Latkas Cookies

Do you have the correct time? My watch stopped. / The correct time is you're eight minutes late.

Do you think that helping someone who was almost killed in an automobile accident is a good excuse? / No. / Then you're going to hate mine.

The reason I was late is because I was dancing around my apartment with joy. / Oh, yeah? Hey, what happened? / My beloved grandmother died.

That's good news? / No, that's terrible news. Bobby, what kind of a person are you?

What? What? / Cookies.

Well? What do you say? / Well, they're, uh, not bad.

Did you swallow yet? / Did you swallow? Mine seems to be getting larger. I feel like I'm going to be chewing for the rest of my life.

maybe tomorrow we could have another bite.

Tastes vary. / Tastes very what?

just like the famous Amos... The chocolate chip cookie tycoon.

You're warning me when I'm warning you? / I am warning you. / Yeah? You're warning me? / Yes. I am quitting.

You cannot fire me if I am going to quit. / No, no, no. You can't quit because I'm firing you! / But you cannot fire me if I quit first. / I quit! You're fired!

It doesn't matter who says it first. It's who says it loudest. You're fired! / You're fired! You're fired! You're fired! / I quit! I quit! I quit!

I'm fired. / You quit! / Thank you very much.

The engine's back together. Got a few pieces left over. / Close enough.

He quit! / I had gas I miss more than the guy I fired. / He quit!

I don't actually like them, but they're fun to chew.

They kind of grow on you. And they last forever in your mouth. I put one on the bedpost last night. Started on it again this morning.

So how was your trip? / Ah, great. Omaha is lovely this time of year. / I thought you were hitchhiking to Washington. / I did too, but I ended up in Omaha.

I must have used the wrong thumb.

It's great to be back!

You didn't happen to run into your brains while you were out there, did you? / No, but I wasn't really looking.

They were baked by a guy I fired. / He quit!

They got a nice little surprise inside.

Peru, I believe. / Southern Peru. / '74, before the rains. / Poignant, but not overbearing.

Well, if you chew them for a while you get a feeling of euphoria, increased energy, strength and stamina. It's also rumored to heighten your sexual desires. And it makes you see beauty in the most repulsive things.

Did anyone ever tell you that you have the most adorable ear?

Police are on the phone, Louie. / Tell them to mind their own business.

so I wrote an opera.

I never thought about writing an opera before, but it sounded like it would be fun. It was. I'm going to write another one tonight.

Hey, Bob! / What are you doing? / Huh? / What are you doing? / Afternoon Of The Faun.

Do you realize the entire human experience of the universe can be summed up in one sentence?

I have verifiable proof of the existence of God. / Later, later... This stuff gets flat.

Bobby Wheeler is turning into a gazelle... Elaine Nardo is in the chamber of horrors... Here's the weirdest thing of all. I'm standing here in the garage on my day off.

And I came in here just because I wanted, uh... some more cookies... Hey, Lou! There's something wrong with these cookies.

Look at Banta, here. He's eaten a billion of them. There's nothing the matter with him. Tony, how you feeling? / I'm fine.

Whoo! / Sixteen.

but, you know, I would trade it all if I would only stop talking for one minute.

This explains why my grandmother's cookies were so popular with musicians in my country.

She was always knitting doilies, you know? A doily here, a doily there, doilies everywhere. 'Merry Christmas, Latka. Here is a doily for you.' Oh, everywhere you look is doilies. I'd like to give you a doily, you old bag! I'll give you a doily!

Oh, you mean not for the houses, the cars or the women? / Oh, maybe it was the same reasons.

You're hallucinating. / Oh... I'm only in your mind. / Well, then welcome to my mind. If I knew you were coming I would have cleaned it up a bit.

success, fame, fortune... All that stuff... It's truly overrated. / Oh. / I wanted to tell you that the really important things in life are the simple things... / Oh, the simple things. / ... but I can't. / Why? / 'Cause it's a crock.

Try cupcakes. Try jelly rolls. Aluminum siding. What's the difference? Nothing at all. Just get rich.

I just became an American.