a library. / Nobody said library.

More sex.

She made some really good points about libraries.

Some people like libraries.

I'm so little.

We would just end up naked. And I'd give her your lot and my house and God knows what else.

Not around her I'm not.

"I let Mark nail me and we're still friends." / I never... I would never use those words.

She volunteered.

If I'm not down in 5 min, it's only because I'm receiving a pleasure so intense...

Is part of your moustache missing? / Yes. / There's a push pin in your face. / Leave it in.

You didn't kill Tammy, did you? / I'm afraid she can't be killed.

Tammy is... a mean person. / Come on, you can do better than that. / She's a great A bitch.

Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of men.

But, you know, the worst thing about her, She works for the library.

Only Ron can order the whole department to do something. Ron, order them to do this. / Do whatever Leslie says.

I got my first job when I was nine. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify. I have no interest in non-nude images.

And just like that, the one tiny aspect of government I enjoyed was clubbed to death before my eyes.

I would not have pegged you as a user of mouth tobacco. I'm full of surprises, Ron.

That's why they call it chew and not swallow. Am I right, Ron? Yes, you are right.

What the***? What the hell? Give me some warning. I saw a quail. Sorry, man. You snooze, you loose.

I've been shot! Somebody shot me in the head!

Ron, it's not that serious. I just need you to stay calm. I'm just gonna stay angry. I find that relaxes me.

There was a bird kind of near me, and I know you want to prove yourself. No, I swear I didn't. I swear to God, I've never shot anyone.

When I look at my palm, I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is that normal?

Seve... Eight. But I washed 'em down with plenty of fluids. You cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge right now, okay? No, I'm not wasting 20-year scotch.

That man wasn't my brother. He was my husband! I'm pregnant... With Josh Groban's baby!

What do you mean the squirrel... took the nuts out of the... Out of that kid's backpack... And ate 'em? That is a fact. A fact about me.

You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl's in a couple months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.

Or perhaps next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.

Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate examined, you could come by and shoot me in the head.

You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I lost my temper. It was because I was shot in the head by a moron.

Leslie thinks you're a wounded animal, so her female instincts are kicking in. Here's what you do. Act sad. Let her pull the thorn out of your paw and wrap a bandage around it.

There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 years.

How do you want that cooked? Medium roar. Medium rare? No, medium roar.

Looking at her, I... I feel like... She might be the perfect spooning size for me.

Smells like a wet mop in here. And I get the feeling that these women is running a low-grade fever.

Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt of the earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field, your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopes.

You're doing a bang-up job of looking sad about Wendy. Does she make scrambled eggs?

Take it down a notch. You already won your Oscar, DiCaprio.

They can buy their own beer.

Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7.

They'll hunt the kids for sport.

supervise the maintenance crews, and teach crafts at the senior center. Simultaneously.

My name is Ron. You don't need to know my last name.

I've been getting a lot of visitors recently, thanks to a stupid and worthless new push to make government officials more accessible to the public.

This is my hell.

In the eight years I've been at the job, I've saved the taxpayers of this city more than 150 grand. But now, I need the taxpayers' money to save me from the taxpayers.

Please be careful with it, it's my only copy.

Yeah, my friends know that I have a strict no call policy.

I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.

You're hired.

Attagirl.

How many courses will there be? Three. Four. Not including dessert. So, five courses. Yes. Now, it will be five courses.

If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn't want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?

Oh! No, no, I insist on paying. No, no, I insist on demonstrating. This is not gonna affect my decision at all. Oh, of course not. Stop winking.

Don't do that, Tom!

Poor Tommy. He has a very frail colon.

Were you aware that all of the entertainment and food was provided by rec center teachers? Would I have stayed if I knew that? I don't know, would you have? Would you have?

Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk. Drop in a token, look at a duck.

You carry that with you all the time? It comes in handy. And on the back, it teaches you how to play blackjack.

Swansons have a preternaturally high tolerance for alcohol. My old man used to put Wild Turkey on his Corn Flakes.

After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey and then I finished crafting this small harp, using a band saw, a spoke shave and an oscillating spindle sander.

Here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey. You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper, so you can tell that I'm not lying.

I care about the people's right to consume whatever they want.

The whole point of this country is, if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.

I call this 'turf and turf.' It's a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar.

You're asking my permission to take a nooner? Sure. Well, I don't know. Maybe.

He's a tourist. He vacations in people's lives, Takes pictures, Puts 'em in a scrapbook, and moves on.

It's duke silver. Duke, can I have your autograph? I love your music. You're mistaken, ladies. Move along.

Well, it's about time.

However, she cares way too much about crap like this, which is why I can't pass up this opportunity to tease her about it.

Really? You're saying a women's organization made a mistake?

Yes. Camp Xena. Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name. I almost got it. I was pretty close. No.

Look, Leslie, your job, which you're great at, is making me look good. Which you've clearly done well because I'm getting an award. Right?

I'm doing my official portrait for the IUD Awards Dinner Program. IOW.

Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won an award.

I have the Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy for excellence in female stuff.

Come on, Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women. You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

Every award, from the smallest trophy to the Nobel Prize, is nothing more than... Is nothing more than a great way to honor someone.

So, I would like to present this year's Dottie English Whatever Award to the person who actually deserves it, Leslie Knope.

I don't want it. Just take the damn thing. You deserve it. No, no. Really. No, Ron, you deserve it. Really, but I don't want it. But you won it. And you should win it.

Right this way is the exit.

You don't have any code violations, do you? / [Long pause] / Nope.

You are the first non-me to set foot in this building in 10 years.

Sure it is. It's up to the Swanson Code.

It's the same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?

This says it should be recharged June of 1996. / Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those expiration dates that the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine.

Come on, Brendanawicz, relax. Let me make you a canoe.

Those city planning guys can be real pains in the ass. / Okay. I just want you to know that I still don't think city codes... / Ron, shut up.

And if the Swanson Code happens to overlap with the City Government Code... / Shut up.

We certainly are a bunch of weaklings. Especially Tom. I am not a weakling. Arm wrestle me right now.

I think I'm more than holding my own here... Three, four, five... Hey. Six. Hey! How you doing? Not too bad.

In the scenario you just laid out, you're the pervert. You understand that, right?

Andy. [implied unconscious/defeated state]

Sorry I squeezed your lights out there, son. No worries. Will you show me how to do that move, though?

When I saw my friends hiding through the window, I drove to a gas station, called the cops, And told them people had broken into my home.

I'm starving. I only had one breakfast.

I could smell it in your purse Before I even parked my car. And now it's gone, And I hate everything.

He smoked pot in the office And in all the parks constantly. It was the early '90s, but also it's ridiculous That marijuana is illegal.

I'm sorry. I can't hear hippies.

People are idiots, leslie.

He made a bong out of a taxidermied raccoon? I caught him smoking pot out of it Not three feet from where we're standing.

To me, this situation is a blood-soaked, nightmarish hellscape. However, to Leslie Knope... Oh, how fun. Yay.

Just sit there and don't ruin the city.

Kindly get your groin off my desk.

April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.

Either you hire her back or I quit. You don't work for me. And I never will, sir.

You must be April's sister. I'm Ron.

Okay, take him out and shoot him.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing is not that hard.

What the (fuck) are you doing, Perd Hapley?

Leslie's theatrical villain laugh that 'sounded like a chimp there at the end'

Leslie's defiant 'I'm not gonna fight them. Except that I am!' followed by Ron's resigned 'Okay.'

Leslie's anger management technique: 'count backwards from 1,000 by sevens and think of warm brownies'

Ron's enthusiastic response to budget cuts: 'Where do I start? What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it, And can I watch you doing it while eating pork cracklins?'

Ann methodically asking every man she knows 'did we make out last night?' including the horrified Ron

The government is shut down. It's in every newspaper. / How long is it going to last? Well, if we're lucky, this building will be empty for months.

I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.

Right off the bat, we sell City Hall. Let somebody turn it into a large gas station or a T.J. Maxx.

Sell the zoo animals. / To whom? / Cosmetics labs? Weird restaurants? I'm just spit-balling here.

Because of my libertarian beliefs, Leslie does 95% of the work. So you should lay me off. I'd be proud to be a casualty in this righteous war.

My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and Communists. He hated both.

They call it a Swanson.

That is my ex-wife.

Bully.

Well, I am usually not one for speeches. So, goodbye.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men, from men into gladiators, and from gladiators into Swansons.

Behold! The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.

Capitalism. God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.

Crying. Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts. High and tight. Crew cut. Buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?

There's no coin toss in basketball. / Are those women's sneakers? / Yes, they are, Ron. You know what? They fit better, I got an employee discount, and the best part is no one can tell.

That's a foul! What? On whom? / Your team. Number 50. He was double dribbling. / He's on defense. / Exactly. / That's a technical difficulty.

What are you going to do about it? Nothing. You fouled. You can't do anything. / Okay. You're ejected. You're ejected. / What's the matter there, Ron? No players left? / Put my boys back in. / You made me the ref. Deal with it.

I didn't know what to bring you, so I just got some magazines and lipstick. Woman stuff.

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name.

Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

April really is the whole package.

I am starving. I haven't had lunch since yesterday.

You had me at 'Meat Tornado'.

You are an unstoppable good idea machine!

I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.

The four horse meals of the egg-pork-alypse

Damn it. Again?

It's Not the Size of the Boat: Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis

Tammy. My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay. And if I am, she tries to [bleep] everything up.

I was just checking myself for scoliosis. - And? - Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know.

A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy. - Sounds like a real whore.

Good day, Leslie. - Good... good day.

A companion. - Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada? - Canada. No, I don't suppose I would.

She made me this tiny sharpened stick.

Look, I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends when they get dumped. Men are dogs. - That does not apply to this situation at all.

It rubbed off... From friction.

In fact, she's ovulating. So if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.

We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40-pound bag of peanuts for energy.

Oh, and by the way, last night, I faked four out of the seven. - Hmm. So did I.

Tom, women like scars. Shows you survived an attack, and they'll assume the attack was from a man.

I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster. An old Underwood 5 with original carriage return.

Took her home, polished her up and bought a brand new ribbon off of electronicbay.com

What is he typing, anyway? 'If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter, I'll kill you.'

I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America.

Megaphone. Monday.

Butthole.

I would never be able to find a worse assistant.

When you have a fish on the line, you don't just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in or you cut him loose. Especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart.

How about just you? Thank you, Ron. Yes.

I couldn't care less about the commendation. But Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's steakhouse

I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there

The lady next to me: A bitch. Specifically, my ex-wife Tammy.

there are flecks of meat in my mustache, and I refuse to clean it because every now and then, a piece of meat will fall into my mouth

They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse.

What happened to the steaks that were in there when they closed? Do you think they got eaten?

Since I am not a rabbit, no, I do not.

Portobello mushrooms. Where's the steak? Oh, there's no steak. That's a healthier option.

Wait, wait. I worry what you just heard was, 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.' What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.

Well, there's a lot of people that don't consider salad a food.

Normally, people tell you to talk about your problems, I'm gonna recommend you bottle that noise up. / That's what my mailman said.

If they're missing this long, they're usually dead. / Well, if that's true, then you're gonna have to answer to the whole town. And God.

Andy, she's mad because you said 'awesome sauce' instead of, 'I love you, too.' April, he loves you. Stop being a child. Tom, you're clearly at fault here. Blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, we both know you were shotgunning funnel cakes instead of watching Li'l Sebastian. So everyone apologize to everyone else!

I suppose I oughta go look for him. Right after I get a bratwurst.

I'm sure I am not. - Ron! You are too. Hydration pack!

Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

Jerry scared all the fish away with his loud personal stories.

All due respect, Ms. Clack, stick a german muffin in it.

The transom is painted shut.

No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!

Dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday. But it's always a good idea to demonstrate to your co-workers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain. Plus, it's always fun to see Tom faint.

So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake.

Is that that toothy girl from Mystic Pizza?

Leslie, I got married twice. Both times, I was a lot older than those two. And both marriages ended in divorce... And a burning effigy.

Oh, my God, you're right. I get to burn another effigy.

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol... From a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

Red meat can cause sluggishness, heart disease, even impotence. Has the opposite effect on me.

Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, yes. Delicious.

Why would anyone do that to themselves?

What do I get if I win? The rarest jewel of all. Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

Who the hell is Forp? I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Forp.

I buy my burger ingredients at Food and Stuff, a discount food outlet equidistant from my home and my work. I came here for the same reason people go to the zoo.

Shh. Look at that thing. Nature is amazing.

Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% meatless. Yes, please.

Sir? Is there a problem? I'm just making sure no one ever has to eat this. I don't think I can give you any more. I want one.

I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food. And most of my stuff.

Nope. Just the crows and the beef.

Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want. I couldn't care less.

Okay, everyone, shut up! And look at me! Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big. Some are small. People did them, and they are here now.

I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it.

Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.

I know how much you enjoy paperwork, but don't hover.

Nice bench. Is that new? / No, that's been there since the '90s.

Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.

There is no street parking at my house. My house is not even on a street.

These were for a sick child at the hospital. - Ah.

Unless... That's exactly what she wants me to do.

That was just a list of ways to mess with you. - She do 'em all? - She did indeed.

My only official recommendations are U.S. Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton Salt, and the C.R. Laurence Fein two-inch, axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.

If you don't, I'll shave Jean-Ralphio's head. / Yeah, I'd like to see that.

Damn, if that isn't delicious.

Ron's Snake Juice endorsement speech

First, you take the cow to the killing floor...

I'm your boss. That's a good one, Ron.

It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine-year-old.

You have mustard in your mustache. Don't sass me, Burkiss. Let's get started.

And that, Lauren, is how taxes work. But that's not fair. You're learning.

And that, Lauren, is how FDR ruined this country.

You are, and this is not a joke, much smarter than most of the people who work in this building.

This is a Claymore land mine. Use that to protect your property. Thanks, Ron.

And you gave her a land mine? Really? Well, it seemed appropriate at the time. How?

The drinking age is 21. I know. Another stupid government rule.

I just grab a few donuts, sit back, and enjoy the show.

I loved that pillar. It made it really annoying to stand in my doorway.

Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death. Okay.

I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is 'perflipisklup' because I can't fly spaceships.

Who was that? I don't know. I saw her crying, and so I helped.

You have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department. Now, wait a minute. I mean that as a compliment.

And you shine a light on him, and he shrinks up faster than an Eskimo's scrotum.

I may have a compromise.

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half-mast, I thought, 'All right. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But then I found out it was Li'I Sebastian. Half-mast is too high. Show some damned respect.

Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night. Okay, okay. And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss. Whoa. Eleanor likes the tongue.

I think if you would know one thing about me, it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.

I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven, and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'I Sebastian had passed.

You have no interest in government work, and you slow everything down with your selfish attitude. I'd love for you to stick around, Tommy. It'll be damn hard to replace you. But I'll support you either way.

An hour ago, a giant fireball consumed my entire face. And it was far preferable to spending another second with you.

No, my other ex-wife, Tammy. Tammy One.

I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting right now, I'm using all of them.

Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it or it will begin to smell.

If you're going to stay here, there are three rules you need to follow. One, no talk about Tammy One. Two, no talk about Ben. Three, no talk.

You just violated rules number one and three. You lose your coffee privileges.

I'd really love to shoot a gun right now. Fishing it is.

I figure we build a fire, roast the fish we shot, and make s'mores. I don't have the material for s'mores. I do. I always carry emergency s'more rations in my car.

You only have nine toes? I have the toes I have. Let's just leave it at that.

Will you pledge right now not to raise taxes? I think that's premature. No pledge, no vote.

She has the tracking ability and body odor of a bloodhound.

First of all, income tax is illegal

This is just another way for her to put her hand up my keister and control me like a puppet

Are you broken?

I've heavily invested in gold, which I've buried in several different locations around Pawnee. Or have I?

That is a gentleman's agreement. I made that man a dining room table in exchange for 60 feet of copper pipe and a half pig

Every 30 days, I buy shotgun shells and cigarettes, and send them home to my mom

My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My mom's name is Tamara. She goes by Tammy

Visual gag: Ron's uncomfortable silence after revealing his Tammy pattern

We first took up together when I was 15

She was my math teacher in middle school and my babysitter, and she taught drivers ed

You know, sometimes, you eat chicken and you get food poisoning, and then even the sight of chicken makes you sick? Tammy One is my blonde chicken

Leslie, you goofball. Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it

Hey, Jer. Hump day, am I right, buddy?

Yesterday, she converted my bank account into a joint bank account with her. Oh. That's great. And how is that going to help? Not sure

These emails aren't going to send themselves

Leslie, please. The government knows what it's doing

Oh, gosh. I'm really in a pickle now

The thing I love about Tammy is she calls me on my crap. Every guy needs that

That's decoy gold. You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground, where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all

Usually, I only read nautical novels and my own personal manifestos

Okay, mine just says, 'Get well soon.' Aren't you sick? No. Something's off.

I've never used a phone in my life.

You're stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing that you bring with you? Silence.

When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them. That's a genius move. Thank you. You're welcome, Lester.

Damn it. He's right. Well said. Thanks, Ron. You're welcome, Steve.

My first wedding ceremony took two hours. Because after the priest said, 'Repeat after me,' I fell silent.

and I suppose in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.

The second gift is the box itself.

your self-indulgent ethnic food court isn't helping.

We have one activity planned. Not getting killed.

And I'll thank you to keep the ruckus down so my boys can focus on solitude.

This forum, like all public forums, is a waste of time. Thank you.

Is this the Pawnee Goddesses? I've got the puppies you ordered. / Oh, the puppies for the puppy party that we're having in our cabin? Those puppies? / What? No...

When did kids get so interested in fun?

This will be no fun at all.

A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight. Filled with jelly beans.

You, bean bag, come with me. I'm an eggplant. I don't care. Come with me.

The Zorpies are ridiculous. But like the Founding Fathers, I believe in absolute freedom of religion. Also their ceremonies require the playing of flutes.

Flutes are $80 apiece, and recorders are $150.

That was Symphony for the Righteous Destruction of Humanity in E Minor by the late Lou Presotovich.

Socket wrench sounds pretty good, actually.

Well, I'm a practicing none of your...business.

If the world was ending tomorrow, I'd want to be with him. Well, that's significant. The problem is, Leslie, the world is not ending tomorrow. The sun's going to rise right over there. It will be a regular Friday, and you'll be in the exact same position you were in before.

Look! I'll let you be America. / And teach kids that not only is government good but that there should be a World-wide super-government? I'd rather sand down my toenails.

Every three weeks, I have to sand down my toenails. They're too strong for clippers.

Then two days ago, I saw him spraying cologne samples at Macy's.

He said he liked ethnic girls, Tom.

Competent enough to keep the bosses off my back, but selfish enough to slow down all the work. Tom Haverfords don't grow on trees. If they did, I'd sell 'em. Tommy trees.

Of all my coworkers, he is one of a small number whom I do not actively root against.

There I go, getting all sappy.

For what it's worth, I think you would make an incredible brunette.

Andy Dwyer will be taking Women's Lasers. Women's Studies. Sorry. God, I cannot stop thinking about lasers.

Good news, son. You have just won a Ron Swanson scholarship.

One thing I promised myself when I buried gold in my backyard was that I'd never be a hoarder or a miser about it.

Listen, I was trying to buy this hand-crafted mahogany wood model of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft. - Aw, for me? - Don't sass me.

And I went to this website, and this ad popped up that said 'Hey, Ron Swanson! Check out this great offer.' What's your question? My question is, what the hell?

I don't know the names of the other department heads. I'll go with him. Seriously? With the men in this office?

Stop, please. I don't like to give out my address to anyone, much less have it on an official record.

9301 Cedarcrest Dr-- - Beep! I didn't hear that. 9301 Cedarcrest Drive!

I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.

When a good person does something bad, they own up to it. They try to learn something from it, and they move on.

Every year, I give Leslie the same present I give everyone: A crisp $20 bill. And every year, she gets me something thoughtful and personal. It makes me furious.

She had it installed over the weekend. [Ron looking at elaborate bathroom setup]

We make a gingerbread version of the office. That's so good! I think the wood model is-- and we can decorate our offices with candy canes and gumdrops! That would be so adorable! Thanks, Ron! That's such a cute idea!

See? His arms are crossed because he's mad at all the other marshmallow workers for annoying him. You like it? It's fine.

I can handcraft 17-foot canoes out of western red cedar, but I can't glue two damn Graham crackers together!

Turns out, I cannot make a gingerbread house, which would bother me if I were an 8-year-old girl.

I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

Well, we have a philosophical difference on what constitutes a law.

We had to Jetsons most of the poster, too.

Babe! Are you okay? He is peeing. He is now peeing. Now, I'm putting him down.

THIS BOWLING ALLEY HAS MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT IN PAWNEE.

WHEN I EAT, IT IS THE FOOD THAT IS SCARED.

STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. NO HOOK, NO SPIN, NO FUSS. ANYTHING MORE AND THIS BECOMES FIGURE SKATING.

SON, PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU.

TOM, I'M ASKING YOU AS A MAN TO STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY.

I AM VERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

ARE YOU A FEMALE BIRD?

COME ON, TWEETY BIRD, LET'S GET YOU SOME ICE.

SON OF A BITCH.

I WAS NEVER HERE, AND YOU WILL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

Great attitude, Ron. Sorry. I was talking to these ribs.

But something wicked with a book is my ex-wife from the library. Which means I'm the one that succumbs.

Well, they always say break glass in case of an emergency.

Ron, you're a genius. Li'l Sebastian. Yep. At first, you did not understand what made this tiny horse so special. And now, you love him more than I do.

I absolutely do not want to solve a series of riddles and clues, each more intricate than the last. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah. I got it, Ron. Good. I do want that. Please do that for me.

DoubleTime, you said? Little brick building over on Liondale Road? Yeah. You know the one? No.

So if you happen to see any memorabilia laying around, kindly and discreetly discard it. You got it, Duke. Don't call me that.

Where is that saxophone coming from? I don't know. I don't know the first thing about music.

Or I own four identical versions of the same sweater. No, you don't, there's an old lollipop that's been stuck to the back since Tuesday.

Jerry's work is often adequate.

I used to work in a sheet metal factory, but then a job came along at the tannery. The hours were better, and I would get paid. Also I'd have the chance to work with leather both before and after it was on the cow, which had always been a dream of mine.

How old were you? 11.

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

The world's my gymnasium, Ron. But I will stop if it makes you uncomfortable. Could you hold me while I dismount?

I work hard to make sure my department is as small and ineffective as possible.

Reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my sixth birthday. I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.

We may be in for a good, old-fashioned shake-up.

My father once told my mother that woman was made from the rib of Adam, and my mom broke his jaw

How much is a Walkman nowadays? Probably more than $20. Here's $25.

Some are simple, like take down traffic lights and eliminate the post office. The bigger ones will be tougher, like, bring all of this crumbling to the ground.

There were no thoughts in my head whatsoever. My mind was blank. I don't know what the hell these other crackpots are doing.

Don't try so hard.

We're all just molecules floating around in random patterns, devoid of meaning.

I'm a rolling stone. Peace.

You would no longer be a government parasite, sucking the lifeblood from honest, hardworking people.

He asked me to tell anyone who comes in that he wishes to remain undisturbed, so as to better clarify his head space.

Hello. You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate, you'll give us more money. That is all. Ron Swanson.

After I steal this cable feed, I will repay the cable company for the service we used.

You can address me as 'eagle one.' Ann, code name: 'Been there, done that.' April is 'currently doing that.' Donna is 'it happened once in a dream.' Chris, code name: 'If I had to pick a dude.' Ben is 'eagle two.'

Ron? I handed out 1,000 leaflets today. That is a personal best. Now, I'm off to vote. The polls are closed.

Nothing you can do. Except hope Leslie doesn't lose by one vote.

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

Well, I've never been one for meeting new people or doing new things or eating new types of food or traveling outside of Southern Indiana. I've had the same haircut since 1978, and I've driven the same car since 1991. I've used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl.

I still get my milk delivered by horse.

Let's go back to the party. You drive. I've had 11 whiskeys.

Barbecues should be about one thing. Good shared meat.

Well, Ron, can we at least have corn on the cob? No.

His name is Tom. Burn. Seriously? No, I understand that it's hilarious. But that is his given Christian name.

Which one of you youngsters wants to help me drain the blood from this animal? If you do a good job, I'll give you the bladder. You can blow it up for a fun play ball.

This just says, 'I can do what I want.' I am the director of the Parks Department and this is a park.

You can get water from that water fountain and use it to water down the beer. Why not just give the kids water? I suppose you could do that.

But by the time this day is over, they will have been taken by the grill and delicately and tenderly shown the ways of flavorful meat-love.

I gave them to the kids. They love them. They're skipping them across the pond.

Get me a refill.

So what? I've tried to fire you.

No, no, no, no. I tried to fire you four times.

Right. That was the worst thing you were.

Government is inefficient and should be dissolved. Please hold while I transfer you.

Well, how do I get I.T. Here? / Call 311.

Andrew, get your lunch, some water, and a 40-pound bag of asphalt. / Hey!

No, no. This is 311. / Donna, they switched my phone with 911.

Seaweed choke! / That large boy is my colleague.

Right? / So, how exactly are you gonna fix this hole? Just for my own edification.

'A,' I don't recall inviting you in here, and 'B,' I did not like her.

Is that a euphemism? / No. / Then great work.

No need to wear makeup.

I do not like this.

Am I interrupting something important? / Impossible. I work for the government.

How are the girls-- / Yes, they are.

Her children are loud. / Kung fu! / Here comes trouble!

I need to go to the bathroom. / I-I have no idea what to do about that.

Okay, well, let's just even things out. There. Now neither of you has a tiara. Problem solved.

If the kids ever wanted to come to my place, I'd have to take a whole week off work just to undo the alarms and tripwires.

Do you wanna say anything to me? / Oh. Yes. You look nice today. / You broke my daughter's tiara. You ruined their Halloween. Don't you feel a little bit bad about that?

I'm not gonna apologize. It wasn't even a real tiara, for God's sake. / Oh, well, relationship over. Too bad. / Oh, my God, you are so sad.

I thought I could teach 'em to saw. / I now realize that seems dangerous.

The joy that I am feeling right now is profound and unmatched in the modern era. And I can't tell you what it means to me that I am the very first person that you chose to tell.

Ever since I got my first job at the age of nine, I have put all my money into gold, which is currently at an all-time high. So, I have a certain amount of money. I've said too much.

Okay. Rethink that move, son.

I once had you put together a brochure about different kinds of Indiana topsoil.

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.

It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere.

If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

I basically live here now. I hate all of this, which probably means it's good for your business.

Recently, I made a chair. When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair.

It's been a real whirlwind

This might be the first time I've ever wanted to attend an event

Tammy, this is Diane. Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, who is also my ex-wife. Twice ex-wife. We were married twice. And divorced twice

This award is the only one I'd ever give a damn about

I made my first chair when I was five, but the quality of the wood was wanting, so when I turned nine, I used my factory wages to purchase some beautiful local walnut

Uh, thank you... for this... Uh, this all good-- night good. Uh... There it is

You're pro-government, you never stop talking, and you have blonde hair. You're my worst nightmare

I know that you secretly love artichokes and plums. Keep your voice down, woman!

I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us. Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it. But not France, right? God, no.

I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us. Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it. But not France, right? God, no

Son, there's no wrong way to consume alcohol.

I ordered a beer. That is a beer.

This is the wrong way to consume alcohol.

Can I ask if this entire establishment is a practical joke of some kind?

You never had one before you were married to Wendy? No, it was a green card wedding. I did watch the three-way sex scene from Wild Things a few times the night before, but it didn't really count.

Tammy Two thwarted me by calling in a bomb threat to the steakhouse.

Was she ill, or did your father witness her father committing a crime? Or was she temporarily blind--

You'd be surprised.

I like her. Whoa! Wow!

I borrowed some markers from Leslie and some stickers from Leslie and a Lite-Brite which I got from Andy.

Oh, look at this pwetty, pwetty wittle beads. They're not infants.

Your shoes are red now. Yay. Hooray.

No, it's Perkins. Always has been. You seem more like a Hanson.

Either way, can you help me? I'm out of activities, and they're playing with my land mine.

What is wrong with you, woman? Sorry. I thought kids liked ghost stories.

Did you just say you love Diane? No. I did not. Yes, you did! That is so cute!

For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem?

Ron loves Mommy! I love nothing!

This is why I love you. Oh. Well, I love you, too.

I'm gonna get 12 eggs and part of a dead animal. Dealer's choice. Please and thank you.

What a gorgeous herbaceous medley. There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

Is a gerbil marrying a rabbit?

Delicate little dough pocket filled with tomato sauce, cheese, and seasoned meat. Just a stunning culinary innovation. It was a calzone. It was literally just a small calzone.

I cracked the bottom of the toilet bowl.

I have voided more than Tom's body weight in the last 12 hours alone. He might have just disappeared off the earth.

Oh, this is just a drill, but I am having so much fun pretending it's real.

No offense, Ron, but I don't think you'd be great on TV. I can speak in full sentences, and I won't cry. Fair point. I did cry last time.

She has a bad hangover, which she is pretending is allergies. Wouldn't know-- never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan-fried in salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep. That works? It does.

Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala or one of my other interests-- Woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships, meat, that sort of thing.

After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan-fried in salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep.

Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. That'll mask the scratches. Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless.

Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons.

I've seen three movies in my life-- Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded.

I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle.

It would be an honor, and the first time I won't regret walking down the aisle

I know you're in a rush, Leslie. I should point out that you said 'duty' twice

How much do you think Ann would miss this sconce?

Terrible. And perfect

You broke my tooth. Well, good thing you're an orthodontist.

I don't think you're supposed to punch a man in the mouth during the service. I think that's exactly what you're supposed to do, if that mouth is attached to a drunk jerk-face.

Ken Burns never wrote me back

Any moron with a crucible, an acetylene torch, and a cast-iron waffle maker could have done the same

Any moron with a crucible, an acetylene torch, and a cast-iron waffle maker could have done the same.

Ron, this is the Hawaiian god of anger. It reminded us of you when you're at work. - A handsome gentleman.

The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently. - That's not really a joke, Ron. - I disagree. I find it hilarious.

Sorry, the door was open. I wish this office had only walls.

I want my friend to do something for me, and I don't know how to ask him. What do you want him to do? Plant ficuses. In my front yard.

Grossest metaphor ever. I've seen your house. You'd have more success if he planted ficuses in your backyard.

Then plant the damn ficuses yourself. - I wish that were possible.

Do you see what is happening with Chris and Shauna? They are flirting like crazy. It's disgusting. They're in public. - That's called a conversation.

Ron, there are no ficuses, okay? I wanted to ask Chris to be the father of my baby. - Good God.

There is nothing more disgusting than an invasion of privacy. And I should know. I've had many women steal my undershirts.

You can't hack into a typewriter. That's all I have to say.

I gotta tell you, Ron. You were absolutely and totally right. I know. Stop talking and get out.

Anything can be a slam poem if you say it like this. It's pointless.

This man is a failure. He is not up to snuff. His business is failing, and you're bailing it out. This is a bailout, and I don't like it.

That would be like giving food to a mortally wounded animal instead of slitting its throat and properly utilizing its meat and pelt.

You have made us porn peddlers!

I know what I'm about, son.

These will not be necessary.

Usually, I take it neat, but I will make an exception in the name of health.

Last night, I watched a movie with Diane and the girls in which an orange fish is separated from his father. The children were sniffling, which I believed to be due to the sad nature of the film. I was wrong.

Please turn the thermostat up to 90 and leave me alone.

Ron collapsing

For 'date of birth,' you wrote 'springtime.' Which is true.

How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week? One. That's it, one drink? One shelf.

Do you exercise? Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.

Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.

Allergies? Cowardice and weak-willed men. And hazelnuts.

Sexual history. Epic and private.

Balsa wood? You could at least use mahogany.

Ribs are better smoked than grilled, so un-nailed it, with the back part of the hammer.

No, thank you. I live the way I live, I eat the things I eat, and I'll die the way I'll die.

"I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done."

"First of all, you don't steer a locomotive. The tracks do."

"Money, fear, and hunger."

Say no more. Here's a bunch of guns.

Ron's motivational experiment with Jerry: "You are smart and capable. And I believe you can accomplish anything."

Can you believe it? Only six months left until I retire. / What did Jerry say? / Jerry was here?

Jerry, thank you for your service. Good-bye. Thanks, Ron. That speech means a lot.

See you tomorrow, Jeremy. Well, pretty heroic, huh, guys? Hard to make fun of that.

Jerry will come in once a week, and everyone will get to watch him eat and talk to him about anything he might do or say or fart.

The Hoover Dam is a travesty.

Do you expect me to make a chair out of transistor chips and small wires?

Why is there a gorilla guarding this gingerbread house?

I will call him '$9,000 of taxpayer money the gorilla.'

And there's a certain code of honor that accompanies gift-giving. God, you're the worst.

Lending? Makes it sound like I had a choice in the matter. I never should've agreed to this or let you know that I have a cabin or gotten to know any of you.

If I'm the same as I was a year ago, I'm happy.

I believe she's referring to me, son.

Standard birth control methods aren't usually effective against a Swanson.

Most likely in a canoe. I actually built a canoe for that purpose.

we could go up to the fourth floor right now.

The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

History began on July 4th, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.

A steak dinner, a glass of Lagavulin whiskey, then vigorous lovemaking for two hours, and we're both asleep by 8:30.

Look. A clock. We don't have that in America.

Try the Sears Tower, friend.

Of course you do. That's the most wonderful piece of paper in the world. Accept it.

Enjoy the fact that your royal overlords are a frail old woman and a tiny baby.

I don't know what she thought I'd get out of that.

Ebony was due to a clerical error, but it ended up being an interesting year of reading.

Passing the buck-- the last refuge of the cowardly and black-hearted.

51 eggs in 20 minutes. Couldn't cook 'em fast enough. The last ten were still in the shell.

The world is a nightmare.

The address is wherever it is parked.

It looks like the original phone from the movie Wall Street. / I think it's just the original phone, period. / Ew, gross, it has 'buttons.'

Is that your name, or are you telling me you're finished talking? Both. Dunne and done.

geography will never change your feelings

I once thought I had a friend. Then it turned out he was the single worst person I have ever met.

Whoa. I am pretty sure you shouldn't have a weapon at work. Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours.

You need that many pages to say, 'Give my stuff to my wife'?

Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me.

What are these weird symbols? The man who kills me will know.

The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor.

Where is this lawyer you speak of?

Is this a joke? Another word for 'jokes' is 'lies.' I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.

I was right not to be threatened by you.

Oh, you're joking. Yes, son, I am. First joke ever. Don't care for it.

I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.

I'd never lose to a boar.

Ron, I'm-- I'm incredibly flattered. Ralph Piatkowski and his wife Helen. He's the Maitre D' at Mulligan's Steakhouse, and he knows me better than anyone.

this gun is lightweight, there's no sight, and we are far too close to these deer. Would they not smell us? I want my money back. How do I get my quarters?

I am not a sore loser. It's just that I prefer to win. And when I don't, I get furious.

I thought you were serious. / Come on, now. You know I don't give a [bleep].

Why are you covered in blood? / Don't worry. It's not human.

Now, that's what I call shooting. / That's a new record. / Hey, look at that. You finally made it into the top ten. / Now, you can enter your initials. / My initials are private.

Maybe you should try taking a walk... Out of my office.

Ron's in Bloosh! / What? / Ron's in Bloosh? / Ron is in Bloosh! / What is Bloosh?

Someone's getting a new leather jacket. / I don't want a leather jacket. / It's for me.

Hey, Ron, baby, what are the hot deets on Bloosh? / Start over and speak differently.

Oof, you got a long way to go, Swanson. / I regret everything.

Did that woman call my chair 'delicious'?

Yes, mostly you use it for sitting.

Well, I make two a year, so maybe in six years.

He's a big fan of your... Whatever you call what you do.

Several months ago, I was on a walk and found my crib tree. I approached the tree, murdered it, left it to cure in my woodshop

Counteroffer-- you take me nowhere, and I talk to no one.

You bought a machine that replicates an open window?

You have used 9. I have used 20. Continue.

100.

That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick-- no froufrou symbolism, just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal.

There's more than one crib tree in a forest. That's not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability.

Does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence? No. It's just a shitty fish.

For sale. Small house. Location: Forest. It's a little wordy, don't you think?

Current owner will not clean up shotgun shells or animal carcasses.

Fine, I'll clean up the shotgun shells, but the carcasses remain to fertilize my berry patch.

Two cabins.

Plus, it doesn't have these razor-sharp perimeter defense planks sticking out of the ground.

Make it 5%. I don't want you getting any ideas about us being friends.

Ron, you want to stay outside and do nothing while they make your cabin look like garbage? I'd like that very much. We can watch the shadows get longer.

You're describing a hotel.

I bought that cabin 18 years ago for $2,200. I do not care about the money.

When she walked past me this morning, I gave her a kind nod.

I would wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept invented by the weak to explain their failures.

Son, you just described a calculator.

Every socket set I've ever bought only goes up to 1/2 inch. I'd love a couple larger sizes. Take it all the way up to 5/8.

Leslie insisting on interviewing for her own job with Ron, who repeatedly tells her to just take it

I also walked you down the aisle at your wedding

Give it all back to the taxpayers

It's why I hired them. Then you betrayed me and turned them into efficient and caring government employees

God help me--you've built a well-functioning government agency

Can we hurry this up, please?

Stamp the damn form.

The rules do not specify whether or not I'm allowed to listen to Willie Nelson on my headphones.

♪ Hello, walls ♪ Hello ♪ Hello ♪ How'd things go for you today? ♪

This is a Cuban. This is yellowtail. I feel amazing.

Why are you yelling? Tom put all my records into this rectangle!

The songs just play one right after the other! This is an excellent rectangle!

This one has plates' name on it.

I would have preferred a regular hamburger for eating, but this is very nice.

We have been on the prowl for some amazing pots. Well, that card's for three pans.

I also shook his hand. Twice. Anything more than that would be excessive.

Good-bye, Ann. I have enjoyed parts of our time together.

This is my contribution. It says 'Ron.'

It's quarter-sawn zebra wood adjoined by floating tenons to the black walnut corner posts. Finished with a wiping varnish that's a secret Swanson family recipe.

This tear, caused by the overwhelming thoughtfulness of my friends will be my baby's first memory. Salt water will warp the wood. So keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.

Shotgun! I called shotgun! You're all nailed. I call sitting on your lap. You can't--I--double shotgun! We call double shotgun! How come people don't do that more often? It's illegal.

There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast food.

So, like a banana made of spiders?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, children are terrible artists. And artists are crooks.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.

Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

A vegan is gonna physically attack me? They're basically made of glass.

Dear God, woman.

Oh, my God, whose baby is that? That would be mine.

John middle name redacted Swanson

John was born some time ago, weighing multiple pounds and several ounces.

Much like his father, he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

Just let her tire herself out.

I've taken great pains to see as little of this building as possible. Turns out the third floor is silent, empty, and completely free of government work.

My son is several weeks old. He's quite familiar with the sound of power tools.

I got all help I'll need right here. [referring to baby]

This subpar toolbox only had one wrench, so I was lucky it was a three-quarters or I'd have been screwed.

You like fixing this town, Leslie, you always have. You know it's an uphill battle, but you love the struggle.

Most people in this world, John, are ass[bleep].

He now has that satisfied look that only comes with the pride of labor. Or he pooped. Either way, well done, John.

This is truly a fine panda game you made. Well done.

I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss. Silence, the absence of noise, one single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children's TV program called Doc McStuffins.

There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.

Ron, look. I found all three differences. Those are two completely different pictures.

Oh, whoa. Five-second rule. No, ahh. Come on, we better get you to a dentist.

All I wanted was two hours where I got to forget that I was a parent.

Why would you do that? Oh, right. 'Cause calories.

I once did him a favor. I built his sawmill.

Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling air ships.

I was 12 years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown it.

Blueprints for the future are a fool's errand. They're like blueprints for a house. Nice to have, but any foreman with half a brain doesn't need to look at them.

Ben to Ron: 'Did you not hear me say there was no need to discuss it with me?'

Ron: 'Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.'

Ron: 'I don't drink alcohol from that portion of the color spectrum.'

Ron: 'You may vent for as long as it takes me to drink this bottle of wine.'

Ben: 'You're a terrible person to discuss personal problems with.' Ron: 'Thank you, friend. That really means a lot to me.'

Keep your voice down, woman!

Tammy two once seduced a coroner and had me declared legally dead just so she could get a discount on a plane ticket.

I am Donna's work-proximity associate.

Your family has made you a more patient and empathetic person. You take that back.

I'm sure you will both raise a wonderful child with whom I will profoundly disagree on nearly everything.

Who do you think I am, Thomas Hucker?

It was too perfect. It looked machine-made.

Guess I have to start over. Who wants to go look for trees with me?

Because you currently owe me $16,000. For the wood. The labor was free, but the wood was a bargain. At $16,000.

Only a moron would ever live anywhere other than Pawnee, Indiana. Leslie Knope, multiple occasions.

Who do you think I am, Thomas Hucker?

It was too perfect. It looked machine-made.

Because you currently owe me $16,000. For the wood. What?

playing music is something I like to keep private, along with my family, my conversations, and my whereabouts at all times.

Only a moron would ever live anywhere other than Pawnee, Indiana. Leslie Knope, multiple occasions.

With your courage and small frame, you'd make an excellent coal miner.

Hello, former strange person I used to friend.

No, I don't! I have bangs now! I've never known what bangs are, and I don't intend to learn!

Very Good Building and Development Company. I wanted to convey the quality of our work without seeming flashy.

I simply took a skewer for one shrimp and added many shrimp to it. They're long enough for five or six. I fit seven on this one. It's a masterpiece.

It's a crotch blinder of my own design.

She survived on rats and rainwater.

Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along.

That's why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.

The only celebrities I recognize are furniture maker Garry Knox Bennett, designer of the notorious 16-penny nail cabinet

and Magnus, the 5x5 bull elk I saw near my cabin two years ago. Took a shot at the bastard, and he stuck his antlers through the door of my meat shed.

One day, Magnus, I will wear you as a jacket.

Terry, what's Leslie up to?

You're not that good at scrapbooking.

No!

Terry, look at me. Is this what you want to do? Think very carefully, son.

Damn it, Terry! [both say it simultaneously]

I'll simply punch my fist through a window.

I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for ten hours.

That sounds good. Let's go with that.

You, of all people, should know that, Lauren.

I'll take that bet at any odds, for any amount of money, over any length of time stretching from now into infinity.

Stop this! I will speak with you for three minutes.

We were work proximity associates.

your utter lack of interest in maintaining adult friendships. - Work proximity associate-ships.

The name of the store is 'Food and Stuff.' They sell food, and they sell stuff. If you don't like it, go to that new place, Complete Food. - It's called Whole Foods.

I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the right, as a citizen of the United States, to blow a hole in that [bleep] door and walk out as a free man. It's in the Constitution.

[For He's a Jolly Good Fellow playing from the fake bomb with confetti]

Leslie Knope is an absurd idealist whose political leanings are slightly to the left of Leon Trotsky.

You called me a heartless thug.

I would rather work with a person like that than with a milquetoast yes-man.

Apparently, Craig is studying yoga. These are the only dry clothes I could find.

I feel extremely angry.

I was gonna ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just saying it out loud feels dirty.

Sure, I loved shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside.

Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food? - People are idiots, Ron.

Actually, this is Tom Sell-oink, but, you know, close enough.

What, I'm just gonna carry around pictures of my child where anyone could see them?

frankly, if people are foolish enough to carry around a doodad that lets Gryzzl track their every move, this is what they get

keep it 100

I've spent a fair amount of time with Gryzzl's high-priced lawyers, and they do seem to, as they say, 'keep it 100.'

December 18, 2015. That was the opening day of Star Wars: Episode VII. You were muttering that date in your sleep for months.

Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?

Les Vegetables.

This is a flying robot I just shot out of the sky after it delivered a package to my house.

so I destroyed the robot. No one is safe from these bastards.

I am not a spy, and I would never reveal classified information. / Do you have to say that every time? / Yes.

We're in sync emotionally. Stop patting my head.

Do mine first. In case something happens to you, I wanna make sure I get paid. Looking out for number one. Always smart.

I do not like rallies. And based on what I see from this vantage point, I do not like most of you.

Please do not approach me on the street after this event and attempt to talk to me. Our similarities begin and end with this single issue.

You sat on that news and let me stew here for three hours? / Yup.

I do not approve of this. / Don't care.

And do you believe Lucy will be happy with this gift?

I love weddings. Good food, the celebration of romantic love, and most of all, churches.

Say what you will about organized religion, those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.

Tom is quite taken with you. He said he'd marry you tomorrow.

Don't call me 'man.'

Don't serve this man. No more food until he fixes his giant disaster he's created.

Let the little man dance.

I'll do whatever you want. I'm fine with whatever. No. Whatever you want. No pressure.

Assassins? Hit men? ... You guys are doctors? ... We build things.

Ron's deadpan tour: 'This is a door. These, of course, are walls.'

Is this your brother? ... No. ... Fine. Yes, suppose the cat's out of the bag.

You worked at the Parks Department? Tour is over.

It's a large-scale storage unit for surplus vinyl sheeting.

Creativity is for people with glasses who like to lie.

Ron immediately solves the puzzle with complex cryptex and columnar transposition explanation while Ben stands shocked

Keep it. And don't feel bad. It's my curse.

Well, I had hoped you'd choose a more dignified trade like masonry or logging. But you are out of local government, and that's a step in the right direction.

If you intend to move, I suppose you should return the spare key to my house. The one I gave you years ago when you were my assistant, for emergencies.

These appear to be human teeth. And what is this? New Moon? It's a movie, but I've never seen it. It's, like, about lame werewolves and vampires and stuff.

Dollars to donuts this points us her way. Finally, a scavenger hunt worthy of my time.

Damn, this takes me back. Mind if I stay and watch? Not at all. I appreciate the company.

I've been there. That's a real tightrope walk.

Get off my boat!

I change my house locks every 16 days. That key has been useless since the second Tuesday after I gave it to you.

Not the nice things she said about me, the fact that I buried a large amount of gold under that same tree years ago. I have since moved it. Or have I? Or was I lying the whole time? Or was I lying about lying? Or was there never any gold to begin with? Or...

No. The wood does not taste like cherry. You cannot eat it.

That is incorrect, in a number of ways.

This, to me, seems like a... / You are mistaken. Remove the graphic.

Hire Very Good Building Company for your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar.

I sat in the same chair. Salvatore put the same cape over me. Then he'd always ask me about the same thing... nothing. It was perfect.

As you know, I don't believe in tipping, so I will collect my change from your wife.

What am I supposed to be, some kind or rock star?

This is from the Isle of Islay in Scotland. This is as Eastern as my wisdom gets.

I hate you so much. And I love you, my brother.

Did you see '10 fast 10 Furious: Tokyo Drift 3?' I did not. No. Well, you might be the only one. It made $2.9 billion.

They spelled his name wrong on the tombstone. Ah... Close enough.

I calculate the cost of my labor at $38.

Don't get emotional, Vaughn. You're embarrassing yourself.

I mean, we were workplace proximity acquaintances for many years.

Yes. Neither can anyone else.

I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a Ron. Ha. I'm usually a Tom, but sometimes, I'm a Don.

My contract is very specific. I do not have to answer that question.

The wood does not taste like cherry. You cannot eat it.

That is incorrect, in a number of ways.

You are mistaken. Remove the graphic.

Hire Very Good Building Company for your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar.

Healthy food is for suckers. It tastes like garbage and if you say you like it, you're a chump and a liar.