Michaels Last Dundies

Michael:To new beginnings and endings. To endings and beginnings. And in between, beginnings and endings.

Michael:To all the moms in the room. To all the moms watching at home. To all the moms of the troops.

Michael:To all the troops. The moms of the troops. And all the troops of the moms.

Michael:Colorado is known for its famous ski slopes and Rocky Mountains.

Deangelo:That's right. And Denver is the capital of Texas.

Michael:Exactly. Plus, Colorado is where all the potatoes come from.

Michael:I don't ski. I have a very good reason. Everyone I know who skis is dead.

Michael:I was going to start animal Olympics. Life happened.

Deangelo:Life happened?

Michael:Yeah, life happened.

Deangelo:What will you miss most about Dunder Mifflin?

Michael:I think I'll miss the mountains. You know, where things are.

Michael:Where are you? I'm at the bar on Fifth Street.

Deangelo:I'm at the bar on Fifth Street too! Where are you?

Michael:I'm by the jukebox!

Deangelo:I'm standing right next to the jukebox!

Michael:Well I don't see you.

Deangelo:I don't see you either. This is so weird.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Are you talking to me?

Deangelo:Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Michael:Oh my God. I thought you were on the phone.

Deangelo:No, I've been standing right here.

Michael:This whole time?

Deangelo:Yeah.

Michael:Vodka is a drink of champions. I once read that vodka was invented by a man named Vodka. True story.

Deangelo:Absolutely. Vodka is also known to have healing properties. My grandfather drank vodka every day and lived to be 103.

Michael:Exactly! See, this is why we understand business. We understand vodka.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look at the curves on this piece.

Deangelo:That's the queen.

Michael:I know what it is. I'm just saying, rawr.

Michael:You know what I saw on the news the other day? They said that chocolate is good for you. Then the next day, they said it's bad for you. Make up your minds!

Deangelo:I saw something similar. One week eggs are healthy, the next week they're going to kill you.

Michael:Exactly! It's like, how are we supposed to know what to eat? I read this headline that said 'Study: Eating Nothing But Sour Cream for Three Months May Lead to Death.'

Deangelo:That's ridiculous.

Michael:I know! I mean, who eats nothing but sour cream for three months? That's crazy. But you're a smart guy, Deangelo. You probably already knew that.

Deangelo:Well, I do pride myself on my nutritional knowledge.

Michael:This is our office. State of the art equipment, great team, really top notch operation.

Deangelo:Mm-hmm.

Michael:So what do you think?

Deangelo:It's fine.

Michael:You know what? We should start a production company together. I'm thinking we could do a buddy cop movie.

Deangelo:Michael, no.

Michael:Hear me out. You're the straight man, I'm the funny one. We'd be unstoppable. We'd be like Lethal Weapon but better.

Deangelo Vickers:I need coffee. Coffee. I need it. Bring me coffee. Now. Coffee.

Michael:Coffee goes right through me. I drink it at 9, I'm in the bathroom by 9:15.

Deangelo:That's TMI, Michael.

Michael:That's just how my body works.

Kevin:Dude, I'm like, totally Ashton Kutcher. I'm super hot, I'm in movies, I'm on Twitter...

Kevin:Wait, that's just me. I am Ashton Kutcher.

Michael:So Pam, about that idea we came up with last night...

Pam:Yeah? I was thinking about it all morning.

Michael:Well, I may have gotten a little carried away. I finished the screenplay.

Pam:You finished it? It's been like twelve hours.

Michael:I couldn't sleep. I was so inspired. It's three hundred and eighty-seven pages.

Pam:Three hundred and eighty-seven pages?!

Michael:With a full second act that I rewrote four times. And a climax that will make you cry.

Pam:Michael, that's insane.

Michael:That's what they said about Avatar, Pam. That's what they said.

Michael:I love unnecessary pomp and circumstance. It makes me feel like a king.

Deangelo:Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, Colorado... the American Southwest. A land of rugged beauty, where crimson mesas kiss the endless azure sky, where ancient rock formations stand as silent sentinels to civilizations long past, where the desert sun paints the earth in shades of burnt sienna and gold. It's a place where a man can find himself, or lose himself completely. Where dreams are born and die under the vast, indifferent stars.

Deangelo Vickers:I have a severe peanut allergy. It's basically a death sentence.

Michael Scott:Deangelo, my friend, you're one of the strongest men I know. How do you do it?

Deangelo Vickers:Every day is a battle. I wake up, I look in the mirror, and I say, 'Today might be the day.' Every meal is a potential funeral.

Jim:I didn't get the manager job. Which is fine. I mean, it stings a little bit, but... it's fine.

Jim:I'm not upset. I'm actually relieved. No, wait — I'm devastated. Actually, I'm mostly just confused about how I feel.

Jim:This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. This is... fine.

Michael:I didn't even recognize you when you first got here. I thought you were a... I don't know, some temp or something.

Deangelo:You didn't recognize me?

Michael:No, but in my defense, it was high jinks. Just some high jinks.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. I have business cards. Look at this. See? That's me right there. That's my face. And that's my name. So I'm definitely me.

Andy:This is basically a government-issued ID. I could use this to open a bank account, rent a car, get on a plane...

Deangelo:You're the office funny guy.

Andy:I wasn't joking.

Michael:Jim and Pam are having an affair.

Jim:It's not an affair, we're married.

Michael:That's what they all say. It's still an affair.

Pam:Four kids? That's amazing. Yeah, our baby's bowel movements are so unpredictable. Like, sometimes it's just everywhere. It's like a Jackson Pollock painting, but brown and way less valuable.

Jim:So that's what we're doing now? We're making jokes about baby poop?

Pam:Well, someone has to. It's not like unplanned pregnancies come with a career counselor.

Michael:Deangelo, this is Pam. She's our receptionist. Her father passed away last year. Tragic.

Michael:This is Jim. He's in sales. His parents are still together, which is nice.

Michael:And this is Dwight. He has a very complicated relationship with his mother.

Michael:Dwight is an exceptional employee. Loyal, dedicated, hardworking. Just be careful — if you get too close to him, he'll attach himself to you like a remora fish and start sucking your blood.

Dwight:That's called symbiosis.

Michael:No, that's called devotion. Gross, vampiric devotion.

Dwight:I baked these myself this morning. They're my famous beet cookies, a Schrute family recipe passed down through generations.

New Boss:Wow, these look amazing, Dwight.

Dwight:I used only the finest ingredients. No shortcuts.

New Boss:They taste incredible. What's your secret?

Dwight:Well, that would be a secret if I told you. But I will say, it's all about the love you put into—

Jim:Dwight, there's a Pepperidge Farm label on the bottom.

Dwight:That's... quality assurance. They check all my batches.

Deangelo:I'm on a very low calorie diet.

Michael:That's dangerous.

Michael:What is happening here? Is this... are we having an orgy? Because I want in. I'm very limber.

Deangelo:Michael, this is just a staff meeting.

Michael:Well that's not as fun.

Andy:I just told Deangelo that I'm a bro. And a friend. And a man of the people. Which is... which is true. I am those things.

Deangelo:The Grand Canyon was formed by the Colorado River over millions of years.

Michael:Actually, I think it was carved out by a giant Native American warrior with a tomahawk.

Deangelo:No, it was definitely the river.

Kevin:Do bald people get shampoo commercials?

Deangelo:No, Kevin, they don't.

Dwight:Michael, come quick! There's a turtle out here!

Michael:A turtle? Where?

Dwight:Gotcha! There is no turtle. I just wanted to see if you'd fall for it.

Michael:Okay. That's fine. That's fine.

Michael:I really wanted a turtle. But you know what? I'm not going to let that get me down. I'm going to be positive about this.

Michael:From now on, whenever I feel sad about not having a turtle, I'm just going to imagine that I have one. Problem solved.

Dwight:You're Batman and I'm Robin.

Michael:Actually, I'm Batman.

Dwight:No, no, no. I'm Batman.

Michael:Dwight, you can't be Batman.

Dwight:Why not?

Michael:Because I'm Batman.

Dwight:No. I'm Batman.

Michael:Okay, fine. You're Batman. But you scare me.

Jim:I had no idea Dwight wanted to be manager.

Jim:So our baby said the worst word the other day.

Pam:Yeah, we have no idea where she learned it.

Deangelo:Kids say the darnedest things! Ha ha!

Deangelo:Erin, I need you to change the phone greeting. It's too bubbly.

Erin:Oh, um, but I thought the bubbly was— okay, yeah, I can make it less... bubbly.

Deangelo:Thank you.

Deangelo:When someone calls the office, I want them to hear a warm greeting. Something like, 'Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin.' But maybe more energetic? Or professional? Actually, I'm thinking... casual but still business-like. You know what, forget I said that. Let's go with friendly but authoritative. Or is that contradictory? Maybe just say the name of the company first. Or the person's name. Whose name should it be? Actually, I have no idea what I want.

Deangelo Vickers:Feel the burn! Yeah! Come on, push it! You got this! That's right, keep going! Don't stop now! You're almost there! Come on, come on, come on!

Michael:Hey Deangelo, you look like you've been working out. That's great!

Deangelo:Don't touch me.

Michael:I'm not—

Deangelo:Don't even think about touching me.

Michael:Okay, I wasn't going to—

Deangelo:If you touch me, I will kill you.

Michael:You know, working here is like being in the ocean. You never know when a shark is going to come along and take a bite out of you.

Deangelo:That's why you gotta jam your thumb in their eye.

Michael:What?

Deangelo:Shark attack. You jam your thumb in their eye, their brain shuts down, they take a nap.

Michael:...Okay.

Deangelo:Also, octopi. Eight arms. Four mouths. So you gotta watch out.

Phyllis:I saw you in the bathroom earlier.

Deangelo:Oh... um... I was just... washing my hands.

Phyllis:I know.

Deangelo:Right. Well. Good day.

Phyllis:That was like a romantic meet-cute! He literally threatened to kill me, and I felt like I was in a movie.

Andy:So there's a black guy, a white guy, and a Hispanic guy walking into a bar...

Deangelo:Andy, what are you doing?

Andy:I don't know where I was going with that.

Deangelo Vickers:You know what I've noticed? People always say 'break a leg' before a performance, but nobody actually breaks their leg. It's just an expression.

Michael:I'm not worried. I've cut hair before.

Deangelo:You're letting Erin cut your hair?

Michael:Yeah, why not? How hard can it be?

Deangelo:I have a professional barber.

Michael:Well, I have Erin. And she's very... enthusiastic.

Deangelo:We're gonna have rap sessions.

Jim:I think you mean 'rap' like talking, not like Eminem.

Deangelo:That's what I said.

Jim:No, I think you meant 'raps' like we're gonna wrap things up. You know, 'wrap sessions.'

Pam:So the baby was crying, and I didn't know what to do, and Jim said maybe she was hungry, so I—

Deangelo:Pam. Nobody cares. This is a workplace, not a daycare. We're trying to run a business here.

Pam:Oh, I was just...

Deangelo:And another thing. The way you were looking at me during that story—I know what you're doing. You're trying to make me jealous. Well, it's not going to work, because I don't get jealous. I get even.

Michael:Okay, listen up. I've created a color-coded memo system. Red means urgent, blue means very urgent, and green means... it's urgent but in a fun way.

Dwight:Michael, what about yellow?

Michael:Yellow means... I haven't decided yet. I'm still working on it.

Dwight:Well, for starters, I think I'm being discriminated against. Michael favors Jim and Pam, and the rest of the office is in on it. They're probably taking notes on how to make my life miserable. I've documented seventeen instances of preferential treatment just this month. My desk is positioned in a way that makes me vulnerable to attacks from behind. And I'm almost certain someone's been tampering with my stapler.

Jim:Deangelo's a great guy. He's really turned this place around.

Jim:Actually, no, he's terrible. This place is worse than ever.

Andy:You know what nobody talks about? D.C. traffic. It's terrible. I mean, you've got all these important people in Washington, running the country, and they're all just sitting in gridlock on the Beltway like everyone else. So much for being in power, right? You can't even power your way past a merge.

Deangelo:Why do people walk on their feet?

Andy:I... I don't know.

Deangelo:Because their legs are too short to walk on.

Michael:You know, Deangelo, I've been thinking about the layout of this office. And I really think the way it was before — with me at that desk — was the most efficient configuration. For morale. For productivity. For... everything.

Dwight:Actually, it's not called a 10-gallon hat because it holds 10 gallons. It's called that because it can hold 10 gallons of water. Well, technically 9.6 gallons, but the Spanish conquistadors rounded up.

Michael:Kevin, what happened to you? You look completely different!

Kevin:What? That's just my normal hair.

Michael:No, no, no. You were bald a second ago. This is... this is a whole new Kevin.

Dwight:You're a lame duck, Michael.

Michael:Well, you're a... you're a stupid goose.

Dwight:That doesn't even make sense.

Michael:Oh yeah? Well, you're a... a dumb penguin.

Michael:Look at this photo of Deangelo. He's got a full head of hair here. Now look at him. It's like he's been slowly turning into a bowling ball.

Michael:You know what? I've been thinking about starting an exercise routine. Something easy, you know? Low impact.

Michael:But then I realized - I'd rather spend that time doing literally anything else. Eating, sleeping, watching TV, talking about how I should exercise...

Michael:So that's my new exercise regimen. Thinking about exercise. It's very low impact.

Deangelo:I used to eat an entire rotisserie chicken by myself in my car. That's a sad truth about eating social food alone.

Michael:That's what she said! No, wait... Over the tapas?

DeAngelo Vickers:I was in the desert, having a spiritual awakening, and I realized I was completely naked.

Deangelo:Alright, everybody, I want you to guess how much weight I've lost.

Jim:Um, 15 pounds?

Deangelo:Nope. Higher.

Jim:20 pounds?

Deangelo:I lost 21 pounds. Beat my goal by one pound. One pound!

Kevin:Yeah, I got inspired by Deangelo's story. So I decided to take on my own challenge.

Kevin:I'm gonna try to go the whole day without eating.

Kevin:Just kidding. I'm gonna eat two sandwiches instead of three.

Michael:You know, I have to say, I'm really proud of what we accomplished here today. That emotional moment? That was all me. I created that. I mean, sure, Deangelo gave the speech, but I set it up. I knew exactly what would happen. I'm like a puppet master of human emotion.

Dwight:Michael, I'm using your recommendation letter for my job application.

Michael:That's great, Dwight!

Dwight:Yeah, I figured since you're my boss and mentor, it would be perfect.

Michael:Dwight... I never actually wrote you a recommendation letter.

Dwight:What do you mean you never wrote one? I've had it for months.

Michael:You... you forged my signature?

Dwight:I didn't forge anything. You told me I could use one whenever I needed it.

Michael:Dwight, I never said that.

Deangelo:You know what? I've been to every whale watching location on the East Coast, and you know what I found? Nothing but disappointment and empty seas.

Deangelo:So here's what you do: you take a blue paint marker, you go out to the ocean at exactly 3:47 AM on a Tuesday, you draw a giant whale on the water, and boom — whale watching solved.

Deangelo:I went into anaphylactic shock. My throat closed up. I couldn't breathe. I thought I was gonna die.

Deangelo:You know what the worst part was? I missed The Office.

Michael:Okay, everyone, I need you on my side here. Deangelo is trying to take over, and I need your support.

Oscar:I'm with Deangelo.

Michael:Oscar, come on. Really?

Dwight:I'm sorry, Michael. But Deangelo is the future. I have to go with him.

Michael:Dwight? You too? You're my right hand man!

Deangelo:Michael, you are the best regional manager I have ever seen. You inspire people. You make them want to come to work.

Michael:Well, I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty good boss.

Deangelo:Enjoy your remaining time here, Michael. Like spring break, but the opposite.

Michael:You know, I've been thinking about what people say about relaxing. They tell you to 'go with the flow,' but I'm more of a 'go against the flow' kind of guy. That's how I got where I am today. Well, that and ignoring most of what my therapist says.

DeAngelo Vickers:Look, I'm going to be honest with you. Babies are ruining this company. They're loud, they're messy, they cry all the time. I don't understand the appeal. I mean, what do they do? Nothing. They just sit there and drool on themselves like they're in some kind of vegetative state. And don't get me started on the smell. It's like a combination of sour milk and regret.