The Smelly Car

Jerry:You have to ask for a doggy bag with such an apologetic tone, like you've failed at eating. Like you couldn't finish what you started. 'Could I get a doggy bag?' It's like confessing to a crime.

Jerry:You can't ask for a doggy bag on a date. It's emasculating. You're basically saying, 'I can't finish this, I'm a weak man.'

Jerry:So what do you do? You leave the food there. You walk out like a man.

Jerry:But then you're hungry later. So next time you go out, you think, 'I'm gonna ask for the doggy bag. I don't care anymore.'

Jerry:But then you see the woman across the table, and you think, 'No, I can't. She'll think I'm cheap.' So you don't ask.

Jerry:Pretty soon you're asking for a doggy bag for your genitals. 'Could you wrap these up? I'm not gonna use 'em tonight.'

Elaine:Come on, Jerry, I'm going to be late!

Jerry:You know what your problem is? You're always in a rush. You never stop to appreciate the moment. You're like a human tornado of anxiety and bad decisions.

Elaine:Jerry!

Jerry:I'm just saying, someday you're going to look back on this and realize you wasted your whole life running around like a crazy person.

Jerry:Making him wait will make him like you more.

Elaine:It's impossible to like me more.

Woman:You eat like an animal! You have no table manners whatsoever!

Man:What are you talking about? I eat fine.

Woman:You stuff food in your mouth, you talk with your mouth full, you wipe your hands on your pants!

Man:So?

Woman:So? You're never going to get married acting like that.

Man:I'm already married. To you.

Woman:Well, if I had known this is how you'd turn out, I never would have said yes.

Jerry:And another thing - she says to me, 'You never listen.' I'm like, 'What are you talking about?' She goes, 'See, you're not even paying attention right now.' I said, 'Yes I am, you just said I don't listen.' She said, 'No, that's not what I meant.' So now I'm supposed to be a mind reader?

Jerry:But here's what really gets me - I come home, there's leftover chicken in the fridge. Leftover chicken! From three days ago. And somehow, this is my fault. I didn't buy the chicken. I didn't cook the chicken. I didn't leave it in the fridge. But it's my fault it's still there.

Elaine:Do you smell something?

Jerry:What? I'm hard of smelling.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, the B and the O... they're just hanging out together? Like they're friends?

Jerry:Because if B and O had a fight, they could just separate. B goes one way, O goes the other way.

Jerry:Then you'd just have B. Just B. That's not a smell, that's a letter.

Carl:You know, I enjoy skiing, fishing, camping... pillaging, plundering...

Elaine:Pillaging and plundering?

Carl:Yeah, it's a hobby.

George:Oh my God. Oh my God.

George:Do you see what I see? Two women. Kissing. In the New Release section.

George:This is incredible. I feel like Jane Goodall. Observing them in their natural habitat.

George:We have to be very quiet. Any sudden movements could startle them.

George:Look at that. The tenderness. The passion. It's beautiful, really.

George:Why are lesbians so fascinating?

Kramer:Because they reject men. It's appealing.

George:Wait a minute... you're... with a woman?

George:I had no idea.

George:Susan, that's great! That's really great! I mean, it's wonderful! You know, some of my best friends are... well, not friends exactly, but I've seen them on television, and they seem very nice!

Susan:George, you're being weird.

George:Weird? No! I'm being supportive! Very supportive! In fact, I couldn't be more supportive if I tried! I'm like a... a support beam! A big, strong, heterosexual support beam!

Susan:I've known I was gay since high school.

George:High school? So all those years we were together...

Susan:I was confused. I didn't know how to tell you.

George:Well, you could have just said something. I mean, I would have understood. I'm not a bigot or anything. I just... I don't know. It's a lot to take in.

Susan:I know it's weird.

George:Weird? Susan, you've gone that way.

George:It's not what you think. It's a very sophisticated film. It's French.

George:The photography is exquisite. Very sidal.

George:Do you know what this is? This is a rewind charge. A rewind charge! I didn't rewind it? What, you think I'm some kind of animal? I always rewind!

Video store clerk:Sir, the tape wasn't rewound.

George:Well maybe your machine is broken! Maybe it's a conspiracy! Maybe you're trying to scam me out of my hard-earned money for a measly ninety-nine cents!

George:I'm not paying the rewind fee. This is extortion.

Video Store Clerk:It's store policy, sir.

George:Well, what happens if I don't pay?

Video Store Clerk:You can't rent from us anymore.

George:Fine! I'll just buy my movies.

Video Store Clerk:Or you could just watch this copy we have here. No charge.

George:What is it?

Video Store Clerk:Gigantic Orgasm: Part 3.

Jerry:I've been thinking about this scientifically. We need to de-smellify the car.

Jerry:It's a technical process. Very technical.

Elaine:There are worse smells than the car.

Jerry:Like what?

Elaine:Like a dead body.

Jerry:Well, yeah, that's worse.

Elaine:Like a dead body in the sun.

Jerry:Okay, that's pretty bad.

Elaine:Like a dead body in the sun covered in flies.

Jerry:Alright, I'll give you that one.

Elaine:Why do men always do that?

Jerry:Because we're horrible.

Elaine:That's not true about all men.

Jerry:Oh, it's a scientific fact. It's like a rule of nature. Men have a biological imperative to do three things: eat, sleep, and scratch. Everything else is negotiable.

Elaine:That's ridiculous.

Jerry:I'm not making this up. It's Darwinism. We evolved to scratch. It's in our DNA.

Elaine:Do you think I'm attractive?

Jerry:You're alright.

George:And then there's Knoblauch, Steinbrenner traded him away, and now look at him...

Jerry:Yeah, yeah, I know. The one that got away.

George:What do you mean?

Jerry:What do you mean?

Jerry:It's like it's a living thing. It attached itself to me. I'm like a host body.

Jerry:I'm going to have to burn my clothes and take a blowtorch to my skin.

George:You think I could have caused that?

Jerry:Caused what?

George:Susan. You know, her... preferences.

Jerry:George, what are you talking about?

George:I'm saying, maybe if I had been different, more... you know... she wouldn't be...

Jerry:You think YOU made Susan a lesbian?

George:I'm just saying, it's possible!

George:Maybe I drove her to it. Maybe I made her a lesbian.

Jerry:George, if you drove her to lesbianism, she'd have to be driving herself to suicide to get away from you.

George:This isn't just body odor anymore. This is beyond body odor. We need a new category. BBO.

George:You know what? They should have a hygiene police. Just go around, smell people, if you fail the sniff test, they take you away.

George:You're standing in line at the grocery store, suddenly a hygiene cop comes up behind you, takes a whiff... 'That's it, you're done. You're out of society.'

George:No trial, no jury. Just straight to the showers and deportation.

George:She's a lesbian. I'm more attracted to her now than ever before.

George:It's like the forbidden fruit. She's like this beautiful, unobtainable thing.

Restaurant Manager:You're telling me you don't smell that?

Jerry:I smell it, but that doesn't mean I caused it.

Restaurant Manager:Well, where do you think it's coming from?

Jerry:How do I know? Maybe it's been here the whole time and we've just been nose-blind to it. Or maybe it's not even real — maybe we're all just agreeing that there's a smell.

Restaurant Manager:It's real.

Jerry:Is it though?

Restaurant Manager:Okay, okay, I'll take it! Whatever you want, just get me out of this car!

George:So because we had to air out the car, someone broke in and stole the video?

Jerry:Well, if the windows weren't down, they wouldn't have seen it in the first place.

George:So this is my fault? I'm the one who needed air!

Jerry:I'm just saying, it's a chain of events. You needed ventilation, nature abhors a vacuum, someone sees an opportunity...

George:It's a known scientific fact. Body odor and cologne, they don't mix. You need one or the other.

Jerry:That's not a scientific fact.

George:Well, it should be.

George:It's not just a smell. It's like... it's a presence. It's in the room with us right now.

George:I can feel it watching me. It's alive. It's breathing.

George:We need to do something. We need to call someone. This thing is evil.

George:I'm telling you, I fixed it. New cologne, new deodorant, the whole thing. I'm a new man.

Elaine:Oh my God.

George:What? What is it?

Elaine:You smell like a tuna fish sandwich.

George:Susan, I need to borrow some money.

Susan:George, what is this about?

George:Well, I've been thinking... do you think I had anything to do with you becoming a lesbian?

George:So when you two dance together, I mean, who leads?

George:Because I'm trying to understand the mechanics here. Do you take turns? Is there like a schedule?

George:And what about the hand placement? I need to know exactly where the hands go.

George:I'm just trying to understand the mechanics of it all. It's a scientific inquiry.

Susan:George, that's not scientific, that's just creepy.

George:No, no, I have a genuine curiosity. I could write a paper. 'The Lesbian Question: A Study.'

Susan:You know, George, you're a bad person.

George:I'm not a bad person!

Susan:You are a bad person.

George:How am I a bad person? I never did anything to you.

Susan:You're just a bad person, George.

George:I'M NOT A BAD PERSON!

Jerry:You know, Superman could stop a speeding bullet. He could leap tall buildings in a single bound. But he couldn't stop the smell.

Jerry:You can't buy that car! Do you know what that smell is? That's not just a smell, Kramer. That's a demon. That car is possessed. We need to call a priest!

Kramer:It's just a little odor, Jerry.

Jerry:A little odor?! This requires an exorcism! We're gonna need holy water, a crucifix, and someone who speaks Latin!

Jerry:It's like a horror movie monster. We should call it 'the beast.'

George:So let me get this straight. Kramer turns her into a lesbian, and I turn her back into a heterosexual? I'm like the opposite of Kramer!

Jerry:You ARE the opposite of Kramer.

George:Yeah, well, maybe I should be charging for this.

Jerry:How did you even meet her?

Kramer:Oh, I was at this coffee shop, and she was sitting there reading a book, and I just went up to her and I said, 'That must be a good book.'

Jerry:And she just fell for that?

Kramer:Well, I got a lot of charm, Jerry. I'm very charming.

George:You know, Susan, there are a lot of lesbian women out there looking to date. It's actually a very desirable demographic. You've got good income, you're educated, you're stable...

Susan:George, what are you talking about?

George:I'm saying you should consider it. You've got all the qualifications. You're practically pre-qualified.

Jerry:My jacket smells like the car. I can't go out like this.

Kramer:You gotta destroy it.

Jerry:Destroy what?

Kramer:The car. It's a threat. It's gotta be destroyed.

George:What am I supposed to do about this smell?

Jerry:Well, you could try the tomato sauce thing.

Jerry:Why do we have body odor? What is the evolutionary purpose of something that nobody likes? It doesn't attract mates. It doesn't scare away predators. It's not useful. It's just... there. Like an evolutionary mistake. Like nature went, 'You know what this person needs? A smell that makes everyone want to leave the room.' Thank you, evolution. Thank you very much.

Jerry:You know what I hate about exercise? You do all this work to stay healthy, and what do you get? You smell bad. It's counterproductive. You're trying to improve yourself, but now nobody wants to be around you.

Jerry:I mean, why couldn't evolution have made sweat smell good? Like, if sweat smelled like cologne or something? Then exercise would actually be appealing. You'd be like, 'Hey, I'm going to the gym to smell great!'

Jerry:You'd have people with dirty laundry hanging in their windows like plants.

Jerry:So in this alternate universe, instead of air fresheners, you just hang dirty socks in your car. People are like, 'Wow, my car smells amazing!' You're driving around, windows down, and everyone's jealous of your socks.

Jerry:So in this alternate universe, I'm giving you my dirty underwear like it's a corsage or a handkerchief. 'Here, wear this on your wrist, it really brings out your eyes.'