Since Dwight's departure, Andy had been clinging to Michael. Andy's antics had been wearing very thin on his co-workers. In fact, Andy left Jim actually wishing Dwight would come back.
Cringe comedy carries a middling 78.9 score on character humor alone.
Directed by Greg Daniels · Written by Gene Stupnitsky, Michael Schur, Lee Eisenberg
WAR
34.9
Wins Above Replacement
“The Return” ranks #89 of 186 The Office episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 78.9 — Elite. The episode packs 55 scored jokes at 3.0 per minute, averaging 6.7 on craft and 6.6 on impact, with Jim landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Andy: I'm sorry about that sales call. I really Schruted it.
Michael: Wait, what does that mean?
Andy: You know, Schruted it. It's office slang. For when you mess something up really badly.
Michael: I've never heard that before.
Andy: Yeah, well, it's pretty common around here.
Michael: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.
Michael Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Dwight: My life goal was literally to die at my desk. Now that's shattered by leaving.
Dwight Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Andy: Dwight, what were you doing at corporate?
Dwight: I was presenting my new business idea.
Andy: What business idea?
Dwight: Beeswax Not Yours, Inc.
Andy: Beeswax... not yours? Dwight, that's not even a real business.
Dwight: It is a real business. I sell beeswax products, and it's none of your business.
Andy Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: You need to think long and hard about what you're doing.
Dwight: That's what she said.
Michael: No. No, you can't do that. That's my thing.
All Jokes — 55 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Michael: Okay, Jim, I'd like you to meet my new computer persona. Computer, say hello to Jim.
Michael (as Computer): Hello, Jim. You're a terrible salesman and your hair looks like a bird's nest.
Jim: What? Michael, what is this?
Michael: I told you, it's my computer persona. He's very honest.
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Michael: I don't know what's wrong with this computer. The voice won't stop!
Jim: You're literally typing right now.
Michael: Pam, can you come in here for a second?
Pam: Yeah, what's up?
Michael: I just want to say... you look very nice today.
Computer Voice: That's what she said.
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Michael: It's been a long time since we've seen each other.
Pam: Long Tim? Is he coming to the office?
Michael: No, Pam, 'long time' — it means it's been a while.
Pam: Oh. I thought you were talking about someone named Long Tim.
Pam: Yeah, and Long Tim is really upset about the new parking situation.
Jim: Long Tim? He's been complaining about that all week. I heard he's thinking about transferring departments.
Pam: Right? I mean, Long Tim has been here for years. You'd think they'd consider his opinion.
Jim: Exactly. Long Tim deserves better than this.
Pam Jim Callback Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: That's what she said! No, wait, that doesn't work here. Look, the point is, I'm the Regional Manager of this... this... o-FEESH. O-FEESH! You all work in my o-FEESH and you will respect me!
Michael Irony/Sarcasm Cringe/Discomfort Michael Cringe/Discomfort Physical/Slapstick Angela: Kevin, I can't find the Q3 tax forms anywhere. They're just gone.
Kevin: Is that bad?
Angela: Is that bad? Kevin, yes, that's bad. That's very bad. We need those forms.
Kevin: Oh. I thought maybe you were just being dramatic.
Angela: No, Kevin. This is not dramatic. This is a crisis.
Jim: So the Stamford branch is closing, and everyone's transferring here. It's like we're all going through Willy Wonka's factory, except instead of finding golden tickets, we're just trying not to fall in the chocolate river.
Jim Observational Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Andy: Dwight, you're late again. I guess you could say you need some tardy sauce with that.
Michael: I don't get it.
Andy: Tardy sauce. Like tartar sauce. Because you're tardy.
Andy Wordplay/Pun Cringe/Discomfort Andy: I pick Michael as my sales partner.
Michael: Really? That's great!
Andy: Yeah, and I'm giving you a fake doctorate in sales. You can put it on your wall.
Michael: A doctorate? In sales?
Andy: Dr. Michael Scott. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Andy Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Michael: Phyllis, our resident senior.
Phyllis: We're the same age.
Phyllis Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Michael: Stanley, you need to pick a partner.
Stanley: I pass.
Michael: You can't pass, Stanley. Everyone has to pick.
Stanley: Fine. Ryan.
Ryan: Really?
Stanley: Don't get excited about it.
Ryan: He didn't want to pick anyone. I was his second choice. Which is... I mean, that's not great.
Ryan Observational Deadpan/Understatement Callback Jim: I know what you're thinking. 'How did I end up here?' But I can't tell you. I can't change anything. I'm basically a time traveler who knows exactly how this ends, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Jim Observational Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Dwight: That's a fine motor carriage you have there.
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist Michael: Okay, so I'm dividing everyone up into Amazing Race teams. Ryan and Kelly, you guys are the young couple. Pam and Jim, you're the boyfriend-girlfriend team. Dwight and Angela, you're the old married couple.
Michael: And me and Andy? We're the heroes.
Michael Observational Character Comedy Phyllis: Why is it called the Amazing Race? I mean, what's so amazing about it?
Michael: Well, because it's... amazing. And there's a race. So Amazing Race.
Phyllis: But what makes it amazing?
Michael: The amazingness of it, Phyllis. God.
Dwight: Why are you sitting in the back seat?
Jim: Well, statistically, you're more likely to die in a head-on collision than a rear-end collision. So I'm just trying to maximize my survival odds.
Dwight: That's not how that works.
Jim: Isn't it though?
Jim Observational Deadpan/Understatement Jim: My strategy for taking down Dwight is simple: I grind people down. I grind them down until they break. It works in the office, it works in romantic relationships, it works everywhere.
Jim Observational Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jim: Wow, that was a long story.
Jim Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Jim: I can fold clothes better than Dwight. I have experience folding clothes at Abercrombie & Fitch.
Jim Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Jim: Dwight, we're here for the sales call.
Dwight: A beauty salon? Jim, this is clearly a waste of our time. We're salesmen, not... aestheticians.
Jim: Dwight, they use paper. That's our product.
Dwight: Oh. Well, that changes things. Dunder Mifflin paper is superior for all salon applications.
Dwight Observational Character Comedy Jim: Can I take the lead on the sales call?
Dwight: Yes. Of course. I am a team player. I will sit back and let you do all the talking. I will be silent. Watch me not speak.
Jim: Great.
Dwight: Not a word will come out of my mouth. I am like a statue. A silent, watchful statue.
Dwight Character Comedy Escalation Pam: What?
Roy: What do you mean 'what'?
Pam: What do you mean 'what do you mean what'?
Roy: Why do you keep saying 'what'?
Jim: We're like Super Friends. You know, we all have different powers.
Jim: Pam's like the invisible jet, Dwight's like super strength, I'm like super speed...
Jim: Stanley's superpower is arriving late. Which makes us Super Dud.
Jim Observational Wordplay/Pun Jim: It's like we're the Super Friends, you know? We all have our powers. Pam's got her receptionist superpowers, Ryan's got his... temporary intern powers, and I'm just here being Hawkman.
Jim Observational Deadpan/Understatement Jim: I don't give up easily. I've 'walked' two marathons instead of ran them.
Jim Observational Deadpan/Understatement Dwight: I don't let people walk behind me. It's a power move.
Jim: So there's still a 30% chance you'll attack from the front?
Andy: So I was out fishing last weekend, caught this massive largemouth bass.
Andy: Actually, you know what? I caught two massive largemouth bass. Back to back.
Andy: And then a pike. A really angry pike.
Andy: I didn't even use a rod. I used my bare hands.
Andy: Then I waded out into the ocean, and I sniped a shark. With a rifle. From like, a hundred yards away.
Andy Character Comedy Escalation Michael: We're a small company. Very small. Basically a startup.
Andy: Actually, we're on the stock exchange.
Andy: The New York Stock Exchange. It's in New York.
Andy Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Andy: Your sales skills are incredible, Michael. It's like you could sell paper to trees.
Michael: That's... that doesn't make any sense.
Andy: I know, right? That's how good you are.
Michael: No, I mean trees don't buy paper. They ARE paper.
Andy: That guy was lame-dash-o.
Andy Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Angela: I have a friend named Noelle and her boyfriend Kurt. Noelle is very organized and keeps a very tight ship. Kurt is very traditional and hardworking. Well, one day Noelle found out that Kurt had been sneaking around behind her back.
Angela: And you know what the worst part was? It wasn't the betrayal. It was that he did it with someone so beneath him. Someone so... common.
Angela Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Andy: I'm sorry about that sales call. I really Schruted it.
Michael: Wait, what does that mean?
Andy: You know, Schruted it. It's office slang. For when you mess something up really badly.
Michael: I've never heard that before.
Andy: Yeah, well, it's pretty common around here.
Andy: So 'Schruted it' comes from... well, nobody really knows. Some say it's from an old German word, 'schruten,' meaning to mess something up. Others think it's onomatopoeia—the sound failure makes. But honestly, does the etymology really matter? What matters is that we all understand what it means when someone says they Schruted it. And isn't that what language is really about?
Andy Callback Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Ryan: Um... so... I... uh... well, you see, the thing is... um...
Stanley: Are you going to sell something or...
Ryan: Yes! No, I mean... I was just... there's this... um... product and it's... it's really...
Ryan Awkward Silence Cringe/Discomfort Stanley: Ryan, I've seen a six-month-old baby with better sales skills than that.
Stanley: At least the baby has an excuse for not being able to talk.
Stanley Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Callback Jim: Hi, I'm calling to speak with someone about your customer service.
Kelly: Oh my God, Jim! Hi! How are you? I haven't talked to you in forever! What's going on? Are you still with Pam? You guys are so cute together.
Jim: Yeah, we're good. But I'm actually calling as a potential customer—
Kelly: That's so great! So what do you need? Because I can totally help you. Do you want to hear about our new paper lines? They're amazing. Oh, and did you hear that Ryan got promoted? Again. I know, right?
Jim: I promise you dedicated customer service. I will be available 24/7. I'll skip lunch. I'll skip dinner. I'll skip sleep. I'll skip my son's birthday. I'll skip my daughter's recital. I'll skip Thanksgiving. I'll skip Christmas. I'll skip my own funeral.
Jim Character Comedy Escalation Kelly: You're like, so nice. I don't know how you do it.
Karen: Thanks, Kelly. I just try to be kind to everyone.
Kelly: That's so cool. Oh, by the way, Jim was like, totally hung up on Pam for the longest time.
Karen: What?
Kelly Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Jim: So... Kelly got a makeover?
Jim: Yeah, I'd pay for that too if someone told me I needed one.
Jim Reaction Beat Deadpan/Understatement Andy: Michael, look at this. Dwight was in New York City last weekend.
Michael: New York? Dwight went to see Jan.
Andy: What? No, he was probably just—
Michael: He went to see Jan. I know it.
Michael: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.
Michael Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Dwight: My girlfriend is beautiful and smart.
Dwight: Being a college professor is just as intimidating as being a model.
Dwight Character Comedy Observational Andy: Dwight, what were you doing at corporate?
Dwight: I was presenting my new business idea.
Andy: What business idea?
Dwight: Beeswax Not Yours, Inc.
Andy: Beeswax... not yours? Dwight, that's not even a real business.
Dwight: It is a real business. I sell beeswax products, and it's none of your business.
Andy Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: You need to think long and hard about what you're doing.
Dwight: That's what she said.
Michael: No. No, you can't do that. That's my thing.
Angela: Kelly and Ryan? Are you insane? Kelly is a vapid, manipulative nightmare, and Ryan is a spineless idiot who got her pregnant. I would rather eat glass than be compared to those two.
Angela Character Comedy Escalation Karen: Did Pam say something?
Jim: What? No. Why would she say something? Did she say something?
Karen Jim Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Dwight: I hereby tender my resignation, effective immediately. I have decided to spend more time with my family and pursue other interests. It has been an honor to serve the Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch, and I am proud of the legacy I leave behind.
Dwight Character Comedy Observational Dwight: You all laughed at me. You mocked my beet farm, my martial arts training, my unwavering loyalty to this company. But mark my words—the reckoning is coming. I have seen the future, and it is dark. Your sales numbers will plummet. Your coffee will grow cold. And when the time is right, I shall return to reclaim what is rightfully mine. Repent, for the day of Schrute is upon you.
Dwight Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Kelly: ♪ Dwight, Dwight, he's leaving us today, he's such a nice guy in every way... ♪
Kelly: ♪ ...what a total douche, what a total douche... ♪
Kelly Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: Dwight was an incredible friend, a loyal colleague, and honestly one of the best people I've ever known. I'm going to miss him so much.
Michael: Actually, no I won't. I won't miss him at all.
Michael Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dwight: My life goal was literally to die at my desk. Now that's shattered by leaving.
Dwight Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jim: Happiness? That's ugly. But yeah, I'm pretty happy about how things turned out.
Jim Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ⏩ The part you fast-forward
Our scorer flagged 08:00-08:30 as the stretch with the fewest or weakest comedic moments. Everything else lands harder.
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