The Conversion

Doctor is a prestigious occupation...but it's one of the only jobs...where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't it? 'I really am a doctor, you know. If you think I'm not, just check it out.'

'Go in that room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes...then I'll give you my opinion.' After that, anybody with pants on...seems like they know what they're talking about. In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no pants.

Can I say one word to you? Lobster.

You know, you're the only woman I've never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I beg you to get it.

George...can you ever forgive me? Have you decided yet? Yes. I'll have the lobster.

You know, I'm starting to think that maybe lobster isn't the way to go.

Anyone can get into podiatry school. George got into podiatry school.

Well, we can't all be dating podiatrists.

Looks like a swan.

Her parents won't let her date anyone who isn't Latvian Orthodox! Latvian Orthodox?

It is lobster. She's limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? This was the only woman I never lied to.

To Latvian Orthodox? Why not? What do I care? You know, it's not like changing toothpaste.

It's like Edward VIII...abdicating the throne to marry Mrs. Simpson. Like King Edward, Jerry. Yeah, well...King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.

You make a little contribution, you have a ceremony. I am gonna think about this. I am really gonna think about this.

As a kid, while kids were out playing, I'd be in my room practicing kissing.

Fungicide? Fungus?

I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldn't do that. I always open medicine cabinets.

But that's what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They're knee-deep in fungus. This guy knows fungus.

Fungi. What? Fungi.

I think the hats.

The hat conveys that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious.

But I know the basic plot, yeah.

Plot? Yes, you know, the flood...and the lepers and the commandments and all that.

So...am I in?

Don't you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick change?

Mine.

And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?

Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

I think she liked me. What do you mean, she liked you? Liked me. Kramer, they like everybody. They're friendly people. I think I picked up on a vibe.

You picked up on a vibe from a nun. Yeah. Jerry, I'm telling you, I have this power...and I have no control over it.

How do you even know it's hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube? I didn't look. Well, take a look. It might not even belong to her.

No, no. I'm just saying, you didn't really go to medical school. You went to podiatry school...which I'm sure is very grueling in its own way.

I went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose to work with feet.

George? What are you doing in there? What? Nothing. You've been in there an hour. Nothing. George, open the door. No. Georgie. No!

And I'll need that in the form of a question.

Well, not on purpose. I was...I was hoping there'd be a name on the tube.

Yes. He's a doctor.

What, you're cheating on your conversion test?

All this power! Look what I'm doing. I'm dangerous, Jerry. I'm very, very dangerous!

Oh, I'm full of it, Father.

It is a Latvian word which means 'the lure of the animal.'

Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you. Help me, Father. Help me!

Hey, what the hell is going on? It stinks. What are you doing? I've got the kavorca. The kavorca? What is that? The lure of the animal. I'm dangerous.

You know, you're funkifying the whole building. Keep away, Jerry. Just keep away.

Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?

I hardly slept last night with all the scratching. Bonkers was going crazy. Bonkers? My cat. He's got this weird sort of skin condition. It's some type of fungus.

I said 'faddah.' I...I meant 'Father.' Just a little bit nervous.

Get away from me, you creep. Yes. Yes, it worked! Sister Roberta. I still got time to catch her.

Him.

You know, because I love the foot. I'm a big fan of the foot. And that pinkie toe. Come on! How adorable is the pinkie toe? It's my favorite toe.

Elaine, it's her cat. Her cat has the fungus. So I need the tube back.

Something's wrong. I don't feel the same lure. You don't? What have I..? I must return to the Church.

It's like, 'Here's a salve from 1983...some cream from the '70s.' But you want to keep it private. A medicine cabinet is a place that reveals our weaknesses...and can throw off the balance between people that are going out.

Somebody peeks in there, 'Oh, I see Mr. Perfect needs...tough actin' Tinactin. Well, I guess I'll be calling the shots in this relationship from now on.'

But I just don't feel ready to make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia. Latvia?

I'd like a doggy bag for this, please.