Slum Like It Not

Ashley:Well, when I'm nervous... I put a bag over my head and breathe very deeply.

Ashley:By the time I regain consciousness... I've forgotten everything I was worried about.

Will · Ashley:That's how I eat them. [ASHLEY SIGHS]

Ashley:So what, you and Lisa have no place to live. And no money in the bank. And a crummy dead-end job. Heh.

Ashley:Oh, wait. That would be me.

Ashley:You'll always be able to make a living. You do own a squeegee, don't you?

Will · Chorus:What I need is somebody to just walk in and say... You know what? I just made a bundle on the stock market. Ha. Now I just need something to invest it in. CHORUS [SINGING]: Hallelujah, hallelujah

Hilary:Well, first I tell him that I love him. Then I hug him so tight his wallet falls out and I kick it under the couch. Ha.

Will:So you hug him just to get money? That is low.

Phil · Will:PHIL: Well... WILL: Give me a hug, you big bear.

Carlton · Phil:- Stupid? Ha-ha-ha. PHIL: Bingo.

Will:I don't know. Drugstore was closed that weekend?

Phil:Yes. But your father never heard about fried-chicken-flavored aspirin.

Phil:And let's not forget about his beepers that cough.

Will:See, you're sitting in a movie theater, your beeper go off. Instead of hearing beep, beep, beep, beep, you hear: [COUGHING AND SNORTING]

Will:See? - That's a lot less annoying, right?

Will:Mm, mm, mm. Little Lance Ito. Who'd have thought it?

Jazz:Get off me. I'm only gonna say this twice.

Will:Uh, go with the original. Extra crispy is overrated.

Jazz:[IN JAMAICAN ACCENT] Uncle Phil, mon... how would you like to live in an island paradise?

Jazz:The sun from your melon be blinding the little children.

Will · Phil:Well... Jazz lives here, Uncle Phil. Oh, that's very different. I know I'm not interested.

Jazz:I lived in a strip mall, Mr. Banks. And I don't need to tell you how hard it is to take a bath in the men's room sink.

Phil:Oh, well, I'm sorry, Whoopi.

Phil:But I can assure you that Donald Trump does not negotiate business deals... playing a ukulele and wearing a Bullwinkle hat.

Geoffrey · Will:- Danish? - Only on my mother's side.

Will:You know, it's amazing because just last night... you were saying how stupid this was. It must have morphed.

Will:You backpedal any faster, Uncle Phil... you're gonna moonwalk right through that wall.

Will:I mean, you spend more than that on Milk Duds. You know, in the course of a year. You know.

Phil:You know, Will, you backpedal pretty well yourself.

Jazz:I told you to get a big-screen TV.

Will · Phil:Excuse me, my beeper. [PHIL COUGHS]

Will · Carlton:Find something nice to say about that. I think I killed a rat.

Phil:[MUFFLED] Could someone grab the cappuccino maker?

Will:Well, Uncle Phil, the only way it could get rough now... is if Geoffrey forgot your croissants.

Will:Now our little penthouse got central air. Whoosh.

Will:And so will this. [CRUNCHING] You allow pets.

Jazz · Phil:- Knock, knock. - Who's there? The head of the tenants association. That's me.

Jazz:After you put a couple of million dollars in this place, it'll be worth thousands.

Jazz:Somebody keep making them damn Chevy Chase movies.

Jazz:Sticky stuff on the stairs tastes bitter.

Carlton:No. He wants you to call the idiot... who keeps greenlighting all those Chevy Chase movies.

Will:Oh, I bet you are, Carlton. Because you can't kiss his butt from here.

Carlton · Phil:What kind of idiot would patch the roof with newspaper? [PHIL SCREAMING]

Carlton:Oh. Didn't you hear? Their new hits collection comes out next week.

Will:[IMITATING CARLTON] Oh. Well, jeez Louise... we better rush down and wait in line right now.

Carlton:Bunny rabbit. Ha, ha. Look. An American eagle with one wing.

Carlton · Will:[SCREAMING]

Carlton:Oh, at own risk. Sorry.

Phil:In fact, this week was kind of invigorating. Which reminds me, I think I'm gonna go freshen up. I think I saw a hydrant on the corner and now I know how to use a wrench.

Phil:Well, you got me there.

Will:You used to be a lot better at these little talks, Uncle Phil.

Will:Hey, man, don't you think I'm a little old for a spanking?

Will · Phil:And they say guys can't express their true feelings. You know what I'm saying? Hah, hah. That's ridiculous, isn't it? Ha-ha-ha.

Phil:Oh, 'let's jet.' That was hip. Did you hurt yourself?

Jazz:Damn, a coat of paint in a roach motel and you're all over yourself.

Jazz:Yeah, an offer to withhold my rent until I can come up with it.

Jazz · Will:[YELLS] [JAZZ THUDDING] Ooh. My God. Uh, that's okay, Uncle Phil. His rent check would have bounced too.