Elaine And The Lame Duck

Take this cab to Cuba.

Did you hear that? I said Cuba, like... like a hijack.

Don't you love life, driver? / No, we're just good friends.

A-ha. You mean you want to go to... your place. / Desperately.

He's right, you know. You can get killed in this neighborhood. / Well, in that case, let him out.

Did I say something to offend you tonight? / Everything after hello.

My main course was ten pats of butter.

What did you think that I meant when I said two hours ago, 'Please, for the love of God, take me home'? / I thought you were coming on to me.

I guess this means you don't want to sleep with me.

You have women in your cab all day long. I never meet anybody. / What do you do? / I'm a United States Congressman.

Root canal by starlight.

Dad's a major contributor to the party, so, to thank him, they, uh, they ran me for Congress.

The week before the election my opponent was convicted of murder. / But you did win. / We had to have a runoff.

There's talk of a recall.

Hey, I'm in your district. I voted for you. / Oh, yeah? Why? / The other guy was up for murder.

Latka bowing to congressman and Alex stopping him

She had to have a little work done but this guy's prices are so reasonable I even sprung for Novocaine. It's my own mother. What the hell?

Said something about having to get up early and change her phone number.

In my country, women work like ox. They cook, they... have lots of babies, uh... they get old early. They happy.

In America, the women, they have, uh... they have maids, they dress with nice clothes, they take bubble bath. They happy. / What is your point? / Women happy people.

You know how embarrassing it is to go to the presidential inaugural ball stag? I only hope people think I'm gay.

A woman once said to me, 'I never want to see you again as long as I live.' / That's happened to everybody. / We hadn't been introduced.

Damn it, Louie, you little twerp / She's much nicer than what I'm used to.

You thanked me. You thanked my children, you thanked my baby-sitter...

I guess you can say 'thank you' too often.

I perspire freely. I'm talking buckets. That's why I'll never be reelected. Who's going to vote for a man who always looks like he just stepped out of a sauna?

I shake hands with people, and they wipe their hands off. They pretend to do something else so they won't hurt my feelings. They, uh... they cross their arms. They adjust their ties. They wave hello at friends.

Could we talk about something else? I'm talking about sweat again. Why do I always talk sweat on dates? It's because I'm always sweating on dates.

He hates me. / Who? / The waiter. I know when a man despises me and that man despises me. He's going to spit in my food.

Could we go back to sweating?

What, they run out of towels in the men's room? / No, that's, uh, that's sweat.

Talk about a lame duck.

Well, you see, there's schlemiels and shlimazls. A schlemiel is a guy who goes to a formal dinner party and spills his soup. A shlimazl's the guy he spills it on.

I was hoping you had an answer.

Walter, your menu's on fire.

I think I'll start with the chocolate cheesecake.

Boy, this guy. He is a horse's yatabe.

I never want to see me again.

Oh, yeah? You want to go out Saturday night? / Oh, no, Saturday, I made these... / See? See? What about Sunday? / No, I take the kids... / Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. What about Monday? / Monday's a bad day. / Mm-hmm. Tuesday?

What's wrong with you?

A shlimazl is a guy who comes home from work early and finds his wife in bed with his boss, then gets docked a day's pay for leaving the office.

Listen, Nardo... if you ever grab me again in a non-erogenous zone, you're gone.

I'm drawn to that scrawny little puppy in the pet store, you know, that nobody else wants.

So I look over at Walter, and he's got tears in his eyes. So then I got them both on my hands.

Like, 'How about a roll in the hay?' Walter's suggestions seem to run toward the blunt, don't they?

You want advice? You want to break up with Walter, fine. Just go on your own instincts, those same instincts that have gotten you this far... Divorced, poor, working nights, holding two jobs.

Oh. You're going to go to bed with him.

Maybe just a little... applause.

I've never sweat so much in my entire life.

I had a little time to think before you woke up this morning... seven, eight hours...

Walter, you want to fly your parents to New York because of what we did last night? / It's a shuttle.

How about every Thursday night for the next three months? Is 8:00 okay?

It was, I guess, an ordinary evening for most people.

there are some things a gentleman does not discuss.