The Conversion

Jerry:You ever notice how doctors have all their diplomas on the wall? All of them. Every single one. It's like, we get it buddy, you went to school. You know what that tells me? Insecurity. That's insecurity. A confident doctor, he wouldn't need that. He'd just walk in like, 'Yeah, I went to medical school. I'm gonna operate on you now.' But no, they got 'em all framed up there like they're running for office or something.

Jerry:You know what I realized? Doctors have this incredible power over patients. They've got the white coat, the clipboard, they walk in the room and suddenly you're terrified. But here's the thing - it all comes down to one simple thing.

Jerry:Pants. The doctor wears pants, you don't. That's the whole power dynamic right there. Pants versus no pants. That's authority.

George:I'm going to say one word to you. Just one word.

George:Lobster.

George:I don't care about money when I'm with you. Price means nothing to me.

George:Get the lobster. Get whatever you want. The lobster!

Sandi:Can you forgive me?

George:The lobster? Yeah, yeah, I can forgive you about the lobster.

George:A lobster! She dumped me over a lobster! What was I thinking? I should have gotten the chicken.

Jerry:Podiatry? That's not a real medical specialty. It's just feet. Any idiot can look at feet.

George:Hey!

Jerry:I mean, look at you. You couldn't even become a podiatrist.

Jerry:A podiatrist? That's not a real doctor.

Elaine:What do you mean? He went to medical school.

Jerry:He's a foot doctor. That's like being a... a hand model. It's not a real profession.

Jerry:Look at this thing. It's like comparing a swan to... whatever this is.

George:It's a lobster!

Jerry:Exactly. A defeated lobster.

Jerry:So what's the problem with her?

George:She's very religious.

Jerry:Religious how? Like, what denomination?

George:She's a Seventh-day Adventist.

Jerry:Seventh-day Adventist? What's that, like every seventh day she has an adventure?

George:I don't know! She won't go out on Saturday. It's the Sabbath.

Jerry:So just go out on a different day.

George:I like Saturday! Why should I have to change my whole life around?

George:I can't eat shellfish. It's against my religion.

Kramer:What religion?

George:I'm Jewish.

Kramer:So?

George:So I can't eat shellfish.

Kramer:I eat shellfish all the time.

George:You're not Jewish.

George:Look, I tell every other woman I date that I keep kosher. I don't actually keep kosher, but they don't know that.

George:I'm thinking about converting to Christianity.

Jerry:You're not converting to Christianity. What are you doing, changing toothpaste brands?

George:I'm like King Edward VIII. I'm willing to give up everything for love.

Jerry:You're not giving up anything. You're still living with your parents.

George:I'm converting to Judaism. I'm tired of being a Christian. I'm tired of the whole thing. I'm gonna be Jewish.

Jerry:Just like that?

George:Yeah, I'm done. No more Christian. I'm Jewish now.

Elaine:You can't just decide to be Jewish, George.

George:Why not? I'm deciding right now. I'm Jewish. I'm converting. That's it. I'm doing it. I'm Jewish.

Elaine:Well, thank you. You know, I used to practice on the back of my hand for hours.

Elaine:I had a whole routine. I'd do it in front of the mirror, with music, different techniques...

Jerry:What is this? I don't remember buying this.

Jerry:Wait, let me read the label... Oh my God.

Jerry:This is for... this treats... I have this?!

Jerry:I don't snoop! I would never snoop through someone's medicine cabinet.

Jerry:Well, okay, I always open medicine cabinets. But I'm not snooping—I'm looking for a band-aid.

Elaine:Just ask him about the fungus.

Jerry:I can't just ask a podiatrist about fungus. That's like asking a chef if he has food poisoning.

Elaine:So what? He deals with fungus all day.

Jerry:Yeah, but he doesn't want to talk about it. He's probably knee-deep in fungus all day long.

Jerry:funguses

Kramer:fungi

Frank Costanza:So what is it about the faith that attracts you?

George:Well, I'll tell you, Frank. It's the little caps. I like the little caps.

George:I'm telling you, it's the hat. Women love a man in a hat. It says 'I'm mysterious, I'm European, I might be a cardinal.'

George:What do you want from me? I'm not a theologian. I don't know anything about Orthodox theology.

George:Besides, religion is like a movie. You got your setup, you got your payoff. Who cares about the plot?

Father:What do you mean there's no plot? Every book has a plot. What's it about?

George:It's about nothing.

Father:No plot? You can't just write a book about nothing.

George:Why not? You, me, we're talking about nothing right now. This is something. If, this means something.

Father:But a book has to be about something!

George:No, it doesn't. It's just... it's all about the little things. You know, little observations, little... and all that.

George:So you're telling me I have to give up the lobster? What about the shrimp? Can I still have the shrimp?

Rabbi/Clergy:Well, those are also not permitted.

George:No shellfish at all? What kind of club is this?

George:I need to convert to a new religion? Fine. Do you have anything... express? You know, like a drive-through conversion? I don't have a lot of time here.

George:Can't I just take the express lane? Believe in God, grab my acceptance papers, and I'm out of there in five minutes.

Kramer:It was a pleasure meeting you.

Sister Roberta:Likewise.

Kramer:Brother Costanza? Your mother knows you're not a real monk, right?

George:I'm not telling my mother anything. I'm just gonna avoid her until she forgets about it.

Jerry:George, your mother doesn't forget anything.

George:You're right. Okay, new plan: I'll tell her I'm moving to the West Coast.

Kramer:She smiled at me.

Jerry:Kramer, she's a nun. Nuns are nice to everybody. It's kind of their thing.

Jerry:A nun vibe?

Kramer:Yeah, you know, I got it going on. Women, they sense it. They see me, they want me. I don't even have to do anything. It just happens.

Jerry:I don't know, I'm a little worried about this stuff she's taking. I mean, what if there's side effects?

Kramer:Side effects? Jerry, she's got a fungus. You want her to have a fungus?

Jerry:No, of course not.

Kramer:Well then, what are you worried about? Check the name of the medicine.

Jerry:What do you mean, check the name?

Kramer:If they put a man's name on it, you know it works.

Elaine:Well, I'm sure it's grueling in its own way.

Podiatrist:People mock my profession, but I love feet! I LOVE feet! There's nothing wrong with loving feet. Feet are beautiful. The arch, the toes, the heel — it's all part of God's design. And somebody's gotta care about them!

Jerry:George, what are you doing in there? Come on out.

George:No! I'm not coming out!

Jerry:George, it's been an hour. Just open the door.

George:I can't! I won't! Don't make me come out there!

Jerry:What happened? Did you fall in?

George:It's not about that! I'm staying in here forever! You can't make me leave!

Jerry:What is the Torah?

George:No, no, it's not a game show.

Jerry:What is Passover?

George:Jerry, stop it.

Jerry:What is a mezuzah?

Jerry:I didn't steal it! I was just... borrowing it. Permanently.

Jerry:Should I apologize to him?

Kramer:Apologize? The man's a doctor!

Jerry:He's a podiatrist.

Kramer:A doctor!

Jerry:You're cheating on a religious test?

George:It's not cheating, it's cramming!

Jerry:George, you have a cheat sheet for the Ten Commandments. You can't cheat on the Ten Commandments!

George:Why not? I cheat on everything else.

Kramer:She wants to leave the Church for me. I'm dangerous.

Frank Costanza:You're filled with the spirit of the Lord.

George Costanza:I'm not even trying to have sex and I'm filled with the spirit of the Lord. If I ever start trying, I'll be completely full!

Frank Costanza:It's a thing of beauty. A bald man with giddy-up. My brain is on fire!

Kramer:Frank, Frank! You gotta help me. I'm cursed. This thing, it's following me everywhere. I can't get rid of it!

Jerry:Kramer, you smell like you've been living in a swamp.

Kramer:I have been living in a swamp.

Jerry:What?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm doing a method acting thing. Staying in character.

Jerry:You're funkifying the whole apartment!

Kramer:Funkifying? That's not even a word.

Jerry:It is now. You're doing it right now.

Kramer:Well, you better get used to it, because I'm not going anywhere.

Frank Costanza:Wait, you converted to Judaism?

George Costanza:Yes, Dad.

Frank Costanza:But what about the squirrels?

George Costanza:What about the squirrels?

Frank Costanza:Well, I've heard that Jews don't believe in Christmas, and with all those Christmas decorations coming down, the squirrels are gonna have nowhere to hide their nuts!

Tawny:I was scratching all night.

Tawny:It's not me though, it's my cat. He has fungus.

George:I said 'Fether'... I meant to say 'Father'... it was just a slip of the tongue... I was nervous, you know? The whole thing... standing up there... it happens to people...

Kramer:It worked! The anti-kavorca treatment worked!

Woman:What are you talking about?

Kramer:I'm telling you, no more kavorca!

Sister Roberta:I'm leaving the Church.

Sister Roberta:I found my soulmate.

Kramer:*enters and walks past*

Podiatrist:You know, people don't realize what we do. We're not just filing nails. We're doctors! We have medical degrees!

Podiatrist:Feet are the foundation of the human body. Without feet, you're nothing!

Podiatrist:Do you know how many bones are in the foot? Twenty-six! Twenty-six bones that need proper care and attention!

Podiatrist:Toes! Ten magnificent toes that carry you through life, and nobody appreciates them!

Podiatrist:I dedicate my life to feet! FEET!

Jerry:Wait, so the fungus came from the medicine?

George:That's what I'm telling you!

Jerry:Well at least we know where it came from. That's something.

George:Yeah, except we have to return it.

Jerry:Return it? To where, the hospital?

George:It's not mine to keep, Jerry!

Kramer:My power is gone. I've lost it.

Kramer:I have to go back to church.

Jerry:You ever notice how a medicine cabinet says everything about a person? It's like their whole life is in there. You open someone's medicine cabinet, you know everything about them. What they're worried about, what they're hiding, what they've given up on.

Jerry:And dating - forget about it. A woman lets you open her medicine cabinet, that's trust. That's like showing someone your browser history, but with pharmaceuticals. You're saying, 'Here's my bunions, my athlete's foot concerns, my desperate attempts to look younger than I am.'

Jerry:Guys, we don't care. We have three things in our medicine cabinet: Band-Aids we'll never use, something blue we bought in 1987, and hope.

Jerry:I can't believe you keep all this stuff in your medicine cabinet. What is all this?

George:What do you mean? That's normal stuff.

Jerry:Normal? You've got seventeen different creams and ointments in here. Is that a yeast infection treatment?

George:So what? Everyone has stuff like that.

Jerry:And what's this? Rogaine? You're using Rogaine?

George:Keep your voice down!

Jerry:This changes everything. You've lost all your power over me. I know your secrets now.

George:I converted for you! I did everything you wanted.

Sandi:I know, and I appreciate that. But I've decided to move to Israel.

George:We're not going to eat the lobster, are we?

Jerry:What do you mean? Of course we're going to eat it.

George:But it's still alive. I can't eat something that's looking at me.

Jerry:It's a lobster, George.

George:I don't care. Put a little hat on its head, give it a cane, I'm not eating it.