The Heart Attack

Jerry:The simple freedom of eating cookies whenever you want. That's what being an adult is all about. You know, as a kid, your parents control everything. 'No cookies before dinner.' 'Finish your vegetables.' But now? Now I can have cookies for breakfast, cookies for lunch, cookies for dinner. I'm living the dream.

Jerry:So now I'm thinking, why stop at 10? Why not 11 cookies? I'm a free man! I can have 11 cookies if I want. That's the beauty of it. Nobody's counting. Well, except me. I'm counting. But I'm counting freely.

Jerry:You know what the problem is with being an adult? You're free to make terrible decisions. And the worst part? You can make the same terrible decision over and over again. Nobody stops you. There's no parent going, 'Hey, didn't you already do that?' No. You just keep doing it.

Jerry:I have to call my mother and tell her what I did.

George:Why would you do that?

Jerry:Because I'm like a little boy. I do something wrong, I have this need to confess to my mother.

Jerry:My mother called me up, she says, 'I have a confession to make.' I said, 'What?' She goes, 'I never liked your girlfriend.'

Jerry:I said, 'Ma, that's not a confession, that's a statement of fact. You've been telling me this for years.'

Jerry:She says, 'Well, I wanted it to be official.' So I said, 'Okay, consider it official. Anything else?' She goes, 'No, that's it.'

Jerry:I hung up the phone. I'm thinking, what am I supposed to do with this information? Change my entire life based on my mother's confession?

Jerry:You know, I think we treat appetites like an endless renewable resource. Like we're never going to run out. But the truth is, appetite is finite. Once it's gone, it's gone. You can't just keep taking and taking without consequences.

TV Actor:I can't believe you've done this to me. After all we've meant to each other, how could you betray me like this?

TV Actress:I had no choice. He forced me to do it. I never wanted to hurt you.

TV Actor:Forced you? FORCED YOU?! There's nothing in this world that could force me to believe that lie!

George:This is an outside cucumber.

Jerry:What's an outside cucumber?

George:A cucumber from outside. You can't bring outside food into Monk's.

Jerry:I'm trying to read my notes from last night. 'Fragile ... Giddy ... Stockings?' What was I thinking?

Jerry:I'm trying to read my notes from last night. 'Master of the house'? I don't remember writing that.

Jerry:Wait, is that 'master'... or 'bastard'? No, that can't be right either.

Jerry:Oh! 'Master of my domain!' That's it. That's the whole bit.

Jerry:What's the deal with questioning your own material? You write a joke, you tell the joke, you move on. You don't sit there and analyze it like you're some kind of comedy scientist.

Jerry:But then you think, 'Wait, is this actually funny? Or am I just saying it's funny because I wrote it?' And now you're trapped in this meta-loop where you can't enjoy your own comedy anymore.

Jerry:That's the real joke—the comedian becoming the audience of his own act. Which, by the way, is not funny. That's just sad.

Elaine:Where's Kramer?

Jerry:I don't know. He's like that hidden character game — you never know where he's going to pop up.

Elaine:He means he's not *literally* a marine biologist, Jerry. He's just saying that to sound impressive.

Jerry:So what did the doctor say?

George:He says there's nothing wrong with me. It's all in my head.

Jerry:So you're fine?

George:I'm fine? I'm dying, Jerry! I watched this thing on the Discovery Channel about a man whose heart exploded.

Jerry:His heart exploded?

George:It just burst. One day he's making a sandwich, the next day boom — he's all over the kitchen.

Jerry:So you're watching TV, there's a show about anorexia, and you're eating a sandwich.

George:Yeah, I know, I know. It's not right.

Jerry:What do you do? You can't eat the sandwich.

George:I put it down.

Jerry:You put down the sandwich. But then the show goes off, and three minutes later, you're eating a herring.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

George:I'm having a heart attack!

Kramer:You're not having a heart attack.

George:How do you know? You're not a doctor. This is discrimination! You can't just decide who is and isn't having a heart attack. It's a civil right!

George:I don't understand. Why do we have to go to St. Vincent's? I like the emergency room at Mt. Sinai better.

Jerry:What are you talking about? They're hospitals, not shoe stores.

George:So? I like the facilities better. The waiting area is nicer. They have better magazines.

George:I've never been in a hospital in my life.

Jerry:What about when you were born?

George:No, no, I was born at home.

George:I was in the hospital for my tonsillectomy, and the doctor comes in, he says, 'George, we're gonna have to remove your tonsils.' I said, 'Doctor, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation. When I was a kid, I had this experience with my tonsils that really—'

Jerry:George, nobody cares about your tonsils.

George:See, that's what the doctor said!

George:You know, I was thinking about ice cream the other day. It's such a perfect food. You can have it any time of year, any time of day. Summer, winter, doesn't matter. And the flavors! Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, mint chip... I mean, who comes up with these combinations?

Jerry:George, nobody cares.

Doctor:These results are highly unusual. Your heart appears to be shaped like a pastrami sandwich.

George:Is that bad?

Doctor:Well, it's delicious, but medically speaking, it's a concern.

Doctor:You have a severe case of network sitcom syndrome.

Jerry:Network sitcom syndrome?

Doctor:Yes, it's very common in New York comedians.

Jerry:Network sitcom syndrome... I've never heard of it.

Kramer:So if anything happens to you, I get the jacket, right?

George:What? Why would you get my jacket?

Kramer:Well, you know, if you die or something.

George:I'm not dying, Kramer.

Kramer:I'm just saying, hypothetically, if you were to pass... the jacket comes to me.

Kramer:George, I want the jacket.

George:What? You can't have the jacket. I'm not dead yet.

Kramer:Come on, you're dying. What do you need it for?

George:I might get cold.

Kramer:So what's the deal with the jacket?

George:What do you mean, 'what's the deal'? It's a jacket.

Kramer:Yeah, but where'd you get it?

George:I bought it. At a store.

Kramer:And while we're at it, what about you and that woman from the office? You ever gonna ask her out?

George:Kramer, I don't need you asking about my love life.

George:Wait, Susan Davis wants me to be in her wedding?

Kramer:Yeah, she's been talking about it for weeks.

George:But I barely know her!

Kramer:So? She likes you.

George:Just kill me. Kill me now. I can't take this anymore. I'm begging you, just end it all.

George:Just kill me. Put me out of my misery.

Jerry:Okay.

Jerry:*mimes smothering George with a pillow*

Elaine:What is wrong with you? You're like a little child with a security blanket!

Elaine:Hey George, how are you feeling?

George:I'm terrible, I feel awful.

Elaine:Oh, that's too bad. So, your apartment... is it rent-controlled?

George:I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna walk over there and I'm gonna talk to her.

George:Hello. My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Jerry:My name is Jerry.

Doctor:I have your test results.

George:Am I gonna die?

Doctor:We all are eventually.

George:But soon? Like, before I finish this coffee?

George:Everything's fine. There's nothing wrong with me.

Jerry:Yeah, there's plenty wrong with you.

George:Doctor, I was wondering about my tonsillectomy when I was a kid. Do you have any records of that?

Doctor:Well, let me check your file here. Yes, I see it. You had your tonsils removed when you were eight years old.

George:Right, right. So they're definitely gone, correct? I mean, they can't grow back or anything?

Doctor:No, George. Once tonsils are removed, they don't grow back. That's permanent.

George:Because I've been having this problem, and I was thinking maybe... they grew back?

Doctor:George, that's medically impossible. Tonsils do not regenerate in humans.

George:So you're telling me I'm just stuck with whatever this is?

Jerry:You can't regrow your tonsils. Once they're out, they're out. It's like... it's like if you burned your comic books, you can't just grow new ones.

Elaine:My father had his tonsils out when he was a kid. My mother refused to have hers removed. She said they were part of God's design.

Elaine:So my parents couldn't kiss. For thirty years, they couldn't kiss because of tonsils.

Jerry:My family had the opposite policy. My parents wouldn't take my tonsils out no matter what. I could have had a tonsil hanging down my throat like a uvula and they'd be like, 'Leave it alone, it's probably just a phase.'

Elaine:It's like Romeo and Juliet, except instead of feuding families, it's competing tonsil removal philosophies.

Jerry:You know what's interesting about attraction? It's like your brain and your body are having two completely different conversations. Your brain's like, 'She's intelligent, well-read, fascinating person.' Your body's like, 'Yeah, yeah, but look at her shoes.'

Kramer:You know, this hospital cafeteria is amazing. The food is incredible. It's like eating at a four-star restaurant.

Jerry:Kramer, it's a hospital cafeteria.

Kramer:No, no, no. You don't understand. This is better than Applebee's.

Kramer:Surgery? What kind of surgery?

Kramer:They're gonna go in there with a scalpel, start poking around. Who knows what they're gonna find? Could be anything. They might nick something, sever a nerve. You could end up a vegetable.

Kramer:I knew a guy, went in for a simple procedure. Came out with a permanent limp. The doctors, they don't tell you these things.

Jerry:Wait, so you're telling me I can't have sex because of my heart?

Kramer:That's what the doctor said. He showed me this chart of the human heart during intercourse. It was like a crime scene in there.

Jerry:A crime scene?

Kramer:Blood everywhere, valves slamming shut like prison doors. I couldn't unsee it, Jerry. I couldn't unsee it.

Kramer:Yeah, Bob had this surgery, right? And the guy, he nicked something. Now Bob's got this weird thing going on with his side. It's like, he's all lopsided now.

Kramer:He's a rebel.

Jerry:He's not a rebel. A rebel is someone who fights against the system. He's just a guy who doesn't follow the rules. There's a difference. A rebel would be like the Magnificent Seven. This guy is just... a guy.

Kramer:Four thousand dollars? Jerry, I know a guy.

Jerry:You know a guy? What guy?

Kramer:A guy who does acupuncture out of his apartment. Fifty bucks.

Jerry:Fifty bucks? Kramer, this is a hospital.

Kramer:So? It's the same thing.

George:I'm tired of all this healthy living. Eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep. What's it all for? So I can live longer? I don't want to live longer, I want to live better. Why can't I just skip ahead? Go straight from childhood to old age. Get right to the good stuff.

George:It's like doing my taxes. I sit down, I'm dreading it, I know it's going to be painful, there's forms I don't understand, and by the end of it I'm confused and angry and I've lost money.

George:And another thing - why do pickles always slip out of the jar? You reach in there with a fork, and they just shoot across the counter like little green hockey pucks!

George:I was born in April.

The Healer:April? That's the worst month to be born in.

Jerry:An apple a day keeps the doctor away. You know what? An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if the doctor is evil.

Jerry:An invasion of heat and wind? That sounds like my last relationship.

Jerry:Oh, that sounds great! What else is in it?

Healer:Essence of bark, a pinch of tree fungus, and a little bit of moss.

Jerry:Moss? You're putting moss in my tea? What am I, a stone?

Jerry:Wait, what herb is that?

Healer:Cleavers.

Jerry:Cleavers? I thought you said 'Chivas.' I was about to say, that's a Scotch!

Jerry:You take that herb and suddenly you can lift a car with one hand.

Jerry:So I'm reading the label on this herbal tea, right? And it's got all these ingredients - echinacea, ginseng, St. John's Wort... And I'm thinking, this killed Moe.

Jerry:What does this say? I can't read my own handwriting.

Tor:Let me see that. Hmm, 76 to 89, Knicks over the Celtics.

Jerry:That's not basketball scores, that's my grocery list!

George:What is this stuff? It tastes like a meadow.

George:Oh no, oh no... I can't breathe. I'm having an allergic reaction.

Elaine:George, what's wrong?

George:The tea! There's something in here... is that a turnip? That's a turnip! Who puts a turnip in tea?!

Jerry:So I'm in the ambulance, and the guy's telling me about his back injury. I'm thinking, 'This is great, I'm getting a personal health history from a guy who's supposed to be saving my life.' Then he starts complaining about his chiropractor. I said, 'You know what? Maybe you should try a different chiropractor.' He goes, 'That's what my wife said!' So now I'm giving medical advice in an ambulance. That's my new thing. I'm Dr. Seinfeld.

Jerry:A Chuckle? It's a candy. You know, the little round ones with the different flavors - cherry, orange, lemon. You suck on it, it changes color as you go down to the center.

Elaine:Come on, just one little kiss goodnight.

Jerry:No, no. Do you realize what you're asking? You're asking me to take my lips, which are mucous membranes, and press them against your mucous membranes.

Elaine:Oh my God.

Jerry:It's disgusting. We're basically rubbing our open sores together.

Elaine:I can't stay long, I have a doctor's appointment.

Elaine:Yeah, my new doctor. He's got this weird thing where he's always looking at your tongue. I mean, always. For everything.

Elaine:I went in for a broken arm, he wanted to see my tongue.

Elaine:So I'm calling him 'The Tongue.' That's his nickname now. Dr. The Tongue.

Jerry:Oh! Oh my God, I finally figured out what this says!

Jerry:It's a quote from a TV show.

Jerry:A really bad TV show.

Elaine:It's not funny.

Jerry:You know what I think is coming? Self-defibrillation. Just like taking an aspirin. You feel a little flutter in your chest, you reach into your pocket, pull out your personal defibrillator, and ZAP! Right there in the coffee shop. 'Excuse me, just shocking myself back to life. Anybody got a napkin?'