Hank's New Assistant

Your lips look a little cracked.

Larry:Of course. They misplaced the lip balm.

Hank:Excuse me. I hate to be a bother, but is there some religious reason you're not answering my phone?

Hank:What darlene does is not a job, you see? It's a calling, and I will wait for her return.

Artie:Hey, look out, me boy, I found me lucky poker hat.

Artie:Wayne's world money!

Artie:Artie wearing the Dana Carvey tape as a hat

Larry:I think he's on crack.

Larry:You're getting very wide.

Artie:I'm shoving it up.

Artie:Chinless little cocksuckers.

Artie:Well, you... you lilt.

Hank:Fuck you.

Hank:I'm tracing this call right now! Pound sand up your ass.

Hank:From the cirque du soleil. The sad clown, right?

Brian:Remember? Everybody put on their protective goggles, and let's all play double danger. Double danger.

Brian:Well, actually, I was the personal assistant to her personal assistant.

Paula:She made him clean the hair out of her tub.

Brian:Oh, our nation's capital.

Hank:Canada.

Hank:I know!

Hank:Canada.

Artie:Don't speak to Larry unless he speaks to you.

Fat lips.

Paula:I've earned the right to leave the room.

Hank:Hard-on cream? No, I forgot it.

Hank:I could never talk this way around darlene. She'd just get all insulted.

Hank:I'll be in my office whacking off.

Brian:Okay. Uh, I'll hold all your calls.

Brian:The Chinese call it a feng shui, the placement of objects in a room to maximize your harmony and power.

Has she lost any weight?

Paula:No!

Brian:You know, the toughest people are the ones who can cry.

Hank:I'm tough.

Brian:Hey, life, take your best shot, 'cause to Mr. Hank Kingsley, life is a carousel, and the sun is a scoop of ice cream.

Hank:Are you gay?

Brian:Yeah, but that was two years ago, and I got over it.

Larry:It's Steve. Steve. God damn it!

Larry:Well, that's 'cause it's 50 cents now. It just went up a couple years ago. You wouldn't have known that.

Larry:He's gay? Well, don't tell Dana carvey, 'cause you know what? He'll do an impression of him.

Larry:A gay? What are you? Italian?

Artie:Maybe this will be your first chance to fuck your assistant.

Hank:There was not one indication on that resume that he was gay. Not... not... not one.

Artie:Barbara streisand. Aw. Aw, shit.

Hank:Yes, I asked for lanolin. I asked for lanolin. Darlene was with me for six years. She never did this.

Brian:Hank, you asked for aloe vera.

Brian:So this has nothing to do with me being gay, does it?

Hank:I wore a red ribbon to the emmys. I have been to several elton John concerts.

Larry:I mean, look at my ass. I'm touching my ass.

Dana:You said versace, and you touched yourself.

Larry:I touched myself on the leg.

Dana:Why does yourself have to mean penis?

Dana:People say I flip-flop, and I don't. But then again, I do.

Dana:Why should I be mad? I have many arrows in my comedic arsenal, Larry. Let's put the Larry Sanders arrow back in the sheath and pull out the Jimmy Stewart arrow. Bing. Bull's-eye!

Artie:I'd take that little Dana carvey and I'd dry-shave him with a flicker.

Hank:I am, but where else am I going to find a personal assistant who'll tell me when Larry is hurt?

Hank:Doug llewelyn's a faggot. Sorry.

Brian:I worked on a Cruise ship for eight years. I did nothing but play poker. I am going to kick their asses.

Larry:Well, I got a boner.

Artie:Whoa, we're all in trouble.