The Cigar Store Indian

You can always tell what was the best year of your father's life. Because they freeze that clothing style and just ride it out to the end.

It's not like they don't continue shopping. It's just they somehow manage to find new old clothes.

Every father is like this fashion time capsule. It's like they should be on a pedestal... with someone next to them going, 'This was 1965.'

What men need is a place to shop where you go in... check your pants at the door and walk around in your underwear.

Then you'd really have to lie to the salesman. 'Need some help?' 'No, just getting some air.'

How would you describe the smell in this house? Dandruff?

Dandruff, kasha, mothballs... cheap carpeting. It's potpourri, really.

These aren't candies, are they? Did you use those? These are guest soaps.

Well, I'm a guest.

Now my parents are gonna know I had people over.

This is a party? Not anymore.

Whoa, boy, there's always one at every party, huh?

Winona's gonna be there? Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.

My parents don't read. They'll wonder what a book is doing on the table.

You know what would make a great coffee-table book? A coffee-table book about coffee tables.

Get it?

Like a history of coffee tables. Celebrities and their coffee tables.

It's a natural. This is a story that must be told.

This stop is famous for its gyros. You want one?

Well, they got a stand right out on the platform. The gyros are cooked, wrapped and ready to go. Three dollars, no change.

All right. But no bites.

To highlight the programs... you plan to watch.

It's just I've never seen... a beautiful lady reading the Guide... so far away from a TV.

Guess your boyfriend will have to catch the next train.

Maybe I should get Elaine something. Why? Well, I didn't drive her home. Plus, I give her a gift in front of Winona... how does that hurt me?

The Indian? Yeah, you know, kind of a peace offering. It's cute.

you could have watched six hours of Lucy. There's I Love Lucy... The Lucy Show... Here's Lucy.

They don't make these anymore. The work is all done by hand. It takes years and years.

You guys are obviously from Manhattan. Well, he is. I live around the corner. Really? I didn't think any cool guys lived in this neighborhood.

Well, they do now. The neighborhood's changing.

Well, we're collectors. We see objects of great beauty... and we must have them.

Bluffed you out, jack. Pair of deuces.

I don't need a reason to give gifts. It's my nature. I love to make people happy.

Let's bury the hatchet. We smokem peace pipe.

Are you out of your mind? It's kitschy. Winona is a Native American.

She is?

You've got very unusual taste.

The combination must have just flown out of my head. It's a mental block.

No, that's me.

You don't see too many guys your age... who keep baby pictures of themselves around. I like it.

It's consistent with the rest of the house. Yes, it is consistent. I've tried to maintain a consistent feel throughout the house.

Yeah, it's got the magic grip. How do you think I bowled that 220 today, huh?

You wanna lug it uptown, it's yours.

Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know where all the Chinese restaurants are? Oh, ask honorable Chinaman for location of restaurant.

Oh, hello, American Joe, which way to hamburger/hot-dog stand?

I'm not allowed to ask a Chinese person where a Chinese restaurant is? I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive?

Somebody asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle.

Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a tollbooth?

Where's the TV Guide? I'm missing TV Guide. Volume 41, number 31.

How could you let her take the TV Guide?! He collects them.

The nerve of that woman. Walking into my house, stealing my collectibles.

A prophylactic rubber? What is this doing on my bed?

You were having sex on our bed? Yes. Who told you you could have sex in our bed?

Well, my bed is too small.

I'm gone two weeks, and you turn our house... into Bourbon Street?

You're grounded.

You can't ground me. I'm a grown man.

You wanna live here... you respect the rules of our house. You're grounded!

I arranged for the appropriate accommodations.

From who? One of those guys. What guys? You know, the guys... that they sell the tickets to the sold-out events.

That's Al Roker. They're both chubby weathermen.

I get Dom DeLuise and Paul Prudhomme mixed up too.

Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I'd be totally embarrassed... I would be embarrassed to bring it up.

And on the cover is a built-in coaster.

How do you just walk into a house and take a TV Guide? How does she expect you to watch TV? Am I just supposed to turn it on... and wander aimlessly around the dial?

It's a bouquet of paper from her TV Guide. That's my TV Guide, ripped to shreds!

Gyro.

You mean, like an Indian giver?

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term.

I'm doing a coffee-table book on coffee tables. About coffee tables? That's fantastic. Who's your publisher?

This is the kind of idea you should be coming in with. What the hell do you do around here all day anyway?

George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's why he lives at home with us.

I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee-table book.

Well, I guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train. He's not my boyfriend. He's not? Interesting.

When that front cover is nice and flat... it seems like there's good, fresh TV shows. Then as the week goes by, you start to hate the TV.

TV Guide's always thrown, never handed to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material.

My question is if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle... where are you coming across 95 cents?