The Book

Larry:I looked like a lesbian art teacher from hartford, connecticut, I'm not a lesbian. I can't even do improv.

Artie:You betcha. You're fucking fascinating.

Artie:Writing a book is something you save for just right before you die when all you got to do is watch the Sunset.

Artie:Well, now, how the Christ would I know?

Stevie:Fucking fergie. She wants to do a talk show. I think she might fuck me, too.

Larry:Fuck you. Fuck you, stevie.

Larry:Leading with my ass?

Beverly:On my desk!

Phil:Hey, who'd you fuck to get those?

Phil:He's the kind of guy that would find a way to stamp his name on all the petals.

Phil:His life and times, who he got to fuck. You know, the usual Hollywood bullshit tell-all.

Artie:The time you slipped and chipped your tooth on the urinal?

Hank:I masturbated before the show, and you caught me.

Artie:I suggest you lock the door.

Dana:Once.

Larry:Wasn't it more in the area of 20 or something like that?

Dana:you had sex with my body pillow.

Dana:you couldn't get it up.

Dana:Oh, I think vitamin's "l-n," Larry.

Beverly:I gotta start takin' those gingko tablets.

James:Wouldn't it be funny if you wrote a sketch for Larry where he plays Burt Reynolds going on one of those dating game type of shows? And all the contestants look like loni Anderson, right?

Artie:I said to Jack lord, 'do you have hemorrhoids? ' He said, 'no.'I said... 'at last, I've met a perfect asshole.'

Larry:What has happened to the world that nowadays anybody can write a book? Anybody. Anybody.

Artie:What a fucking ego.

Artie:That should be the title of your book.

Larry:That's why I kissed Marla gibbs in the, uh, press room.

Phil:Don't boxers abstain from any type of sexual activity before a big fight?

Hank:Yes, because they are pussies.

Hank:a little sexual stimulation before the show relaxes and centers me.

Larry:It's not interesting, it's fucking pathetic. It's about nothing but fucking greed and lust and self-loathing and anger. And let me tell you somethin'. That is not what I'm like!

Artie:Just grab him, tackle him, whatever, and then hit the fire alarm, OK?

Artie:The freshwater eel has your name on it.

Beverly:you could take those... those chocolates and those shells and you shove 'em where the sun don't shine. Oh, and you take the flowers, too.

Beverly:when a gay man is the only one writing you poetry, it makes you feel like a real charity case.

Mary Lou:What a cunt.

Larry:Go fuck yourself.

Dr. Joyce Brothers:You don't have a large ass.

Larry:I had trouble gettin' the noose off the, uh, chandelier.

Larry:Oh, fuck.