Conflict of Interest

is he making this up as he goes along?

He's telling an American story.

I thought he was gonna do his hit.

I think he's doing his bong hit.

Larry:So my agent's fucking my booker?

Artie:Yes.

Larry:Oh, good to know.

Larry:but not a hillbilly from outer space

Paula:Granted, he's no John tesh

Larry:I love Sally, but I've seen miss struthers up here one more time this month.

Paula:Well, you know, my hooker days are over.

Stevie:Ha ha! You are the king! King Kong! Ha ha ha ha!

Stevie:Which ones? The ones who can act.

Stevie:The little guy, the hyper guy? Mm-hmm. I don't think so. He's more of a conan o'brien act. Conan won't put him on.

Peng Lee:About American soldier push big elephant out of plane. Very funny.

Peng Lee:I give it 3 fortune... 4 fortune cookie. Highest rating.

Beverly:What is it with the Chinese guy? He's on once a week and he's not funny.

Hank:I know.

Beverly:Why don't you tell Larry?

Hank:I'm not gonna tell him.

Peng Lee:Very bad for hemorrhoid.

Paula:I can't do this with Larry watching me. It gives me the creeps.

Stevie:Doing it in front of my clients turns me on. I feel my power.

Peng Lee:Yeah, but I, uh, suspect lately our pork chop dishes, they suffer. Nobody order pork chop dishes.

Larry:Oh, man, this is hilarious, don't you think? Artie? Don't you think this is hilarious? It's terrific. I'm enjoying it.

Larry:Tell her to clean around me.

Larry:Yes, sweetie, I do. I'm an addict.

Stevie:Fuck him, he doesn't know. He's the one who swore ovitz wasn't leaving.

Stevie:This whole disney thing has everybody shitting bricks, pins, and party favors.

Stevie:Of course not. I already told you I'm doing this for 5 years and then I'm getting out.

Paula:You're so deluded.

Stevie:OK. 8 years.

Stevie:That's just the kind of Hollywood bullshit that makes me want to Chuck it all and join the peace corps. Yeah? Big bad Ron, you piece of shit! How's it going? Oh, fuck you, asshole.

Larry:Letterman can send 2 guys from bangladesh around the world and we can't send one Chinese guy to the movies?

Dennis:That's a... a parody of an asian-American judge, prancing around with twinkle-toed dinner theater rejects.

Oh, and by, Dennis, by twinkle-toed, I imply nothing about their sexuality.

Larry:I had his sweet and sour chicken the other day, it was like hot pink. I think it's cough syrup. I swear to God.

Artie:José jimenez was the first hispanic in space. Kids looked up to him. Well, he didn't actually go into space. That was just an act. Well, I believed it.

Dennis:Well, then, you'll have a lot of screaming Japs picketing outside the studio. Screaming asian-americans.

Hank:I sent Brian to the bank with my atm card, but I don't know what happened to him. He probably got sucked into some kind of parade.

Hank:It cured my cold.

Phil:What, is he only taking 10% of your love?

Stevie:I want it to continue the way that it is except with more fucking.

Stevie:Oh, my God, are you pregnant?

Paula:No, but it's nice to see what your reaction would be.

Paula:Oh, I'm sure he'd be so thrilled to hear about Ed begley Jr.'s fucking electric car.

Paula:she, uh, got a really bad cold and she can't make it.

Artie:I see, a cold.

Paula:Yeah, it's pretty serious.

Paula:She was skiing in Aspen and she, uh, got a really bad cold / and she can't make it.

Artie:I see, a cold.

Paula:Yeah, it's pretty serious.

Artie:The weather's so unpredictable this time of year when there's no snow.

Andy Kindler:Well, maybe you don't recognize me 'cause I'm a comic who never gets on TV. And why? Well, basically, thanks to people like you, that's why.

Hank:My advice? Pepper spray, and don't be afraid to use it.

Stevie:Jennifer sprained her ankle.

Larry:Really? You know, according to Paula, she mentioned to Artie that Jennifer has a head cold.

Larry:OK, Hank, give him the money.

Hank:What money?

Larry:Hey, there it is.

Hank:What are you... all you had to do was ask.

Hank:Prick.

Stevie:I walk around in my Italian suit all day like I'm on top of the world, but I'm a fake! And if I stop pretending for a second, I fall apart 'cause I'm terrified! I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Larry:Tell her about the suit.

Paula:He is lame. Everybody in town thinks so. He's not funny.

Stevie:Larry is the gorilla. He's huge, talent-wise.

Hank:Larry's the king, man. King Kong!

Larry:Ha ha ha ha! What does that mean?

Hank:Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep?

Hank:Anywhere he wants to.

Larry:I don't get it.

Jennifer Aniston:Um, I'm... gosh, but I can't really think of anything I'd like to ask you at the moment. If I come up with something, I'll ask you later.

Paula:Hey, you... you didn't get back together with me just so you could get Jennifer aniston back on the show, did you?

Stevie:Of course not.