Frank Costanza

This is your greatest moment, a game? Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course.

I just hope that whole pony incident didn't put a damper on the trip. Oh, don't be ridiculous. It was a misunderstanding. Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony.

- Hey, I got a terrific joke for you. - I'm not interested.

No, no. It's really funny. There's these two guy... - Tell it to the audience.

Maybe you should take a civil-service test. - I'm not taking a civil-service test.

Would you believe when I was 18 I had a silver-dollar collection?

You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a... phobia.

I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today.

Who the hell did you ever mention his hands to?

I always talk about your hands, how they're so soft and milky white. - No, you never said milky white. - I said milky white!

Nice shirt.

It was those culottes you made him wear when he was 5. They weren't culottes. They were shorts. They were culottes! You bought them in the girls' department. By mistake. By mistake, Jerry. I'm sorry.

It was those culottes you made him wear when he was 5. - They weren't culottes. They were shorts. - They were culottes! You bought them in the girls' department.

It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud.

Eight years I had that car, not a scratch on it. Eight years.

The important thing is he didn't get hurt. - No, it isn't.

Went right down a hill?

Somebody gave her a used wheelchair with defective brakes. Sons of bitches!

- Hey, I got a terrific joke for you. - I'm not interested.

No, no. It's really funny. - There's these two guy... - Tell it to the audience.

Maybe you should take a civil-service test. - I'm not taking a civil-service test.

Would you believe when I was 18 I had a silver-dollar collection?

You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a... phobia.

I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today.

I don't like this waiter. Look at him. He sees us. Doesn't wanna come over.

Nice shirt.

Have you completely lost your mind? You look like a complete idiot. I wouldn't wipe my...

They're made from Lycra spandex. - Get out of here. Lycra spandex?

You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds.

Tap-dancing. Anyone can tap-dance. It's those shoes. Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people.

Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.

Your arm moves like this? I've never seen your arm move like this. Me either. Well, it comes and goes.

You discussed George with the mayor of New York? Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you!

What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in that idea? I don't think it's so bad. People should wear nametags. Everyone would be a lot friendlier. 'Hello, Sam.' 'How you doing, Joe?'

Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all that pepper for? Keep quiet. You trying to set my mouth on fire?

Maybe it was a mouse. Okay, that's it! We're moving!

I will not tolerate infestation.

A raincoat salesman. I could buy and sell him, like that.

A mouse! I saw a mouse! It's the remote.

You stole my shirt, you son of a bitch! Give me that back. Give me that. Give me.

A mouse! Egad! A mouse! In the bedroom!

He said I was dead? That's right. That's what my life is worth to him, $25?

What plans? We have plans. Where did you get plans? We have plans.

Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all that pepper for? Keep quiet. You trying to set my mouth on fire?

Maybe it was a mouse. Okay, that's it! We're moving! What? I will not tolerate infestation.

A mouse! I saw a mouse! It's the remote.

Where the hell are my clothes? I love those clothes. Lousy, moth-ridden crap.

You stole my shirt, you son of a bitch! George, your friends up in the attic, stealing my clothes! Give me that back. Give me that. Give me.

He said I was dead? That's right. Squeezed an extra $25 out of me. That's what my life is worth to him, $25?

You know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes. There's plenty of mosquitoes. Queens is full of mosquitoes. Gnats, too, if I'm not mistaken.

Your mother has to tell you every move I make? I'll kill her. Jerry and Elaine saw you. They didn't say hello? They were in a rush. They couldn't just say hello? Ah, the hell with them.

Elaine, I can see not saying hello. She's very... What's the word? Supercilious. How could Jerry not say hello?

Your lawyer wears a cape? Yeah. So what? Who wears a cape? He's very independent. He doesn't follow the trends. He looks ridiculous in that thing. You have no eye for fashion!

You're not Chinese.

I thought I was getting advice from a Chinese woman. I'm sorry. Well, then... that changes everything. What? She's not Chinese. I was duped!

So what? She still gave you advice. What's the difference? I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island.

Do you know what the interest on that $50 comes to over 53 years? $663.45... and that's figuring conservatively at 5 percent interest... over 53 years compounded quarterly.

Well, he's not getting away with this.

I don't have a hi-fi. I gave you my old record player. I gave it to Cosmo. Cosmo? Who's Cosmo? I'm Cosmo.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

Does your back hurt? How did you know? Well, it's obvious. You're carrying a lot of extra baggage up there. Up here? Oh, yeah, top floor.

The Mansiere. That's right. A brassiere for a man. The Mansiere. Get it?

I wouldn't be caught dead in Ban-Lon.

You want to go out with my wife? Where do you get the nerve to ask me that?

You had me sleeping on a pee-stained couch? No. No, no. The cushion was turned over. But the very idea. You had me lying in urine!

Kasha? No, thanks, Dad.

You know what these cost? They're like 80 cents a nut.

Hey, they got a phone in the john here.

He stopped short? That's my move.

I used it on Estelle 40 years ago. I told everybody about it. Everybody knows... I stop short.

You think I don't know, Assman?

Mansiere! Bro! Mansiere! Bro!

To a woman? Of course a woman.

May I ask why?

Frank's tie argument: 'Go to any office building on Seventh Avenue and tell me if there's anyone there wearing a thin tie like that. Go ahead.'

'I'll show these people something about taste. This is gonna be fun.'

Cornish game hen confusion: 'What is that, like a little chicken?' 'No, it's not a little chicken.' 'Little chicken.'

'How hard can it be to kill this thing?'

Frank's chicken taxonomy confusion: 'Let me understand. You got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So who's having sex with the hen?'

'Something's missing!' 'Something's missing, all right.'

Firestorm spoiler moment: 'Hey! I haven't seen it yet.' 'It has nothing to do with the plot!' 'Still, I like to go in fresh!'

'Who doesn't serve cake after a meal? What kind of people? Would it kill them to put out a pound cake? Something.'

'We're sitting there like idiots... drinking coffee without a piece of cake.'

The missing marble rye revelation and Frank's theft

'No, they didn't forget to put it out. It's deliberate. Deliberate, I tell you!'

But it comes on 11:30. Yeah, well, they tape it in the afternoon, and then they air it at 11:30. How long they been doin' this? Thirty years.

No one tells Frank Costanza what to do! That's right! Who the hell are they?! How dare they?

We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court. And I dare you to keep me out!

Why should they go to waste?!

Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon? How long they been doing this? Thirty years.

What extremities? You know what the temperature in Florida is today? Seventy-nine. That's almost 80.

Yeah, I read someplace, the life expectancy in Florida... is 81. And in Queens, 73. So, George, why are you here?

This is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini.

Are you telling me there's not one condo available in Del Boca Vista? That's right. They went like hotcakes. How'd you get yours? Got lucky. Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?

So you're moving there for spite. Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do! That's right! Who the hell are they? How dare they?

We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court... and I dare you to keep me out!

Low-flow? I don't like the sound of that.

What are you, in an athletic sweat suit?

Cook? No. I don't know any cooks. I don't know anything about cooking!

In my mind, there's a war still going on.

I was the best cook Uncle Sam ever saw. Slinging hash for the fighting 103rd.

I went too far. I overseasoned it.

I can still hear the retching and screaming.

I sent 16 of my own men to the latrines that night. They were just boys.

All that kid wanted to do was go home. Well, he went home, all right. With a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet.

They had to sit him on a cork for the 18-hour flight home.

It's dry. That's the way I always make it. Well, it sucks.

Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily... and your eggplant parmigiana is a disgrace to this house!

I'm back, baby!

You know, you could take a break. No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a phoenix rising from Arizona.

No! No! Don't eat it. It's no good. No good. No good. No way.

I didn't take the subway to New York to sit at a table like that!

Aunt Baby.

They're yelling and yelling and then one day, they're all gone.

She'd never make it.

We're having an upscale dinner.

Estelle has got the jimmy arms.

Like you wouldn't believe.

I saw a bum sleeping in the Cadillac the other day.

"Number-one dad." And it's a medium. Perfect.

lzzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the '50s. 1850s?

You're not wearing a shirt, are you? Yes, I am. What color is it? Damn it.

The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants. The crepe place? Yeah, this is all big crepe money.

You think that you are the number-one dad? This was a gift from my son. Oh, I see how it works now. He knocks me out of commission so you can strut around in your fancy number-one shirt.

Number one here. Number one, signing off.

I got no legroom back here. Move your seat forward. / It's as far as it goes. / There's a mechanism. You just pull it and throw your body weight.

Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit like an animal.

Serenity now! Serenity now!

Are you supposed to yell it? / The man on the tape wasn't specific.

Might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked hard for you. / Will you put her to rest for me? / Oh, yeah. / I'll take good care of her.

You're selling computers? / Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus.

Dad, do you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and IBM? / Yes, I do. That's why I've got a secret weapon. / My son.

I'm not Dad in the work place. My professional name is Mr. Costanza... and I will refer to you as Costanza.

All I ever heard growing up is: 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' You know he was in a mental institution? / I didn't read his résumé.

What is this? / This is your lagging. / Good work, Braun.

Starting tonight, we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner gets a Waterpik. / You're not giving away our Waterpik!

I guess your mother was right. You never could compete with Lloyd Braun.

Well, that's because you're an idiot.

Well, what about all the Lloyd Braun sales? / He was crazy. His phone wasn't even hooked up. He just liked ringing that bell.

So, what am I supposed to say? / Hoochie mama.

Hoochie mama. Hoochie mama.

It's creative black tie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna make love to your mother.

Is this Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van. Seinfeld's van. I think he's saying Son of Sam.

What you saw in the van was a natural expression of a man's love for his lady.

Dear son, happy Festivus.

Happy Festivus, Georgie.

I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

What happened to the doll? It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born.

A Festivus for the rest of us.

That must have been some kind of doll. She was.

And at the Festivus dinner you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.

No. Instead there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.

You don't need glasses. You're just weak. You're weak. Leave him alone.

It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.

I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're gonna hear about it.

You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe... I lost my train of thought.

I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about.

This year the honour goes to Mr. Kramer.

Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over.

This is the best Festivus ever.

She must be about six-six. She's not six-six.