The Scofflaw

The big new accessory with eyeglasses...seems to be that strap that connects so you can take them on and off...which I don't get because if you have glasses, isn't that because you need to wear glasses?

People with crutches don't have a chain attached to their belt...so they can just let go of them every now and then.

Why not get a toupee with a rubber band for water-skiing?

All right. Tell me. What's kept you so busy? / Mostly chemotherapy. / Hey, I'll see you.

Hey, pig!

So, didn't you explain that to the cop? / No, I fled the scene.

- You gonna share with me next time? / - Sure. I swear. / - All right. I'm looking forward to it.

Why did he tell you and not me? / - I don't know. / - How are you closer to him than me?

Really? How bad? Was he on his deathbed? / No, he was on his regular bed.

It's not like you're my wife.

I was so nice to him I almost made myself sick.

That's right. You let him have it. / Who is he not to tell you about his life-threatening illness? / That's what I'm saying. / His illness is your business. / If not mine, whose? / If not now, when?

You told her? She's not your wife.

- You don't trust my poker face? / - Do you ever win at poker? / No.

That's like me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in. / Yeah, I've considered that.

Yes, I do, but I don't want anyone else to have them. / Well, that's peculiar.

You know, you'd get two pair, the whole table knows.

In 1979, I ticketed a brown Dodge Diplomat for parking in a church zone. That fine was never paid. And since then, that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than anyone in New York City.

he's become my white whale.

I like that eye patch.

What do you think, I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.

Well, I've been living a lie. / Just one? I'm living, like, 20.

Well, I never actually had cancer. / I'll see you.

I never said hi. When did I say hi? / - I never heard her say hi.

I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. It's like a game of tag.

So that's your poker face.

What are you talking about? / Two pair? Three of a kind? / Will you stop it? / Oh, my God. You got a flush. / You're holding a flush. / I don't have a flush. / A full house? You got a full house?

What do you got? / Gary Fogel never had cancer!

You still like me, don't you? / Correct. What?

Coming down to say that you didn't say hi is more of a gesture than if you did say hi.

There's one other person who might do something like this, and that's you. / Well... / I don't even think you could do it. / No, I could do it.

I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at the Hair Team For Men just to put his mind at ease?

So because you're getting free parking, I gotta pretend this guy had cancer? / Yeah.

I'm getting rid of all my fillings because that mercury's toxic. / Hey, let me see your fillings.

I wanna be a pirate.

Can't see on your right side? / No. It's itchy.

Once belonged to Jon Voight.

I didn't say hi. / You didn't? / No, I told him to send you my regards. I didn't say hi. / Regards?

Good. Revenge is very good.

Malaysia.

Let's start the bidding.

I never had feelings for Gary until he got sick. But he was so brave and gained such a wonderful perspective on life. I fell in love with him.

Well, in the old days when the senators didn't vote the way that the party leaders wanted them to, they whipped them. 'You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna be big trouble.'

Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack.

Newman? The white whale.

Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy to get a wig?

She thinks a guy who lies about an illness so he can get some phony hair has perspective?

See? You're not the only one who has them. I have them too. / Where did you get those? / Malaysia. I was in the area.

Then at your funeral, the mortician comes out, 'Mrs. Costanza...I thought you might want this.'

I really can't say. / No, say. I want you to say. / It's not good, okay? It's not good. You look...stupid.

Why not get white shoes, move to Miami Beach, and get the whole thing over with?

You people with hair think you're so superior. You have no idea what it's like. You ever look in the tub and see a fistful of hair? Start your day with that!

This judge has to use it for some scofflaw. And you know, you can't fight city hall.

Where did you get those glasses? / Where? / Those glasses. / Where did you get those glasses? / Where? / Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke on me? Because it's not very funny. Give me those.