Money problems plague Andy's family. Meanwhile, Dwight guests on a local radio show, so the staffers harass him with outrageous phone calls, and Kevin unearths a big secret about Oscar.
Boat setting forces character escalation; 48 jokes in 48 minutes sustains late-season momentum despite no standout punchlines.
Directed by John Krasinski · Written by Dan Sterling
WAR
39.6
Wins Above Replacement
“The Boat” ranks #116 of 186 The Office episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 76.0 — Great. The episode packs 48 scored jokes at 2.1 per minute, averaging 6.8 on craft and 6.8 on impact, with Dwight landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Dwight: Well, I'd say things went exactly according to plan.
Dwight Irony/Sarcasm Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Sondra: No, it's not toxic.
Sondra: Unless you eat more than 32 reams a day.
Sondra Setup/Punchline Absurdist ★ Rewatch Radio Host: We're hearing reports that Dunder Mifflin stock has plummeted following your interview.
Dwight: The interview was taken out of context.
Radio Host: Well it's gotten worse. David Wallace has barricaded himself in the conference room with several employees.
Dwight: What? He's taken hostages?
Radio Host: That's what we're hearing. Police are on the scene.
Kevin: Wait, so you're telling me Angela set me up? This whole thing was a setup?
Angela: Kevin, what are you talking about?
Kevin: Oh my God. Oh my God, this is so much bigger than I thought. You know that guy I testified against? The one on death row?
Angela: What? Kevin, no—
Kevin: I think he was innocent. I think I sent an innocent man to death row.
Andy: Walt? What are you doing here? I thought you were in rehab.
Walt: Yeah, I got out early. Good behavior.
Andy: Walt, you've been there for like three weeks.
Walt: I know, I know. But honestly, Andy, I'm gonna relapse anyway. Everyone does. Why delay the inevitable?
Walt Andy Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement All Jokes — 48 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Oscar: I'm asking for your sensitivity, maturity, and discretion regarding my affair with the Senator.
Kevin: Giggity.
Dwight: Andy's family is in a financial crisis. As his financial advisor, I need to act fast.
Dwight: This isn't just about numbers anymore. This is about survival. I'm like a first responder, but for money.
Unknown character: Rich family member's response to crisis is hiding in wine cellar
Michael Scott: I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. That must be really difficult.
Michael Scott: You know, I lost my dad too. But I handled it with such grace and maturity that my boss at the time said it was the most professional way he'd ever seen someone deal with tragedy.
Michael Scott: I just want my dad to be proud of me, you know? To see that I can handle a crisis.
Michael Scott: Wait... my dad IS the crisis. Dammit!
Oscar: Kevin, do you remember that time we talked about philosophy?
Kevin: No.
Kevin Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Yeah, she hosts The Dr. Laura Show. Nope, that's Dr. Laura.
Dwight: I do. I am very passionate about local business issues. As a beet farmer and small business owner, I understand the challenges facing our community. I've already written several strongly-worded letters to the Scranton Chamber of Commerce.
Dwight Character Comedy Escalation Dwight: When you're famous, you can sell anything. I could sell a ream of Dunder Mifflin paper to someone for a thousand dollars.
Jim: No, you couldn't.
Dwight: Yes, I could. Because I'm famous.
Jim: You're not famous.
Dwight: I'm locally famous.
Dwight Absurdist Character Comedy Meredith: Your brother's in rehab? Is he cute?
Dwight: The lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue.
Dwight: Unique New York, you need New York.
Dwight: Red leather, yellow leather.
Dwight: Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat.
Dwight: I'm not really sure what I'm doing here.
Dwight: I was chosen for the radio interview.
Jim: You were not chosen. You called them.
Andy: If I sell the boat, all my problems go away.
Andy: But I can't sell it. It's the Bandit. My father bought it for me when I was seven.
Andy: Anyway, who wants ice cream?
Andy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Kevin: You know what? I'm gonna start eating the fancy silverware. It's got to be worth something, and if I'm eating it, I'm getting the nutrients.
Kevin Character Comedy Absurdist Andy: You know, Darryl, there are just some places that mean so much to you. Places that hold all your memories and your heart.
Darryl: Yeah, my house.
Andy: I'm not gonna cry. Real men don't cry. I'm a man, and I'm not gonna cry.
Andy: Excuse me.
Andy: *leaves to cry*
Andy Irony/Sarcasm Visual Gag Jim: Dwight, I have to tell you something. The interview is cancelled.
Dwight: What? Why?
Jim: Because you're a nipple.
Jim Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Pam: We have to protect his feelings. He's very sensitive.
Pam Reaction Beat Deadpan/Understatement Erin: I know Andy is juvenile, so I plan age-appropriate activities for him.
Erin: Actually, I don't know how old he is.
Erin Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Andy: I'm a vampire.
Andy: I have fake vampire teeth in.
Kevin: Okay, so I have something to tell you all about Angela, and it's pretty big...
Kevin: I mean, this is gonna blow your minds, like, you have no idea...
Kevin: Wait, I gotta use the bathroom. I'll be right back.
Kevin Escalation Character Comedy Angela: He does this every time. Every single time someone asks him a direct question, he suddenly has to use the bathroom.
Angela: I've been keeping track.
Angela Callback Observational Callback Andy: My dad, he never let me use the boat. He said I'd mess it up, that I was too stupid to handle it. So I just... I never learned how to sail.
Andy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Dwight: Those are just my keys and change.
Radio Host: Your microphone levels are still too hot. Try speaking three inches to the left of the mic.
Dwight: Three inches to the left?
Radio Host: Now you're clipping again. You need to angle your head at exactly 47 degrees and hum a low B-flat while you talk.
Dwight: This is absurd.
Radio Host: Still not working. Try standing on one leg and recite the periodic table backwards before each sentence.
Dwight: That has nothing to do with audio quality!
Radio Host: Well, we won't know until you try it.
Oscar: The Senator ordered Mexican food for the office.
Kevin: That's what she said!
Kevin: So Oscar's been sleeping with Angela's husband? That's... not ideal.
Kevin Irony/Sarcasm Reaction Beat Angela: Kevin needs to go home. There's an investifafion.
Angela Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Sondra: No, it's not toxic.
Sondra: Unless you eat more than 32 reams a day.
Sondra Setup/Punchline Absurdist ★ Rewatch Dwight: You incompetent fool! I will destroy you!
Radio Host: Dwight, that's live.
Dwight: I know. I was... rehearsing. For a play. About a man who yells at his... friend.
Kevin: I'm ready for that promotion, Michael. I've been working really hard, staying late, doing extra tasks.
Michael: That's great, Kevin. What kind of extra tasks?
Kevin: Well, mostly keeping Oscar's secret that he's... you know.
Kevin Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Angela: I framed Kevin. He kept microwaving fish in the break room, and nobody was doing anything about it. So I put a naughty magazine in his desk drawer and told HR it was his.
Kevin: Wait, so you're telling me Angela set me up? This whole thing was a setup?
Angela: Kevin, what are you talking about?
Kevin: Oh my God. Oh my God, this is so much bigger than I thought. You know that guy I testified against? The one on death row?
Angela: What? Kevin, no—
Kevin: I think he was innocent. I think I sent an innocent man to death row.
Dwight: I would never resign. I am a man of principle. Unlike some people, I don't run from my problems.
Dwight: If anyone should resign, it's David Wallace. He's the one who hired me to do this job.
Dwight Escalation Character Comedy Erin: Can't you just turn the boat around?
Boat Captain: Ma'am, we're in the middle of the ocean. If I turn this boat around, we'll be going backwards. I can't steer backwards and forwards at the same time. That's not how boats work.
Andy: Wait, hold on. This is my boat. I own this boat.
Boat Captain: Not today you don't.
Andy: What do you mean 'not today'? I have the title and everything.
Boat Captain: I don't care if you have the deed signed by the President. You're not taking this boat out.
Andy: But... I paid for it. It's literally mine.
Boat Captain: Not while I'm captain, you didn't.
Boat Captain: You touch my boat again, I'm going to break your arms.
Andy: I can't believe this. My father would have known what to do in this situation.
Andy: Of course he's not here. He's never here. That's the whole problem!
Andy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Callback Erin: You know what? You're going to be an amazing captain someday.
Andy: You really think so?
Erin: I know so. You have the confidence, you have the leadership skills...
Andy: You know what, Erin? You're right. I AM going to be captain. In fact, I'm going to be the BEST captain. I'm going to sail around the world. I'm going to discover new lands.
Erin: That's the spirit!
Andy: My crew will love me. We'll have the finest ship in all the seven seas. When people think of great captains, they'll think of Andy Bernard.
Radio Host: We're hearing reports that Dunder Mifflin stock has plummeted following your interview.
Dwight: The interview was taken out of context.
Radio Host: Well it's gotten worse. David Wallace has barricaded himself in the conference room with several employees.
Dwight: What? He's taken hostages?
Radio Host: That's what we're hearing. Police are on the scene.
Andy: Walt? What are you doing here? I thought you were in rehab.
Walt: Yeah, I got out early. Good behavior.
Andy: Walt, you've been there for like three weeks.
Walt: I know, I know. But honestly, Andy, I'm gonna relapse anyway. Everyone does. Why delay the inevitable?
Walt Andy Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Andy: I'm taking a sailing trip to Bermuda.
Jim: Actually, Andy, Bermuda is in the Atlantic Ocean, not the Caribbean.
Andy: Yeah, whatever. Same thing.
Dwight: Don't worry, David. When you get to prison, I'll write you. I know a guy who knows a guy who got shanked, so I have connections on the inside.
Dwight Escalation Character Comedy Dwight: Well, I'd say things went exactly according to plan.
Dwight Irony/Sarcasm Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Senator: I heard Oscar's been getting a lot of exercise lately.
Oscar: Actually, I've been very dedicated to my fitness routine.
Senator: Yes, I'm sure that's what we're calling it these days.
Kevin: Oscar told me he was... you know, and I promised I wouldn't tell anybody. I can keep a secret. I'm very trustworthy.
Kevin: Oscar's gay.
Kevin Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Erin: I'm so glad I could help you achieve your dream of sailing away.
Erin: I would have loved to go, but I wasn't invited.
Erin Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Pete: His name is just... Flip. Flipper is what we call him because he flips.
Erin: That's it?
Pete: Yeah, that's it.
Erin: Your friend is an idiot.
Pete: Yeah, he is.
Erin Pete Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement ⏩ The part you fast-forward
Our scorer flagged 05:00-06:00 as the stretch with the fewest or weakest comedic moments. Everything else lands harder.
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