The Roast

Artie:I thought I smelled a publicity man on the premises.

Artie:I remember the night they did Totie Fields. I think I heard every one-legged joke there ever was that night.

Hank:Oh, my God, girl, if you're going to a roast, I gotta take you shopping, teach you how to dress.

Hank:I believe technically it's called roast mastering

Hank:Come on! That whole stand-up thing is a... it's just over. I mean, 'have you noticed this,' and 'have you noticed that?'

Hank:Hillary Clinton may be Bill Clinton's first lady, but she is not his first lay.

Hank:See? I notice stuff, too. I just don't write it down and go to some moth-eaten nightclub and repeat it.

Artie:Get off the stage, ya fucking moron! I've taken shits more interesting than you are! You're nothin' but Larry Sanders' personal fuck-bitch!

Hank:Good comeback.

Dana:You mean after his other best friend, Jeffrey Dahmer?

Dana:Jeffrey Dahmer is dead. He's unavailable. I know. That's the joke.

Norman:What are you, in P.R?

Bill Maher:I'm as free Saturday night as he is next month.

Phil:all you gotta do is come back with a dick-related insult. That's it.

Hank:what if the heckler's a woman?

Phil:Well, same thing. You talk about her dick. Makes 'em crazy.

Phil:I don't come down to your job and knock the dick outta your mouth while you're trying to work.

Phil:you can blow me like everyone else on table. At your table.

Larry:Wait a minute. He told me he was going on vacation. Why do they have to lie that way?

Stevie:Dennis Miller passed. He's very sick. He's in the hospital. Christ! It's like he wants to be caught.

Artie:Very simply, he's the guy we had to take to get Jerry fucking Seinfeld.

Hank:Is mosquito right? Shouldn't it be hung like a bee?

Carl Reiner:For 'the 2,000-year-old man.' We know that was my idea. Your idea was to tell Mel not to do it with a Jewish accent.

Hank:Get me a damp cloth and a cyanide tablet.

Dana Carvey (as George Bush):Sorry I couldn't make it to your roast, Lar, but I'm bone-fishin' with Barb. Get it? Bone? Barb? Fishin'?

Dana Carvey:Tell Hank to shut the fuck up.

shave my head with a cheese grater... get a barium enema, and check Dom DeLuise's ball sack for lumps.

tell Hank that Ed said to shut the fuck up.

Dana Carvey:I just wanna say to Bruno Kirby, you owe me 250 bucks, you little prick. Where is he? Oh, there he is. OK.

Carl Reiner:The great thing about Larry Sanders is that he never exploited the fact that he was a homosexual. He was gay, he was proud, but he didn't shove it down anybody's throat.

Most of it hit you when he tripped over the microphone cord.

Carl Reiner:oh, Christ, I'm not wastin' this on chicks!

He's doing his act. He's killing.

Carl Reiner:luckily, the camera loves me.

Artie:The bastard cancelled an hour ago.

Kip Addotta:Like today... we put salt on our asses... and we drove out to that petting zoo.

Larry:Well, then I owe Carrot Top a big apology for last year, don't I? Remember when I said he would suck a cock doing a sack race?

and Tom Arnold's asshole was booked, so...

Carl Reiner:That's the kind of quick wit and jest that keeps you on Larry's couch.

Norm Crosby:you are absolutely adequate.

Norm Crosby:When I first met Larry Sanders, he was screwing my cousin. And I didn't even know that he knew Harvey.

Norm Crosby:When I first met Larry Sanders, he was screwing my cousin. And I didn't even know that he knew Harvey.

Norm Crosby:He's on that new Hollywood agent diet. You can only eat while you're being eaten.

Norm Crosby:You just... never seem to be able to get 'em at home.

President Clinton:I'd rather have Al Gore fuck me in the ass.

Bruno Kirby:What the fuck am I doing here? I'm an actor. We do 2 different things. Comedians jerk off. I work.

Bruno:And I don't owe you $250, pal. You owe me $250.

Larry:The key lime pie is delicious.

Artie:This is the worst fucking night of my life.

Larry:And that was chocolate cake.

Larry:This is the worst fucking night of my life. And that was chocolate cake.

Jon Stewart:as opposed to Larry who's just old.

Jon Stewart:hey, why don't you speak up? Only the people at your table know you're an asshole.

Hank:I don't come to your job and knock the dick out of your ass.

Artie:You'll either behave yourself, or I'm gonna snap your neck like a butter bean.

Carrot Top:It's a plate for bulimics. See, they can eat...

Larry:everyone I love is here tonight, and, um... what an honor.