Booze Cruise

Jim:Wow, Dwight, you found a vending machine that sells office supplies? That's amazing.

Jim:And look at that price on the stapler — what a great deal!

Dwight:You're in on it with the vending machine operator, aren't you? I've seen you two talking.

Jim:His name is Gary.

Jim:Your wallet's in the vending machine.

Dwight:What? Where?

Jim:C-7.

Jim:I'll help you buy back your wallet.

Dwight:Finally, someone with sense.

Jim:That'll be fifty dollars.

Dwight:Fifty dollars?! For my own wallet?

Jim:Yep. You got cash?

Dwight:I have... nickels.

Jim:Then start counting.

Dwight:One nickel, two nickels, three nickels, four nickels, five nickels...

Michael:I need everyone to bring me a toothbrush, a flashlight, and a bag of frozen peas by tomorrow morning.

Jim:Okay, so Michael's either planning a heist or he's having some weird medical procedure.

Jim:If it's a heist, the toothbrush is obviously to pick the lock, the flashlight is to see in the dark, and the frozen peas... I don't know, maybe he's going to hit someone with them?

Jim:But then I realized - he's just out of toothpaste.

Stanley:Michael, I need you to tell me straight - what is this event actually about?

Michael:Okay, okay. Michael, Michael, bo-bachael, banana-fana fo-fachael, fee-fi-mo-machael... Michael!

Michael:Stanley.

Stanley:Michael, I need to know when this party is happening. I have to plan my day.

Michael:Stanley, no. You're not getting that information out of me. That would spoil the surprise.

Stanley:It's not a surprise if I'm the one being surprised at my own party. I just need the time.

Michael:That's exactly what someone who wants to spoil the surprise would say.

Employee:Why would you plan a lake cruise in winter?

Michael:Because that's when they have the big sale.

Michael:Ryan, I'm going to give you an education that's going to change your life.

Ryan:I'm in business school.

Michael:Not like this, you're not.

Michael:Look, what happened was a simple misunderstanding. A miscommunication, really.

Employee:You told me to invest my entire savings in that 'sure thing.'

Michael:I said it was a *good* opportunity, not a *guaranteed* opportunity. There's a difference.

Employee:I lost $30,000.

Michael:And that's terrible, truly. But I'm not a financial advisor. You made your own choice.

Employee:YOU made the choice for me!

Michael:Okay, well, I'm going to have to stop you right there. This is getting very negative, and I don't think it's a productive conversation. I have a lunch meeting.

Michael:I'm a certified motivational speaker. I went to the seminar and everything.

Michael:Well, I went to the preview. The actual seminar was the next weekend, but the preview was really good.

Michael:You know what? The word 'business' comes from the Old English 'busy-ness,' meaning the state of being busy. That's why successful businesspeople are always busy. It's literally in the name.

Jim:Yeah, Michael took that 'life is a bowling alley' thing pretty literally. We all went bowling.

Michael:You know, running a business is like being the captain of a ship. You've got to keep your crew in line, navigate through rough waters, stay the course.

Jim:Michael, that ship analogy is from like the 1800s.

Michael:So? Good leadership is timeless.

Jim:You're using it to explain how to use the new cloud-based software.

Michael:You know, like the most famous movie ever made. Titanic.

Employee 1:Titanic? I don't think I've heard of that one.

Employee 2:Yeah, what about Das Boot? Now that's a classic submarine film.

Employee 3:I've never even heard of Titanic, but Das Boot is incredible.

Jim:Michael's going to come in here in about five seconds, realize he has no idea what's going on, and try to turn it into a joke about that.

Jim:I'm willing to bet fifty bucks on it.

Michael:Hey guys, what's going on? Why is everyone looking at me like that?

Jim:That'll be fifty dollars, please.

Employee:That's not how the Titanic sank. The iceberg hit the side.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Spoiler alert!

Michael:You know, there's something really honest about manual labor. These guys, they work with their hands, they don't worry about politics or... or ethnic songs or whatever.

Jim:Ethnic songs?

Michael:You know what I mean. The songs they sing while they work.

Michael:I did not say that.

Michael:And even if I did say that, I didn't mean it in the way you're taking it.

Michael:You know what, I'm not even sure what we're talking about right now.

Dwight:Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship.

Michael:Okay, I've assigned everyone their Gilligan's Island roles. Jim, you're the Professor because you're smart. Pam, you're Mary Ann because you're... wholesome. Dwight, you're obviously the Skipper. Ryan, you're Gilligan.

Ryan:Why am I Gilligan?

Michael:Because Gilligan always screws everything up, and you... you're just starting out.

Dwight:What about me? Why am I the Skipper?

Michael:Because you follow orders and you take everything very seriously.

Jim:And what about you, Michael? Who are you?

Michael:I'm Mr. Howell. The millionaire. The guy in charge.

Michael:Okay, Dwight, you're going to be the regional manager for the day.

Dwight:Yes! Finally! This is the best day of my life!

Michael:Actually, you know what? I changed my mind. Never mind.

Dwight:What?! No! Michael, you can't do this to me! I was ready to lead! This is a betrayal of the highest order!

Michael:I'm the captain now. And as captain, I declare this boat to be... nebul-ose.

Michael:I would never do that.

Captain Jack:I have an announcement to make. I am now both the captain and the jack.

Michael:Well, I have an announcement too. I'm now the regional manager AND the assistant regional manager. Actually, I'm the assistant TO the regional manager. Wait, no, I'm the regional manager AND the manager. I'm basically two people now.

Captain Jack:That doesn't make any sense.

Michael:Neither does yours.

Michael:You guys, I'm cool, right? I'm like, one of you. I get it. I understand the youths.

Jim:Michael, you're our boss.

Michael:Yeah, but I'm a cool boss. I'm hip. I'm with it. Hey, what's that thing you kids like? Snapchat? I'm on Snapchat.

Pam:You're not on Snapchat.

Michael:Well, not yet. But I will be. And when I am, watch out world, because Michael Scott is about to blow up.

Dwight:That's a terroristic threat.

Michael:No, no, no. I'm saying I'm going to be huge. Huge and cool.

Roy:Yeah, she was a total nerd in high school. I mean, she wasn't even that hot back then.

Michael:Bishop O'Hara? More like Bishop O'HAIRY!

Michael:Gimme an M! Gimme an I! Gimme a C! Gimme an H! Gimme an A! Gimme an E! Gimme an L! What's that spell? Michael! What's that spell? Michael! Who's gonna win? Michael! Michael scored 47 points in the championship game!

Michael:Welcome to Dunder Mifflin! Hey, how about those Yankees, am I right? Fuggedaboutit!

Michael:You know, I've been to New York. Once. Very scary place. All those... people.

Michael:But you seem normal. For a New Yorker.

Michael:Okay everyone, I have a very important presentation that I need to—

Captain Jack:Nope. Party time.

Michael:You know what? Yeah, let's party.

Captain Jack:I need help with the limbo stick.

Dwight:I'll do it. I'm the strongest one here. Plus, I have superior flexibility and core strength. This is a job for a man.

Dwight:When I was a boy, my father took me up in his Cessna. I was only six years old. He let me take the controls for a few minutes. I was a natural.

Dwight:By the time I was eight, I was flying solo. By ten, I had my pilot's license. By twelve, I owned my own airfield.

Dwight:By fourteen, I was a commercial pilot. By sixteen, I bought my first jet. By eighteen, I was flying for the Air Force.

Dwight:By twenty, I was a test pilot. By twenty-five, I had flown over two hundred successful missions.

Michael:You know, dancing is like a conversation between two people, except there's no words, and there's rhythm involved.

Michael:It's basically the same thing I do in the conference room every day, except people actually want to watch this.

Michael:I'm not just the boss of paper, I'm the boss of dancing.

Pam:Dwight, come inside.

Dwight:I can't. I'm driving.

Pam:You're parked.

Dwight:Pam, I have my hands on the wheel, my eyes on the road. I am committed to the responsibilities of operating this vehicle. Now please, close the door quietly. You'll startle me and cause an accident.

Pam:No, I'm not doing a body shot.

Ryan:Come on, Pam! Everyone's doing it!

Pam:I said no. I'm going to get some air.

Kevin:Her loss! Who's next?

Jim:Hey, can we talk for a second? Alone?

Pam:Um, actually Darryl's about to open a beer in the break room and I really want to see how he does it.

Jim:...what?

Pam:He's been practicing a new technique. I can't miss this.

Jim:Yeah, I'm not really a fan of Roy.

Jim:So, uh, how's Roy doing?

Jim:I mean, I don't really care, but... Pam's probably worried about him, right?

Michael:If you're asking yourself 'Am I willing to poison the water supply to save my company?' the answer should always be yes.

Captain Jack:That's not how nautical terminology works.

Michael:Well, you know what? I don't need a lecture from someone who spends all day on a boat.

Michael Scott:Oh wow, so you're like a real military guy. That's... that's great. I was in the Boy Scouts for like three weeks in fourth grade before I got asked to leave. But I'm pretty sure we basically did the same things.

Ryan:I want to be the youngest partner at a major firm by 30.

Michael:That's great, Ryan. You know what? I'm gonna help you with that. I'm gonna call some people.

Ryan:Really?

Michael:Yeah. But first, you gotta get engaged. That's what they look for.

Jim:Well, I'd say we'd need to look at market conditions, reassess our core competencies, and pivot our strategy accordingly.

Ryan:Wow, that's some serious brown-nosing right there.

Michael:So I guess what I'm trying to say is... Pam, you are the most talented person in this office, and I just wanted everyone to know that.

Pam:Thank you, Michael.

Michael:Also, you're very beautiful, and I think you should know that.

Roy:Pam, I... I've been thinking about this for a long time.

Pam:Roy, what are you—

Roy:Just let me finish. Will you marry me?

Pam:Oh my God, Roy, are you serious right now? You're doing this here? At the warehouse?

Roy:Why not? I got the ring from that guy in the parking lot.

Pam:You got it from a GUY IN THE PARKING LOT?!

Michael:I'm not going to take credit for this, but I basically made this happen. I created the environment. I'm like the Cupid of this office. This is all me.

Roy:I have to thank Captain Jack for all his help.

Michael:Well, actually, I was also involved.

Roy:No, it was just Captain Jack.

Michael:Right, but I mean, I was there too. I was in the room. That's basically the same thing.

Michael:I can perform the ceremony. I'm a minister.

Other Character:You're not a minister.

Michael:Not with that attitude.

Michael:Pam, I want you to be a bridesmaid in my wedding.

Pam:Oh, Michael, that's really sweet, but I can't. I'm already a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding that same weekend.

Michael:Okay, okay, I understand. But you could still come to my bachelor party, right? We're going to Sandals Jamaica.

Pam:Michael, no. Absolutely not.

Karen:So, do you see us getting married someday?

Jim:No.

Karen:We're done.

Jim:Hey Michael, if you're feeling seasick, try looking at the horizon. It really helps.

Michael:Oh, yeah? Well, your horizon sucks. And you suck. So there.

Jim:What medication are you on?

Michael:Vomitcillin.

Michael:We are on a sinking ship! We are in a state of emergency! This is a disaster! A disaster on the high seas!

Michael:Okay, so the ship is sinking, right? And everyone's panicking. The captain's trying to maintain order, but nobody's listening to him. So I push him overboard.

Michael:Problem solved. Now I'm in charge.

Michael:You know, for a boat that's supposed to be all about business, this Wi-Fi is terrible.

Michael:Well, that's just great. That person jumped overboard during my presentation. Do you know what that means? They missed my entire motivational message. That's on them.

Jim:Michael, how did you get stuck in here?

Michael:It's not my fault. The captain has authority issues.

Jim:Michael, you are the captain.

Michael:Exactly. I have authority issues.

Michael:That's great news about Pam's engagement. You must be so happy for Jim.

Jim:I am Jim.

Michael:I know, I mean—

Jim:And we've been engaged for like three years.

Jim:I'm in love with Pam.

Michael:Wait, Pam? Our Pam? From reception? I had no idea! How long has this been going on?

Michael:I have some information that I'm not supposed to share, but I'm going to anyway because it's just too good.

Jim:Yeah, we all know.

Michael:Jim, you gotta go for it. Life's short, man. You never know when you're gonna die.

Michael:Just tell her how you feel. Rip off the band-aid. Be brave.

Michael:What's the worst that could happen? She says no? Big deal. You move on.

Michael:But if you don't say anything, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Is that what you want?

Michael:Because I'm telling you right now, as your friend and your boss, you need to tell her today.

Dwight:Don't worry, Michael. I've got nerves of steel. I can handle this vehicle with precision and control.

Michael:That's what I like to hear, Dwight.

Captain Jack:Uh, Dwight? You've been steering with a decorative wheel this whole time.

Dwight:What? That's impossible. I can feel every turn, every—

Captain Jack:It's not connected to anything.