Geoffrey Butler

Will · Geoffrey:Will mistakes Geoffrey the butler for Uncle Phil

Geoffrey · Will:Geoffrey says 'Master William, walk this way' and Will responds 'No.'

Geoffrey:For some of us, that will require very little effort indeed.

Geoffrey:I officially go off duty at 9:00 p.m. And if you care to look at your watch, you will note that the long hand is on 12, and the short hand is on 9. It is 9:00, Master William.

Will · Geoffrey:And do you know what that means? / Masterpiece Theatre is on.

Geoffrey:Perhaps a gun.

Philip · Geoffrey:Then what was the point of the story? Sheer entertainment, sir.

Geoffrey:I believe the technical term is a 'rim shot.'

Philip · Geoffrey:From now on, I'm no longer Philip Banks. Just call me King Edward IV. As you wish, Your Majesty.

Geoffrey:Humor, sir.

Geoffrey:My life was but a mere whisper until you entered into it.

Geoffrey:Madam, the press is made up of a very low type of person. You see what they've done to Fergie.

Geoffrey:quiet as a church mouse. Hasn't spoken a word for hours. What a shame.

Geoffrey:It's a sandwich composed of cheese, steak, and a croissant de boulanger from the Café Antoinette in Beverly Hills.

Geoffrey · Ashley:I'm sorry you don't like it. I'll dispose of it later. - I'll throw it out. - I'll dispose of it, Ashley.

Geoffrey · Ice Tray:Well, no. You still got it, man.

Geoffrey:Not to me. Of course, I'm sober.

Geoffrey:Shall I call for a car, sir, or just shoot him out of a cannon?

Geoffrey:I mean cab, madam.

Geoffrey:I shall load Mr. Tray's belongings into the cannon. I mean cab, madam.

Geoffrey:Right away, sir. I shall tend to my hernia a bit later.

Hilary · Geoffrey:Let me know if it's for me. But, Miss Hilary, I'm off duty. And you're sitting right next to the phone. Yeah, but you're facing the phone.

Geoffrey:Lazy House.

Geoffrey:I'm tired of doing favors for you spoilt children. I'm off duty. I am not an animal.

Will · Geoffrey:Look, Geoffrey. We're voguing. And what is the precise nature of this nervous disorder?

Will · Geoffrey:You should be good at it. Come on, strike the pose. Unhand me, you ruffian.

Geoffrey:The crowd rose to its feet shouting, 'Encore!'

Geoffrey:Master William, there is a young gentleman downstairs... with a rather large radio who is here to see you. He claims his name is Jazz.

Will · Geoffrey:Tell Michael I'll have to work on his dance steps later. / That's Bo Jackson.

Geoffrey:'How desperate do you think I am?' 'Not on your life.' And, 'Ha ha ha ha ha... ha.'

Geoffrey:That's Bo Jackson.

Geoffrey:Ha ha ha ha ha... ha.

Geoffrey:Geoffrey's reaction to the rap - 'He just lit up'

Geoffrey:Surely you gleaned that much from watching Mr. Belvedere.

Geoffrey:I wouldn't want to disappoint King Elizabeth.

Geoffrey:During the '70s, I was briefly employed as Led Zeppelin's road butler.

Geoffrey:I would be most happy to, but to the best of my knowledge... hell has not yet frozen over.

Geoffrey:It has been a while.

Geoffrey:You're not the first to have made that comparison.

Geoffrey:For example, if I were to judge you by your costume... I should guess you were some kind of circus performer.

Geoffrey:I am, as the saying goes... a fairly fly individual.

Geoffrey:She's certainly a hot little number.

Geoffrey:I am afraid I was a little too intimidating for the poor girl.

Geoffrey:Yes. The resemblance is quite striking.

Geoffrey:You've met your match, Master William.

Vivian · Philip · Geoffrey:All right. You were a football god. Okay. Who knows, it might do him some good. Nothing like a little organized sport to straighten a guy out. Yes. It did wonders for Pete Rose.

Geoffrey · Vivian · Jazz:True, madam, but I have found that any game can be made interesting... if you put a little money on it. $50 says Bel-Air wins it. Who'd take that bet? You rang, beautiful?

Jazz · Geoffrey:Thirty, forty, fifty! There. Thanks, man. Nice doing business with you.

Geoffrey · Jazz:Would you care to place a wager? I don't know anything about snooker. Don't worry. I'll tell you everything you need to know.

Viola · Geoffrey:You can take those bags yourself. That man is twice your age. Even though he doesn't look it.

Geoffrey:After you, Master William.

Geoffrey · Will:You shouted, Master William? Yes, Geoffrey. Why don't you have a seat and have some of this delicious peach cobbler... while we clear the table.

Vivian · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, it's frozen solid. Really, madam? I thought it was just scared.

Geoffrey:from looking at the remarkable way your ears protrude from your head.

Geoffrey:Then by all means, go. Might I recommend the gourmet deli on Roxbury?

Geoffrey:What the bloody hell kind of song is that?

Geoffrey:They are threatening to burn Frosty in effigy.

Geoffrey:Still, I think it's best we avoid eye contact for the rest of the evening.

Geoffrey:Mr. Evander Holyfield. The undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World.

Geoffrey:And was your sucking up as successful as you'd hoped?

Geoffrey · Will:What's his handicap, sir? / Ain't it obvious?

Geoffrey:Does he need a butler? Just asking. For a friend.

Geoffrey:You know, I've always wished I had the nerve... to tell off my employers.

Geoffrey:Because I've always been partial to food and shelter.

Hilary · Geoffrey:It's like, I mean... Leave me alone! You're hired.

Geoffrey:You're hired.

Geoffrey:While the gitting's good, madam.

Geoffrey:Sorry, sir, but she threatened me with a whupping.

Geoffrey:The candles are starting to melt.

Geoffrey:Much worse.

Will · Geoffrey:$10 says I ain't home. / It doesn't quite say it loudly enough. / Do I hear $15?

Geoffrey:May I get you anything, Master William? A dribble bib?

Geoffrey:Master Carlton. First of all, I like Benny Hill.

Geoffrey:This is precisely what cannot happen when Lord Fowler arrives.

Geoffrey:if 895 members of the royal family instantly died... she would be the next queen of England.

Geoffrey:Wasn't there quite a row in the House of Lords in 1912... when they repealed the Tuna Laws?

Geoffrey:My cousin Roddy has just been suddenly struck with malaria. I must go to quarantine immediately.

Geoffrey:What have you done with Lady Penelope, you knuckle-dragging swine?

Geoffrey:In my youth, I was quite a Greco-Roman wrestler.

Geoffrey:You're young. You have your whole life ahead of you. It's best I bear the brunt of the punishment.

Geoffrey:I hope it's no one I know.

Geoffrey:In the early '80s, I was sparring butler for Mr. Chuck Norris.

Geoffrey:At least he's got the terminology down.

Geoffrey:And 10% for his manager.

Geoffrey:Excellent, Miss Hilary. You must let me know what that feels like.

Vivian · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, did you really enjoy having Will out of the house that much? The closest I'll ever get to a bonus.

Geoffrey:On reflection, perhaps I should.

Geoffrey:How are you doodly-do doing?

Geoffrey:I have never been more humiliated in my life.

Geoffrey · Will:Right there.

Geoffrey:We are going to play a new game. It's called Clean Up After Your Spoiled Little Selves.

Geoffrey · Jazz:Geoffrey throws Jazz out (visual gag inferred from context)

Geoffrey:If you grab me in that place again, we're engaged.

Carlton · Geoffrey:Does Jazz have a last name? / I believe it's Matazz.

Geoffrey:That's ugly.

Geoffrey:Pardon me while I go get a knife.

Geoffrey:Now I won't have to slash your tires.

Geoffrey:Boy, this is a rare treat. I get to cruise Beverly Hills in a Volvo.

Geoffrey:It's not me, Master Carlton, it's the road. It thinks it's an.... Earthquake!

Geoffrey:It was either the knob or one of you.

Geoffrey:Still got it.

Geoffrey:Still got it.

Geoffrey:No, but if there's a God in heaven I will by Christmas.

Geoffrey:I'm sure when he called you a sophomoric cretin it was just a figure of speech.

Will · Geoffrey:Could you put that on a croissant for me? / Certainly.

Geoffrey · Will:Swiss? / No, Gorgonzola.

Carlton · Geoffrey:Can you make me a Gorgonzola sandwich on a croissant, heavy on the Grey Poupon? / Certainly.

Geoffrey:At least I don't have to follow him around with a pooper-scooper.

Geoffrey:They're quite exhilarating if you sit directly on them.

Will · Geoffrey:Hey, yo, G. Can I borrow your new TV, man? -Certainly, Master William, it's in my suite. -No, it ain't, G. It's right here.

Geoffrey:Madam, sir... I have just taken the liberty of rotating your tires... re-grouting the pool... and drawing up plans for a small gazebo.

Geoffrey:I'm sorry? I thought you said $20 per week.

Geoffrey:And with my newfound wealth... I can treat myself to a Happy Meal.

Geoffrey:You can have my job, Master Carlton.

Geoffrey · Uncle Phil:I might as well tell you right now... I won't come back for a penny less than $80 more per week. We'll give you $100 a week.

Geoffrey:Unless you'd be willing to consider a full-time cook... preferably Jamaican, with an incredible set of... cookware.

Geoffrey:Magnificent server.

Geoffrey:Miss Hillary, the day you do everything for yourself... will be the day I square-dance naked on the White-House lawn.

Hilary · Geoffrey:"What's wrong with you, girl? I gave you two weeks salary and you got a pot holder?"

Geoffrey:I would prefer an assassin's bullet to this kind of living hell.

Geoffrey:Yes. I'm about to laugh myself into a seizure.

Geoffrey:I'll put some chili in his pocket.

Geoffrey:A wise butler sees nothing, hears nothing... and takes detailed notes for his book.

Geoffrey:That woman must be stopped!

Geoffrey:Actually, we'll be reminiscing about Benson.

Geoffrey:Actually, we'll be reminiscing about Benson.

Geoffrey:Get It Your Own Damn Self.

Will · Geoffrey:Oh, by the way, G, she told me to tell you hello. Really? No, I just wanted to watch the Earl Grey run through your veins.

Geoffrey:When we have children like that in England we encourage them to emigrate.

Geoffrey:Shaken, not stirred. I trust you won't be dancing on the table with a lamp shade on your head.

Geoffrey:Ante is one vanilla wafer. Table limit, four mint Milanos.

Geoffrey · Ashley:I'll get my wallet. -I'll get my Smurf bank.

Geoffrey:Where did you learn? A back alley in Calcutta?

Geoffrey:Hot water and chewing gum, sir.

Geoffrey:It's clearly a lie. It's a blatant, bold-faced lie! I'll hate myself in the morning.

Geoffrey:As for you, there is a special place for you in homeboy hell.

Geoffrey:Well, Hillary, other than the pork thing, they're pretty much just like us.

Geoffrey:Sonny, what you do in the privacy of the bedroom is nobody's business but yours. Just be true to yourself! He'll come around.

Geoffrey:Geoffrey don't raise no fools.

Geoffrey:I'm a bad boy, ain't I?

Hilary · Geoffrey:Work sucks. But you already know that, don't you?

Geoffrey:Hot diggity dog, where have you been all my life?

Geoffrey:You read my mind.

Geoffrey:Who am I kidding? My nose is as open as a 7-Eleven.

Geoffrey:She's so cultured, she's so refined. She can read.

Geoffrey · Will:Geoffrey breaking every rule Will just gave him during the phone call

Geoffrey:The last housekeeper I dated turned up in a T-shirt that said 'Loose Booty.'

Geoffrey:I want to take you in my arms like a load of fresh laundry, hot from the dryer.

Geoffrey:Lunch is served. But it sucks.

Geoffrey:have you ever had somebody come into your life and suddenly... it's as if a door opens and everything goes from drab black and white to glorious color. And then just as suddenly, she's gone. The door slams in your face, and you're left standing alone in the dark.

Geoffrey:I stayed with my Uncle Neville and his common law wife, Ruby.

Geoffrey:Getting this water spot off your fork.

Geoffrey:They're all folded the wrong way.

Geoffrey:I think it's time for me to go squeeze the Caruthers.

Geoffrey:I should never have let something as foolish as $25,000,000 come between us.

Vivian · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, it sounds like you're getting a cold. Not at all, madam. It was barely a stipple.

Geoffrey:As you bish, madam.

Geoffrey:Oh, get real.

Geoffrey:Allow me to see you out, Aunt Blabby.

Geoffrey:I believe he referred to it as 'Sominex in a dust jacket.'

Philip · Geoffrey:The next person that mentions the phone, gets a boot in their behind. Mr. Banks, your phone is broken.

Geoffrey:It occurs to me, this family's got a lot to learn about hospitality.

Geoffrey:Would you mind standing downwind?

Geoffrey:At this rate? About the time Queen Elizabeth opens for Queen Latifah.

Geoffrey:It appears he's been getting notes warning him to get out of town.

Geoffrey:She was too busy calling me a pathetic servant of the capitalist fat cats.

Geoffrey:I have known freedom, don't like the health plan.

Geoffrey:Whatever you say, Phil.

Geoffrey:How about reservations?

Geoffrey:I'm afraid it's drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford Center, madam.

Geoffrey:Sir, I hope you brought your protective cup.

Geoffrey:It's good to know those four years at Oxford didn't go to waste.

Geoffrey:Moron! Fathead!

Geoffrey:Bunt, you pasty-faced sod!

Geoffrey:What the hell's your problem? You got bricks in your butt, you clown?

Geoffrey:They're not, thieving wankers.

Geoffrey:No, Master William's not home, thank God.

Geoffrey:And they also requested that you bring a spare... G-string.

Geoffrey:Madam, I went to boarding school. And then I went to therapy.

Philip · Geoffrey:Who asked you? Get my lunch. / Right away, sir. / The man has a tapeworm.

Geoffrey:How shall I put this? The food sucks.

Geoffrey:I've looked everywhere. There isn't an ice cream sandwich left in this town.

Geoffrey:Quite right, sir. You threw him on the lawn. He rolled into the street.

Uncle Phil · Geoffrey:Predictable, sir? She said that I wear the same... Blue shirt every weekend, sir? Yes, I mean, just because a man has... Froot Loops every morning. Just because I watch... Legal Eagles every night.

Geoffrey:Why, you're a regular hotbed of spontaneity.

Hilary · Geoffrey:Hilary says the reporter is cute and wonders why she's never seen him, Geoffrey responds 'Probably 'cause this is the news and he's never been on Studs'

Geoffrey:Well, I can assure you, it won't be me. This time, the butler didn't do it... hasn't done it... and I'd be surprised if he even remembered how to do it.

Geoffrey · Will:The windows. I'm sorry. I fell. We didn't mean to. I fell. I fell.

Geoffrey:Perhaps you'd like me to catch a Frisbee in my teeth?

Geoffrey:Who knew Christmas would come twice this year?

Will · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, you look great today. Have you done something different with your hair? / Yes. I stopped pulling it out.

Geoffrey:Marvelous. With what I'm paid... I should be able to afford one by the end of the day.

Carlton · Geoffrey:I was talking to Will. / Of course. Why would anyone talk to me? I am but a poor, lowly servant.

Geoffrey:It's Ben.

Will · Geoffrey:Yo, G, here's the whipped cream you wanted for dinner. / Who said it was for dinner?

Geoffrey:For the last time, sir... I am not Benson.

Geoffrey:Well, down the toilet it goes.

Will · Geoffrey:I didn't know he had kids. He doesn't. And that's not his wife.

Geoffrey:So what are you wearing?

Geoffrey · Will:My uncle Reggie always insisted the woods were safer than the cities. Until the day he died. - Word? Yo, how'd he die? He was eaten by wolves.

Geoffrey:I have no life.

Geoffrey:On my day off? You'd really let me?

Geoffrey:I've been saving that genteel pleasure to calm myself lest I get too giddy from scrubbing the john.

Will · Geoffrey:You know, you really need a woman, G. / What's a woman?

Geoffrey:Self magazine... Shape magazine... and Sassy magazine. And for you, sir, Elf magazine... Ape magazine... and Sissy magazine.

Geoffrey:I think I must have been very bad in a previous life.

Geoffrey:Really? I hadn't noticed.

Geoffrey:You people don't pay me enough for this.

Geoffrey:Then you couldn't possibly feel me do this.

Geoffrey:Pop a Midol.

Geoffrey:Oh, good, a floor show.

Geoffrey:I got dressed all by myself this morning.

Geoffrey:And I'd feel a lot better if you'd wash your own underthings.

Geoffrey:Like one hell of a night in Tijuana.

Geoffrey:At least she offered me $200.

Geoffrey:I'm bloody sick of the two of you going through my drawers.

Geoffrey:Sir, when she's not looking, break one of her crystal figurines. It'll work wonders for your attitude.

Geoffrey:Apparently, I gave you the impression that I really wanted to know.

Geoffrey:Sir, when she's not looking, break one of her crystal fusiliers.

Geoffrey:They must got them in London.

Geoffrey:Well, there goes Saturday night at Sizzler. I had coupons, too

Geoffrey:Now you're a sandwich

Geoffrey:Wait a second, that is what life is like

Geoffrey:Wait a second, that is what life is like.

Geoffrey:Ngo Dinh Diem

Geoffrey:And might I add, ha ha! And, ha!

Geoffrey:Ah, the cheap stuff. Not to worry, Phil

Geoffrey:Do the family a favor, get Viv some cooking lessons

Geoffrey:I'm buying the O'Jays

Geoffrey:Like this: 'Goodbye'

Geoffrey:Yes! Well, some things never change

Geoffrey:You used my own ruse against me. How I admire you. Die!

Geoffrey:You catch on quickly, you little twit

Geoffrey:You promise?

Will · Geoffrey · Carlton:We love you, Dad. All right. I'll come back home. Daddy's coming home. Thank you, Daddy.

Geoffrey:How thrilling for you!

Geoffrey:Hallmark couldn't have put it any better.

Geoffrey:You paid for your own dinner.

Geoffrey:Even Aladdin only got three wishes.

Will · Geoffrey:I can get 300 spankies for this. $225, tops. I tried selling it yesterday.

Geoffrey:Judging by your lovely brothers and sisters... you're going to need an insurance policy before you're potty trained.

Geoffrey:Preferably a young nanny... amply endowed, with no inhibitions.

Vivian · Geoffrey:An explanation. - Mid-life crisis.

Geoffrey:The baby's.

Geoffrey:Calgon, take me away!

Geoffrey:Zip-a-dee, and might I add doo-dah!

Geoffrey:Geoffrey's rant about Will's sneakers and women

Geoffrey:I'm guessing they're not for me. I haven't put out in years.

Geoffrey:Oh, if you need me, I'll be dodging winos at the bus station.

Geoffrey · Uncle Phil:Actually, sir, I have an impacted wisdom tooth... my hair is falling out, and I have a bunion the size of my fist. Oh, no. We're out of Mrs. Butterworth's. Thanks for the talk, big guy.

Geoffrey · Uncle Phil:It's nice to know that all my labors haven't gone unnoticed. I was talking to Will. And I, apparently, was talking to myself.

Will · Geoffrey:G, it's coffee. No, it's Folgers Crystals.

Geoffrey:Perhaps if we were both younger, and I didn't work for you.

Geoffrey:It's rather difficult to tell just by looking.

Geoffrey:What bell?

Geoffrey:What bell?

Geoffrey:Now, we're on the same train of thought.

Geoffrey · Ashley:Ashley, you can't drive. / Grow up. I've been taking the car since I was 12. Come on.

Geoffrey:Yes, sir, I'm a very, very bad butler. / In fact, I'm going to punish myself. / No phone privileges for a week.

Geoffrey:In fact, I'm going to punish myself. No phone privileges for a week.

Geoffrey:Touché. Did you by any chance see Murder, She Wrote last week? No. Good. Watch your back.

Geoffrey:All right, but I draw the line at breastfeeding.

Geoffrey:I love my work. Excuse me, I need to call my therapist.

Geoffrey:I'm off duty. You can talk, but I don't have to listen.

Will · Geoffrey:Two gorillas go into a bar, right? - Not.

Keith · Geoffrey:Okay, well, I got a tip for you. Tails is out. - So are you. There's the door.

Geoffrey:So are you. There's the door.

Geoffrey:Now, that's funny.

Uncle Phil · Geoffrey · Will:Exceptional buns, Geoffrey. - Thank you, sir. Yes, I think he's been doing the StairMaster.

Geoffrey:I quit!

Geoffrey:Why should I be invited to such an illustrious event after a mere 15 years... of wiping, picking and sucking up after you all?

Geoffrey:I'll have to check my book.

Geoffrey:That's funny. Will always has seconds at home.

Geoffrey:Because if you're left back and I have to wash your gym socks for another year... I shall take my own life.

Geoffrey:I'll get the wheelbarrow, sir.

Geoffrey:Patchouli, sweet of you to notice.

Geoffrey:We'll draw straws for the little bugger. Short one loses.

Geoffrey:I've seen you both naked anyway.

Geoffrey:Stop persecuting me! I've done nothing, I tell you. Nothing.

Geoffrey:[Geoffrey takes taxi in the middle of marathon race]

Geoffrey:Green card? What green card?

Geoffrey:I wouldn't call it disobedience, sir. It's more like outright defiance.

Geoffrey:Oh, gosh, now you've gone and spoiled the surprise.

Geoffrey:Geoffrey slamming door on trick-or-treaters after saying 'Trick...'

Geoffrey:It's Halloween. It's supposed to be fun for the children. Oh, tell it to Barney.

Geoffrey:How do you think I ended up here?

Geoffrey:For a moment there, I thought you'd found those Polaroids of me in a tutu. New Year's Eve. A fellow gets crazy.

Geoffrey:What I need is a judge who can be bought off, like you.

Geoffrey:I'll be in the kitchen throwing up.

Geoffrey:Got a moment, Fonzie?

Geoffrey:Oh, sir, the body shop called. They said your motorcycle is completely totaled.

Geoffrey:but have to pay for that box of Eskimo Pies you ate.

Geoffrey:if you can tear yourself away from your imaginary friend

Geoffrey:Tell me, might this young lady have a terminal illness?

Geoffrey:Then may I point out, she'll still be here tomorrow.

Geoffrey:Too bad. They're not here.

Geoffrey:If you don't care where your children are, sir, neither do I.

Geoffrey:That one's on the house.

Geoffrey:You probably don't recognize it without a thick coating of batter and gravy.

Geoffrey · Ashley:And doing a wonderful job, I might add. Shut up, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey:You mean your knife and fork?

Geoffrey:Look: It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Master Nicky.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Well, Miss Hilary, I guess beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Yeah, right.

Geoffrey:Oh, but it's all right for him to think Santa's only three feet tall.

Geoffrey:So that's where the cereal box tops went.

Geoffrey:That is a hand puppet.

Geoffrey:Your generosity knows no bounds, sir.

Vy · Helen · Geoffrey:Geoffrey! Geoffrey! Somebody spill something?

Geoffrey:Oh, madam, I don't know what to say. This is the best Christmas gift I could ever get.

Geoffrey:This is the best Christmas gift I could ever get. Thank you.

Geoffrey:I haven't had one this good since I was strip searched at Dulles Airport.

Geoffrey:Idiot.

Geoffrey:Amazon women had just bound me with sinuous vines...and were taunting me with tangelos.

Geoffrey:Yes, perhaps the scent of sea breeze...will recall some painful memory for him, and then he'll commit suicide.

Uncle Phil · Geoffrey:Now I know how Captain Ahab felt when he was chasing Moby Dick. - Between the two of you, the cricket is the whale?

Geoffrey:Especially Master William who will discover the joy of working for a Banks.

Geoffrey:Count your blessings.

Geoffrey:Otherwise, I'd be out parasailing with these.

Geoffrey:We'll be melon balling at 0600.

Geoffrey:Hey, I checked her coat.

Geoffrey:Don't think of me as just a manservant, think of me as a pleasure dome.

Philip · Geoffrey:Jazz, to what do we owe your presence? My guess would be inbreeding.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Oh, Miss Hilary, could you pass me that heavy iron skillet over there? Hello. How thoughtless of me.

Geoffrey · Hilary:No. Can you say that to me? Well, let's try it again. No. By George, I've got it. - No, no.

Geoffrey:No.

Geoffrey:Good God.

Geoffrey:Peasant!

Geoffrey:Sir, that's a sponge.

Geoffrey:Oh, and sir, the limbo bar is set at three feet when you're ready.

Geoffrey:It's in your tie drawer next to the Pringles.

Geoffrey:Least that's better than the Kit Kat he keep with his drawers.

Geoffrey:With all due respect, young sir... I've seen you in action with women, and quite frankly, you're an idiot.

Geoffrey:Let's see, there's 'some kind of perfume or something,' from Miss Hilary. 'A book might be neat,' from Miss Ashley. And, 'here's 20 bucks and I expect some change back' from Master Carlton.

Geoffrey:'A book might be neat,' from Miss Ashley.

Geoffrey:And, 'here's 20 bucks and I expect some change back'... ...from Master Carlton.

Geoffrey · Uncle Phil:Makes me wanna do something special for Mrs. Banks myself. So you don't want me to get the usual dozen roses? No, that's good enough.

Geoffrey:Shall I call 911?

Geoffrey:Were your ears burning, sir?

Geoffrey:The master lives a life of ease / While we live life upon our knees / Waste not your tears / And save your breath / For soon he'll die a violent death

Geoffrey:Works for me.

Geoffrey · Philip:Here comes Mr. Sunshine. / Shut up, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey:You're not gonna hit him, are you? Because I don't wanna miss that.

Geoffrey:You're not gonna hit him, are you? Because I don't wanna miss that.

Geoffrey:Sir, I hate to disturb you during feeding time...

Carlton · Geoffrey:It was amazing and endless and magnificent. I think I saw God. / Don't stop.

Uncle Phil · Geoffrey:You'd think in a house this big, a fellow would get a little privacy. / Or stronger doors.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Hilary... Trevor wasn't cremated. / Then who's this?

Geoffrey:Whatever he hasn't eaten.

Uncle Phil · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, go fetch my tools. / You mean your knife and fork?

Geoffrey:There is room for one more.

Geoffrey:If you need me, I'll be hiding the silver.

Geoffrey:Perhaps later on we could pour some water on her and watch her melt.

Geoffrey:What a wonderful lesson for Master Nicky. Perhaps now you could teach him to run with scissors.

Geoffrey:Hilary, you were suppo... Never mind.

Geoffrey:Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name... I was rather enjoying it.

Hilary · Geoffrey:Ooh, that witch. So you see it too. All I see is a beautiful woman... perched atop two of the most finely sculpted legs I've ever seen.

Hilary · Geoffrey:You know, this housework stuff's kind of fun. Heh. / There's another one.

Geoffrey · Will:Master William...if you're serious, I could make a call. / I was just kidding, G. / Me too.

Geoffrey:I call this one Workmen's Compensation.

Geoffrey:Tell me, sir, do I wash that or take a weed whacker to it?

Geoffrey · Phil:Sir, perhaps you could get them to erect... a fence. / Geoffrey.

Geoffrey:And a plain brown package for me. I'll be taking my break now.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Sorry, I got caught up in the fantasy. About me? No, about that decent job.

Geoffrey:Please, Miss Ashley, don't give me away.

Geoffrey:He says he's at the store.

Geoffrey:Well, you are what you eat.

Phil · Geoffrey:Did you just call me a big old Butterball? Nothing gets past you, sir.

Geoffrey:Tomato, tomato.

Geoffrey:'Leather'?

Geoffrey:I meant me.

Geoffrey:A week.

Geoffrey:Asking Miss Lisa for permission?

Geoffrey:[CLUCKING]

Geoffrey:In fact, I'm going to go upstairs right now and have myself a good cry.

Geoffrey:[CRIES]

Geoffrey:I hate my life.

Philip · Geoffrey:Well, I don't know, I suppose when it's finished, you'll dust it.

Geoffrey:Miss Ashley and I are about the same height... it would be a simple matter of painting my head on her body

Geoffrey:When we find Ashley, she's reimbursing me for gas

Vivian · Geoffrey:What's love got to do with it? GEOFFREY [SINGING]: Got to do with it, got to do with it

Geoffrey:Sir, when you're finished eating, I've pre-pasted your toothbrush upstairs.

Geoffrey:Which reminds me. Lisa called.

Geoffrey:It was, 20 years ago.

Geoffrey:You call him 'Daddy.'

Geoffrey:I'm expected to be on call for his 3 a.m. feeding.

Geoffrey:Well, it's not as if he gave her a kidney.

Geoffrey:It's a pool table.

Geoffrey:I don't believe blacktopping your tennis court falls into that category.

Geoffrey:Not too lazy to quit.

Geoffrey:Aw, don't get into a hissy fit, sir. I left dinner in the oven.

Geoffrey:Not on what you're paying me. But for 35,000, I'll slap you silly.

Geoffrey:Any one at which I'm not serving hors d'oeuvres or pouring champagne.

Geoffrey:No.

Geoffrey:Just my luck...Whitney Houston and I had just survived a nuclear holocaust. And now I was the last man on Earth.

Geoffrey:Only if he sits on it.

Geoffrey:Nope.

Geoffrey · Will:- Danish? - Only on my mother's side.

Geoffrey:That reminds me, Mrs. Banks called to say she'll be working late again...with Professor Johnson at her office writing her book.

Uncle Phil · Geoffrey:If you were a woman, would you find me attractive? Nope.

Geoffrey:Why, he's 15 years her junior. Whatever would they do together?

Geoffrey:So does watching it.

Geoffrey:Oh, just go for it, sir. I'll swear it came that way.

Geoffrey:Oh, I can't believe it either. He called her 'dear.'

Geoffrey:I haven't seen such a disaster on the telly since they cancelled Manimal.

Geoffrey:Certainly, sir. I'll just have to make this triple fudge bundt cake tomorrow.

Geoffrey:Aren't you glad I use Dial?

Geoffrey:Can he make me think I care?

Geoffrey:Actually, madam, I got it from the Gary Coleman Cookbook. Hope you like short ribs.

Geoffrey:Why, certainly, Master Carlton. I just happen to have a trolley in my trousers.

Geoffrey · Hilary:What's so funny? Miss Hilary... remember when you caught me in the potting shed... with Sabrina, the tennis tutor? Oh, I certainly do. And Daddy was so mad when I told him. Yes, remember I said I'd get you back? Yeah. We're even.

Geoffrey:Where's a gong when you need one?

Geoffrey:Well, you're half right. Hah!

Geoffrey:I believe it is.

Geoffrey:Follow the Ding Dong debris.

Will · Will · Geoffrey:Wow. You know, that's deep, G. - Hey, where'd you get that? - Popeye.

Will · Woman · Geoffrey:Geoffrey? / But you told me your name was Will. / No, I said I was willing.

Geoffrey:I didn't say it was a good plan.

Geoffrey:Imagine that.

Geoffrey:Oh, dear God.

Geoffrey:I'm afraid that ship has sailed.

Geoffrey:Farewell. - Cheerio.

Geoffrey:Isn't that a pronoun that would include me?

Geoffrey:I don't know. Lack of a kitchen?

Geoffrey:Don't make me choose. Red or brown? Ooh...

Geoffrey:You know, it's true what they say, TV really does add 10 pounds. Hmm. What would account for the other 250?

Uncle Phil · Geoffrey:Food? Ha-ha-ha. Shut up.

Geoffrey:You asked if she called, sir. She was here.

Geoffrey:You asked if she called, sir.

Geoffrey:Don't know, don't care.

Phil · Geoffrey:What is this? / Tofu and rice cakes. / I tried to warn you. / Mrs. Banks has run amuck.

Phil · Geoffrey:Gone, sir. / My pimento loaf? / I'm afraid so, sir. / But I still have some bologna in the... / She got that too, sir.

Geoffrey:Say what you will, but he is a good provider.

Geoffrey:Touch that and you'll be on the first thing smoking back to London.

Geoffrey:There's nothing like the feel of an animal beneath you to recharge your battery.

Will · Geoffrey:I know what you're talking about there, G. No, I'm afraid you don't, Master William. But I do find it rather endearing when you think you do.

Carlton · Geoffrey:You're in my thoughts. Love, Thad.

Geoffrey:Please, for carnations and a little baby's breath? Nothing.

Geoffrey:You never stopped asking from the moment I started here.

Geoffrey:I spent my first seven hours of service here installing wall-to-wall carpet for Barbie's Dream House.

Geoffrey:You know, I kind of remember him being taller.

Geoffrey:I wonder how I'd look if I shaved my entire body.

Geoffrey:Right now, they're in phase one. Chick flicks and mint Milanos.

Geoffrey:I just know that one day Thelma and Louise will make it to the other side of the canyon.

Geoffrey:It's just that I've never seen you three without your makeup before.

Geoffrey:Miss Ashley, if it hasn't worked by now...

Hilary · Geoffrey:God knows that The Hilary Show could use some publicity. There is no limit to your giving, is there, Miss Hilary? Thank you, Geoffrey, that's so sweet.

Geoffrey:It's a tie. You both lose.

Geoffrey:If you mean something fast and cheap, yes.

Geoffrey:Well, maybe they pulled in, smelled your stuffing and turned back around.

Geoffrey:And if I said I weren't, would you leave me alone?

Geoffrey:I get the pattern, Miss Hilary.

Geoffrey · Someone:I just can't seem to get this bowl to stand still. - It might help if you put down the eggnog.

Uncle Phil · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, get the Scotch. - It's gone, sir. - What? - You've said my attitude has improved lately. - How could this happen? - It's the pressure, sir.

Geoffrey:God bless us, everyone.

Geoffrey:I stand corrected.

Geoffrey:Gee, wouldn't that suck?

Geoffrey:How should I know? You expect me to keep in touch with a wuss like that?

Hilary · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, what do you know about wine? - I know no one does it better than you, Miss Hilary.

Geoffrey:I know no one does it better than you, Miss Hilary.

Geoffrey · Hilary:Wear something low-cut. - Well, duh.

Vivian · Geoffrey:That man is on thin ice. - I'll alert the fish.

Geoffrey · Phil · Vivian:Coming, Geoffrey. - Stay where you are. - Leave. - I said, stay. - Leave us alone. - Go, go, go. - Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye.

Geoffrey:I'll alert the fish.

Geoffrey:Your skirt steaks are down at the depot. They'll be here by morning.

Geoffrey:That was just a lucky guess, man.

Geoffrey:No. It just seemed the right thing to say.

Frederick · Geoffrey:I'm looking for Geoffrey. - I'm Geoffrey. - Then you must be my father.

Geoffrey:There's a church next door. If you sit through a sermon you can eat for free. Bye-bye. Ta-ta. Cheerio.

Geoffrey:It's a family name.

Geoffrey:That is, my room and half a shelf in the refrigerator.

Geoffrey:I don't even know whether he would prefer a loose or a firm pleat.

Geoffrey:Then he doesn't have to know his dad throws like a girl.

Geoffrey:None taken, Miss Hilary. I always consider the source.

Geoffrey:Ah, to be a CAB grad and wear the school colors, black and white.

Geoffrey:Master William... hurt me already.

Hilary · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, you gotta make that stew. Don't tempt me.

Geoffrey:Well, then, be a woman on the go. Leave so I can vacuum.

Geoffrey:Oh, goody. I thought I was going to run out of things to do today.

Geoffrey:Miss Hilary, it's comments like that, that makes this job worthwhile.

Geoffrey:Ah. Another pair of hands to lighten the load.

Geoffrey:Yes, but I'm still working here.

Geoffrey:Well, you shouldn't. Not because of that anyway.

Geoffrey:Perhaps that iron fist that you rule with has gotten a bit rusty, sir.

Geoffrey:Be careful of misguided anger, sir.

Hillary · Geoffrey:Geoffrey, get in here, I need you. / Oh, don't you just love it? / Love it.

Geoffrey:And to think I fished that boy out of the pool.

Geoffrey:It's the tale of the young Earl of Monroe... who wanted to build a bridge over the River Mersey. He labored for years and years and finally he was all done and quite proud of himself.

Geoffrey · Will:Well, actually, when the earl completed the bridge, he flung himself off it. / Dude killed himself? / Quite.

Will · Geoffrey:That's the advice that your father gave you? / My father was not a well man.

Geoffrey:Looks like you've painted yourself into a corner this time, Master William.

Geoffrey:Within a week, I shall be at 30,000 feet headed to London... with many tiny bottles of Jim Beam dancing in front of me.

Geoffrey:But until then... your back is mine.

Geoffrey · Phil:In lieu of my spring bonus, I think it would be a magnificent gesture... if you sent me back to London first class on the Concorde. / What would you consider an adequate gesture? / Business class with a kosher meal.

Phil · Geoffrey:What would be less than adequate? / Working here another year.

Geoffrey:The word 'duh' comes to mind.

Geoffrey:That's a question that haunts me every day.

Will · Geoffrey:Not selling the house? Yep.

Geoffrey:Yes! Ha-ha-ha! I'm sorry.

Geoffrey:I'm getting lightheaded.

Geoffrey:Just kidding.