Putting the "Gay" Back in Litigation

Phil:Yeah, I was up till 4:00 in the morning fucking my brains out.

Beverly:Eww! Nobody wants to hear that, phil.

Brian:I do.

Phil:What is it, some gay holiday? Gay groundhog day?

Phil:You know, on my way into work I figured out what the faggiest car you could drive is. A rose parade float.

Brian:I drive a saturn.

Phil:I stand corrected.

Brian:Uh, shouldn't you be working on the monologue, Phil?

Phil:This is the monologue.

Phil:You know how you can tell you're gay? It's when you lean over and you see 4 balls.

Phil:Gay people makes really dramatic exits... A walk to the door... A graceful pivot... One last look of contempt... And slam!

Brian:You're a real jerk.

Phil:Nice slam!

Ed Begley Jr.:You're a funny man and a great environmentalist, which explains why you're always recycling jokes.

Ed Begley Jr.:Now, Hank, if this runs, am I gonna get paid?

Paula:But lucky for you, one of bobby berosini's chimps fell off his bike, so you can have 5 minutes Friday night.

Illeana:I mean, not the place where he hit his head and died and everything. It was, actually, another place.

Larry:She's a good guest, right?

Artie:Absolutely.

Larry:Really?

Artie:Absolutely.

Artie:Please, don't ask me again.

Larry:She's a good guest, right?

Artie:Well, there's no dead spots, that's for sure.

Sweetie, the last show is packed fuller than Barishnikov's tights.

Brian:On august fourth I said I didn't eat meat, and phil said, 'Does that mean your boyfriend has a tofu cock?'

Phil:I hate going to hawaii because I can't tell the native hawaiians from the homosexuals, because they're both wearing the same shirts.

Phil:I tried to do windsurfing, and accidentally got a blow job.

Brian:It doesn't even make sense. / What gay guys wear Hawaiian shirts?

Beverly:Have you been on santa monica boulevard in the last 10 years? / I take sunset.

Hank:So, show your tits.

Drew Barrymore:What?

Hank:Well, you know, like you did on-- on Letterman.

Drew Barrymore:What the fuck are you talking about?

Director:Cut. Cut. Cut.

Hank:I thought that was, like, your shtick, you know. Like I do 'hey now.'

Hank:Do you want to show a little, uh-- No? A little tuckus?

Larry:You haven't thought about it? It's comin' up in a couple days.

Illeana:I know. I thought I'd just wing it.

Larry:Wing it?

Larry:You're gonna be great. You're always great when you wing it.

Hank:Oh, yeah, I hear he's gay!

Artie:Fuck you.

Artie:It's thicker than Heidi fleiss' phone book.

Artie:Well, I suggest you try to get to the good jokes without going through Brian's ass.

Phil:[Straining] We are great.

Phil:We are great.

Brian:Phil, do you like my outfit?

Phil:Yes, I do.

Brian:Isn't it fetching?

Phil:Yeah, that's-- that's not the word I'm looking for.

Phil:What, did you get that at the freddy mercury estate sale?

Brian:And when I say 'straight,' I mean guys. And when I say 'come,' I mean on my face.

Beverly:I wish my ass looked like that.

Phil:I think my dog is gay because his penis tastes bitter.

Phil:That's my joke.

Phil:He's a fucking asshole.

Artie:Absolutely.

Phil:Did you see what he was wearing? This is entrapment!

Artie:You know who runs this town?

Phil:The jews.

Artie:No. The gay jews.

Hank:It just didn't feel...sincere.

Hank:I would just-- I would make it bigger.

Bruno Kirby:Bruno kirby doesn't take direction from some talk show sidekick.

Hank:Now you've got something. Bring that--

Bruno Kirby:I was in the godfather, for god's sake.

Bruno Kirby:And Bruno Kirby doesn't take direction from some talk show sidekick.

Hank:Oh, well, see I only-- I only saw the third one, the good one.

Hank:Oh, well, see I only-- I only saw the third one, the good one.

Illeana:Cockaponset.

Larry:Pardon me?

Illeana:What?

Larry:What was cockaponset?

Illeana:The name of the forest.

Larry:Oh, that's hilarious.

Illeana:And I said, 'hey, I need a psychic for that?'

Larry:Wow! A little clear-air turbulence right there.

Larry:How can it take 17 minutes to read a TV guide?

Beverly:Wow. Larry's monologue really sucks tonight.

Brian:Oh, I'm sorry.

Beverly:No problem.

Artie:Hitting new levels of self-loathing, Larry.

Larry:Cheers, motherfucker.

Larry:I actually don't know if anyone is still watching.

Beverly:Well, I was born black.

Brian:What? What does that mean?

Beverly:Well, you chose to be gay.

Brian:Shame about your monologue.

Larry:Guess what. I just put a lawyer on retainer.

Larry:Five fucking grand for one phone call.

Brian:Thank you.

Brian:I wore that outfit just to provoke you.

Brian:You know that i, um-- I just bought it that morning.

Larry:Cape fear is the nickname for me in the bedroom. It's a superhero I play. I come out in a cape and have fear written all over one specific part... of my body.

Larry:Cape Fear is the nickname for me in the bedroom. It's a superhero I play. I come out in a cape and have fear written all over one specific part... of my body.

Phil:And I'm gonna be blackballed by the gay jews.

Larry:Was there an all-girls school there, by any chance?

Illeana:Actually, it was right near beaver meadow.

Illeana:I think it's more important to you whether or not I'm a good guest on your show.

Larry:I'm a fuckin' talk show host, ok? I'm all fucked up.

Illeana:I paused at the beaver meadow thing. The beaver meadow thing killed. Like you told me. And then I-- I did the cannon joke. The cannon joke? Did you hear the audience?

Illeana:I paused at the beaver meadow thing.

Illeana:The beaver meadow thing killed.

Illeana:Like you told me.

Artie:Looks like they settled out of court.

Artie:Oh, by the way, Drew Barrymore's lawyer just called me.

Larry:What's that about?

Larry:Oh, by the way, Drew Barrymore's lawyer just called me.

Artie:What's that about?