Open Mic

I used a guy this weekend. Yeah, Gwen locked me out. By accident.

Your wife's pregnant in her 40's. How many surprises do you need?

It's either my birthday, or Gloria Estefan's.

Mucho Dias, mes amis.

Okay, turns out it's Gloria's, September 1, 57.

Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?

Roland, why should I be the only one encumbered with this emotional cargo?

might you and I confabulate for a moment in the back room?

No, Moira, I'm not falling for that one.

I assure you it's a salacious bit of Council-related news.

Maybe the storm warning was for yesterday.

Okay, I don't have all the answers.

Or, hey, just like a way. Just one way to engage with the community.

Yes! It was opening day, and there was booze. And people are drunks.

I am open to suggestions.

Oh god. The occasional improve troupe would stop by. I'm um... I'm feeling kind of ill.

Okay, no, worst case scenario, I watch improv.

They're just a placebo effect for people who feel the need to complain.

Those cards are written by embittered people with way too much time on their hands. A lot of these are from Mom.

it's just like a cartoon of a construction worker holding a sign that says 'we'll be right back'.

I had strep at the time.

the woman's voice was aggressive and off-putting. / I had strep at the time.

Um, I actually prefer to be called a freelance brand invigorator.

That's great, because Step 1 of the plan was this presentation, and we nailed it.

his great-great-great great-grandmother accurately guessed the sex of her daughter's baby, and then was put on trial for witchcraft

Toil and trouble.

Is it a girl? Valiant attempt, Jocelyn.

Stupid witch!

This is called an acoustic guitar.

I mean, if you are, confident, to put yourself and our relationship at risk like that, then I am... 87% behind you.

Or more importantly, do I wear anything under it?

What the fuck does that mean?

Okay now, three more steps to your left.

Pretty country girl who doesn't care about big city things like... dressing well, or how she looks.

Stevie's Place sounds like a shelter for battered men.

call it the Budd Inn. And now that I'm saying that out loud, obviously we're not gonna do that.

Don't take it personally, Mr. Rose, it's probably because you didn't know what to do with your hands. Or maybe it's because your face looked like it tasted something sour.

All of a sudden, expected attention has me doubting what I saw. I barely glanced at that paper.

You told me to keep it a secret, and that's exactly what I did, even from myself.

Well, the sticky note, I believe, is also in the safe.

Well that, I will admit, is my blunder.

You're probably thinking like, oh, is my foundation off by a shade? Am I wearing the wrong top? And the bottom line is, maybe.

the more likely you are to take off, and then I will be left here stuck with way more responsibility than I ever asked for.

Johnny's looking half-normal.

Okay, this was not my idea.

You'll let me know if I should pull the fire alarm?

A boy, I believe I told you that.

Why isn't it just Rose Motel? The Rosebud makes it a sad stunted thing.

Okay, well that would just look insane.

not to brag, but this re-brand got me 77% on my final marketing exam.

Enough, David.