Vivian Banks

Will · Vivian:The plane ride translation confusion - 'stupid' to 'dope' to 'neat'

Vivian · Philip:That's stupid. / Now he's got you doing it.

Vivian · Will:When you two were little, people thought you were twins. You looked exactly alike. / I guess some things never change.

Vivian:He's turned down the last 16 invitations. When are you gonna take a hint?

Will · Vivian:Word up. Kick over the keys to the Jag. - The Benzito? - The station wagon.

Vivian · Will · Hilary · Carlton:Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown. - He liked James Brown? - He even wore his hair like him. He had hair?

Vivian:You drop-kicked a human being across our front lawn.

Vivian:You know, I think living down the street from the Reagans has had a very bad effect on you.

Vivian · Philip:Philip, that's what you did on our first date. That's right. You're lucky you got a second one.

Vivian:A sorrier bunch of deadbeats you'll never meet.

Carlton · Philip · Vivian:Why can't Geoffrey baby-sit her? Because we're giving him the weekend off. You mean I'm going to have to get my own breakfast, too?

Vivian:This is the biggest amateur operation I have seen since Mayberry R.F.D.

Vivian:Calm yourself, Barney Fife.

Vivian:Because girls think with their brains.

Vivian · Will · Carlton:Everyone in the family is invited. Besides, I'm sure Carlton and Will have dates. / Yeah, of course. / Oodles.

Vivian · Philip:Won't this be fun? / No.

Vivian · Will:You took her to a pawnshop? / Yeah, it was really hard, too. You don't have many pawnshops in Bel-Air. That's really a shame.

Will · Vivian:I had to go all the way to East LA. / East LA?

Will · Vivian · Will:He liked James Brown? / He even wore his hair like him. / He had hair?

Vivian:How'd you like to go into the kitchen and introduce Mr. Tea Bag and Mr. Teapot to Mr. Boiling Water?

Vivian · Philip:When I was in college, I introduced three couples and they all got married. And by your fifth reunion, they were all divorced. I just get them to the altar. After that, they're on their own.

Vivian:Will, don't play inside. You might break something. Or something might break you.

Vivian:Carlton's on the basketball team? How do they do? They try hard, but to tell you the truth, they haven't won a game so far.

Vivian · Philip · Geoffrey:All right. You were a football god. Okay. Who knows, it might do him some good. Nothing like a little organized sport to straighten a guy out. Yes. It did wonders for Pete Rose.

Geoffrey · Vivian · Jazz:True, madam, but I have found that any game can be made interesting... if you put a little money on it. $50 says Bel-Air wins it. Who'd take that bet? You rang, beautiful?

Will · Vivian:Boy, holiday traffic is starting already. People are in such a lousy mood. I learned five new words on the way home. - Did you know what they meant? - I think so. They were accompanied by very helpful hand gestures.

Vivian · Philip:We had to convince her to accept it. She never lets us spend a penny on her. Apparently, that's not a genetic trait.

Philip · Vivian:Vi's that way with everybody. Remember what she said about my beard? You misunderstood. She said it made me look like Bigfoot. Which is ridiculous, because nobody knows what Bigfoot really looks like.

Vivian · Viola · Philip:How's everything at the post office? - They made me a supervisor. - That's wonderful. Honey, they make everybody at the post office a supervisor. You practically have to eat the mail not to get promoted.

Vivian · Philip · Viola:He's been wonderful, hasn't he, Philip? Let's just say he takes after you, Vi.

Vivian · Philip:Vi, I was dusting the albums this morning and guess what I found. Certainly not dust.

Vivian · Viola:You taught me to dance to this, remember? I didn't teach you to dance like that.

Philip · Vivian:The person that invented the elastic waistband... should get the Nobel Prize. - You know what I mean... - Don't start.

Vivian · Philip:She said that our kids are spoiled. News flash.

Vivian · Philip:Really? Does this sound familiar? 'Daddy, I need $300.' You don't have to get personal.

Vivian:What do you mean, good luck?

Vivian · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, it's frozen solid. Really, madam? I thought it was just scared.

Vivian · Ashley · Hilary · Will:This is not a drill. It's a fire? My God, I'm going back for my new suede boots. Don't try to stop me. While you're up there, get my lucky drawers!

Vivian · Ashley:Since when do I have to ask you twice? Every time, Mommy.

Will · Vivian:I mean, she sees me so little... and I'm growing so fast. Don't even try that Prince Charming stuff.

Vivian:And so far, you've been getting a free ride, a free ride in a fancy car.

Vivian:the new children on the block

Vivian:President Reagan's Secret Service agents dressed up as Santa and warned everyone to keep their distance.

Vivian:I hope they bring their Barbie dolls.

Jameson · Vivian:It's a sprig of wolfsbane. Hang it over your kitchen door and all will be well. / But Jameson, everything's fine in our kitchen. / That you know of.

Vivian:Why is that man running loose on the streets without medication?

Vivian · Phil:Last year... Jameson was taking all of his stock advice from his dog. / That's untrue, Vivian. He only took tax advice from Sparky.

Will · Vivian:He talks to the spirit of a dead dog? / No. He had him stuffed and put in his office.

Vivian · Phil:Philip, why don't you tell Will about Sparky? / I don't think we need to go into that. / Last year... Jameson was taking all of his stock advice from his dog.

Vivian · Phil:Capricorn? Philip, your birthday's January 30. You're an Aquarius. / Vivian, for a $20 million account, I'm a Capricorn.

Will · Vivian · Carlton:You will? You will? You will?

Vivian:You're looking at her. See you in a month.

Vivian:That was very well put, Mr. Smith, but you're wrong.

Vivian:That covers about 250 years, Mr. Smith. Care to narrow it down a bit?

Vivian:Look at you. Honestly, Will... those eyebrows!

Will · Vivian:Just around the corner. - Where around the corner? Nevada.

Vivian:Philip, why are you talking like that? That ridiculous British accent. Whenever you're around an English person, you slip right into it.

Vivian:The first three months Geoffrey was here, I could barely understand you.

Vivian · Phil:Does this restaurant have a bar? If it doesn't, we'll build one.

Vivian:A lobotomy.

Ashley · Vivian:Mommy. God bless you, sweetheart. What's the matter, baby? I can't sleep.

Vivian:You're certainly like a big old bag of something.

Vivian:This might be the difference between Dr. Kayla Samuels who runs the hospital or just Kayla who cleans it.

Vivian:He's not allowed to use the car again until August of 1992.

Vivian · Hilary:What is it this time, Hilary? I've started recycling.

Vivian · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, did you really enjoy having Will out of the house that much? The closest I'll ever get to a bonus.

Vivian:I'll tell you who's a mother: Me. And I am going there and I am bringing my baby back.

Vivian:Considering you still have the mind of a 13-year-old boy.

Vivian:I think the Jeffersons were still trying to move on up.

Vivian:If I promise to jump in with you?

Vivian · Uncle Phil:Vivian: 'Philip, all you ever think about is money.' Phil: 'No. That's not true, Vivian. Sometimes I think about other things.' [pause]

Vivian:Helen, I see you still haven't come out of your shell.

Helen · Vivian:Do you remember the last reunion when Uncle Rubin came out of the closet? How could I forget? He came out wearing my purple-leather suit.

Vivian:Then I guess I better pick up some Barry Manilow for the reception.

Vivian:"7:09, if you count my feet."

Vivian:I don't think short skirts are appropriate for me anymore.

Vivian:"The night is young, baby, and so am I."

Vivian:"Actually, the last thing I was in was the supermarket."

Vivian:"It was like heaven. Except the angels was doing splits. It was hell on earth."

Vivian · Dancer:"Well, actually, I've been taking private instruction with Natalia Broshkova. -The dancer? -No, the obstetrician."

Vivian:"Häagen-Dazs Vanilla Swiss Almond."

Vivian:"I thought it was for those little cheese things Geoffrey makes."

Vivian:Why does this seem so familiar?

Vivian:Some nice twelve-grain organic... hot cereal.

Carlton · Vivian:Boy, that was better than the batch you made yesterday. / Good. That's why I made twice as much today.

Vivian:Look at poor Henry Firth. Ever since his wife left him he's been in one meaningless... unsatisfying relationship after another.

Vivian · Sonya:There is something that I am just dying to know. / Yes, I did it. And he deserved to be slapped.

Vivian:Carlton, why do I have service for eight in my drawers?

Vivian:I'll do my Dance of the Seven Veils. And I didn't bring any.

Philip · Vivian:Caesar! It's time to invade Alexandria! / Coming, Alexandria!

Philip · Vivian:Caesar! It's time to invade Alexandria! / Coming, Alexandria!

Vivian:It is when your breasts don't come with a receipt.

Vivian:But did you know that both of them were wearing nothing but cleats?

Vivian:Honey, that's $9.

Vivian · Philip:That's 80 cents. / Don't be ridiculous, Vivian.

Vivian:My hip hurts?

Vivian · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, it sounds like you're getting a cold. Not at all, madam. It was barely a stipple.

Vivian:Thank you for marrying... Carrying her.

Vivian:Now, baby, why don't you sit down and never get up?

Will · Vivian:Aunt Viv? -Yes? -Catch me.

Vivian · Philip:Have you forgotten the toaster incident, sweetie? Geoffrey hasn't. How was I supposed to know a piece of whole wheat would scratch a man's cornea?

Will · Vivian · Philip:Certainly got the pants for it. -I'm calling the plumber. -I'm calling the tailor.

Vivian · Philip:There's no dial tone. There's no static, either.

Vivian:Sure, honey, in four years. I'm sure the phone will still be broken.

Vivian:Leave him alone, honey, he's mine.

Vivian:if Mr. Goodwrench wants to visit Mrs. Toolbox... he'd better get Mr. Water running.

Vivian:Oh, no. Will, sweetie, you've been snapping everything in sight for days.

Vivian:I wasn't at Woodstock.

Vivian:Those two weirdoes are your father and I, and that ugly little kid is you.

Phil · Vivian · Hilary:As a matter of fact, she said she was going to a nuclear power plant in Texas. But then again, she did mention a migrant workers' camp in Salinas. No, honey, she said she was going to a voters' registration drive in Biloxi. Well, I thought she was just going to Saks.

Vivian · Will:How did this Playboy get in here? / I bought it.

Will · Vivian:Hey, your complexion has cleared up. / So did yours.

Vivian:Sorry, everybody, I just had to freshen up a little bit. You like my new pearls, Will?

Vivian · Robert:Thank you, baby, but I'm eating lighter these days. / You want half my melon?

Vivian · Robert:Tell them, baby. / I'm in construction.

Vivian · Ashley:Ashley, honey, where are your manners? / I'm sorry. Did he pop the question, please?

Aunt Vivian · Vivian · Aunt Vivian:The important question is, does his mother like you? / She's dead. / Girlfriend, you in.

Will · Will · Vivian:Mom! You half-naked! / Come on, you don't want Robert to get the wrong idea. / You damn straight! You don't think I'm doing these butt-busters for my health?

Vivian:Okay, that's it, young lady. You go to your room... in Philly.

Will · Vivian:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up, Mom. How you gonna play me? Why you ain't hook me up with one of them pink jumpies? / I couldn't find one with a fly.

Vivian:So what kind of marble do you want for those his-and-hers sinks?

Vivian · Aunt Vivian:I thought I was the sweet one. / You said you were the sweet one. When we tried to tell you you weren't... you wouldn't listen because you're too hard-headed.

Vivian · Aunt Vivian:Vivian, I can't get this out of my mind. How can you say that I am hard-headed? / Gee, Vy, I don't know where I could have gotten that idea.

Vivian:Don't you use that tone of walk with me.

Will · Vivian · Will:All right, but I'm picking my own chair. / Boy, sit down. / What a coincidence. That's the one I was going to pick.

Vivian · Will:Do you expect me to be alone forever? / Yeah. I mean, you done good this far.

Helen · Vivian:You know how some men are animaIs in bed? / Yes. / WeII, I don't.

Vivian:One day Iast month, I met PhiIip at the door... wearing nothing, honey, but Saran Wrap and a smiIe. WaIked right past me and said, "Hi, honey, did you make that meatIoaf?"

Vivian:I wouId have been reaching for my cute IittIe crowbar.

Vivian:I don't think it was the Fourth of JuIy, but I do remember fireworks.

Will · Uncle Phil · Carlton · Vivian:WiII! / Father! / CarIton! / Mother!

Vivian:That's what Drew Barrymore said.

Vivian · Carlton:Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute! / Mommy.

Vivian:Does James Brown have a perm?

Vivian:And, Philip, how come we don't ever go nowhere?

Philip · Vivian:Switzerland, Vivian. / Not far enough, Philip.

Vivian · Will:Will, you must change. / Carlton, you must grow.

Vivian:No. We're not getting a divorce, stupid.

Vivian:Hilary, honey, what your father's trying to say is... you don't live here anymore, honey.

Vivian:Wait a minute, Philip. Go back to where you finished your Yoo-hoo.

Vivian · Phil:Philip! Philip, honey. Honey, we're getting off easy. Come on. But it's not fair. She's winning!

Philip · Vivian:When Vivian asks if she's just a bustline to him, Philip responds 'Did you say something, honey?'

Will · Vivian:Will suggests Carlton's musical taste came from Vivian listening to 'It's a Small World After All' while pregnant

Vivian:Vivian tells Will 'Hands off the fetus'

Vivian · Philip:Philip, I am never wearing a bathing suit again, as long as I live. Now, honey, I'm sure the pool man didn't really mistake you for me.

Vivian · Philip:He called me Mr. Banks. That's still no reason to hold his head underwater, sweetheart.

Philip · Vivian:I'll get you some antacid for that. - No, don't. That wasn't me.

Vivian:Not you, stupid. Sit your butt down.

Vivian · Philip · Will:Hold me back, Philip. - Carlton, get out. Get out, now. Go. Hey, I got him, but take another step, and I'll fill you full of potassium.

Vivian · Philip · Vivian:I asked him to pass the salt. He told me to go long. / He was joking, Vivian. / Philip, he broke a window.

Will · Vivian · Will:I was careful when I drove it through the house. / I mean where did it come from? / The Harley factory.

Vivian · Will:Now you know what you need to do, don't you? / Yeah, put out.

Vivian:I've been waiting all my life to hear you say that.

Vivian:Thank you. See, Will, I inspire him.

Vivian · Trevor:Trevor, that's so sweet. But, honey, call me Mrs. Banks.

Vivian:How difficult could it possibly be?

Vivian:Well, that's telling him, Philip.

Vivian:Honey, couldn't we just put him to sleep?

Vivian:No, Philip, it's Richard Nixon wearing a Will mask.

Vivian:Well, with the big pay cut you'll have to take, we'll all be living in the pool house.

Carlton · Vivian:But Dad, aren't some of those lies? / Carlton, honey, they're all lies.

Philip · Vivian:Because it goes against everything I stand for. / What's your point?

Philip · Vivian:You won't believe this. They want me to give the eulogy at Judge Robertson's funeral. / Philip, you know, I really hate to speak ill of the dead... but if that little man hadn't died I would have killed him myself.

Vivian:Philip, you know, I really hate to speak ill of the dead... but if that little man hadn't died I would have killed him myself.

Vivian · Philip:Philip, any chance of getting those flowers after the funeral? / Sit down, Vivian.

Vivian:Freeze, bubble-butt!

Vivian:Good answer, Admiral Stockdale.

Vivian · Uncle Phil:No, you don't. You just don't want to sleep on the couch, Philip. I hate sleeping on that thing. It's all lumpy.

Vivian:You should have thought about that seven months ago... before that second bottle of wine, Philip.

Vivian:But, I'm afraid, honey, that I'm gonna have to kill you, anyway.

Vivian:Get out of the house.

Vivian:Philip, honey, at least take off the foil.

Vivian:Would you pick me up a gallon of Rocky Road and some sardines.

Vivian:And don't eat it all on the way home like you did last time.

Vivian:A horny husband.

Vivian:I could very easily rip out your heart, eat it, and then have a cappuccino.

Phil · Will · Vivian:That little girl who used to hang out around here. Pretty little thing. Black hair. - Amanda. Ashley. - Or was it Anna? - No. Ashley.

Vivian · Geoffrey:An explanation. - Mid-life crisis.

Vivian · Will:Will, honey, what are you talking about? / I wish to God I knew, Aunt Viv.

Vivian · Carlton:Carlton, honey, get up off the floor. My hand!

Vivian:You think I don't? I feel like I ate a Buick.

Vivian:Not that kind of proposition, Geoffrey. I will give you $50 to drive me over a set of railroad tracks.

Vivian:I will give you $50 to drive me over a set of railroad tracks.

Vivian:You hate me, don't you?

Uncle Phil · Vivian:Maybe I'll go upstairs to try to cheer up your mother. I'm so fat! On second thought, I'll call her from the car.

Will · Vivian:Look, a Donna Karan suit, right in the middle of the kitchen floor. What color? You gotta come out to see that.

Uncle Phil · Vivian:Thanks, kids, but... Look, Vivian, there's something I have to tell you. I lost my wedding ring. You mean this one? You found it! Yeah, I took it to have it inscribed. See, look. 'To a hundred years more.'

Vivian · Philip:Philip, did you get too close? I don't know, Vivian, is four feet too close?

Vivian:He's bluffing.

Jazz · Vivian:I brought a gift for baby Dicky. - Nicky. - Yeah. - Thank you. - Whatever.

Vivian · Will:Here, Will. Thank you, Jazz, very much.

Will · Vivian:You certainly ain't wasting no time getting a gown. Mom and Dad bought this for me when I hit puberty. One down, three to go.

Vivian · Philip:You went through it with Carlton. Yes, and look at how well he turned out.

Vivian:That's my zucchini.

Vivian:I guess we're just not a close family anymore.

Vivian:She really hasn't been the same since she had that sex change.

Vivian:Maybe next time we can actually hit second gear.

Vivian:Looks like a bunch of middle-aged men with too much time on their hands.

Vivian:Dan, you're an accountant.

Vivian:From what Helen tells me... she ain't giving him any heat anywhere else either.

Vivian · Uncle Phil:How come you knew that and I didn't? Because they talk to me. Why don't they talk to me? Because you don't listen.

Vivian:In that case, I never would've married you.

Vivian:It was a tie between your family and your temper.

Phil · Vivian:Doesn't my word mean anything to you? Of course it does, darling. Better call the Chinese restaurants too.

Vivian:And if you ever do anything to scare me like that again, I'll kill you.

Vivian:Even if it is a deathtrap.

Vivian:Children, there is no point in competing over who got Nicky the best present. That's right, because you'll all lose to me.

Vy · Vivian:Oh, yes, I did. And I guess you found it.

Vivian:When you hear this story, you are gonna laugh.

Vivian · Will:Maybe we should just try a bottle and a warm bath. - Thought you'd never ask.

Vivian · Carlton:Won't we be in the way? / Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go check my head for molt.

Philip · Vivian:Strudel, schnitzel... / Mercedes.

Vivian:You are way too into this.

Vivian:You big romantic guy you.

Vivian:Philip, why don't you be a man... and admit that you forgot Valentine's Day.

Phil · Vivian:Let's get out of here. - Just...

Phil · Vivian:We're going to Paris on our anniversary. Philip. Oh, that's next week. It is?

Hilary · Vivian:What's wrong with her face? Sweetheart, it's electronically scrambled.

Vivian:Up till today, Jazz was available. Now that he's getting married... well, forbidden fruit always looks more tempting, doesn't it?

Vivian:You can sleep on your couch.

Vivian:If I can stop him from coming home.

Vivian:Oh, that was fun.

Vivian:Who knows if we'd ever see you again? Come on.

Vivian:Okay, fine. He's puffed up like a blowfish and bald as an egg.

Vivian:Somebody's being selfish all right, but it isn't Will.

Hilary · Vivian · Hilary:Out where? / To the trash cans. You know, those things you hit every time you back out the car. / Thank God, I thought it was the neighbor's kids.

Vivian:Five months this Tuesday.

Will · Vivian:It's the same mom. Who are you?

Vivian · Phil:It's your opening, I want to look beautiful. Well, Vivian, I don't have that kind of time.

Phil · Vivian:Don't you give me that look. Vivian, she's giving me that look.

Will · Vivian:Didn't you chop the head off her teddy bear and flush it down the toilet? That's how I got over it.

Vivian:And I'd guess there's some laughing and pointing going on too.

Vivian · Phil:I can't believe you two. Mustard is not the answer. / No, she's right. Get the soy sauce.

Phil · Vivian · Will:Do I hate these things. - Why agree to be on the Board of Trustees? - Well, I'm a judge and judges are supposed to be on boards. - Well, it's just that with you, it's usually a smorgasbord.

Vivian:Sometimes we work so hard to give our kids what we didn't have... sometimes we forget to give them what we did have.

Phil · Vivian:Sweetheart, I think the suit's the same size. I said it must have shrunk a little.

Phil · Vivian:Fine, take the money. But then what? Holed up in some fleabag motel waiting for the man to come and take you away. And all that's left is to walk that last long, lonely mile with the Lord's Prayer... / Will you give the man the damn money?

Vivian:Whatever the last bid was, you raise the paddle and double it.

Phil · Vivian:One down, four to go. Take it easy, Philip.

Vivian:Yeah, yeah, come here. My foot wants to congratulate your butt.

Vivian · Geoffrey:What's love got to do with it? GEOFFREY [SINGING]: Got to do with it, got to do with it

Vivian · Nicky:They said it was his sincerity that impressed them the most. They liked that he was just being himself. That's what Will told me to do.

Vivian:It's Saturday, the guys are at the gym.

Vivian:So I guess it's your nose I should've been shoving in the pan.

Vivian · Hattie:No, no, no. For five hours straight, Helen never stopped moving. Well, that's why I've always had a boyfriend.

Vivian:Oh, we all know what a picky eater he is.

Vivian:Believe me, you don't need my onions to ruin your stuffing.

Vivian:Oh, girl, that boy couldn't keep up with me if I gave him a head start.

Vivian:Girl, that man wasn't looking at you, he was looking at me. Looking at me like it was lunchtime and my legs was Colonel Sanders' extra crispy.

Vivian:Shut up, Ashley.

Vivian:I guess it was kind of fun when Vy dropped that bag of powdered sugar all over Helen.

Vivian:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, I love y'all too... but the bottom line is my stuffing was the best. Any fool can see that. You tasted it. You tasted it with your own mouth.

Vivian · Hilary:You realize that modeling is a field... in which they judge you solely on your looks? - God, you are so lucky. Ha-ha-ha!

Vivian · Phil:But, Philip, you hate the ballet. - Worse than holding your purse, Vivian. That's how sorry I am.

Vivian · Geoffrey:That man is on thin ice. - I'll alert the fish.

Vivian:You would know. You've probably spent a lot more time with him than I have lately.

Vivian:Oh, I don't have to think. Philip has decided to do all of the thinking for both of us.

Geoffrey · Phil · Vivian:Coming, Geoffrey. - Stay where you are. - Leave. - I said, stay. - Leave us alone. - Go, go, go. - Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye.

Vivian:The only thing I see is that somewhere along the way, us became you.

Vivian:Oh, for God's sake, would you leave already!

Vivian:He's butchering it.

Phil · Vivian · Phil:They won't. Just because I'm running for political office doesn't mean I'm gonna win. / Philip, you win at everything. / Ha, ha. Touché, you got me there.

Vivian:It is a sad, sad day when Will Smith becomes the voice of reason.

Vivian · Will:Would you prefer a breast or thigh? Uh! He'll take a wing.

Vivian:I moved out of the horse when I was 17.

Vivian:Of course, we don't have losing to compare it to.

Vivian:When that little round yellow fuzzy thing comes at you, take a swipe at it.

Vivian:But if you double fault one more time, I am going to put you up for adoption.

Vivian:I met him after Princeton.

Vivian:I remember my first visit to New... Mexico. Ah. New Mexico. Heh. Nothing like taking a bite of the Big Ap... Tostada.

Uncle Phil · Ashley · Vivian:I've decided... Are you ready for this? ... to let you move to New York. But, Daddy... Honey, honey, let him have this one.

Ashley · Vivian · Will:Mom, how old are you? / Younger than your father. / But everything's younger than Dad.

Vivian · Hilary:I am not going through menopause. / Mood swing at 3 o'clock.

Vivian:I mean, Geoffrey only has two hands.

Vivian:Geoffrey only has two hands.