Ben Franklin

Dwight:As you can see, my resume includes all the standard categories: work experience, education, certifications, references. But I've also added a section that I believe sets me apart from other candidates: 'Dwight Schrute Trivia.' Did you know I'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy? Did you know I grow the most beautiful beets in the state? Did you know I have a black belt in several martial arts? These are the kinds of things employers need to know about me.

Dwight:I'm going to describe myself in three words.

Dwight:Hardworking.

Dwight:Alpha male.

Dwight:Jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.

Dwight:I'm going to live forever, or die trying.

Dwight:I've been networking, updating my resume, reaching out to contacts in the beet farming industry...

Dwight:Wait. I'm supposed to be working right now, aren't I?

Jim:Is that you singing?

Andy:Yeah! I recorded myself singing harmony with myself.

Andy:Pretty good, right?

Andy:Yeah, I called my own phone. So what? This ringtone is incredible. I wanted everyone to hear it.

Andy:Jim, I want you to know that I respect your authority as manager.

Andy:But let's be honest, you're what, 35? You've only been managing for a few years. I've got way more life experience.

Andy:To our partnership—we're like a dynamic duo. I'm thinking we call ourselves... 'Bernard and Butz.'

Dwight:That sounds like a 1970s folk duo that nobody asked for.

Andy:To friendship! To love! To new beginnings!

Jim:To... friendship. Love. New beginnings.

Jim:You know what? I actually miss Dwight. At least he was honest about being annoying. Andy's annoying AND he's trying to be my friend about it.

Jim:You know what? I give up. The universe wins. I'm just going to accept that nothing I do matters and that I'm cosmically insignificant.

Michael:Dwight's leaving is not a big deal. I mean, it's not like he's... I'm not even thinking about it. We're fine. Everything's fine here without him. I mean, without him here. Grammar-wise. The point is, we don't need Dwight. I've managed perfectly well before Dwight, and I'll manage perfectly well after Dwight. Who even is Dwight?

Michael:We need to think about addition by subtraction here.

Jim:That's not... that doesn't make mathematical sense.

Michael:You know what, you're right. I have no idea what that means.

Michael:You know what? I'm gonna try the opposite. Addition by subtraction... subtraction by addition.

Jim:That's just addition.

Michael:Exactly.

Michael:Oscar, welcome back! I have to tell you, I came up with this amazing pun while you were gone and I've been dying to use it on you.

Oscar:Oh no.

Michael:I'm really proud of this one. You ready?

Oscar:Not really.

Michael:That's the spirit! Okay, here it is: I was thinking about you the other day, and I realized... you're like a fine wine. You get better with age. Oscar, get it? Because you're... old.

Oscar:That's not a pun, Michael.

Michael:It is though. And I'm very proud of it.

Andy:So Jim, what are you doing after work? I'm gonna go home, grab a beer, get my Lost on.

Jim:Lost on?

Andy:Yeah, you know, watch Lost. Get my Lost on.

Jim:I don't think that's a thing.

Andy:It's totally a thing. You get your Lost on, I get my Lost on, we all get our Lost on.

Jim:Yeah, maybe. We'll see.

Andy:Did you hear that? 'We'll see.' That's basically a yes. Jim wants to hang out with me!

Jim:I'm going to grab some coffee.

Andy:Oh! Can I come with you?

Andy:I'm really trying to maximize my face time with management. Every interaction is an opportunity to show them I'm engaged and enthusiastic.

Andy:Some people might call it annoying, but I call it being proactive. The more they see me, the more they remember me when promotion time comes around.

Angela:Oscar, we'd love to have you join the party planning committee. We think you'd bring a lot to the table.

Oscar:Is this because I'm gay?

Angela:What? No! We just think you have a lot of... creative sensibilities and an eye for detail and... well, you know, we value diversity on our committee.

Angela:Absolutely not.

Michael:Who arranged all my desk toys so nicely?

Pam:That was Dwight.

Michael:Dwight? But I just fired him!

Andy:Yo, I'm totally down with the lingo. I'm hip, I'm cool, I'm with it.

Michael:Okay, okay. Say 'cromulent.'

Andy:Cromulent.

Michael:Now say it again.

Andy:Uh... crumbulent?

Michael:That's not even a word.

Michael:Andy's always trying to use slang he doesn't understand. Like, he'll just randomly say things that make no sense. It's like he's trying to speak... Ebonics or whatever. You know, that's the language where black people talk... differently. With the words all... rearranged and stuff. It's actually a very real dialect, very sophisticated, but when Andy does it, he just sounds like an idiot.

Michael:Oscar, you are a valued member of this office, and your Mexican heritage is—I mean, your Mexican-American heritage is something we all respect and admire.

Michael:In fact, I would say you have more Mexicanity than anyone I know.

Michael:Okay, for Oscar's party, I'm thinking we go full Mexican. I want sombreros, I want maracas, I want a piñata shaped like... a Mexican.

Pam:Michael, that's—

Michael:And a taco bar. A really big taco bar. With those little umbrellas in the drinks.

Oscar:Those are for tropical drinks.

Michael:Exactly. We'll make it work.

Oscar:Why don't you just ride a donkey?

Michael:A burro. It's called a burro.

Andy:Well, I'm going to hover nearby anyway, just in case you change your mind.

Andy:You know, Jim, I've been thinking... with a nickname like 'Tuna,' you must be great at fishing. I'd love to take you out sometime. We could really reel in some laughs.

Jim:I can't help prank Andy right now. Dwight's got this whole password system that's completely insane.

Jim:It's like, he changes it every day based on what he had for breakfast, and it has to include a number, a symbol, and something about beets.

Jim:Last week it was 'Schrute$Farms47!'. This week? 'Beets#Forever1823'.

Jim:He's like this sportscaster who bit someone, but I can't remember his name.

Jim:Ryan, I need your help with a prank.

Ryan:Jim, I've come from the future to tell you that pranks don't matter. In 200 years, no one will remember Dwight's stapler being in Jell-O.

Jim:So that's a no?

Ryan:That's a no.

Ryan:Yeah, I was better before I got promoted.

Jim:No, I mean before you were born.

Michael:Does anyone actually talk to Dwight?

Jim:No, not really.

Jim:I talk to him all day.

Michael:Dwight and I have a very special relationship. It's not a boss-employee thing. It's more like... two alpha males who are constantly butting heads because we're both so driven and passionate.

Michael:People see the conflict and they think it's about management style, but really it's just two titans in the same space. We're like oil and water. Or fire and ice. Two forces of nature that can't coexist peacefully.

Dwight:Dunder Mifflin? Never heard of it.

Dwight:Well, we're only the second-largest paper distributor in the state. But sure, you've never heard of us. That's... that's fine. Clearly you've been too busy not reading industry reports or, I don't know, doing your job.

Jim:Hey, you busy?

Pam:Actually, I was just—

Jim:Great, let's go.

Pam:Okay!

Andy:Has anyone seen my phone?

Andy:If you find my cellular phone device, please let me know immediately.

Andy:Where is that coming from?

Jim:What's wrong?

Andy:My phone is ringing but I can't find it.

Pam:Have you checked your desk?

Andy:Of course I checked my desk! It sounds like it's coming from... inside the wall?

Jim:Your phone might be in the ceiling.

Andy:Why would my phone be in the ceiling?! That doesn't make any sense, Jim!

Jim:So he punched through the ceiling looking for his phone.

Pam:His phone was in his pocket the whole time.

Jim:Yeah. And now there's a hole in the ceiling, and Andy's hand is... well, it's not great.

Pam:He kept yelling, 'Why isn't anyone helping me?' We were all just standing there.

Jim:I think we all learned something today.

Pam:What's that?

Jim:Andy should not be allowed to have a phone.

Andy:You know what? Fine. I didn't want to hang out with you anyway. I was just trying to be nice because I thought we could be friends. But clearly you think you're too good for me.

Jim:Andy, I literally just said I was busy today.

Andy:Right, right. 'Busy.' That's what people say when they don't want to hurt your feelings. It's cool. I get it. You and Pam have your little inside jokes, and I'm just the annoying guy who tries too hard. Well, joke's on you, because I'm going to go have fun without you, and when you see how much fun I'm having, you're going to regret this decision.

Michael:Dwight, you need to come back to work. I can't do this anymore.

Dwight:Do what?

Michael:Your laundry. I've been doing your laundry.

Jim:So... what are you really feeling right now?

Pam:I... um...

Pam:I'm terrified.

Jim:Of what?

Pam:That I'm going to wake up and this will all be a dream.

Michael:I learned a valuable lesson from the Andy situation. I realized that I don't want people sucking up to me anymore. I want them to suck up to me for better reasons.