A Night At The Oprah

Will:Uncle Phil, you really would have buried Judge Robertson... if you would have let me put the Uh-Huh Girls in there with you. It would have been like, 'Banks is the right one, baby, uh-huh!'

Uncle Phil:Hi, I'm Philip Banks, and I'm running for Superior Court Judge.

Uncle Phil:And if you put me on the bench, I'll take a real bite out of crime. Bite.

Uncle Phil:Vote for Philip Banks. Philip Banks.

Will:Emmy!

Uncle Phil · Will:Oh, please, from who? From Latisha. She said you looked really handsome.

Will:But she also thought Delta Burke looked better as a blonde.

Vivian · Trevor:Trevor, that's so sweet. But, honey, call me Mrs. Banks.

Will:Home of the Whopper, what's your beef?

Will:Some chicken here talking about she from the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Trevor:This is Trevor Collins, goodbye and Godspeed.

Trevor:Well, actually, Phil, she doesn't, you're nobody.

Trevor · Family:What was it? God.

Ashley:Wait, am I going to need a passport?

Hilary:And I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say: 'What am I going to wear?'

Uncle Phil:And as soon as you tell him, let me know.

Vivian:How difficult could it possibly be?

Uncle Phil:Have we met?

Vivian:Well, that's telling him, Philip.

Will:Wow, I'm sorry for staring, but... man, girl, you real fine. You know, I was a little nervous about flying, but... as long as I can look at you, I know I'll be all right.

Will:Can I fluff your pillow?

Will:Uncle Phil, I'll get you in one later.

Vivian:Honey, couldn't we just put him to sleep?

Alexis · Hilary:You have beautiful hair. I know.

Oprah:Well, I tell you what, if you really like it, I will send you one in your size.

Will · Oprah:Gee, Oprah, I really like that diamond bracelet. Nice try.

Uncle Phil:Okay, everybody who's going to be on the Oprah Show, take one step forward. Not so fast, Will.

Uncle Phil:I've always wanted my own gavel.

Oprah · Will:We're not ready for that portion of the show just yet, but, Mrs. Banks... I'm Will, Oprah, I can answer it.

Vivian:No, Philip, it's Richard Nixon wearing a Will mask.

Senator Lloyd:Well, I sure would, son. And let me say, I love your Leslie Uggams.

Hilary:You are so brave. I mean, wearing red shoes with a pink dress.

Guest · Uncle Phil:Has being in politics ruined your sex life? No, mine's great, how's yours, honey?

Phil:Sit down, shut up, and behave yourself.

Oprah:You all are related?

Oprah:Here, you poor sweetheart. Blow. You poor baby.

Oprah:Don't you think so, audience? Go on up there and be with your family, where you belong.

Will:Oprah, this guy can't even run his own home. Why should he be elected to office?

Hilary:I mean, when I lost my job and he kicked me out of the house... he let me live out back.

Carlton:Well, he didn't actually kick her out of the house. He just changed all the locks and told her she didn't live there anymore.

Vivian:Well, with the big pay cut you'll have to take, we'll all be living in the pool house.

Carlton:Look, I don't like to tell tales out of school, but Trevor keeps a make-up case there.

Trevor:Stand on a chair and say that to my face.

Uncle Phil:You have both lost your American Express cards. Do you want to work on your Visa?

Audience member:Well, if you ask me your whole damn family is crazy.

Will:Hey, man, don't nobody talk about my mother, man.

Will:You know, your initials, O. W? Did anybody ever tell you that spells 'ow'?

Oprah:I knew that.

Oprah:Two free tickets to the Donahue Show. Tell Phil Oprah said, 'Hi.'

Will:She likes me.

Carlton:Will, you're smiling like Dad does when he finishes the Happy Birthday bucket at Baskin-Robbins.

Will:Man, you scream your girl's name out on TV, you'd be smiling, too.

TV News:And in a related story, Judge Carl Robertson announced today that he is adopting 12 ghetto youths.

Uncle Phil:Oh, well.

Uncle Phil · Hilary:Oh, God! You have just made the blooper reel.