The Cover Up

Have you seen them? Wait, I'm sitting on them.

What's the difference between a chimichanga, a chalupa and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.

Wait, this isn't funny. I don't talk like that.

Say, 'Me eat cookie.' No. I won't say it.

Break it up, you clique.

Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?

It's Secretary's Day. And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary, so perfect storm for a romantic gesture.

I sent an email blast, a text blast, a good old-fashioned talk blast.

I sent a snail-mail blast a week ago, and a stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning, so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin.

If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.

What was maternity leave like? Oh. How do I explain it? It rocked. It rocked my ass off.

You couldn't have watered it? I literally did not know that existed until this moment. Well, I knew it existed, and I chose to let it die.

She's kind of a rube. That's my girlfriend you're talking about.

I got a picture of you asking me to lunch.

Well, happy boss's day. There wouldn't be a secretary if there was no boss.

Yeah, ha, ha, tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that. I brought those in. It's my birthday.

That's some stone-cold narcissism right there.

They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.

Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level...

This is violent and offensive.

Either they don't respect me, or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I'm the IT guy.

And that's straight from corporate, so... Not to be scary, but, yeah, I would listen to me.

This is a novelization of the movie Precious, Based on the Book Push by Sapphire.

I would have chosen the 1490s. 'Cause America was discovered.

And then my last job was at a Taco Bell Express, but then it became a full Taco Bell and, I don't know, I couldn't keep up.

At my foster home I never had a desk, so it's like... I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it. I just didn't have a desk there.

Yeah, like a favorite month. Like, I liked April when I was seven.

Erin is just weird. How many pillows do you sleep on at night?

Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser.

What? Sorry. About Angela. Did you say he dated Angela?

Yeah, I asked for pickles on my burger, and there are only, like, five or six. Can I get some more pickles?

In the foster home, my hair was my room.

I'll have what she's having.

Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable.

Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy.

Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you.

I just like the way it feels. Just relax, okay? This is like the Cadillac of pumps.

We're both girls. Who cares?

God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It's easy.

'Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck, because a Mrs. Fields Cookies just opened up at the mall!'

'Sorry, Gabe, but that show hasn't been on in many cookies.'

that 115-pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon

I know about Angela. I know that you were engaged to her and that you were sleeping with her. Michael told me.

Did you sleep with Phyllis or Kelly or Pam? Maybe all together?

I should probably get involved in this, but I think my energy is better spent on the Cookie Monster issue.

'Hey, Erin, you look delicious! I mean, beautiful.'

I'm going to have to suspend you without pay for two days. You can't just suspend someone from work. Yeah, you're right. You know what? You're suspended too, Jim.

Wait, what? I was just slow-clapping your no-nonsense decision-making.

'C' is for suspension.

That's like... That's... That's like Mr. & Mrs. Smith crap.

Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.

It's the kind of thing you wish you could have annulled.

Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.

And I gotta take this bad attitude and I gotta go home and I got to adjust it.

I kneel before you. Humbly taking your hand upon which I kiss to show my contrition.

I mean, yeah, my chest is not naturally hairless, and my parents pay my credit card bill.

Like that girl Precious in Precious, Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.

Or cookies!

'Guys, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in, because corporate told me to. I just want you to know, I laugh like a crazy person.'

'I have to go back to the zoo to the stick insect exhibit.'

'I say ciao 'cause I'm fancy from Tallahassee.'

She's old enough to be your mom, for one thing, and she's, like, three feet tall, and she wears pioneer women clothing, and I don't think she's ever pooped in her life.

Andy, his butt looks big in those khakis. Oh, I like his butt. You said butt. You tricked me.

And the Count! Nailed him. Nailed him! Good work, Cookie Monster.