Couples Discount

Pete:Being together on Valentine's Day is like magic.

Pete:You know, the kind of magic where you spend three times your normal budget on flowers that die in a week, and dinner at a restaurant where they've already seated five other couples at your exact table.

Pete:Yeah, well, the magician's assistant always has to leave at the end of the show. That's the trick.

Erin:I'm going to break up with Andy.

Pete:I'm gonna do whatever Erin wants on her last day.

Pete:It's like when you tell a kid their dog is going to a farm. You're not gonna do that. You're gonna put it down. But you gotta make the last day special.

Dwight:Random nonsense sounds as Andy's response

Dwight:The perfect manager is an imaginary one who obeys completely.

Dwight:When Andy comes back, he's going to pretend to be me.

Dwight:False. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Dwight:Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!

Kevin:I've been drinking Andy's milk for three months.

Andy:What?! Kevin, that's disgusting!

Kevin:Yeah, well, it's chunky lemon now. Spoiled beyond recognition.

Phyllis:We should have a fun boss-less day!

Clark:So we're doing drugs and alcohol?

Clark:We should burn down the warehouse to collect the insurance money.

Phyllis:Or we could just rent out the mini-mall space downtown.

Phyllis:We have a couples discount at the mini-mall.

Phyllis:It's for people who are in a relationship, or people who just want to pretend to be in a relationship so they can save money on things they don't need.

Stanley:I'll be your fake husband. I already dislike you enough.

Phyllis:I went to get my feet detailed at this new place, and the guy used these tiny watch repair tools. I was like, 'Are you fixing my bunions or my Rolex?'

Oscar:Can you pretend to be my boyfriend for my family dinner?

Darryl:No, absolutely not.

Oscar:My mom keeps asking why I'm single.

Darryl:Okay, I'll do it.

Darryl:Yeah, I'm fine with it. I'm totally fine with it. More than fine. I'm great with it. I'm excellent with it.

Darryl:I'm comfortable! I'm very comfortable. Why does everyone keep saying I'm not comfortable? I'm the most comfortable person in this office. I'm so comfortable right now.

Pam:Oh... Brian and Alyssa?

Pam:I thought you meant... never mind.

Nail Salon Worker:Your girlfriend has very strong hands.

Angela:You need to start wearing a bra. I'm not going to have you developing in the office where everyone can see.

Angela:And we should probably get you some pads, just in case.

Angela:Also, no more eating in the break room during your period. The smell makes people uncomfortable.

Darryl:I love you so much. You complete me. I think about you every second of every day. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I think about is your smile. When I go to bed at night, I dream about holding you close. You are my soulmate, my everything. I would die for you.

Darryl:You know what? I'm tired of this fake relationship. Do you understand the economic impact of what we're doing here? We're artificially inflating the emotional market. Supply and demand, baby. When you flood the market with fake romance, real romance loses its value. We're in a recession!

Dwight:Well, this is awkward. We've been following an imposter. I should have known. The real Andy would never be this competent.

Angela:Welcome back from your boat trip, Andy. How was it?

Andy:It was great! Very relaxing.

Angela:Well, you look like a loafer.

Andy:What? I'm not lazy!

Angela:No, I mean you're dressed like a loafer. Those shoes.

Erin:I can't break up with Andy because I'm still technically dating someone from first grade.

Erin:Oh my God, I totally forgot our anniversary! He's going to be so mad at me.

Erin:I mean, we've been together since first grade. That's like... a really long time.

Erin:I feel awful. I didn't even get him a gift or anything.

Andy:Nonsensical fake African/Caribbean singing

Andy:Selling out? I'm not selling out. I'm just wearing a tie because it's professional.

Dwight:That's exactly what selling out is.

Andy:I'll have full internet connection down there. I'm thinking I'll set up shop at one of the local cafes, you know, work remotely.

Andy:They call them 'bembe cafes' down there. It's a local musical term.

Pam:We need to stop breaking down in front of each other.

Brian:Yeah, you're right. It's not professional.

Pam:I mean, look what happened last time you got emotional at work.

Brian:I lost my job.

Pam:Exactly. And that was just for protecting me.

Andy:Dwight, I need you to acknowledge my authority as your manager.

Dwight:I don't think that's necessary.

Andy:Oh, it's necessary. I want you to say 'nard dog.' Say it.

Dwight:I'm not going to say that.

Andy:Say it! Nard dog! That's what they call me. You need to recognize that I am in charge here, and you will say nard dog.

Andy:That's not ideal.

Dwight:You lost the Jan sale? You're a turd dog, Andy. A complete turd dog.

Dwight:Andy thinks he can just waltz back in here like nothing happened. He's like Kevin's spoiled milk — once you leave it out in the sun, it doesn't belong in the fridge anymore.

Dwight:I can't tell Wallace about Andy. It would be like letting a cat out of the bag.

Jim:Actually, there is no cat. And there is no bag.

Dwight:Fact.

Meredith:I've been called a lot of things. Drunk. Slut. Meatball. But I have never been called a narc.

Meredith:You can call me Mer, you can call me Meredith, you can call me M-Dog, you can call me Mer-Dog, you can call me Peppermint Bark.

Meredith:But you cannot call me... a drunk. Which I'm not.

Meredith:I'm a drunk? That's... that's offensive.

Meredith:I prefer 'day-drinker.'

Andy:Who wants to hang with me?

Oscar:No one. That's the actual theme song.

Clark:So while you were gone, Pam finished this huge mural in the break room. It was incredible—took her like three weeks. But then Dwight decided to rearrange the entire room for 'better feng shui' and just... completely destroyed it. Knocked the whole thing right off the wall.

Clark:Yeah, and then Jim tried to fix it, but he made it worse. So now it's just this abstract mess, and Pam won't even look at it. She's been pretty upset about the whole thing.

Michael Scott:Wait, wait, wait. Kathy Ireland? The supermodel?

Dwight Schrute:She's interested in our paper company.

Michael Scott:This is huge! We need to make this happen. What's her deal?

Jim Halpert:She wants to do a commercial where she endorses Dunder Mifflin paper.

Michael Scott:Okay, okay. I'm picturing this... Kathy Ireland, holding our paper, maybe in a... in a professional business setting.

Dwight Schrute:Or maybe she could be topless.

Michael Scott:What? No! Dwight, what is wrong with you?

Dwight Schrute:Sex sells, Michael.

Michael Scott:Not everything needs to be about sex, Dwight. We're a paper company, not a... not a Maxim cover.

Andy:I didn't lie about the warehouse fire. I just... I embellished the truth. Which is different because... look, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, and you can't fight fire with fire, so... the fire was like a bird in the hand, you know?

Erin:Look at this little guy! He has scales!

Pete:Those are fish scales.

Erin:I know, but wouldn't it be funny if he could play the musical scales? Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do!

Andy:Erin, we have a real future together. Look at my parents - they've been married for thirty years.

Erin:That's so romantic!

Andy:Yeah, they barely speak to each other, they sleep in separate rooms, and my dad's been having an affair since 1987. But they're still together. That's commitment.

Andy:Erin, I need you to do something for me. Can you just... pretend to love me? I honestly can't tell the difference anymore.

Erin:Andy, that's not how love works.

Andy:I know, I know, but just try it. For like, five minutes?

Pam:We should fight instead of avoiding conflict.

Jim:*takes a playful boxing stance*

David Wallace:Wait, what do you mean he's been gone for three months?

Employee:Yeah, Andy left the branch three months ago.

David Wallace:Three months? And nobody thought to tell me?