Stairmageddon

Stanley:The elevator is broken?!

Dwight:Stairmageddon.

Jim:So Dwight's been preparing for this elevator maintenance like it's the apocalypse. He's got binders, spreadsheets, a detailed timeline... I'm pretty sure he thinks the elevator repair guy is coming to steal his identity.

Dwight:Stanley, I'm detecting elevated heart rate and labored breathing. This is a Level 4 medical emergency. We need to initiate descent protocol immediately.

Stanley:Dwight, I'm just going up one flight of stairs.

Dwight:Negative. According to my calculations, you have approximately 90 seconds before total cardiovascular shutdown. I'm calling for emergency extraction.

Stanley:I'm not climbing stair mountain.

Jim:I'm not saying we need to install an elevator, but I am saying that if we did, it would probably pay for itself in productivity gains.

Jim:So we're treating elevator maintenance like it's the apocalypse?

Andy:ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL! This is not a drill. We have a code red situation. Employee performance review in Conference Room B at 1400 hours. I repeat, CONFERENCE ROOM B AT 1400 HOURS. This is a MANDATORY assembly. Failure to appear will result in disciplinary action. DISMISSED!

Phyllis:What does it say?

Andy:I don't know, I didn't read it.

Andy:Red alert!

Dwight:What's the red alert?

Andy:I don't know, you tell me. You're the one who's always talking about alert levels.

Dwight:Well, if this is a red alert, we need to go to DefCon 1. That means full nuclear retaliation.

Pam:Dwight is a hard worker and a dedicated employee.

Pam:But he will never be regional manager.

Dwight:Well, I don't care what anyone says. I'm going to be successful no matter what they think of me.

Jim:Really? Because your performance reviews suggest otherwise.

Dwight:Those reviews are meaningless. I am a warrior. A fighter. And you're just... a thing.

Pam:Andy, your review says here you have 'poor communication skills and lack of leadership.'

Andy:Well, yeah, but—

Pam:It also says you're 'emotionally volatile and prone to outbursts.'

Andy:Okay, Michael was upset that day—

Pam:And then it ends with 'represents everything wrong with middle management in America today.'

Andy:That seems a little broad.

Andy:Well, I don't really care what people think anyway.

Pam:Really? Because you cried for twenty minutes after your performance review.

Andy:That was just... allergies.

Andy:I wanted to be in a barbershop quartet. Not just any barbershop quartet, but specifically the one from the 1950s that performed at the Ohio State Fair in 1952.

Kevin:Wait, who are we talking about?

Kevin:Oh, is it that guy from the bank? No wait... is it the mayor?

Kevin:I'm pretty sure it's the mayor. I'm like, ninety percent sure.

Dwight:Why can't you fix the elevator at night?

Stanley:Because I'm not an Olympic athlete. I work 9 to 5, not 24/7.

Stanley:No.

Stanley:I don't want your stupid teapot. I want my coffee black, with exactly two sugars, a splash of half-and-half, and make sure it's from the bottom of the pot because that's where all the flavor is. And call me 'The Pretzel King' while you're at it.

Pam:So I was thinking we could go to that new Italian place downtown, get some wine, maybe catch a movie after...

Pam:We're thinking about going to marriage counseling.

Oscar:Oh, that's a good idea. I've been in therapy for like fifteen years.

Jim:Hey Toby, can I ask you something personal?

Toby:Oh! Yeah, of course. I'm always here if you need to talk. I mean, that's kind of my job, but also... I genuinely enjoy it. Getting to know people on a deeper level.

Jim:Great, thanks.

Toby:Anytime. Really. I don't have much going on tonight. Or most nights, actually. So feel free to ask me anything. Anything at all.

Jim:I'm not saying I need counseling. I'm saying that I went to counseling.

Jim:Wait, that's worse.

Oscar:Kelly predicted this would happen in 2019.

Andy:Hi, I'm Andy Bernard. I'm a singer, I'm a salesman, I'm a Cornell graduate. I'd like representation.

Agent:We're gonna need a demo reel, headshots, references...

Andy:Oh, I have those. Well, I have a VHS tape my mom made of me singing in the shower. And for headshots, I took some with my phone in the bathroom mirror. And my references are my parents and my former boss Michael Scott.

Agent:...When can you start?

Andy:I'm available right now. I drove here straight from work. I parked in a no-parking zone. I'm pretty sure I'm getting towed, but that's fine, I'll figure it out.

Senator:I'm going to hold a press conference to address these gay rumors once and for all.

Senator:I'll bring my wife, we'll hold hands, maybe kiss a little bit. Really drive home the traditional marriage message.

Senator:That should convince everyone I'm not gay.

Angela:I support you, honey. You can do anything you set your mind to.

Angela:Well, not anything. You can't be a doctor or a lawyer or... actually, most things.

Angela:But you can certainly attempt to do some things, provided they're not too difficult or require any real skill.

Angela:What I mean to say is, I believe in you. Sort of. In a general sense.

Andy:Guys, guys, guys! My video is going viral! We're at like 50,000 views!

Dwight:That's incredible, Andy. How did you do it?

Andy:Well, I've been refreshing the page on all my devices. Phone, tablet, laptop, work computer...

Jim:Andy, that's just... that's just you watching it.

Andy:Exactly! I'm a view!

Andy:Stanley, we need you to find a way to get this done. Whatever means possible.

Dwight:Whatever means possible? I can have this done by tonight. I know a guy who knows a guy. Actually, I am a guy who knows a guy.

Dwight:I have shown tremendous restraint. While others would have let their emotions run wild, I have kept myself in check. This measured approach, this iron discipline—this IS my idea of being reasonable.

Pete:I should probably get going.

Dwight:Wait, before you leave, I want to give you something. A little going away gift.

Pete:Oh, that's not necessary.

Dwight:I insist. It's bull tranquilizer. In case you ever need to sedate a large animal. Or, you know, just keep it in your desk. I have three bottles.

Pete:So Dwight's pointing a tranquilizer dart at Stanley.

Stanley:Dwight, how many times do I have to tell you? You can't just go around making threats like that. It's unprofessional, it's inappropriate, and frankly, it's getting old.

Dwight:But Stanley, I was just—

Stanley:No. No excuses. You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions. One of these days you're going to threaten the wrong person and—

Stanley:Wait. You actually did it, didn't you?

Dwight:Andy said I could use tranquilizer darts on Stanley if he got out of line.

Stanley:What?!

Dwight:He was very clear about it.

Pete:It's like... all the colors are melting together, and I can taste sounds, and I think I'm a lake now.

Pete:Wait, isn't that dosage for a small bull?

Dwight:Stanley Hudson weighs approximately 190 pounds. A small bull weighs 1,800 pounds. The math checks out.

Dwight:Stanley, you're putting too much strain on the elevator. We're going to have to schedule maintenance.

Stanley:What are you talking about?

Dwight:The elevator has a weight limit. You're exceeding it.

Dwight:Easy now, we're almost there.

Pete:Wait a minute... how many times have you practiced this exact scenario?

Dwight:...

Pete:Oh my God, you've dreamed about this, haven't you?

Pete:Planning body disposal is weird.

Dwight:Not as weird as Evel Knievel's motorcycle jump over the Snake River Canyon.

Dwight:I have a plan to launch Stanley down the stairs. When he reaches the bottom, Pete, I need you to blunt his fall.

Pete:Blunt his fall? He's 250 pounds!

Dwight:Yes. With your body.

Dwight:If Stanley had crashed through that wall instead of Pete catching him, Stanley would have died.

Pam:Jim, you never listen to me. You're always on your phone or watching TV.

Jim:That's not true. I listen to you all the time. Like, right now, I'm listening to you say I don't listen.

Pam:That's not listening, Jim. That's just hearing words.

Jim:Well, technically, hearing is the first step of listening, so I'm already ahead of the game.

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. Angela as a senator's wife? Has she even read the Constitution? I mean, I'm just concerned about her qualifications. That's all. It's not like I'm jealous or anything.

Phyllis:Angela, you look so thin and tired.

Andy:Oh, so now you're just giving out compliments to Angela? What about me? I work hard, I'm athletic, I have a great voice. Why don't you ever notice me like that?

Senator:I'm here to address the rumors about my personal life. I want to be very clear...

Senator:I'm gay. I'm a gay man, and I've been living a lie for too long. I love my husband, and I'm done hiding.

Reporter:So when did you first realize you were gay?

Senator:Coming out in English

Senator:Repeating it in Spanish for no clear reason

Senator:I've realized I'm gay. Women are charmless and boring.

Kevin:I knew it. I knew Oscar was with the senator the whole time.

Phyllis:No, you didn't.

Kevin:Yeah, I did. I'm very perceptive.

Kevin:I know a secret that nobody else knows.

Kevin:I'm not gonna tell you what it is, but I know it.

Kevin:And that makes me special.

Agent:Are you an actor?

Andy:Well, I do a lot of community theater. I played Aquaman in our production of Justice League.

Agent:That's... great. What else do you do?

Andy:I do this thing where I stack animals on top of each other. A chicken on a pig, a pig on a cow, a cow on an elephant. It's very physical.

Andy:Yeah, mice are basically just cannon fodder.

Andy:I was thinking about getting some disposable mice for the office.

Andy:But then I realized my agent is really into animal rights, and I don't want him to drop me over this.

Pete:Could you maybe use human terminology?

Dwight:Stanley, I need you to focus. This is the Sanderson account. They're very particular about their specifications.

Stanley:Did you know that the Stanley Cup has been to space?

Dwight:Pete, you're going to have to impersonate Stanley.

Pete:What? Why me?

Dwight:Because you're the closest in build. You'll sit at his desk, answer to his name. It's the only way the clients won't know he's incapacitated.

Pete:I'm not Black.

Dwight:I know that.

Pete:So how is that going to work?

Dwight:You'll just have to be very convincing.

Dwight:Stanley was just telling me about his, uh, innovative new filing system.

Stanley:Yeah, that's right. I color-coded everything by the smell of the paper.

Mrs. Davis:...What?

Dwight:He has a very sensitive nose.

Stanley:I'd be happy to discuss your grandchildren.

Mrs. Davis:Really?

Stanley:Yes, they sound absolutely delightful. Tell me everything about them.

Dwight:Stanley closed that sale while on painkillers. His inhibitions were lowered, his social anxiety was gone. We should drug him every day.

Andy:Well, I was the lead in my high school musical. I played the male lead in West Side Story.

Andy:So basically, I'm like the Zac Efron of my generation.

Andy:Well, I appreciate the offer. It's... it's not what I was hoping for, but I understand the economy is tough right now.

Andy:I'm just glad to still have a job. A lot of people would kill for this opportunity.

Andy:So yes, I accept. With dignity and grace.

Andy:I got representation! A talent agent finally signed me!

Carla:That's great! What agency?

Andy:It's called 'Hot Talent Management.' They saw my headshot online and reached out immediately.

Carla:How much are they charging you?

Andy:Well, there's a small upfront fee of $5,000 for their services, plus a processing fee, plus—

Carla:Andy, that's a scam.

Andy:No, no, no. They're just being thorough. Legitimate agents invest in their clients. Plus, their office is in a strip mall next to a vape shop, which shows they're flexible and willing to adapt to modern retail trends.

Dwight:Stanley, you need to climb the stairs to get to the conference room.

Stanley:No. I'm not doing it. I made that sale in a drug-induced haze, and I'm not climbing another stair in this office ever again.

Dwight:But the conference room is upstairs.

Stanley:Then I guess you'll have to move the conference room downstairs.

Dwight:We're gonna need a pulley system. And a wide-load permit.