Ron Swanson

Ron:Is that a travel pillow around your neck?

Leslie · Ron:When you've been down in the pit-- have you been in the pit? No, I haven't gotten down there yet. Well, I have. When you fell in. When I visited the bottom of the pit on a fact-finding mission.

Ron:I've been quite open about this around the office. I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government.

Ron:My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations. Like chuck E. cheese. They have a perfect business model.

Ron:She's insatiable. She's like A... little dog with a-- a chew toy.

Ron:This sawed-off shotgun belonged to a local bootlegger. People who come in here to ask me for things have to stare right down the barrel.

Ron:This is my basketball court. I don't want to see any double dribble. I don't want to see any three-second violations. Bobby knight!

Ron:There's a new wind blowing in government and I don't like it.

Ron · Shauna:No comment. / About what?

Ron:Hey, Haverford, maybe one day you'll figure out how to spell a three-letter word.

Ron:You're worse than my ex-wife, and she's terrible at Scrabble. And she's a bitch.

Ron:Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.

Ron · Tom:You can't even spell vocabulary. / Yeah. V-O-G-X... Was that right? No.

Ron:Tom is exactly what I'm looking for in a government employee.

Ron:She swears it makes me look thinner. It kind of does.

Ron:This is not communist China. You cannot make her whip herself. You cannot make her wear a hair shirt. We weren't planning on doing either of those things. This is America. You want to live in North Korea, you can live in North Korea. I don't want to. I want to live in America.

Ron:My idea of a perfect government is one guy, who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe, when he desires them.

Ron:In 1994, I gave her a nickname. It's unrepeatable, but it stuck. It's my proudest accomplishment.

Ron:It's the Iron [bleep] of Pawnee.

Ron:I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toe boot. But this hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp. That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food.

Ron:I'd go to a banquet and honor those Somali pirates if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp.

Ron:I wasn't offering.

Ron:It's just like my brother's. He's an officer in the Air Force.

Ron:Marlene is a woman. She has worked in the government for three decades. 30 years. Properly applied, that's how long a good varnish should last.

Ron:So Marlene, it is true that you have won this award.

Ron · Leslie:That's funny. Somebody just told me you were queen of the gays. That was me.

Leslie · Ron:Did you get my text? Did you get my emails? Did you see that I paged you? I did not. Did you check your voicemail? I didn't.

Ron:Ron slowly explaining his hernia situation while sitting perfectly still

Ron · April:Get my lunch for me, please. Okay, like order you something? No, get it... from there.

April · Ron:AIDS? No, I'm safe. Blindness? Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee? I have a hernia. Do you have syphilis? I said it's a hernia. I know. It's possible to have two things.

Ron:I'm Ron [beep] Swanson.

Ron:On the other hand, this is a pretty sweet-ass gun.

Keith · Ron:High five. I never trust anything that quickly. That's why I don't eat minute rice.

Ron:I got a remote control and I'm controlling you. Go faster! Go faster, Ron's the master.

Leslie · Ron:Can I smoke in here? You don't smoke. Just asking if I can.

Ron · Leslie:Are you high? I'm high on kaboom!

Ron:I'm sorry to burst your ka-bubble, but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the city manager, and now this entire department is ka-screwed.

Ron:What the ka-*** were you thinking?

Ron:I would prefer that she ask me for my permission so I can say no. I like saying no. It lowers their enthusiasm.

Ron · Dr. Harris:You're a doctor. Yup. I meant your costume. I got it.

Ron:So, you kind of dropped the ball with Andy then, didn't you?

Ron:I'd hate for you to have to go back to Canada. All that socialized medicine up there.

Ron:Of course, that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. That is perfect. The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.

Leslie · Ron:Does she have any weaknesses? / What do you mean no? Everybody has one. / Not machines.

Ron:I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

Ron:On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side, so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell, one last time.

Ron:Would I get married again? Absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

Ron:We are oil and water. Or oil and TNT and C-4 and a detonator and a butane torch.

Tammy · Ron:You've aged horribly. / You... son of a bitch.

Ron · April:That is a beautiful sweater vest. You look like you could use $20. Am I right? 'Cause you're a kid and kids always need money.

Ron:But this stock photo, I bought at a framing store, isn't real.

Ron:A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should've taken a picture of it.

Ron:Leslie, I can't thank you enough for sticking your nose where it didn't belong.

Ron:I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began.

Ron:It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.

Ron:She knows her way around a penis.

Ron · Unknown:But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a park or a museum or a mega church? / Or a library. / Nobody said library.

Ron:More sex.

Ron:She made some really good points about libraries.

Ron:Some people like libraries.

Ron:I'm so little.

Ron:We would just end up naked. And I'd give her your lot and my house and God knows what else.

Ron:Not around her I'm not.

Ron · Leslie:"I let Mark nail me and we're still friends." / I never... I would never use those words.

Ron:She volunteered.

Ron:If I'm not down in 5 min, it's only because I'm receiving a pleasure so intense...

Leslie · Ron:Is part of your moustache missing? / Yes. / There's a push pin in your face. / Leave it in.

Leslie · Ron:You didn't kill Tammy, did you? / I'm afraid she can't be killed.

Ron · Leslie:Tammy is... a mean person. / Come on, you can do better than that. / She's a great A bitch.

Ron:Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of men.

Ron:But, you know, the worst thing about her, She works for the library.

Leslie · Ron:Only Ron can order the whole department to do something. Ron, order them to do this. / Do whatever Leslie says.

Ron:I got my first job when I was nine. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.

Ron:I have no interest in art. Let me clarify. I have no interest in non-nude images.

Ron:And just like that, the one tiny aspect of government I enjoyed was clubbed to death before my eyes.

Tom · Ron:I would not have pegged you as a user of mouth tobacco. I'm full of surprises, Ron.

Leslie · Ron:That's why they call it chew and not swallow. Am I right, Ron? Yes, you are right.

Ron · Tom:What the***? What the hell? Give me some warning. I saw a quail. Sorry, man. You snooze, you loose.

Ron:I've been shot! Somebody shot me in the head!

Leslie · Ron:Ron, it's not that serious. I just need you to stay calm. I'm just gonna stay angry. I find that relaxes me.

Ron · Leslie:There was a bird kind of near me, and I know you want to prove yourself. No, I swear I didn't. I swear to God, I've never shot anyone.

Ron:When I look at my palm, I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is that normal?

Ron · Ann:Seve... Eight. But I washed 'em down with plenty of fluids. You cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge right now, okay? No, I'm not wasting 20-year scotch.

Ron:That man wasn't my brother. He was my husband! I'm pregnant... With Josh Groban's baby!

Ron:What do you mean the squirrel... took the nuts out of the... Out of that kid's backpack... And ate 'em? That is a fact. A fact about me.

Ron:You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl's in a couple months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.

Ron:Or perhaps next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.

Ron:Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate examined, you could come by and shoot me in the head.

Ron · Tom:You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I lost my temper. It was because I was shot in the head by a moron.

Ron:Leslie thinks you're a wounded animal, so her female instincts are kicking in. Here's what you do. Act sad. Let her pull the thorn out of your paw and wrap a bandage around it.

Ron:There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 years.

Server · Ron:How do you want that cooked? Medium roar. Medium rare? No, medium roar.

Ron:Looking at her, I... I feel like... She might be the perfect spooning size for me.

Ron:Smells like a wet mop in here. And I get the feeling that these women is running a low-grade fever.

Ron:Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt of the earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field, your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopes.

Ron:You're doing a bang-up job of looking sad about Wendy. Does she make scrambled eggs?

Ron:Take it down a notch. You already won your Oscar, DiCaprio.

Ron:They can buy their own beer.

Ron:Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7.

Ron:They'll hunt the kids for sport.

Ron:supervise the maintenance crews, and teach crafts at the senior center. Simultaneously.

Ron:My name is Ron. You don't need to know my last name.

Ron:I've been getting a lot of visitors recently, thanks to a stupid and worthless new push to make government officials more accessible to the public.

Ron:This is my hell.

Ron:In the eight years I've been at the job, I've saved the taxpayers of this city more than 150 grand. But now, I need the taxpayers' money to save me from the taxpayers.

Ron:Please be careful with it, it's my only copy.

Ron:Yeah, my friends know that I have a strict no call policy.

Ron:I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.

Ron:You're hired.

Ron:Attagirl.

Ron · Leslie:How many courses will there be? Three. Four. Not including dessert. So, five courses. Yes. Now, it will be five courses.

Ron:If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn't want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?

Leslie · Teacher · Ron:Oh! No, no, I insist on paying. No, no, I insist on demonstrating. This is not gonna affect my decision at all. Oh, of course not. Stop winking.

Ron:Don't do that, Tom!

Ron:Poor Tommy. He has a very frail colon.

Questioner · Ron:Were you aware that all of the entertainment and food was provided by rec center teachers? Would I have stayed if I knew that? I don't know, would you have? Would you have?

Ron:Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk. Drop in a token, look at a duck.

Ron · Leslie:You carry that with you all the time? It comes in handy. And on the back, it teaches you how to play blackjack.

Ron:Swansons have a preternaturally high tolerance for alcohol. My old man used to put Wild Turkey on his Corn Flakes.

Ron:After I got home, I drank six more glasses of whiskey and then I finished crafting this small harp, using a band saw, a spoke shave and an oscillating spindle sander.

Ron:Here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey. You'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper, so you can tell that I'm not lying.

Ron:I care about the people's right to consume whatever they want.

Ron:The whole point of this country is, if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.

Ron:I call this 'turf and turf.' It's a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar.

Ron · Leslie:You're asking my permission to take a nooner? Sure. Well, I don't know. Maybe.

Ron:He's a tourist. He vacations in people's lives, Takes pictures, Puts 'em in a scrapbook, and moves on.

Unknown · Ron:It's duke silver. Duke, can I have your autograph? I love your music. You're mistaken, ladies. Move along.

Ron:Well, it's about time.

Ron:However, she cares way too much about crap like this, which is why I can't pass up this opportunity to tease her about it.

Ron:Really? You're saying a women's organization made a mistake?

Ron · Leslie:Yes. Camp Xena. Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name. I almost got it. I was pretty close. No.

Ron:Look, Leslie, your job, which you're great at, is making me look good. Which you've clearly done well because I'm getting an award. Right?

Leslie · Ron:I'm doing my official portrait for the IUD Awards Dinner Program. IOW.

Ron:Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won an award.

Ron:I have the Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy for excellence in female stuff.

Ron · Leslie:Come on, Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women. You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

Ron:Every award, from the smallest trophy to the Nobel Prize, is nothing more than... Is nothing more than a great way to honor someone.

Ron:So, I would like to present this year's Dottie English Whatever Award to the person who actually deserves it, Leslie Knope.

Ron · Leslie:I don't want it. Just take the damn thing. You deserve it. No, no. Really. No, Ron, you deserve it. Really, but I don't want it. But you won it. And you should win it.

Ron:Right this way is the exit.

Mark · Ron:You don't have any code violations, do you? / [Long pause] / Nope.

Ron:You are the first non-me to set foot in this building in 10 years.

Ron:Sure it is. It's up to the Swanson Code.

Ron:It's the same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?

Mark · Ron:This says it should be recharged June of 1996. / Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those expiration dates that the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine.

Ron:Come on, Brendanawicz, relax. Let me make you a canoe.

Andy · Mark · Ron:Those city planning guys can be real pains in the ass. / Okay. I just want you to know that I still don't think city codes... / Ron, shut up.

Ron · Mark:And if the Swanson Code happens to overlap with the City Government Code... / Shut up.

Ron · Tom:We certainly are a bunch of weaklings. Especially Tom. I am not a weakling. Arm wrestle me right now.

Tom · Ron:I think I'm more than holding my own here... Three, four, five... Hey. Six. Hey! How you doing? Not too bad.

Ron:In the scenario you just laid out, you're the pervert. You understand that, right?

Ron:Andy. [implied unconscious/defeated state]

Ron · Andy:Sorry I squeezed your lights out there, son. No worries. Will you show me how to do that move, though?

Ron:When I saw my friends hiding through the window, I drove to a gas station, called the cops, And told them people had broken into my home.

Ron:I'm starving. I only had one breakfast.

Ron:I could smell it in your purse Before I even parked my car. And now it's gone, And I hate everything.

Ron · Michael:He smoked pot in the office And in all the parks constantly. It was the early '90s, but also it's ridiculous That marijuana is illegal.

Ron:I'm sorry. I can't hear hippies.

Ron:People are idiots, leslie.

Ron:He made a bong out of a taxidermied raccoon? I caught him smoking pot out of it Not three feet from where we're standing.

Ron:To me, this situation is a blood-soaked, nightmarish hellscape. However, to Leslie Knope... Oh, how fun. Yay.

Ron:Just sit there and don't ruin the city.

Ron:Kindly get your groin off my desk.

Ron:April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.

Andy · Ron:Either you hire her back or I quit. You don't work for me. And I never will, sir.

Ron:You must be April's sister. I'm Ron.

Ron:Okay, take him out and shoot him.

Ron:Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing is not that hard.

Ron:What the (fuck) are you doing, Perd Hapley?

Leslie · Ron:Leslie's theatrical villain laugh that 'sounded like a chimp there at the end'

Leslie · Ron:Leslie's defiant 'I'm not gonna fight them. Except that I am!' followed by Ron's resigned 'Okay.'

Ron · Leslie:Leslie's anger management technique: 'count backwards from 1,000 by sevens and think of warm brownies'

Ron:Ron's enthusiastic response to budget cuts: 'Where do I start? What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it, And can I watch you doing it while eating pork cracklins?'

Ann · Ron:Ann methodically asking every man she knows 'did we make out last night?' including the horrified Ron

Andy · Ron:The government is shut down. It's in every newspaper. / How long is it going to last? Well, if we're lucky, this building will be empty for months.

Ron:I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.

Ron:Right off the bat, we sell City Hall. Let somebody turn it into a large gas station or a T.J. Maxx.

Ron · Ben:Sell the zoo animals. / To whom? / Cosmetics labs? Weird restaurants? I'm just spit-balling here.

Ron:Because of my libertarian beliefs, Leslie does 95% of the work. So you should lay me off. I'd be proud to be a casualty in this righteous war.

Ron:My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and Communists. He hated both.

Ron:They call it a Swanson.

Ron:That is my ex-wife.

Ron:Bully.

Ron:Well, I am usually not one for speeches. So, goodbye.

Ron:Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men, from men into gladiators, and from gladiators into Swansons.

Ron:Behold! The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.

Ron:Capitalism. God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.

Ron:Crying. Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Ron:Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Ron:Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts. High and tight. Crew cut. Buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?

Ron · Tom:There's no coin toss in basketball. / Are those women's sneakers? / Yes, they are, Ron. You know what? They fit better, I got an employee discount, and the best part is no one can tell.

Tom · Ron · Tom · Ron · Tom:That's a foul! What? On whom? / Your team. Number 50. He was double dribbling. / He's on defense. / Exactly. / That's a technical difficulty.

Tom · Ron · Tom · Ron · Tom:What are you going to do about it? Nothing. You fouled. You can't do anything. / Okay. You're ejected. You're ejected. / What's the matter there, Ron? No players left? / Put my boys back in. / You made me the ref. Deal with it.

Ron:I didn't know what to bring you, so I just got some magazines and lipstick. Woman stuff.

Ron:I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name.

Ron:Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Ron:April really is the whole package.

Ron:I am starving. I haven't had lunch since yesterday.

Ron:You had me at 'Meat Tornado'.

Ron:You are an unstoppable good idea machine!

Ron:I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.

Ron:The four horse meals of the egg-pork-alypse

Ron:Damn it. Again?

Jack Cooper · Ron:It's Not the Size of the Boat: Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis

Ron:Tammy. My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay. And if I am, she tries to [bleep] everything up.

Tammy · Ron:I was just checking myself for scoliosis. - And? - Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know.

Ron · Tammy:A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy. - Sounds like a real whore.

Ron · Leslie:Good day, Leslie. - Good... good day.

Ron · Wendy:A companion. - Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada? - Canada. No, I don't suppose I would.

Ron:She made me this tiny sharpened stick.

Leslie · Ron:Look, I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends when they get dumped. Men are dogs. - That does not apply to this situation at all.

Ron:It rubbed off... From friction.

Ron:In fact, she's ovulating. So if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.

Ron:We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40-pound bag of peanuts for energy.

Tammy · Ron:Oh, and by the way, last night, I faked four out of the seven. - Hmm. So did I.

Ron:Tom, women like scars. Shows you survived an attack, and they'll assume the attack was from a man.

Ron:I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster. An old Underwood 5 with original carriage return.

Ron:Took her home, polished her up and bought a brand new ribbon off of electronicbay.com

Coworker · Ron:What is he typing, anyway? 'If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter, I'll kill you.'

Ron:I'm going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America.

Ron:Megaphone. Monday.

Ron:Butthole.

Ron:I would never be able to find a worse assistant.

Ron:When you have a fish on the line, you don't just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in or you cut him loose. Especially if he's a nice fish with a big, lovable fish heart.

Ron · Chris:I'm sure I am not. - Ron! You are too. Hydration pack!

Ron:Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

Ron:Jerry scared all the fish away with his loud personal stories.

Ron:All due respect, Ms. Clack, stick a german muffin in it.

Ron:The transom is painted shut.

Ron:No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!

Ron:Dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday. But it's always a good idea to demonstrate to your co-workers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain. Plus, it's always fun to see Tom faint.

Ron:So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake.

Ron:Is that that toothy girl from Mystic Pizza?

Ron:Leslie, I got married twice. Both times, I was a lot older than those two. And both marriages ended in divorce... And a burning effigy.

Ron:Oh, my God, you're right. I get to burn another effigy.

Ron:The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol... From a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

Chris · Ron:Red meat can cause sluggishness, heart disease, even impotence. Has the opposite effect on me.

Ron:Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, yes. Delicious.

Ron:Why would anyone do that to themselves?

Chris · Ron:What do I get if I win? The rarest jewel of all. Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

Ron · April:Who the hell is Forp? I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Forp.

Ron:I buy my burger ingredients at Food and Stuff, a discount food outlet equidistant from my home and my work. I came here for the same reason people go to the zoo.

Ron:Shh. Look at that thing. Nature is amazing.

Store employee · Ron:Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% meatless. Yes, please.

Store employee · Ron · Andy:Sir? Is there a problem? I'm just making sure no one ever has to eat this. I don't think I can give you any more. I want one.

Ron:I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food. And most of my stuff.

Ron:Nope. Just the crows and the beef.

Ron:Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want. I couldn't care less.

Ron:Okay, everyone, shut up! And look at me! Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big. Some are small. People did them, and they are here now.

Ron:I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it.

Ron:Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.

Ron:I just grab a few donuts, sit back, and enjoy the show.

Ron:I loved that pillar. It made it really annoying to stand in my doorway.

Ron · Andy:Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death. Okay.

Ron:I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is 'perflipisklup' because I can't fly spaceships.

Jerry · Ron:Who was that? I don't know. I saw her crying, and so I helped.

Ron · Chris:You have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department. Now, wait a minute. I mean that as a compliment.

Ron:And you shine a light on him, and he shrinks up faster than an Eskimo's scrotum.

Ron:I may have a compromise.

Ron:When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half-mast, I thought, 'All right. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But then I found out it was Li'I Sebastian. Half-mast is too high. Show some damned respect.

Ron · Ben · Leslie:Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night. Okay, okay. And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss. Whoa. Eleanor likes the tongue.

Ron:I think if you would know one thing about me, it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.

Ron:I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven, and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'I Sebastian had passed.

Ron:You have no interest in government work, and you slow everything down with your selfish attitude. I'd love for you to stick around, Tommy. It'll be damn hard to replace you. But I'll support you either way.

Ron:An hour ago, a giant fireball consumed my entire face. And it was far preferable to spending another second with you.

Ron:No, my other ex-wife, Tammy. Tammy One.

Ron:I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting right now, I'm using all of them.

Ron:Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it or it will begin to smell.

Ron:If you're going to stay here, there are three rules you need to follow. One, no talk about Tammy One. Two, no talk about Ben. Three, no talk.

Ron:You just violated rules number one and three. You lose your coffee privileges.

Leslie · Ron:I'd really love to shoot a gun right now. Fishing it is.

Leslie · Ron:I figure we build a fire, roast the fish we shot, and make s'mores. I don't have the material for s'mores. I do. I always carry emergency s'more rations in my car.

Ron · Leslie:You only have nine toes? I have the toes I have. Let's just leave it at that.

Ron · Leslie:Will you pledge right now not to raise taxes? I think that's premature. No pledge, no vote.

Ron:She has the tracking ability and body odor of a bloodhound.

Ron:First of all, income tax is illegal

Ron:This is just another way for her to put her hand up my keister and control me like a puppet

Ron:Are you broken?

Ron:I've heavily invested in gold, which I've buried in several different locations around Pawnee. Or have I?

Ron:That is a gentleman's agreement. I made that man a dining room table in exchange for 60 feet of copper pipe and a half pig

Ron:Every 30 days, I buy shotgun shells and cigarettes, and send them home to my mom

Ron:My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My mom's name is Tamara. She goes by Tammy

Ron:Visual gag: Ron's uncomfortable silence after revealing his Tammy pattern

Ron:We first took up together when I was 15

Ron:She was my math teacher in middle school and my babysitter, and she taught drivers ed

Ron:You know, sometimes, you eat chicken and you get food poisoning, and then even the sight of chicken makes you sick? Tammy One is my blonde chicken

Ron:Leslie, you goofball. Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it

Ron:Hey, Jer. Hump day, am I right, buddy?

Ron · Leslie:Yesterday, she converted my bank account into a joint bank account with her. Oh. That's great. And how is that going to help? Not sure

Ron:These emails aren't going to send themselves

Ron:Leslie, please. The government knows what it's doing

Ron:Oh, gosh. I'm really in a pickle now

Ron:The thing I love about Tammy is she calls me on my crap. Every guy needs that

Ron:That's decoy gold. You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground, where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all

Ron:Usually, I only read nautical novels and my own personal manifestos

Unknown character · Ron:Okay, mine just says, 'Get well soon.' Aren't you sick? No. Something's off.

Ron:I've never used a phone in my life.

Andy · Ron:You're stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing that you bring with you? Silence.

Ron · Andy:When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them. That's a genius move. Thank you. You're welcome, Lester.

Leslie · Ron · Ben:Damn it. He's right. Well said. Thanks, Ron. You're welcome, Steve.

Ron:My first wedding ceremony took two hours. Because after the priest said, 'Repeat after me,' I fell silent.

Ron:and I suppose in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.

Ron:The second gift is the box itself.

Ron:your self-indulgent ethnic food court isn't helping.

Ron:We have one activity planned. Not getting killed.

Ron:And I'll thank you to keep the ruckus down so my boys can focus on solitude.

Ron:This forum, like all public forums, is a waste of time. Thank you.

Delivery person · Leslie · Ron:Is this the Pawnee Goddesses? I've got the puppies you ordered. / Oh, the puppies for the puppy party that we're having in our cabin? Those puppies? / What? No...

Ron:When did kids get so interested in fun?

Ron:This will be no fun at all.

Ron:A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight. Filled with jelly beans.

Ron · Jerry:You, bean bag, come with me. I'm an eggplant. I don't care. Come with me.

Ron:The Zorpies are ridiculous. But like the Founding Fathers, I believe in absolute freedom of religion. Also their ceremonies require the playing of flutes.

Ron:Flutes are $80 apiece, and recorders are $150.

Ron:That was Symphony for the Righteous Destruction of Humanity in E Minor by the late Lou Presotovich.

Ron:Socket wrench sounds pretty good, actually.

Ron:Well, I'm a practicing none of your...business.

Leslie · Ron:If the world was ending tomorrow, I'd want to be with him. Well, that's significant. The problem is, Leslie, the world is not ending tomorrow. The sun's going to rise right over there. It will be a regular Friday, and you'll be in the exact same position you were in before.

Leslie · Ron:Look! I'll let you be America. / And teach kids that not only is government good but that there should be a World-wide super-government? I'd rather sand down my toenails.

Ron:Every three weeks, I have to sand down my toenails. They're too strong for clippers.

Ron:Then two days ago, I saw him spraying cologne samples at Macy's.

Ron:He said he liked ethnic girls, Tom.

Ron:Competent enough to keep the bosses off my back, but selfish enough to slow down all the work. Tom Haverfords don't grow on trees. If they did, I'd sell 'em. Tommy trees.

Ron · April:Listen, I was trying to buy this hand-crafted mahogany wood model of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft. - Aw, for me? - Don't sass me.

Ron · April:And I went to this website, and this ad popped up that said 'Hey, Ron Swanson! Check out this great offer.' What's your question? My question is, what the hell?

Ron · Ann · Leslie:I don't know the names of the other department heads. I'll go with him. Seriously? With the men in this office?

Ron:Stop, please. I don't like to give out my address to anyone, much less have it on an official record.

Leslie · Ron:9301 Cedarcrest Dr-- - Beep! I didn't hear that. 9301 Cedarcrest Drive!

Ron:I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.

Ron:When a good person does something bad, they own up to it. They try to learn something from it, and they move on.

Ron:Every year, I give Leslie the same present I give everyone: A crisp $20 bill. And every year, she gets me something thoughtful and personal. It makes me furious.

Ron:She had it installed over the weekend. [Ron looking at elaborate bathroom setup]

April · Ron · Ann:We make a gingerbread version of the office. That's so good! I think the wood model is-- and we can decorate our offices with candy canes and gumdrops! That would be so adorable! Thanks, Ron! That's such a cute idea!

Andy · Ron:See? His arms are crossed because he's mad at all the other marshmallow workers for annoying him. You like it? It's fine.

Ron:I can handcraft 17-foot canoes out of western red cedar, but I can't glue two damn Graham crackers together!

Ron:Turns out, I cannot make a gingerbread house, which would bother me if I were an 8-year-old girl.

Ron:THIS BOWLING ALLEY HAS MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT IN PAWNEE.

Ron:WHEN I EAT, IT IS THE FOOD THAT IS SCARED.

Ron:STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. NO HOOK, NO SPIN, NO FUSS. ANYTHING MORE AND THIS BECOMES FIGURE SKATING.

Ron:SON, PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU.

Ron:TOM, I'M ASKING YOU AS A MAN TO STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY.

Ron:I AM VERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

Ron:ARE YOU A FEMALE BIRD?

Ron:COME ON, TWEETY BIRD, LET'S GET YOU SOME ICE.

Ron:SON OF A BITCH.

Ron:I WAS NEVER HERE, AND YOU WILL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

Leslie · Ron:Great attitude, Ron. Sorry. I was talking to these ribs.

Ron:But something wicked with a book is my ex-wife from the library. Which means I'm the one that succumbs.

Ron:Well, they always say break glass in case of an emergency.

Ben · Ron:Ron, you're a genius. Li'l Sebastian. Yep. At first, you did not understand what made this tiny horse so special. And now, you love him more than I do.

Ron · Leslie:I absolutely do not want to solve a series of riddles and clues, each more intricate than the last. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah. I got it, Ron. Good. I do want that. Please do that for me.

Ron · Andy:DoubleTime, you said? Little brick building over on Liondale Road? Yeah. You know the one? No.

Ron · Tom:So if you happen to see any memorabilia laying around, kindly and discreetly discard it. You got it, Duke. Don't call me that.

Tom · Ron:Where is that saxophone coming from? I don't know. I don't know the first thing about music.

Leslie · Ron:Or I own four identical versions of the same sweater. No, you don't, there's an old lollipop that's been stuck to the back since Tuesday.

Ron:Jerry's work is often adequate.

Ron:I used to work in a sheet metal factory, but then a job came along at the tannery. The hours were better, and I would get paid. Also I'd have the chance to work with leather both before and after it was on the cow, which had always been a dream of mine.

Leslie · Ron:How old were you? 11.

Ron:Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

Chris · Ron:The world's my gymnasium, Ron. But I will stop if it makes you uncomfortable. Could you hold me while I dismount?

Ron:I work hard to make sure my department is as small and ineffective as possible.

Ron:Reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my sixth birthday. I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.

Ron:We may be in for a good, old-fashioned shake-up.

Ron:My father once told my mother that woman was made from the rib of Adam, and my mom broke his jaw

Ron:How much is a Walkman nowadays? Probably more than $20. Here's $25.

Ron:Some are simple, like take down traffic lights and eliminate the post office. The bigger ones will be tougher, like, bring all of this crumbling to the ground.

Ron:There were no thoughts in my head whatsoever. My mind was blank. I don't know what the hell these other crackpots are doing.

Ron:Don't try so hard.

Ron:We're all just molecules floating around in random patterns, devoid of meaning.

Ron:I'm a rolling stone. Peace.

Ron:You would no longer be a government parasite, sucking the lifeblood from honest, hardworking people.

Ron:He asked me to tell anyone who comes in that he wishes to remain undisturbed, so as to better clarify his head space.

Ron:Barbecues should be about one thing. Good shared meat.

Jerry · Ron:Well, Ron, can we at least have corn on the cob? No.

Ron · Tom:His name is Tom. Burn. Seriously? No, I understand that it's hilarious. But that is his given Christian name.

Ron:Which one of you youngsters wants to help me drain the blood from this animal? If you do a good job, I'll give you the bladder. You can blow it up for a fun play ball.

Ben · Ron:This just says, 'I can do what I want.' I am the director of the Parks Department and this is a park.

Ron · Chris:You can get water from that water fountain and use it to water down the beer. Why not just give the kids water? I suppose you could do that.

Ron:But by the time this day is over, they will have been taken by the grill and delicately and tenderly shown the ways of flavorful meat-love.

Ron:I gave them to the kids. They love them. They're skipping them across the pond.

Ron:Get me a refill.

Ron:So what? I've tried to fire you.

Ron:No, no, no, no. I tried to fire you four times.

Ron:Right. That was the worst thing you were.

Ron:Government is inefficient and should be dissolved. Please hold while I transfer you.

Ron · Donna:Well, how do I get I.T. Here? / Call 311.

Ron · Andy:Andrew, get your lunch, some water, and a 40-pound bag of asphalt. / Hey!

Ron:No, no. This is 311. / Donna, they switched my phone with 911.

Andy · Ron:Seaweed choke! / That large boy is my colleague.

Ron · Diane:Right? / So, how exactly are you gonna fix this hole? Just for my own edification.

Ron:'A,' I don't recall inviting you in here, and 'B,' I did not like her.

Chris · Ron:Is that a euphemism? / No. / Then great work.

Ron:No need to wear makeup.

Ron:I do not like this.

Ron:I once had you put together a brochure about different kinds of Indiana topsoil.

Ron:Breakfast food can serve many purposes.

Ron · Others:I like her. Whoa! Wow!

Ron:I borrowed some markers from Leslie and some stickers from Leslie and a Lite-Brite which I got from Andy.

Ron:They're not infants.

Ron:Of course. I'd be delighted.

Ron · Ann:Stand back, ladies! Ron, no, no, no, no! That's dangerous!

Ron:For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem?

Kids · Ron:Ron loves Mommy! Ron loves Mommy! I love nothing!

Ron:I love nothing!

Ron:What a gorgeous herbaceous medley. There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

Ron:Is a gerbil marrying a rabbit?

Ron:I'm really feeling these sheets--very cozy.

Ron:Oh, this is just a drill, but I am having so much fun pretending it's real.

Ron:Great leadership-- inspiring.

Ron:She has a bad hangover, which she is pretending is allergies.

Ron:Wouldn't know-- never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan-fried in salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep.

Ron:Woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships, meat, that sort of thing.

Ron:Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. That'll mask the scratches. Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless.

Ron:Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons.

Ron:Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country.

Ron:I've seen three movies in my life-- Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny.

Ron:I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. It's been a very rewarding day.

Leonard · Ron:Have you ever thought of being a sperm donor? I'm impotent. Yeah, I don't need to know that.

Ron:It would be an honor, and the first time I won't regret walking down the aisle.

Ron:I should point out that you said 'duty' twice.

Ron:How much do you think Ann would miss this sconce?

Ron:Any moron with a crucible, an acetylene torch, and a cast-iron waffle maker could have done the same. Whole thing only took me about 20 minutes. People who buy things are suckers.

Leslie · Ron:Ron, this is the Hawaiian god of anger. It reminded us of you when you're at work. - A handsome gentleman.

Ron · Leslie:The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently. - That's not really a joke, Ron. - I disagree. I find it hilarious.

Ron:Sorry, the door was open. I wish this office had only walls.

Ann · Ron:I want my friend to do something for me, and I don't know how to ask him. What do you want him to do? Plant ficuses. In my front yard.

Ron:Grossest metaphor ever. I've seen your house. You'd have more success if he planted ficuses in your backyard.

Ron · Ann:Then plant the damn ficuses yourself. - I wish that were possible.

Ann · Ron:Do you see what is happening with Chris and Shauna? They are flirting like crazy. It's disgusting. They're in public. - That's called a conversation.

Ann · Ron:Ron, there are no ficuses, okay? I wanted to ask Chris to be the father of my baby. - Good God.

Ron:There is nothing more disgusting than an invasion of privacy. And I should know. I've had many women steal my undershirts.

Ron:You can't hack into a typewriter. That's all I have to say.

Ann · Ron:I gotta tell you, Ron. You were absolutely and totally right. I know. Stop talking and get out.

Ron · Process Server:Free dinner from St. Elmo Steak House bait and switch - Ron immediately reveals his identity when offered free steak

Ron:I don't like you. But I respect the effort.

Ron:$46 million for psychological damages

Ron:As I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.

Ron:Ron's delayed violent reaction after appearing calm, followed by the crash sound

Ron:There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Ron:You even called me a... [whispers] vegetarian.

Ron:He looks like he could use a swift punch in the face though.

Ron:If it were me, I would have just punched him in the face.

Ron:Truthfully, I barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail, and his arms are weak. And when I punched him, he dropped so quickly, I thought he was diving towards the ground.

Ron:I regret nothing. The end.

Ron:I do know how many pounds of money I have.

Ron:Usually, I take it neat, but I will make an exception in the name of health.

Ron:Last night, I watched a movie with Diane and the girls in which an orange fish is separated from his father.

Doctor · Ron:For 'date of birth,' you wrote 'springtime.'

Ron:One shelf.

Ron:Lovemaking and woodworking.

Ron:I have an uncle who does yoga.

Ron:Cowardice and weak-willed men. And hazelnuts.

Ron:Epic and private.

Ron:Balsa wood? You could at least use mahogany.

Ron:Ribs are better smoked than grilled, so un-nailed it, with the back part of the hammer.

Ron:What's 'cholesterol'?

Ron:I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.

Ron:First of all, you don't steer a locomotive. The tracks do.

Ron:"First of all, you don't steer a locomotive. The tracks do."

Ron:Money, fear, and hunger.

Ron · Chris:File! / Oh, my goodness. Money, fear, hunger.

Ron · Jerry:Jerry, thank you for your service. Good-bye. Thanks, Ron. That speech means a lot.

Ron:Okay, see you tomorrow, Jerry.

Ron:Well, Jerry was never really the type to rise above mediocrity or to it.

Ron · Andy:Ronfire of the vanities. Filo Pilo.

Ron · Leslie:Once again, I object in the strongest possible terms. Once again, noted.

Ron · Jerry · Leslie:Jerry returning as part-time employee after retirement

Ron:I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful projects, future projects, and past projects. The Hoover Dam is a travesty.

Ron:Do you expect me to make a chair out of transistor chips and small wires?

Ron:Why is there a gorilla guarding this gingerbread house?

Ron · Leslie:I will call him '$9,000 of taxpayer money the gorilla.' That is a terrible-- his name is Mr. Fuzzyface!

Ron:Lending? Makes it sound like I had a choice in the matter. I never should've agreed to this or let you know that I have a cabin or gotten to know any of you.

Ron:We only ever subscribe to two magazines, Reader's Digest and Ebony. Ebony was due to a clerical error, but it ended up being an interesting year of reading.

Ron:Passing the buck-- the last refuge of the cowardly and black-hearted.

Ron:Couldn't cook 'em fast enough. The last ten were still in the shell.

Ron:The world is a nightmare.

Ron · Other Ron:Is that your name, or are you telling me you're finished talking? Both. Dunne and done.

Ron:geography will never change your feelings

Ron:I once thought I had a friend. Then it turned out he was the single worst person I have ever met.

Unknown · Ron:Whoa. I am pretty sure you shouldn't have a weapon at work. Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours.

Ron:You need that many pages to say, 'Give my stuff to my wife'?

Ron:Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me.

Ben · Ron:What are these weird symbols? The man who kills me will know.

Ron:The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor.

Ron:Where is this lawyer you speak of?

Trevor · Ron:Is this a joke? Another word for 'jokes' is 'lies.' I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.

Ron:I was right not to be threatened by you.

Ben · Ron:Oh, you're joking. Yes, son, I am. First joke ever. Don't care for it.

Ron:I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.

Ron:I'd never lose to a boar.

Ben · Ron:Ron, I'm-- I'm incredibly flattered. Ralph Piatkowski and his wife Helen. He's the Maitre D' at Mulligan's Steakhouse, and he knows me better than anyone.

Ron:this gun is lightweight, there's no sight, and we are far too close to these deer. Would they not smell us? I want my money back. How do I get my quarters?

Ron:I am not a sore loser. It's just that I prefer to win. And when I don't, I get furious.

Donna · Ron:I thought you were serious. / Come on, now. You know I don't give a [bleep].

Donna · Ron:Why are you covered in blood? / Don't worry. It's not human.

Ron · Donna:Now, that's what I call shooting. / That's a new record. / Hey, look at that. You finally made it into the top ten. / Now, you can enter your initials. / My initials are private.

Tom · Ron:Ron, can you put some more tiny marshmallow in my hot chocky?

Ron:Maybe you should try taking a walk... Out of my office.

Tom · Ron:Ron! You're in Bloosh! / What? / Ron's in Bloosh? / Ron is in Bloosh!

Tom · Ron:Someone's getting a new leather jacket. / I don't want a leather jacket. / It's for me. This is a great day!

Tom · Ron:Hey, Ron, baby, what are the hot deets on Bloosh? / Start over and speak differently.

Donna · Ron:Oof, you got a long way to go, Swanson. / I regret everything.

Joan · Annabel · Ron:Finally. / But my fave new item is a deliciously bold chair... / Did that woman call my chair 'delicious'?

Annabel · Ron:Even better, use it as a focal point in your yoga tent. / Put it by a table and eat a meal.

Ron · Annabel:If my chairs were mass-produced, they wouldn't be Swanson chairs. Swanson chairs are handmade. / Yes, and now they will be made by thousands of tiny Chinese hands.

Ron:The only thing that's important at the end of the day is what's on your gravestone... Your name.

Ron · Tom:For sale. Small house. Location: Forest. It's a little wordy, don't you think?

Ron:Current owner will not clean up shotgun shells or animal carcasses. Fine, I'll clean up the shotgun shells, but the carcasses remain to fertilize my berry patch.

Ron:Fine, I'll clean up the shotgun shells, but the carcasses remain to fertilize my berry patch.

Ron:I just can't justify owning four cabins. Two cabins.

Ron:Plus, it doesn't have these razor-sharp perimeter defense planks sticking out of the ground.

Tom · Ron:Ron, you want to stay outside and do nothing while they make your cabin look like garbage? I'd like that very much. We can watch the shadows get longer.

Ron:I would like to buy five DVDs of this. No, 20. No, 60! No, that's insane. 20.

Tom · Ron:Glamping is 'glamour camping.' Heated tents, catered meals, wi-fi-- You're describing a hotel.

Ron:I bought that cabin 18 years ago for $2,200. I do not care about the money.

Leslie · Ron:Leslie insisting on interviewing for her own job despite Ron's protests

Ron:I also walked you down the aisle at your wedding

Ron:Give it all back to the taxpayers

Ron:Then you betrayed me and turned them into efficient and caring government employees

Ron:Stamp the damn form.

Ron:Tom put all my records into this rectangle!

Ron:The songs just play one right after the other! This is an excellent rectangle!

Ron:I would have preferred a regular hamburger for eating, but this is very nice.

Ron:I have enjoyed parts of our time together.

Ron:This is my contribution. It says 'Ron.'

Ron:It's quarter-sawn zebra wood adjoined by floating tenons to the black walnut corner posts. Finished with a wiping varnish that's a secret Swanson family recipe.

Ron:Salt water will warp the wood. So keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.

Ron:Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.

Ron · April:Who's it going to? Canada. It says, 'Dear Canada, you.'

Ron:Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

Ron:A vegan is gonna physically attack me? They're basically made of glass.

Ron:Dear God, woman.

Leslie · Ron:Oh, my God, whose baby is that? That would be mine.

Ron:John middle name redacted Swanson

Ron:John was born some time ago, weighing multiple pounds and several ounces

Ron:Much like his father, he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

Ron:Why would you need to know something like that?

Ron:Just let her tire herself out.

Ron · Leslie:Could one of you please stop by the pet store and pick up some fish food for me? When did you get a fish?

Ron:I've taken great pains to see as little of this building as possible. Turns out the third floor is silent, empty, and completely free of government work.

Ron:My son is several weeks old. He's quite familiar with the sound of power tools.

Ron:I'm sure the government believed you when you told them that, and I tip my cap to you for profiting off their ignoe. But I'm offering you two months paid vacation and the ability to take credit for my work, which will be flawless.

Ron:Yesterday, I fixed that old steam radiator. Threaded a new valve into the side, removed the handle from the base, unscrewed the packing nut from the stem. This subpar toolbox only had one wrench, so I was lucky it was a three-quarters or I'd have been screwed.

Ron:You like fixing this town, Leslie, you always have. You know it's an uphill battle, but you love the struggle.

Ron:You like fixing this town, Leslie, you always have. You know it's an uphill battle, but you love the struggle.

Ron:What's that? Nothing. Clearing my throat.

Ron:Most people in this world, John, are ass[bleep]. This is the best day I've ever spent in a government building, and luckily my son was here to share it with me.

Ron:He now has that satisfied look that only comes with the pride of labor. Or he pooped. Either way, well done, John.

Ron:I have a twin brother.

Ron:If my secret got out, this office would be waist-deep in women's undergarments.

Ron:I am ending my secret musical career. I have to kill Duke Silver.

Ron:May you rest...in jazz.

Ron:Yes. That is what has happened.

Ron:Spending the day outside alone sounds like a dream.

Ron:I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss. Silence, the absence of noise, one single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children's TV program called Doc McStuffins.

Ron:There is no quiet anymore. There is only Doc McStuffins.

Ron:All I wanted was two hours where I got to forget that I was a parent.

Andy · Ron:Ron, look. I found all three differences. Those are two completely different pictures.

Ron · Allison:What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of freedom? That's what he calls city hall.

Ron:I once did him a favor. I built his sawmill.

Ron:I attended prom with Susan Hofler. Picked her up in my truck, we slow-danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at the quarry. I was 12 years old.

Ron:I just spoke with Tim Hautner from the sawmill on my mobile telephone, and he's offering Allison a paying job.

Ron:I have never told you this, but I actually have a ten-point scale for how insane you are being. I observe your behavior, and if it's a five or below, I say nothing.

Ron:Blueprints for the future are a fool's errand. They're like blueprints for a house. Nice to have, but any foreman with half a brain doesn't need to look at them.

Ron:Ron's color spectrum drinking rule: "I don't drink alcohol from that portion of the color spectrum"

Ron:Ron's wine venting timer: "You may vent for as long as it takes me to drink this bottle of wine"

Ben · Ron:Ron's terrible counseling feedback: "You are a wonderful guy, and I admire many things about you. But you're a terrible person to discuss personal problems with"

Ron:Ron's positive response: "Thank you, friend. That really means a lot to me"

Ron:Ron's walking direction: "Home is that way" pointing completely wrong direction

Ron:Keep your voice down, woman!

Ron:Tammy two once seduced a coroner and had me declared legally dead just so she could get a discount on a plane ticket.

Ron:My name is Ron Swanson. I am Donna's work-proximity associate.

Ron:I'm onto you, friend. Tread lightly.

Ron · Joe:Without having to reset the fence.

Ron:Don't confuse drama with happiness.

Ron:I'm sure you will both raise a wonderful child with whom I will profoundly disagree on nearly everything.

Ron:Who do you think I am, Thomas Hucker?

Ron:It was too perfect. It looked machine-made.

Ron:Guess I have to start over. Who wants to go look for trees with me?

Ron:Because you currently owe me $16,000. For the wood. The labor was free, but the wood was a bargain. At $16,000.

Ron:Only a moron would ever live anywhere other than Pawnee, Indiana. Leslie Knope, multiple occasions.

Ron:They're just gonna make each other so miserable.

Ron:Who do you think I am, Thomas Hucker?

Ron:This is not government work. As such, I treat it with care and attention.

Ron:It was too perfect. It looked machine-made.

Ron · Tom:Because you currently owe me $16,000. For the wood. What?

Andy · Ron:Come on, Ron. It's gonna be so fun. Thank you, Andrew. But fun or not, playing music is something I like to keep private, along with my family, my conversations, and my whereabouts at all times.

Ron:Leslie, don't cry. It's not that great. Doesn't even look like you. Or actually, you know what? It kinda does.

Ron:Now if you'll excuse me, there's a booth over there serving something called 'fried sausage quilts,' so I'm going to buy the booth.

Ron:You will not, no.

Ron:With your courage and small frame, you'd make an excellent coal miner.

Ron · Leslie:Hello, Miss Knope. / Hello, former strange person I used to friend.

Leslie · Ron:You're looking very Ron-like. / You have your same hair. / No, I don't! I have bangs now! / I've never known what bangs are, and I don't intend to learn!

Ron:It's called Very Good Building and Development Company. I wanted to convey the quality of our work without seeming flashy.

Craig · Ron:The trees and rocks and the sky. / Yes. The land has good sky.

Leslie · Ron:This is like Morningstar all over again! / This is nothing like Morningstar. / And that was two years ago.

Ron:I simply took a skewer for one shrimp and added many shrimp to it. They're long enough for five or six. / I fit seven on this one. It's a masterpiece.

Ron:Tammy does not abide by the Geneva Convention.

Ron:She survived on rats and rainwater.

Ron:Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along.

Ron:The only celebrities I recognize are furniture maker Garry Knox Bennett, designer of the notorious 16-penny nail cabinet, and Magnus, the 5x5 bull elk I saw near my cabin two years ago.

Ron:Took a shot at the bastard, and he stuck his antlers through the door of my meat shed. One day, Magnus, I will wear you as a jacket.

Ron:That horrifying Lifestyle Newsletter filled with vegan recipes and pointless tchotchkes?

Ron · Terry · Ben:Terry, what's Leslie up to? She is trying to find a historical reason to earmark the land for preservation. Terry, come on, man

Ron:This is exactly what I imagined heaven looks like. Right down to the unisex linen tunics.

Ron:Here to introduce our vision is Annabel Porter from Bloosh, and the sexy ladies known in Pawnee as the Somebody's Daughter dancers.

Ron:You're not that good at scrapbooking.

Leslie · Ron:both: Damn it, Terry!

Ron:I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for ten hours.

Ron:That sounds good. Let's go with that.

Leslie · Ron:What are you doing? - I destroyed the monitor!

Leslie · Ron:What if we have an emergency and have to get out of here? - I did not consider that possibility!

Ron:You, of all people, should know that, Lauren.

Ron:I'll take that bet at any odds, for any amount of money, over any length of time stretching from now into infinity.

Ron · Leslie:Stop this! - ♪ Eisenhower, vaccine ♪ - I will speak with you for three minutes.

Ron:We were work proximity associates.

Ron:Work proximity associate-ships.

Ron:Ron making a key and escaping

Ron:The name of the store is 'Food and Stuff.' They sell food, and they sell stuff.

Leslie · Ron:It's called Whole Foods. - And is that really the reason? - No.

Ron:The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago. I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door

Ron · Leslie:It's in the Constitution. - There's no cursing in the Constitution.

Ron:The claymore mine explodes with party music and confetti

Ron · Leslie:You mean to tell me I have had a toy on my desk for ten years? - You mean to tell me you've thought you had an actual land mine on your desk?

Leslie · Ron:This is my best shot. - Is that nuclear waste?

Ron:You called me a heartless thug.

Ron:Those brownies were damn good.

Ron:Ron soaked and wearing Craig's yoga clothes

Ron:I feel extremely angry.

Leslie · Ron:we needed a mindless factotum, and he's the best there is. - Amen.

Ron:I was gonna ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just saying it out loud feels dirty.

Ron:Sure, I loved shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside.

Ron:The frame is the gift. When my company took on the Morningstar development, and I realized it meant bulldozing Ann's old house, I salvaged her front door.

Ron · Leslie:Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food? - People are idiots, Ron.

Ron:What, I'm just gonna carry around pictures of my child where anyone could see them?

Ron:and they do seem to, as they say, 'keep it 100.'

Ron:December 18, 2015. That was the opening day of Star Wars: Episode VII. You were muttering that date in your sleep for months.

Ron:Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?

Ron:That's why the only contract I've ever signed is my Mulligan's Steakhouse club card. And even then, I used a fake name. Les. Les Vegetables.

Ron:This is a flying robot I just shot out of the sky after it delivered a package to my house.

Ron:No one is safe from these bastards. Tell me what to do, Leslie. I wanna help you take them down.

Leslie · Ron:We're in sync emotionally. Stop patting my head.

April · Ron:Do mine first. In case something happens to you, I wanna make sure I get paid. Looking out for number one. Always smart.

Ron:Even though I'm a firm believer in the free market, and your failure as a businessman is ultimately to blame, it's still a travesty your diner is closing.

Ron:I can't think of anything more noble to go to war over than bacon and eggs.

Ron:I do not like rallies. And based on what I see from this vantage point, I do not like most of you.

Ron:Please do not approach me on the street after this event and attempt to talk to me. Our similarities begin and end with this single issue.

Ron · Leslie:I do not approve of this. Don't care.